Help...Stepdaughter!!

smoorikin · Oct 17, 2012

Hi
can anyone offer me advice. My stepdaughter is 16. She's having sex with her boyfriend (and was when she was 15), she lies all the time and steals. I have no idea how to deal with her as everything I've tried has been thrown back in my face, this has been going on for the 9 years we have been together. My husband can't make anything of her either. I am at my wits end and am having serious issues with my faith regarding her. Can anyone tell me how I should approach her?

Ugly · Oct 17, 2012

Here in the US we have these programs called 'Scared Straight'. Basically they take at risk teens and bring them, as a group, into a prison for a day. Show them what prison life is like, let some of the inmates talk to them, and scare them haha. The idea is to scare them about prison so badly it causes them to stop some of their behavior.
Do you have anything like that in your area? Might be worth looking into. It doesn't work 100% of the time, of course, but it does seem to have a decent success rate.

intercessorginger · Oct 17, 2012

The issue is just about rebellion and sin. When we were in the world we were all "good sinners" and some are better then others!
Since she is a minor you have to hold to your family rules. God expects that of us as parents. Let her know what is acceptable and what is not (give her the bible reasons why). Then tell her the consequences are for disobeying your house (Bible) rules.
Sometimes a Pastor or Elder can help you if she respects them, or another Christian Parent.
If you have a relative that can house your teen for a "season" that might be the best. It's amazing how much better a rebellious teen can behave when in a different environment. I also think that there are times when everyone needs to "cool off" in order to hear from God about a situation.
Unfortunately for some kids, they have to move out and support themselves when they are of age, because they simply refuse to do what they are told. This is a rough lesson but some people are just hard headed!
One thingt I can encourage you about is that the bible is true. IF you have trained up your chiild in the Lord, they will not depart from it when they grow up! God can reach them, even when we can't. I pray he speaks to your daughter and she come to a Radical Salvation in Christ!

shekaniah · Oct 17, 2012

When it came to my teenagers...

I would always tell them I want what is best for them,
because I love and care about what happens to them.

I would say;" If they are under my roof and I'm paying for all there needs,
they have to respect the house rules.
When they are paying for themselves and moved out.
Then they could call the shots."

When my kids would do something that I did not approve of,
I would ask them what would they do if they were in my shoes.

Most of the time it would help them to see things more clearly.

chuinchoy · Oct 18, 2012

Sexual relationship with a minor (under 18, in my country Malaysia) is considered as statutory rape regardless of whether there is consent or not. i would suggest following action;

1) find out whether she is pregnant or not. If not, thank God. If she is, she need help/guidance on being a mother. Perswonally, i would against abortion because you are taking a precious life.

2) the couple should seek counselling and NOT be forced to marriage at early age because statistics here in Malaysia showed very high occurance of divorce if they were to forced into marriage. They should be allowed to get married when both fully understands and appreciates the responsibilities involved.

Aqua_Girl09 · Oct 18, 2012

shes a little old for any common discipline to work. she knows what to do to get what she wants. and it works. other wise she wouldn't do it. you'll have to go extreme like take her phone, take the door off her room, take her car (if she has one) and NOT give in NO MATTER WHAT! its SUPER hard. especially cause shes gonna cry and make you feel like the worst person in the world BUT it'll pay off. (just watch an episode of super nanny. >_^) now super nanny is for kids so that's not gonna work on her but if nothing you do works?

MILITARY SCHOOL! ^_^ shes 16 so she has to do what you say. you have two years to get her into shape or shes on her own.

smoorikin · Oct 18, 2012

Thank you so much for your replies.
I have two children from a previous marriage who are now 30 and 32, I brought them up mostly by myself and they are upstanding, honest people and are bringing their children up likewise, I feel so guilty about my stepdaughter as I feel I am letting myself down and her but her Father never disciplines her and when I do she runs to him and I'm made out to be the one in the wrong. He believes everything she tells him even when it's blatantly a lie! There are no schemes here in the UK for girls like her, I have to say it seems to be a trend for kids to act this way now. I have to say that I just can't wait for her to leave home and I feel bad about that. Will God forgive me for feeling like this?

mybrother · Oct 18, 2012

Hello Smoorikin Greetings to you In the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ Saviour , I saw what u wrote on this i feel very sad about that small Girl ( your Stepdaughter)

