Something a Little Different... :)

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MaryR

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Okay, this is highly unusual for me, but I'm gonna put a personal question to the great CC minds.

From what people tell me, most women dream their whole lives of their wedding day. They can't wait for a handsome man to come and sweep them off their feet. Christian girls hope for a kind, loving man with a love for Jesus and they can't wait to get married to one with whom they can grow in Christ.

I've never dreamed of any of those things.

I date some and have had a relationship or two. I am undoubtedly attracted to certain men and have lots of male friends who I love. But when it comes down to it, I've never dreamed of marriage. I've never even seen it as an option in my life.

I always think of Colossians 2:10- "In Christ you have been brought to fullness." God is all I need. My life is full and my heart is complete.

I have too many things I hope for and too many things to do in my life to be married. I want to travel, become a part of the world, do mission and service work, and live the life I'm meant to live. I can't imagine a man that would ever fit permanently into that.

My family tells me that I'll find somebody I love and that my feelings will change. My friends have always told me that I'll be the first to get married. My ex-boss told me that I was a sinner because I didn't see myself in a lifelong relationship with one person.
My boss was kinda nosy. :)

Does anybody else feel this way? Perfectly content and happy with the way your life is going and feel no need to become dependent on another person? Do people tell you you're crazy when you say your lifestyle isn't suited to marriage? Or are you the other way around? Do you tend to agree with my boss- your life wouldn't be complete without marriage?

As a disclaimer, I realize that I'm young and that there's plenty of life left for me to change my mind. But at this point, I'm so perfectly content with the direction my life is going.

I get so much input from family and friends who have a vested interest in seeing me married and I'd appreciate some diverse opinions from people who don't actually know me. :)
Sorry for the long post.
Thanks, all!
 
Honestly there was a time I felt like that! I had family and friends telling me someday that will all change.. And maybe even a few sideways glances from people thinking because I was a young women and didn't dream of marriage night and day there had to be something wrong with me! But the thought of marriage was actually scary to me.. and I guess that's because I haven't met someone yet that I can imagine spending the rest of my life with... Its probably been a few years now that I've started thinking more about marriage someday. And I think as I get older I think of marriage more but I haven't always :)
 
I can relate to you. I remember one of my friends telling me that she had always dreamed of gettin married, she was telling me how she would dream of it as a little girl and how she had planned her wedding since she was 5 and all that jazz.... and I was just staring at her thinking ''YOU MUST BE CRAZY" .

I really don't know why so many girls see marriage as the ultimate experience. I'm not saying it's not natural and not something we should pursue but it seems that most girls see as a priority goal in their lives. Contrary to you though , I do see it as an option in my life, and it's also a desire in my heart, however....I don't really dream about it that much nor do I think marriage completes me.

I, like you, feel complete in Christ and I feel there are SOOOO many things I have left to do as a single woman. I'm sometimes afraid that I won't find a man who has the same desires I have...because my desires are not really common not even with Christian guys it seems. I want more than just someone who wants to go to church. I want to serve God will all my strenght and I don't wanna settle for less than that. I want someone who will encourage me to do so.
I can't deny I have a desire to get married but at the same time I don't want to lose the chance of doing more for God and his Kingdom. I'm hoping God will bring someone into my life while I'm busy doing His will and following his plan for me, just as He did with Ruth :).
 
Interesting, mission and service work. I think it was the apostle Paul who felt that he could serve Christ better if he didn't have a spouse. Our journeys and destinys are predestined by God. God designed each of us to be unique. Ive gone against the grain many, many times, and plan on continueing to do so. Its doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Do what pleases God. Its your life.
 
I think it comes down to you and God. Just do what you know God wants you to do, and don't worry about what other people say. Sure, it's possible that things could change for you someday. Love can make a person do some crazy things they never thought they would before. Perhaps you'll just stay single too though.

I'd say to thank God that you do feel so content right now. That's a HUGE blessing!

You did say you date some. I really don't see the point in that if you have no intention to get married right now. It's only playing with your emotions and the other persons.

I do want to point out another thing:
If you were to go around advertisting it and making it clear to everyone that you don't want to get married, don't want a guy, etc. etc. some guys will take that as a challenge and want to "conquer you" so to speak. So keep your eyes open for such guys as this.

