I can't remember the last time I had peace in my head...

[Relena7]

I'm starting to forget what it feels like to have a mind that is calm and at true peace. And I mean the REAL definition of inner peace that many grown adults in this world disacknowledge as important, so they neglect to nurture the seeds of peace in others, since they don't remember it exists.
I've had internal conflict for so long (since around age 9) about all kinds of different things that I sometimes forget that this state of mind isn't normal.

Some nights the conflict just eats me alive.
And when there is no conflict, there is just a general numbness and sedation going on, kind of like a slow browser on a computer that stops responding because it's overloaded with information, until it eventually crashes.

And please don't tell me my problem is "having too much time on my hands", because I know from personal experience it doesn't work like that. It doesn't matter what I fill my time with physically, I could be doing chores until I'm exhausted or on summer vacation at my favorite place in the world, or socializing until I wanna eat my own head off. The numb feeling will just come back when I lay my head down on the pillow each night to sleep. I don't feel fully present when I go anywhere "fun" and do things that most people my age would see as fun. I mean I appreciate it, but it doesn't genuinely calm my mind like how it was when I was a child. And without that calmness, life and all the great experiences in it just feel like a strange dream lately, almost like life is fake.

Sometimes I'll "medicate" myself with computer games so I don't get some weird-crazy-person anxiety disorder from being alone with my thoughts too long.

I have never touched drugs or drank alcohol, but there have been a million times I felt like I needed an escape. But I just suffer through those times because I stubbornly refuse to accept self-destruction as being the answer. Also, I know if I got addicted to something, I'd probably not be able to quit unless I replaced it with something else just as strong.

I know in the pit of my heart God gave me these unique challenges for a reason. I truly believe I am put on earth to learn something uncommon. (Otherwise I'm just put here to go insane, and no God would allow that, lol.)
I know I'm supposed to have some kind of really important epiphany so that I may be able to help others like me, or anyone who needs it. I just wish I knew what it was that I'm supposed to learn. I feel so weighed down by all this baggage and inner conflict.
I just wanna function healthy again and find my purpose.

I feel in my heart that I am avoiding something hugely important out of fear, but I'm not sure what exactly it is.
If you would, please pray for me that God will show me or give me clues what it is I'm supposed to face in order to be set free. My faith is weak from all the distraction and it's difficult to pray.

Thank you.
Also, thanks for putting up with my long post.


-Relena

 

[OFM]

relena i know that life can be hard do not worry about ur post i read all post long or short God does not mind long post here so i do not as well,i know that for me beng i-polar and diabetic with cronic neck pain life gets confusing some days and all mixed up i have had very much alot many a mixed up day,i stuggled for the lat 2.5 weeks with my memory do to cronic pain.it can a major distcation cause hurst stress over-ly concern i am learning more daily how to just pray through every thing over and over Jesus never gets upset with us if we pray muh on something we are told to be persesitant in prayerful prayer allways,read matt.6 all of it focus on 33-till end of the chapter,jn14:1-6. jn.1:14. Romans 8: focus on verses 28-end of chapter. ps. 1,5,23,27,. then readps.95 see the beauty of created nature then read ps 139 we are created far greater in the Image of Jesus.and look att yourself and see that you just as you look are the Image Reflection of God.as the moon has no light of its ow but reflects the sun light we spiritually have no light of our own but reflect the Light of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ thats Our Son-Light. then this week read ps 116,121.and cc e mail me here if u ever wish too talk.
be blessed. jeffrey mark.
Now lets Pray Together,Father God Lord Jesus Christ Blessed holy Spirt brig peace,calm calmness grace goodness spiritual rest and joyous joyful joy to Relena,guide her as i says in proverbs 3 protect her in your arms/wings as in ps 91 in Jesus Name i prayerfully pray AMEN.......................

 

[psychomom]

Elena, honey--I'm so sorry for you!
That feeling of not being 'present'...I used to tell my husband I felt as though I were superimposed on the world...is it like that?