My friend in Christ not only your Daughter so many Teen age Girls this Bad incident receiving in their Life , that is not their Mistake They are Learning from their Own Community Exp... Country Culture , or their city Life style, some times through Friends they spoil their Life ,

As you said i think you are from Christian Family Back ground , if any one Boy or Girl did Mistake in Christian Family, as my Knowledge in that family this kind of mistakes may be in there Family 1, Parents if they don t Teach about pure Spiritual life style, 2 ,if there is no Family Prayer 3, at least father or Mother has not take ing care about their Children , 4, if they don t have Sunday School Life, ( some Parents will use to say in my family i and my Children live like a Friends , This life style is Different form Spiritual family Life style ok, )

I Heard some Country Started Sex Education , to give awareness about , i will tell to every Christian Parents no need such kind of Class make them to Study Bible, every Day without fail , and Family Prayer , Teach them How to Live in this World as a Children of Living God , Before saying to your Children First See How is your Life style and your Spiritual Life style,

Friend Past is Past if once tasted Sex life with her Boy friend,in this young stage they feel thrill they think they want to do again , Due to that Teach Her (stepdaughter) show Her Bible Verses, show some Real life stories how they young Girls spoil their Beautiful Life, ,if they do Mistaken Before Marriage what Bible saying,

My Friend in Christ i Pray To God He will give you Knowledge how to Train up your Child , we say But God will give you Knowledge to Make to Teach to Change Her Life Style.

If Gods will we Meet u again Pray for me and my family, and My Mission work

your Friend in Christ

Bro. Isaac.N

Ugly · Oct 18, 2012

Well, your last post explained it all. The father spoils her and does not discipline her. He has blinders on to his daughters behavior. Or has low morals and expectations for his daughters behavior, one or the other. Most likely though, blinders.
And it doesn't sound like you're a close motherly type to her, so your attempts to discipline will not work, only fuel more separation. So more likely you're doing nothing to help, and maybe making things worse trying to discipline.
Bottom line is shes a spoiled little daddys girl, and daddy will put her word over yours every time. Hes going to side with her no matter what she says, so you're kind of stuck. An out of control step daughter with no accountability from her daddy in denial.

CC_Bride · Oct 18, 2012

No offense, but the problem and responsibility lies with your husband not you. Where is her biological mother in all of this anyway?
Im hoping your husband is a Christian bible believing man because the way to explain this to him looks like this:

God
|
Govt authority/Church authority
|
Husband -> Wife
|
Children

That is the hierarchy of command you should be following. Unfortunately your case looks more like this:

Children
|
Daddy
|
Wife
|
(?)God

I don't know where God is in this picture but hes certainly not on top and you are certainly not being treated as the partner to your husband that you are. And your Step daughter currently reigns supreme in terms of priority. She is doing the activities of an adult but are getting out of the consequences by acting like a child to your husband. You said earlier that your husband doesn't like her current behaviour yet still reinforces it. I have a feeling, he reinforces it out of guilt. Obviously hes not with her mother any more and if the mother isn't in the picture then theres the guilt over being the only parent for her and hes afraid of hurting her and as a result he fears making her angry at him. Parenting is not a popularity contest, in fact your not theyre to even be friends with them, you're there to be their parent. And maybe when theyre adult and matured a bit thats when the mutual peer friendships occur.

Are you both involved in a church with solid leadership? If so, call them in and first have them mediate between the two of you. The responsibility of handling your step daughter lies with your husband and husband alone. He needs to sort out his stupid parenting first. And he needs the support of people aside from yourself to help him. You sound genuinely like you want to help but the only way you can help is by accepting that the change can't come through you. Once your husband is on board to deal with his daughters nonsense then you are able to serve and help your husband in doing his job as father.

Sure, sure, your step daughter if shes appropriately confronted by your husband she will at first try the "Oh poor wee me" act and will play the sufferring victim and may try to turn her father (your husband) against you. Don't be surprised when she does it, for I bet she will. Then if that doesn't work she'll try to get uber angry and say or do or threaten to do something in order to black mail you both.

Seek the advice of someone you trust at church and go from there. You may even have to pull an ultimatum at your husband, don't stoop to threatening divorce or anything silly like that. Maybe, threaten to call the police to report theft? I don't know.

