Your biggest struggle.

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iraasuup

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I've noticed as singles, although we all have a lot in common, we all have our own personal battles too.

Many of us embrace being single, some of us hate it, others are content and happy to let God move as He sees fit. We use this forum to share funny stories of our dating/relationship experiences, to encourage one another in our singleness and to generally amuse ourselves (let's face it- many of us have no life haha -I'm not ashamed to admit it)

All of this got me to thinking about the specific trials/struggles we may face as singles, and how we can help one another get through those struggles. Share if you like, or don't if you'd rather not. No pressure at all. But my struggle has been plaguing my mind lately, so here it is:

I struggle with the fact that after 7 years in an EXTREMELY difficult marriage which ended this year, I am still childless. I am now 30 years old, and coming to terms with the fact that I may very well remain childless. That opportunity may have passed me by, and it's the ONE thing in life I want more than the air I breathe- to become a Mother.

I can handle being single forever, if that's Gods plan, but I honestly don't know if I can face the prospect of never having a child of my own. How does this affect my future? Greatly! I honestly cannot see myself ever being happy without becoming a Mother, but I can't just go out now and sleep with some random guy just so I can have a child! I struggle with understanding why this has happened to me.

I went to church this morning (it's Fathers Day here- what a slap in the face reminder that I'm not a Mother) and I saw all these lovely little families and it just made me so upset. I have friends who are facing similar relationship issues to what I have been through, but in honesty (and this sounds terrible) I struggle to be there to support them, because all I can think is 'well at least you have children - I have nothing- I'm doing this ALONE'.

It kills me. Everyday I wake up and wonder what my purpose on this earth is. I go through the motions of going to work and getting an income... but for what? I don't have a family to provide for. I don't even like what I'm doing, but I do it, because it's the 'right thing to do', the 'expected thing'. Everywhere I go, everywhere I look I see children, families, people having babies. It honestly makes me want to just go live on some isolated island somewhere. I spent the last 5 weeks with my brothers family (he has 4 kids) and LOVED every second of it, but man did the maternal instincts kick in!

So, what is your struggle?
 
I agree with you, Iraasup. I can handle staying single but I, too, have that maternal longing to one day have a child of my own.
 
get involved with youth ministries in your church and have a plethora of spiritual children. consider working with a fatherless male, in the church or not.
work in scouting or with a boys club of some type as a counselor or sponsor.
look at a foster situation with an older boy.
and there is always adoption as well.

to answer your question though, i think i have had an enough of females at this point in my life - or it just might be the type which are attracted to me. but, yeah, i had my heart ripped out by its roots a few months back, costing me her and my best friend, and i think that was game over for me. so it might seem trivial for you whom were married but so far i have trusted three females and been betrayed by each of them, the odds don't look too good for a fourth. (yeah, they were all 'christian', i was well behaved, but as i found - they were not when i was not around....).
 
Katie my heart goes out to you since I know how strong the desire for children can be among the ladies. I'm not sure if you'll find comfort in this or not, but my sister got married at 33, gave birth to my nephew at 38, and my niece at 42 so don't give up hope. :)
Even some of us guys deal with the same struggle, although we don't have to to deal with the maternal instinct, we do deal with the desire to carry on the family name. In my younger years I desired children deeply although as I've gotten older the practicality of it has diminished and I've moved to the stance of children being optional for me since most ladies my age have already raised a family and many aren't looking to start another.

As for what my own struggle is, I'll have to think on this a bit.

 
iraasuup said:
So, what is your struggle?
Click to expand...

My biggest struggle is motherhood.

I am a single mother of 3 kids with ages 9, 6 and 2.
So if we do the math, I had my first child when I was 16.
Their dad left a few months after my 2 yr old daughter was born.
No, he didn't leave us; I made him leave.
The darkest time of my life was the 7 years I spent with him.
So after years of trying, I finally figured it's time to part ways and let him grow.
My kids were the reason I held on and they're the same reason I decided to let go.

I struggle since when I found out I was going to be a mother up to this day.
Raising them alone is like walking in water everyday;
sometimes the water is calm, sometimes the waves are bigger than me.
It's tough. It's hard. I get confused and almost hopeless a lot.
Heck, trying to describe how hard it has been is hard itself.
As a stubborn, bitter and prideful unbeliever,
the only times I prayed in the past was when I was about to deliver my kids.


Matters about my kids has often, if not always, driven me to my knees to pray for God's grace.
It took motherhood to make me realize that I am nothing apart from God.
It has also given me the opportunity to see how God can create wonders
even during seemingly hopeless situations.
Truly, He provides... He heals.. He comforts.. He's the Father of the fatherless..
His strength is made perfect when I am weak.. He is faithful.


To the OP..