It sounds like you're carrying a burden you were never meant to carry, dear child!
I pray the Lord will show you how to drop it at the foot of His cross, and let him do the carrying.
I'd tell you if I knew. I don't, but that matters little because He does, and I think it's different for each of us and perhaps even for each burden.

Here's what we know. We know your heart is His.
We know He loves you with an everlasting love.
We know He wants you to have peace. Not just ordinary peace, but peace that is impossible to comprehend or explain....His peace.
We know He Himself IS our peace. (Eph. 2:14).
We know we can have confidence that He is in charge of the affairs of man. And that He wants His peace to guard our hearts and minds. (Phil. 4)

It's so frustrating sometimes to realize we have very little control here...and it's also our greatest blessing.
I just want to encourage you to sow the Word into your mind. Nurture it, water your mind with His words. See how often He says "grace and peace"?
In my own life, I find that when I lack peace, it's usually because I fail to appropriate God's grace, or I fail to rest in it.
I wish I could say how to do that, and right in the middle of unsettling things, or painful times, but honestly, it's His work, and He does it so well, and faithfully. If I had that recipe...well. let's face it. Being me, I would misuse it, so it's best I don't have it! lol
(Sometimes I have lacked peace from unconfessed sin, but I know that isn't you, so thank God! you don't have to worry about that!)

But I can witness to the fact He is able, and so eager, to grant you peace, beloved of your Father.
He died to provide you with "grace upon grace"; John 1:16. One blessing after another.

I ask the Lord to give you strength, and to revive your confidence in His fidelity.
The Lord bless you and keep you, in Jesus,
ellie

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

 

[shekaniah]

Relena,

The only way I find true rest and peace is in nowing that all this is temporal.

2 Cor 4:18
So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 cor 5:1
Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

So cast your cares unto to him! All your anxiesties, worries, concerns, once and for all! Don't take them back! Leave them at the foot of the cross!
Jesus cares for you affectionately and watchfully!

Proverbs 3:6
in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

2 Cor 10:5
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ

So cast down your own imagination!
Lay aside every weight and the sin of worry!
Run with peace and patience the race, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our Faith!

May you always walk in the peace which surpasses all understanding in Jesus Name, Amen!

 

[Relena7]

Thanks for the kind encouraging words and prayers everyone. They mean a lot to me and I feel better being able to talk about this somewhere.

So cast down your own imagination!
Lay aside every weight and the sin of worry!
Run with peace and patience the race, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our Faith!

That is another one of my issues. I can't always separate the bad parts of my imagination from the good parts. I starve to know truth from lie. But in this world we are taught that if we hate to hear something it must be the truth. And this conflicts with everything in me. =/ Truth is supposed to equal unexplainable peace.

As soon as I actually realize what is bothering me, and what it really looks like, chances are it won't actually bother me anymore because by then I'll see it for what it is....

 

[kenisyes]

I know in the pit of my heart God gave me these unique challenges for a reason. I truly believe I am put on earth to learn something uncommon. (Otherwise I'm just put here to go insane, and no God would allow that, lol.)
I know I'm supposed to have some kind of really important epiphany so that I may be able to help others like me, or anyone who needs it. I just wish I knew what it was that I'm supposed to learn. I feel so weighed down by all this baggage and inner conflict.
That is another one of my issues. I can't always separate the bad parts of my imagination from the good parts. I starve to know truth from lie. But in this world we are taught that if we hate to hear something it must be the truth. And this conflicts with everything in me. =/ Truth is supposed to equal unexplainable peace.
As soon as I actually realize what is bothering me, and what it really looks like, chances are it won't actually bother me anymore because by then I'll see it for what it is....
-Relena

To have even realized this much of the answer so young in life is unique. You feel what others avoid: satan vs. God, Jesus vs. the anitchrist, we are told we need the whole armor of God. This world is in constant conflict. God sees it all the time too, I'm sure. When I was about 16, I started to hear the screams of pain in the world when I started to go into deep prayer. I have to be careful even now, that I only take on one problem at a time when I do intercessory prayer.

