To divorce now or wait

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Jordache

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Beginning about February of last year my husband became more and more violent. In my own brokeness I allowed it to get to that point, and I struggled to figured out where the boundary should go. To be succinct, it became a domestic abuse situation quickly and I became terrified of him. After threatening divorce out of almost nowhere several times, he left Sept. 11th and was checked into a hospital. He got out on my birthday had another violent outburst on my in-laws and myself, enough so that my sister-in -law called me frantically while I was at Disneyland to let me know that he'd just stormed out of his dads and he may try to come over. I got really close to my church really fast because I needed people who would take me in if I couldn't go home, and people to check out my apartment when no one knew who he was. I also needed people to be protective and tell me what I was worth since I didn't grow up with that. But things got worse with my husband because my best friends were his worst enemies. And they were his enemies because of unresolved and undeserved bitterness.
He refused to talk to me for the first month he was in. After the birthday attack, he stopped speaking to me again. He was readmitted on October 13, 2011. At about Thanksgiving time he contacted me from the hospital. We spoke for a few weeks. I was kind and gracious, but I did let him know that I wasn't going to do everything for him and he couldn't come home until he met some milestones. Over about 4 short conversations he grew more and more angry and again stopped talking to me. He got out of the hospital in March and moved into a halfway house. He has banned his family from ever telling me how or what he's doing, as well as mentioning me in his presence. Through much counsel and prayer, I decided to file for divorce and I began the paperwork. It's taken me a while because it's just difficult or a variety of reasons. About 3 weeks ago, more than 6 months since the last time he spoke with me, he decided he wanted to talk to me again. He will only communicate through email because he says he can't see me. His messages are good, but there is only so much I can learn about him on a written message. Each email is like emotional whiplash. I feel like I know which direction I'm headed, then I get another email. My counsel, those who know me and Ryan and every detail of the story, tell me I should keep moving forward with the paperwork. They are also very protective of me. I have another few friends who just don't say anything. At this point I don't know what to do. I love my husband, but I cannot live with an abusive husband. I believe God can heal, but I don't know how much Ryan will cooperate. I don't want to have him change just so I will cancel the papers. My husband is a very good actor. I want a family, but I also want them to be safe, and I will not wait in limbo forever while he tells
me he's changing and never does, doesn't change enough.
I don't know the timing of things right now. I hate waiting and not knowing.
 
Jordache said:
Beginning about February of last year my husband became more and more violent. In my own brokeness I allowed it to get to that point, and I struggled to figured out where the boundary should go. To be succinct, it became a domestic abuse situation quickly and I became terrified of him. After threatening divorce out of almost nowhere several times, he left Sept. 11th and was checked into a hospital. He got out on my birthday had another violent outburst on my in-laws and myself, enough so that my sister-in -law called me frantically while I was at Disneyland to let me know that he'd just stormed out of his dads and he may try to come over. I got really close to my church really fast because I needed people who would take me in if I couldn't go home, and people to check out my apartment when no one knew who he was. I also needed people to be protective and tell me what I was worth since I didn't grow up with that. But things got worse with my husband because my best friends were his worst enemies. And they were his enemies because of unresolved and undeserved bitterness.
He refused to talk to me for the first month he was in. After the birthday attack, he stopped speaking to me again. He was readmitted on October 13, 2011. At about Thanksgiving time he contacted me from the hospital. We spoke for a few weeks. I was kind and gracious, but I did let him know that I wasn't going to do everything for him and he couldn't come home until he met some milestones. Over about 4 short conversations he grew more and more angry and again stopped talking to me. He got out of the hospital in March and moved into a halfway house. He has banned his family from ever telling me how or what he's doing, as well as mentioning me in his presence. Through much counsel and prayer, I decided to file for divorce and I began the paperwork. It's taken me a while because it's just difficult or a variety of reasons. About 3 weeks ago, more than 6 months since the last time he spoke with me, he decided he wanted to talk to me again. He will only communicate through email because he says he can't see me. His messages are good, but there is only so much I can learn about him on a written message. Each email is like emotional whiplash. I feel like I know which direction I'm headed, then I get another email. My counsel, those who know me and Ryan and every detail of the story, tell me I should keep moving forward with the paperwork. They are also very protective of me. I have another few friends who just don't say anything. At this point I don't know what to do. I love my husband, but I cannot live with an abusive husband. I believe God can heal, but I don't know how much Ryan will cooperate. I don't want to have him change just so I will cancel the papers. My husband is a very good actor. I want a family, but I also want them to be safe, and I will not wait in limbo forever while he tells
me he's changing and never does, doesn't change enough.
I don't know the timing of things right now. I hate waiting and not knowing.
Click to expand...
God was an all-consuming fire in the OT, but, in the NT, He became our reconciling Father. :)