I am not sure if posting this would help or would rather
be considered rude knowing you struggle of being childless.
Know that as a woman and a sister in faith, my heart goes out to you.
Reading your posts before and now, I know you are woman of God.
I could only pray posting about this would bring strengthen your hopes.
If He made a mother out of my 16 yr old self, He can do so with you if He wills it.
He is not blind to the desires of your heart. :)


3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4
 
Iraasuup, my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I can imagine how something like this can make you bitter or feeling hopeless. A lot of people try to be encouraging, pointing out that Abraham and Sarah had a child, when the situation seemed hopeless, but I guess you heard that so many times before, that it makes you want to roll your eyes and sigh. *sigh*

I am not in your situation, so don't take it the wrong way, but you know, I firmly believe that God knows and sees our desires here on earth. You, yourself stated that you can't come to peace with the thought of never having children and I guess that's your problem. I think you have to trust God so much and surrender everything you are and have completely to Him. You have to come to peace with the idea that you might never have children. You have to learn to be happy about it. Only when your happiness is indepenedent on your situation, only then you are ready and open to receive God's gift for you, cause right now, the devil is lying to you, telling you that you can't be happy if you don't have children. Those lies drag you down and rob you of so many joys and blessings in your life.

As I am writting this to you, I also encourage myself, cause I have my own struggles too. I am about to turn 21 in 22 days (yaaayy, I love my birthday wohooo :D ). I am a romanian girl living in Austria. All my cousins that are my age, are already married or engaged. In our culture it is commun to marry at 20, 21, 22. If you are like...25 and you are not married yet, there obviously must be something wrong with you. I have to explain all that because people might look at me and say, OMG, she is only 21 and is desperate about getting married, but it's different in my culture.

Elderely women I talk to about this issue, tell me the same thing over and over again. They tell me that if they were younger again and they could choose, they wouldn't get married anymore and would stay single forever, cause there are not a lot of advantages of being married and having someone. It makes me nearly freak out, cause I'm thinking....well yeah, you can talk like that, you are married and have someone. You have no idea how it is to feel left out or feel like something is wrong with you, because everyone else gets married and I am the only one who doesn't.

I am a girl, I love day dreaming, and since I was a small, naive girl, I dreamt of my wedding one day. I really want to marry and have my family.....and it would be so very difficult for me, to find out that God hasn't planned anything like that in my life. I don't think I could accept it and it's a problem.

I just got out of school and I got my first job and I am planning on moving out soon and building my own life as an adult christian woman. I try to focus on the things that I can do now, as a single...or not single but still alone (longer story) girl and be happy with it.

One thing that makes me think that God has planned on me getting married in the future is that I have this great desire to get married. There are girls that don't have that. I think that if God wanted me to be single all my life, He would help me comming to peace with it. The Bible says that if you seek the Kingdom of God, other things that you desire will be added to you. If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.

So,.....(and I'm also telling myself) put God's Kingdom first, delight yourself in Him, and God will either give you what you desire, or He will change your desires, so you can be happy, with or without a child.

Love
Meems
 
imperfection said:
One thing that makes me think that God has planned on me getting married in the future is that I have this great desire to get married. There are girls that don't have that. I think that if God wanted me to be single all my life, He would help me comming to peace with it. The Bible says that if you seek the Kingdom of God, other things that you desire will be added to you. If you delight yourself in the Lord, He will give you the desires of your heart.
Click to expand...

This gives me a bit of comfort, thank you.
 
My biggest struggle: I am told from guys who I have had feelings for, and guy friends in general, all these great things about me. They compliment me on who I am as a person. Yet, I am still single. Yet, they don't like me 'in that way'. I don't understand it. I struggle with envy, and the knife turns in my heart every time I hear of a friend getting into a relationship, engaged or married. And a small voice in my head tells me lies; that I am not good enough. That there is something wrong. That I am not wanted. My biggest struggle is not to believe those lies.
 
arwen7 said:
My biggest struggle: I am told from guys who I have had feelings for, and guy friends in general, all these great things about me. They compliment me on who I am as a person. Yet, I am still single. Yet, they don't like me 'in that way'. I don't understand it. I struggle with envy, and the knife turns in my heart every time I hear of a friend getting into a relationship, engaged or married. And a small voice in my head tells me lies; that I am not good enough. That there is something wrong. That I am not wanted. My biggest struggle is not to believe those lies.
Click to expand...

I've had to deal with the same sort of thing for years. Women just aren't interested in me in that way. Ever heard the dreaded, Your're a really great friend? or how about you'll make some woman really happy one day? I've gotten to the point where I just don't care anymore and I'm not even bothering to look.
 
Everyone has their own struggles, and it differs (some worse than others). I have other struggles as well, but here are my biggest struggles as a young male:

Depression. Since returning from the UK two - years ago, I have fallen into a constant depression. Things weren't always perfect in the UK (especially with the recession), but it is better than South Africa. I am grateful that I have a basic job and the fact that I am still surviving, but there are somedays I wish I can move on. I live with my parents and I am trying to save as much money for myself as possible... I can't really invest much in myself , and living out my dreams(hobbies, sports and studies). I sometimes getting this feeling of "Loss of power!" I experienced another shock, the loss of a close - female friend and co-worker. I lost my biggest and best friend, she was the "light in my life". I live in a very small, and a very cold and unfriendly town. This is the loneliest time of my life. I love big towns and cities, such as London, Manchester, Liverpool and Warrington. I hate small towns and villages! I sometimes miss my fellow Irish, Welsh, Latvian, Russian, Croatian, German and other co-workers that I worked with in the UK.