I do know your husband needs a man to wack him on the side of his head to tell him to get his A into G. Men listen to men. Find a male pastor who knows his parenting stuff and get him to have a word with your husband. Blindside and have him confronted if thats what it takes. Your husband needs to know, that you as his wife comes before the children no matter what their age is. Oh and pray over everything when you do this! Pray for the right men, pray for your husband to be convicted and changed, pray over your own heart and pray over the heart of your step daughter.

Good luck and God bless

Shaije · Oct 18, 2012

Aqua_Girl09 said:

Amen! Its very encouraging to see good, sound advice from someone so young. I agree 100%. You gotta go bootcamp on them. Take it all away. Phone, door, car, computer, allowance....etc. Parents need to be the Boss/Final Authority not the buddy/pal. Kids have enough friends, they need good ole fashioned DISCIPLINE. Being a parent isnt a popularity contest., its an invetment in your childs future. Good on ya, and Gods speed to you, young follower.

Lucy68 · Oct 19, 2012

It is extremely hard to deal with someone who lies...you're always wondering what is really true.

Since she is your step daughter I think you are limited to what influence you can have over her. Especially since your husband won't back you up.

I think the only thing to do is to keep talking to her about the mistakes she is making and how they can affect her for the rest of her life. You do have some leverage in that she still lives with you so use that, but try to use it gently.

My daughter was very much the same way and I was thrilled to have her live somewhere else. No, I don't think that is a sin. Some people just have to learn things the hard way and real life lessons are sometimes needed. She is now 21 and has actually apologized for her behavior....so there is hope for the future

.

Try talking to your husband about some limits for her while she is living at home....you really can't do much without his support.

Praying for you, sister and that the Spirit will open up your step-daughter's eyes and ear . She is blessed to have a step-mom that cares for her

.

Jullianna · Oct 20, 2012

It's unfortunate that your husband doesn't realize how much he is hurting her by trying to be her friend rather than her father.

Thank you for trying to be there for her when others are not and for your willingness to serve as a godly role model. It's clearly difficult for you, but please don't give up on her. She may not understand what you are trying do to for her now, but, as Lucy said, the day will likely come when she will. Kids know who is there for them even when they aren't willing to admit it.

psychomom · Oct 20, 2012

My friend, firstly, I am truly sorry for all this.

You have my deep sympathy, and, to an extent, empathy.

Obviously, the primary problem is your relationship with your husband. Others have pointed out, I think correctly, that he most likely feels some guilt about his daughter, for whatever reasons. And I dislike suggesting this, but sometimes... dads just don't want to be bothered...

(mums can be guilty of this, too, but I find most often it's daddies)
They don't like emotional scenes, and they are at a loss as to what to do with a girl-child who's past puberty. They don't want to think their little princess is involved sexually with a young man...it freaks them out, so they pretend it isn't happening. If his daughter lies to him, and says she's not sexually active, he wants to believe that, so he will choose to do so. Yes, denial. I'm sure he would rather believe that she's innocent of any 'crime' at all, and if so, he will choose that belief. Which is extremely detrimental to the child, sadly.

If at all possible, I would place my focus on the marriage, as it will be there long after this child is gone. And until that's sorted, there can be no where to go on the daughter issue. I weep for you, honestly I do. But you can rejoice and be glad that this child has unwittingly revealed this problem between husband and wife.

(yep--it sounds crazy to rejoice, but there it is!)

I really admire that you're concerned about this child (for a child she still is, in age as well as maturity). And I hope you won't beat yourself up over feeling like her going would be a relief---it would be! God has, for this time, chosen to have everyone where he/she is, and so we know that's for good. I do believe in receiving the consequences of one's actions, but you can only do what your husband will allow, unfortunately.

I was given a great book by Tim Sanford called "Losing Control and Liking It". It's available through Amazon, if you're interested. It's a short read, and I think you will be blessed by it, and if your husband would read it, that would help, too, since it has a section on a father's parenting responsibilities.
It's written mostly for 'control-freak' parents, like me

( ), but it has some good ideas for raising teens, and even into the early twenties, I found.
I think it might also help you with some of the mis-placed guilt you're feeling.(the author is a believer and a professional counselor)