Reconciliation seems to be what your husband has been trying to do with e-mails, Jord. But, is that enough reparation act to have you get to a point of praying wholeheartedly to God for your strenth to reconcile things?

I don't know. You will know though, for the Father will tell you so.

Your husband's 'violence' toward you is concerning but the full details are not known so I do not extrapolate my thoughts on that issue, but, YES!, violence can NOT be done, it ruins everything. Words, actions, threats. They not only hurt, they can kill off mind, body, and, soul, and, since the greatest commandment is for us to 'worship God with sooo our mind, body, soul,' do not mess with that greatest of commandments. Pray to Holy Spirit, He leads you here, greatly. :)

He has left you. You have not left him, I see this as your ability to forgive, one of my favorite verses in scripture is the one about a wife praying for her husband covering him. Forget where, but Corinthians, I think. Who knows, maybe, he is seeing that without you now he is understanding he's lost.

My feelings, you must tell him if he says that, to find Jesus again because actions hurting your mom and dad and relatives, aunts, uncles, etc. is not what Jesus would do.

Try to find out to what's led to the source of your husband's anger, too, why did he become more violent toward you. Work stresses? Financial. Or, what?

Reassure him that you don't care about that 'stuff,' and, that you just want him to follow Jesus, and, live like when he first met you. Now, you too then may be asked by him to get back to the 'roots' of your relationship.

Often, what seems like huge issues, even at your seperated point now, can be rectified. But only can this reconciliation done with giving this all to God.

I like c.c. winans song, 'I Surrender All,'. Forgiveness of this rough patch in your marriage could build it unbelievably strong going forward, Jord, have faith, be honest to your husband, and, trust in Him :)
 
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My pastor calls me Jord. ��. I am willing to reconcile, but I am not willing to be led on which is what has been happening for years. I can forgive my husband, but that doesn't mean I trust him, or throw myself back into an abusive situation. I have been willing to reconcile since the beginning. I know that he is seeing he's lost, but that's not what he needs to change. He's know that for a long time, but it has brought little to no change.
To be more specific, he's been physically, verbally, and emotionally violent both towards me and other objects. He has called me horrible things and broken into my home. He's demanded that I not talk to my pastors. He's demanded that I not speak to any of my friends.
I have been clear about my expectations for him. These are not difficult expectations, but has rejected every one; and responded rather violently to almost every request I've made of him. These are not over the top requests. Theyre simple things like take a shower, see a counselor, get a job, go to a church, etc.
I didn't come to the conclusion of divorce lightly at all. It was 8 months of him threatening and not speaking to me at all that I decided to move forward. I also spoke to several pastors and did my own study. I prayed and prayed about it.
It's not that I don't believe that God has the power reconcile us, but He will not force us to do something we won't do and my husband has admitted his faults and prinside the world to me a thousand times only to turn on me again.
 
This is what Jesus said.
Mark 10:1
He arose from there and came into the borders of Judea and beyond the Jordan. Multitudes came together to him again. As he usually did, he was again teaching them. 2 Pharisees came to him testing him, and asked him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
3 He answered, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They said, “Moses allowed a certificate of divorce to be written, and to divorce her.”
5 But Jesus said to them, “For your hardness of heart, he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female.✡ 7 For this cause a man will leave his father and mother, and will join to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh,✡ so that they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”
10 In the house, his disciples asked him again about the same matter. 11 He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife, and marries another, commits adultery against her. 12 If a woman herself divorces her husband, and marries another, she commits adultery.”
Consider this and pray about it.
 