As for me, I think I fall somewhere in the middle... As in, I won't feel it's the end of the world if I never marry, but there is still a desire there for it to happen someday. If it does, great. If not, I'll still be fine.
 
Some people just aren't interested in marriage. Modern Christianity has over emphasized marriage and family. While marriage and family can be good things, they are not requirements of the faith. God allows us to choose. If we feel that compulsion to marry, then we try to marry. If we are content or even not wanting to get married, then don't. There is nothing inherently Christian about being married. In fact, Paul was of the opinion to not marry if you were able to control yourself.
Its so sad nowadays people equate being Christian to getting married & having a family and not to preach, teach, feed, clothe, give, serve, worship, pray, read or any of the true basis of what the faith is. Nope, forget these trivial things, just focus on marriage, family and having your best life now =P
 
When I was a kid, I didn't think it could not happen. And I guess because I figured it would happen, no matter what, I didn't really obsess over it. I was a lot older than most girls, at least the ones I know, before I thought guys were cute. Haha, I remember when my girl friends and cousins would point out cute guys to try and get a reaction from me. I didn't think the guys were ugly, I just didn't care.

Now things have changed. I'm attracted to guys... because guys are sooo cute x_x *dies*

For me, I'm not sure which I'd ultimately prefer. A marriage sounds dreamy and I do want to get married. I have a lot of love to give.. But at the same time, my single box is very cozy. I could die happy and have never left this box. I wouldn't have to worry about first dates or risking my heart with clumsy hands....
 
I never dreamed of marrying as a little girl either, as many of my friends did. Not even as a teen. School was more interesting than guys then to be honest. :) I did marry early though and found myself widowed early too. I've been alone for several years and I've been okay. It has allowed me to do things career wise and in service of the Lord that I probably wouldn't have had time for otherwise. I do believe I will marry again eventually, but I'm in no hurry. :) It will always be about God's plan and the right man rather than the fairytale aspect for me. Doing it right or not at all.

You're absolutely right. You are young and you belong to the Lord. It's between the two of you. :) If His plans for you change later on, there it will be. :)
 
Wow... thanks, everyone.
I came here for honesty, not reassurance, but I was reassured anyway.

I'm so happy to hear that I'm not alone in feeling that. Sometimes it's good to know that there are other people in my corner.

To niceguyJ, I appreciate you pointing that out. Like I said, I do date. I have no desire or need or hope of getting married, but I strongly value marriage and all that it brings. I have no intention of getting married, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it in the right situation. I guess I just can't imagine "the right situation" occurring in my life. I have never felt like I was "playing with" other people by dating when I'm not planning to get married tomorrow, but now that I think about it, it does make me wonder if people would interpret that as dishonest.
I don't "advertise" the fact that I don't intend to get married, but I do make it clear to guys I date that I'm not looking for marriage.

Any thoughts on this? I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess you have a point. I'm a firm believer in dating with a purpose but have also been told that not dating would be cheating myself of the possibility of marriage in the future.

Ugly, that's what I've always noticed! So many Christians see their purpose in life as raising other Christians. I do believe that's one of the highest purposes in life and, for some people, it is what they are called to do. I guess I just feel like getting married would limit my options for serving the Kingdom. My goal in life is to serve as many people as possible in as many places as I can reach. I believe that a marriage requires an immense amount of time and work and I've always been afraid that it would limit the time and effort I have for serving the world.

Another question- Have any of you married people ever felt that your marriage limited your ability to serve the Lord?

To Jullianna, I appreciate the post. You're very uplifting. My mother was also a young widow, as my father died 7 years and 2 weeks after they got married. I've seen firsthand the pain that comes from losing the one you love, and I admire you for moving ahead as such a strong woman. Thanks for your input. :)
 
God gives us all different gifts and he has different plans for everyone! so just because your gifts or plans are different from other doesn't make them wrong! just different! which is beautiful! do what you feel god is calling you to do!
 