Just a bit of back-story...our oldest, a daughter, was about 19 when I found out she had been stealing my pain meds (I rarely took them, and so didn't notice). She had been raised in the Church, to the best of our ability, but when she went to college she began listening to the voices of the world over that of the Lord. We worked at it for a year; I locked up my meds; but a year later I found her stealing (drugs) from my handbag (just a few pills I took with me as an emergency supply, but still...). We knew it had been self-medication, and a cry for help, and had been taking her to a counselor for the intervening year, but she would not listen. She wanted her way. In despair, I called Nar-Anon, and they advised us to make her leave home. (!) It was for her own safety, and she was happier with that, too, so we did it, though it broke my heart.
I wish I could say the story has a happy ending, but the plain fact is she is still, at 31, in full rebellion against the Lord. I wish I could re-do whatever it was I did wrong the first time...but the Lord has been so good in that our other five children follow Him. ♥ And He reminded me that His own children rebelled in the Garden, too, and still do, and His parenting skills are perfect. *sigh* Free will, yeah?

Sorry for the length of that, but I just wanted you to know I understand the pain of this. You remind me to be thankful that my husband and I were and are on the same page, so I thank you and the Lord for that.
I will be in prayer over this, and wish you God's very best, in all things.

Love in Jesus,
ellie

smoorikin · Oct 22, 2012

Aww thanks for the message, it's so nice to here some input about this situation.
I know our marriage isn't as it should be but we had problems right from the start and I thought we could certainly sort them out but he stopped talking, started shouting and the communication broke down and now we really are just buddies sharing a house. I pray every single day for guidance and it's nice to know I have some back up.

shekaniah · Oct 23, 2012

smoorikin said:

Don't give up hope,
People get mad when they feel guilty.
Just keep praying for God to work on their hearts.

I have prayed for you all again.

Love in Jesus, Shekaniah

xXErraticEmilyXx · Oct 23, 2012

I'll be praying for her.
Living with step parents is hard. It can turn anyone's world upside down. I think the best you could do for her is to express that you see her as a beautiful girl and you wouldn't want anything to ever happen to her. Isn't that the truth? Sometimes when we know someone cares about what we do because of their concern about our well being, it gives us a good reason to make the choices that we make.
I have no idea what your situation is like, but it sounds like she feels like she has to be defensive and have control over something. This would be because of the divorce and effects that go with it. Sense she has no control over how her family is functioning, she controls her sex life and other choices like this. Sense her parents are moving on with their lives in their own direction, she may be feeling like she has to become more independent. This is a big step that she should be taking, but she doesn't have a grasp on how to be independent and responsible too. She needs some more guidance. I would suggest counseling- just someone to talk to every other week or so to get things off her chest. A good counselor will listen and understand what is going on with her.
Again, I'll be praying for your family. Take care and God bless.

xXErraticEmilyXx · Oct 23, 2012

CC_Bride said:

I don't know about that. I think it really depends on who you are.

Jordache · Oct 23, 2012

Well, I have to disagree with the above comment. While her father should definately have a strong and in this, you being the woman (and because you've been in the picture since she was a young girl, also have a responsibility. First, she will probably do what she's going to do, and to some extent you can't really stop her. If she's having sex in your house, then you need to put up some serious barriers to not allow that to happen. Boys NEVER belong in the room of a girl that young... and in the current situation, not even with the door opened. If she's sneaking him over when you're not there, then she can't be home alone either. Send her to a trusted friend, your friend not hers. Take her with you. Unfortunately, you shouldn't trust her with any freedom right now. While you can talk to her about why she shouldn't be having sex, you can only prevent it from happening at your house. Every other location is not under your control.
Get her on birth control. Make sure the communication is open. Do not judge her. Do you remember your hormones at 16. They're hard enough now, but then they were raging little monsters. There is a core reason she's having sex and that is what needs to be addressed.

Aqua_Girl09 · Oct 24, 2012

From what you're saying it seems like you should give up disciplinging her. your husband is not going to help and if both parents are not in agreement its not going to work. take her out shipping and over ice cream or something, say sorry for trying to be her mother bla bla w/e you have to, to get her to be your friend and they best thing you can do is be her friend since your husband won't let you be her mother.

and i think you and your husband should DEFINATLY seek counseling. if hes choosing his daughter over you then hes not serious about your relationship. you need to sit down with a mutual party and talk about her @ least and i'm sure their are other problems as well.

as for feeling bad that you can't wait till she leaves? its not like you're wishing for a death sentence. you just want her out of your hair. i think thats just fine. ^_^

Help...Stepdaughter!!

smoorikin

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