You have one erroneous belief, and this could be the cause of the whole thing. Just because some people hate to hear the truth, does not mean that whatever you hate to hear is the truth. Use Scripture, not feeling, to know what is true. As a child of God, His truth will bring you joy.

 

[nw2u]

Prayers sent.

 

[libertygirl]

Hi Relena, I will be praying for you. I like listening to this song when I'm feeling scared. I don't know what type of music you're into, but I think you'd like the lyrics!

Link: Brandon Schmidt - "Speak" - YouTube

 

[pickles]

Relina, one of the most difficult lessons one can learn, is that all we can do is hang onto Jesus , no matter what.
Maby no great epiphany, but a peace so perfect and strong that one's life can build on it, because it is the peace of knowing that just as Jesus will never give up on you, you know you will never give up on Him.
No great moving moment, but the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Ill be praying you know soon,this peace in Jesus.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

 

[Relena7]

Thanks so much everyone.

Relina, one of the most difficult lessons one can learn, is that all we can do is hang onto Jesus , no matter what.
Maby no great epiphany, but a peace so perfect and strong that one's life can build on it, because it is the peace of knowing that just as Jesus will never give up on you, you know you will never give up on Him.
No great moving moment, but the peace that surpasses all understanding.
Ill be praying you know soon,this peace in Jesus.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

The last time I had a major epiphany (basically, I saw a window of lies I was allowed to UNlearn), everyone in my life noticed my huge change in personality. Even random employees at my local grocery store noticed how different I was. And they barely know me at all.

So um yeah it would be kind of a big thing if that feeling were permanent...

 

[pickles]

Thanks so much everyone.



The last time I had a major epiphany (basically, I saw a window of lies I was allowed to UNlearn), everyone in my life noticed my huge change in personality. Even random employees at my local grocery store noticed how different I was. And they barely know me at all.

So um yeah it would be kind of a big thing if that feeling were permanent...

Huge hugs Relena, I do understand, Jesus is not going to leave you alone, even if it may feel this way.
He is working on you in ways you may not yet see, but know that Jesus sees everything, and will bring in you a peace that will surpass all understanding, and will remain strong always within you.
Just keep looking to Him, soon you will see how close He has been holding onto you.
Right next to His heart.

One thing I have known in Jesus, is that when we know great dispair, Jesus never fails to bring an equal and greater mesure of His joy to fill the place left empty.

Hugs and God bless
pickles

 

[HeraldtheNews]

I'm starting to forget what it feels like to have a mind that is calm and at true peace. And I mean the REAL definition of inner peace...

...I know in the pit of my heart God gave me these unique challenges for a reason. I truly believe I am put on earth to learn something uncommon.

If you would, please pray for me that God will show me or give me clues what it is I'm supposed to face in order to be set free. My faith is weak from all the distraction and it's difficult to pray.

.


-Relena

Sure, I'll pray for you tonight-- I went through some very similar things when I was your age. You have a lot going for you really; Like me, you have a good awareness and insight into your issues. But, that's only the first step. Sounds like you need to nurture your heart-- build some close friendships; One thing that might be working against you is that you are TOO strong, if that makes any sense. But, the things you are describing-- they can't be overcome alone; and they can't be overcome with our own inner resources, no matter how on top of things we might be; Trust me on that one-- I'm twice your age, and have been at it a long time;

I would recommend a supportive living situation where you can share these life experiences with peers. Depending on how serious you feel, or others feel, your situation might be, if it was me, I'd consider a Christian/medical solution. Not really a hospital, but, somewhere where you can get these things resolved before they get to the point where that computer browser starts to slow down and lock up from being overwhelmed-- sounds like you are too close for that for comfort;
If you continue like this for an extended time, you might need emergency help in time such as a hospital.
I'd at least seek some Christian counseling immediately.
My situation was much worse when i was age 28, but, I finally realized enough was enough, and checked into a hospital/counseling center.

And, the books "The Bondage Breaker," and "Victory Over the Darkness," by Dr. Neil Anderson, would be very helpful-- he believes in recovery as a whole person;