MaryR said:
To niceguyJ, I appreciate you pointing that out. Like I said, I do date. I have no desire or need or hope of getting married, but I strongly value marriage and all that it brings. I have no intention of getting married, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't do it in the right situation. I guess I just can't imagine "the right situation" occurring in my life. I have never felt like I was "playing with" other people by dating when I'm not planning to get married tomorrow, but now that I think about it, it does make me wonder if people would interpret that as dishonest.
I don't "advertise" the fact that I don't intend to get married, but I do make it clear to guys I date that I'm not looking for marriage.

Any thoughts on this? I hadn't really thought about it, but I guess you have a point. I'm a firm believer in dating with a purpose but have also been told that not dating would be cheating myself of the possibility of marriage in the future.
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To me, some of the things you say just don't go together. I'll give this a whirl though...

What is the point of "dating" if it's not for seeing if you're compatible with someone as a marriage partner? What good and pure thing could possibly come out of it otherwise?

If I was hanging out with a girl and she said, "I want to date you, but let me make it clear that I'm not looking for marriage." , a big red flag would go up immediately. It would definitely make me pause and wonder, "Hmmm just what is she looking for!? Make out partner?? Temporary boyfriend?? That's not me!". There are guys who would be thrilled to hear you say that though. These are the guys who are just looking to "have some fun."
I'm not saying you have bad intentions, you seem like a nice girl; I'm just letting you know how what you're saying can come off.

It seems like you're seeking God, I just think you're a bit confused. Maybe a good bit of that is stemming from what people are telling you. Things like:
"but have also been told that not dating would be cheating myself of the possibility of marriage in the future."
If you have no desire to be married, why do you care if the possibility is being taken away?

You don't have to answer any of those questions here, obviously. I'm just giving you some stuff to think about.
Hopefully something here will help a little at least. Keep seeking Him above all else.
 
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Well, you're making me think, and it's not making me feel good. I appreciate it though. :)

To begin with, that is NOT my purpose in dating, so please don't get the wrong idea. I understand the disconnect though. What I mean is that I'm not searching for marriage. I'm not sure else how to say that...

I don't want to miss out on the possibility of marriage if it's one that God has planned for me. His plans don't always match mine. I guess that, even though I don't see myself getting married, I feel like I'm denying that possibility if I don't take advantage of opportunities I'm given.

I hate when I have very little defense of my own statements.
 
Stop dating, is my advice. Most people who are dating are actively seeking marriage. If thats not your goal, then there is no real reason to date. Even if you tell someone ahead of time your feelings on marriage, that does not mean they will think 'oh ok, so i won't try'. It will come off more as 'hard to get' than 'not wanting to be married'.
Plus, it increases the chances of someone taking an attraction to you that won't be reciprocated. Personally, i'd not want to go on a date with someone not looking to be married. Course, i don't date in that fashion anyways, but still.
Also, you're only dating 'in case'. Well, stop the 'in case'. If you don't want to be married now, don't get married now. And guess what, you don't need to be asked out on some date by some random guys who hardly know you to find your future spouse. Your future spouse could be sitting two rows ahead of you at church. You may see him every week, but have yet to talk to him. So don't worry, how can you miss out on something you aren't looking for or interested in?
There are no soulmates, there is no 'the one'. So you aren't going to miss him. If and when you feel a desire to start thinking about marriage, then you can consider how you want to proceed. Dating 'just in case' is like the kid that won't go to sleep at night because he thinks he's missing something really special after he goes to bed. Reality is, mom and dad put on Leno, then go to bed. Kid stays up 'just in case' for no reason, and not only that, now he's tired the next day cause he was up too late. Don't let that be you.
 
I confess, I was boy crazy from the kindergarten. Yep, I have my first crush way back when. Scary huh. I've always dreamed of being married one day. But at the same time, I wasn't worried about it. I'm content in not being married right now, most of the time. Although, there are times when it becomes a struggle, like maybe once a year. So, while I may not be able to relate with very little desire to be married, I still can relate in another area. Ever since I was little, I had no desire to have children of my own. Although now, in the last few years that has changed a lot. However, people kept thinking that was wrong, I would change my mind. My mom, finally realized, somewhere after I turned 30, that I might not ever change my mind. So yeah, I can relate to people thinking your crazy for being different from the norm.
 
It looks like Ugly and I are thinking along the same lines here. I hope you consider his words.

Just be truly honest with God and yourself on this.
 
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