Myself. People like to walk over me, because I am slow-tempered, fairly sensitive, soft and compassionate. I lack self esteem, I have a average IQ and very self-conscious. The other problem is, my mother and grandmother raised me gently. In other words, I am my own worst ennemy.

The consolation prize here on this forum is, we can share and learn from each other's experiences.:)

 
My biggest struggle is to find the right doctor to work with my autistic daughter that does not just accept and treat her syndrome but to try to pull her out of the autism with the latest technology
 
arwen, Katie and GraceReborn, I hear all of your hearts.


GraceReborn, I know how difficult being a single mom can be. I can't even begin to imagine though how difficult it would be to be the mother of three so very young.


Katie, I do have one son, but I remember how heartbreaking it was to accept that my husband did not want to have more children for two reasons:

1. I had a very difficult time having our son and he was afraid of losing me; and
2. He became terminally ill.

Next year is a big one for me. Not sure how I feel about it at this point. It's still possible, but I don't know how likely it is that I will ever have another child.


arwen, it's very unsettling to have guys tell you all the time how great you are, that you could be with anyone you wanted, blah, blah, blah...and even have the scriptures say clearly that young widows SHOULD marry again...and find yourself still single after 7+ years.


BUT....the answer to all of these things remains the same for me. God has it all under control. He must have His reasons. So, I praise Him for the blessings He has entrusted to me and trust Him with the desires of my heart. It has taught me patience and given me wisdom.

My heart and prayers are with all of you.
 
Arwen: I've been hearing that for over twenty years......You're such a nice guy....you're so responsible.....blah, blah, blahhhhhhhh is what I hear anymore. What gets to me now is hearing about kids that I held when they were babies getting married and having kids.
 
I think I've grown up over the years, because I used to be strongly against (or even afraid I guess) of being single. I hated being alone, not having a significant other to talk to (my guy friends are great for a laugh, but not for a heart to heart talk), and even the thought of being alone freaked me out. I'd go from relationship to relationship nonstop, in a never-ending circle that just caused a lot of pain, heartbreak, and it jaded me overall for a long period of time. I've always viewed experience in relationships as simply me having screwed up far more times than most people, and so I know a thing or two about how not to do things lol. At the very least, all those relationships made me trust less, and it ruined the hopeless romantic inside me. At the worst, it made me stray from God and led me to sin far more times than not. I wasn't always that way, but I certainly got what I asked for when I gave in to the American Pie standard that my generation has for each other.

Anyway, I now believe being single is far easier than being in a relationship. Even a dedicated, committed relationship is a struggle. It really is. I've came as close to marriage as one could possibly be without being married, living with the girl and being engaged, etc etc, and also as close to a divorce as well. If I'm scared of anything now, it is divorce. Therefore, I refuse to date anyone now that I cannot see myself marrying in the future, and I won't go the route of trying to convert anyone, or lead them into my belief in the Lord any longer. I won't date a non-Christian, nor will I date someone who claims to be a Christian but really isn't, or is at least ignorant on what a true Christian should be (I can't even begin to count how many people I know who are like this).

Anyway, what are my biggest struggles? I'd say it would be finding someone that is worth it. Who is actually worth the struggle that is a real relationship? Who is worth the immense work, love, and dedication you have to give? Who is worth me giving my heart, body, and soul for, beyond the Lord? I've yet to meet someone that gave more to me than I gave to them, which you can never expect, but it is still something to ponder. Love is not an easy thing, once you get past the original 3 month (or so) honeymoon period when you first start the relationship. There are many times in a relationship you are simply busy or preoccupied, and the last thing you want to do is call your girlfriend (or boyfriend for you ladies) and talk to them, and listen to their venting. Some days you want it, and others you don't. Some days you truly, honestly, want to be in a relationship, and others you are glad you are single. It is much easier looking in from the outside than it is being on the inside, I have to admit.

While in a relationship though:

Why..-630x526.jpg
 
Thought that picture was pretty accurate in my experience. Even if it isn't accurate, its still really funny :D
 
My biggest struggle is dealing with todays times. I struggle with the fact that people and children are dis appear everyday. The homicide rate in my city has skyrocketed. I struggle with fact that our leader does not publicly and regularly pray for us. I struggle with people not wanting to here the truth. I can't trust anybody because people lie so much. I have to constant watch everbody every where I go because people are so evil. Pediphiles are everywhere and I have a 10yr old. I struggle with fatigue do to all of the above. I strugg let with being the only one, sometimes, who chooses to obey God. Having to look at so many publicly displayed butt- cracks, huge eye lashes, ridiculous and gaudy tattoos, old-burnt cleavage, cold stares(for no reason), the constant stories of so called celebs and reality clowns etc. Oh yeah and the fact that Jerry springer is still on tv and he gets paid for it.
 
I think my biggest struggle is in being righteous. Righteousness is this amazing gift through sanctification that seems like a battle that isn't just uphill, but is up a mountain. I hope one day, people will look at me and see some aspect of God's magnificence demonstrated somehow in my life. I think that is one of the greatest testimonies, when I look at someone and just see God's work in them.
 
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