Its refreshing to see someone who only responds with scripture, but trust me. I know the passages on divorce. The context of this verse is often never considered as is the context of many scriptures. I know God hates divorce. So do I. But he has grace for it.
 
Jordache, only you can make this decision.
But one thing about divorce...
first, you an divorce him and still honor your vows by remaining faithful even though you have no relationship with him, my mom did this because of my father's abuse.
But she remained in Jesus, faithful to her vows untill she passed.
Im not saying you have to do this, just sharing what she did.
Also, you can always remarry your husband if he does change and heal , recieving salvation from Jesus.
Because of the abuse and other struggles of your marraige, standing still is not an option, but keeping your heart open if He does change is an option.
In fact, your moving forward might be the incentive he needs to change, for if he sees you are happy in Jesus and life without him, he may want to find that same happyness himself.
I have known a few marraiges that were heald because of divorce, and they remarried after.
I have always belived divorce is the last option of choice, for ones vows are before God.
But you have made every effort to honor these vows.
You are the one that has to decide this, go before God in your heart and prayers, and listen to His voice.
You and your husband are in my prayers in Jesus .
For I know you have struggled so much to do what is right.

Hugs and God bless
pickles
 
I agree with pickles...only you can make the final decision.
My prayer is for God to give you assurance, and make it very clear
to you what path you should take.
In Jesus Loving Name, Amen
 
What context over-rides what Jesus said? I think it's clear.
 
The Pharisees posed this question to trap Jesus. They were not curious. They wanted him to say the wrong thing so they could arrest him. Jesus knew their heart. This is why he gve the Pharisees the answer he did. The disciples questioned him again and Jesus stated the importance and the intended permanence of marriage, but we cannot just take one passage and determine its meaning. Paul speaks of the reasons for divorce, one being that the husband leaves the wife or vice versa. He also uses a word translated many ways, but it's got a multiples meaning.
My husband left me. He's abusive, and he has told me a dozen times that he was going to do or not do certain things. He is dangerous enough people are worried about my safety.
I do not believe God ever desires divorce, but I believe he permits it in certain cases.
 
sister get a divorce
violence men do not change
The ship sank save your self
 
having a faith does not mean ignoring the facts if you return to him it will escalated
 
Oh trust me, I know, but I also believe God can change anyone who allows it. The question is will he cooperate? I also do not think abuse is give you carte blanch to divorce.
 
Hugs Jordache, you continue in my prayers for all you need in Jesus.

God bless:)
pickles
 
Jordache. I agree with Pickles 100 %. God is the only one that knows both sides. Seperate yourself from him. I know God dosn't want you going through the abuse that you're going through ether. Wate on him for the final answerd. May the LORD be with you always.
 
My dear sister, I know what the Bible says about divorce but I also know that you are precious in God's sight and the apple of his eye. God did not create you to be mistreated or abused. You deserve to be treated with love and respect and anyone who doesn't celebrate you or appreciate you doesn't deserve to have you in their life. May God bless you and protect you and put someone in your life that sees you for the precious young lady that you are.
 
Jordache said:
The Pharisees posed this question to trap Jesus. They were not curious. They wanted him to say the wrong thing so they could arrest him. Jesus knew their heart. This is why he gve the Pharisees the answer he did. The disciples questioned him again and Jesus stated the importance and the intended permanence of marriage, but we cannot just take one passage and determine its meaning. Paul speaks of the reasons for divorce, one being that the husband leaves the wife or vice versa. He also uses a word translated many ways, but it's got a multiples meaning.
My husband left me. He's abusive, and he has told me a dozen times that he was going to do or not do certain things. He is dangerous enough people are worried about my safety.
I do not believe God ever desires divorce, but I believe he permits it in certain cases.
Click to expand...

I can see your point. I considered it. And I think it's true.
 
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