Age gap

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limelime

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Hi all, some advice would be greatly appreciated. I am 23 years old, and this girl I like is 16, and she is interested in me too. We have known each other for about 7 years. She was affectionate back then, but I had always treated her as a sister. I've known she liked me for quite a while, and felt that it was because she was just young and immature, but now that she is older, I have started to develop feelings for her too. I knew her through her parents, whom I am very close to, and maintain a good relationship with; I am sure they are well aware of their daughter's feelings, and I'm often invited to their home. I understand the main concern for most people when it comes to the age gap. It worries me too... If I had a daughter who is 16, I would think that she is not ready for a relationship. However, I found her really mature for her age. I used to treat her like a child, a younger sister, but she is really intelligent and smart, and I feel that I should be treating her as an equal instead. I have been praying quite a bit about this matter. She is making her interests known...but I've never really asked her out or reciprocated. In fact, sometimes I feel guilty just ignoring. I don't club or drink, and I am very much family-oriented for someone my age. I really like her and her family. I spend more time talking to her parents than to her. I have never been in a relationship. I have only loved one other girl in my life, and was rejected. I don't believe in casual dating, unless the aim is long term; I am focusing more on completing my studies. They are really nice people. I don't mind waiting for her to grow older, the age gap is not as apparent, and she would be more mature. I've always reckoned when young, all these feelings were just infatuations, but who was I to judge? Worldly wisdom seems to suggest that this might be problematic. If I were to go into this relationship, I must be aware that there will be some criticisms from the people around me. I'd like to seek advice if I should put my faith in this relationship, or are these doubts really a warning?
 
It's called "jail bait" for a reason. The reason is that if you fall you can go to prison and then have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. Do yourself a favor: flee! Find someone your own age.

limelime said:
Hi all, some advice would be greatly appreciated. I am 23 years old, and this girl I like is 16, and she is interested in me too. We have known each other for about 7 years. She was affectionate back then, but I had always treated her as a sister. I've known she liked me for quite a while, and felt that it was because she was just young and immature, but now that she is older, I have started to develop feelings for her too. I knew her through her parents, whom I am very close to, and maintain a good relationship with; I am sure they are well aware of their daughter's feelings, and I'm often invited to their home. I understand the main concern for most people when it comes to the age gap. It worries me too... If I had a daughter who is 16, I would think that she is not ready for a relationship. However, I found her really mature for her age. I used to treat her like a child, a younger sister, but she is really intelligent and smart, and I feel that I should be treating her as an equal instead. I have been praying quite a bit about this matter. She is making her interests known...but I've never really asked her out or reciprocated. In fact, sometimes I feel guilty just ignoring. I don't club or drink, and I am very much family-oriented for someone my age. I really like her and her family. I spend more time talking to her parents than to her. I have never been in a relationship. I have only loved one other girl in my life, and was rejected. I don't believe in casual dating, unless the aim is long term; I am focusing more on completing my studies. They are really nice people. I don't mind waiting for her to grow older, the age gap is not as apparent, and she would be more mature. I've always reckoned when young, all these feelings were just infatuations, but who was I to judge? Worldly wisdom seems to suggest that this might be problematic. If I were to go into this relationship, I must be aware that there will be some criticisms from the people around me. I'd like to seek advice if I should put my faith in this relationship, or are these doubts really a warning?
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Hi, a couple years ago I was in the position of the 16 year old girl liking the older guy. Things didn't quite work out, but that was for different reasons. As for my advice to you, wait till she's older. Trust me, a girl at 16 can be fickle no matter how mature they are. In my church, we're not allowed to start dating until the age of 18. I say wait til then, see if here feelings are still the same, and then see where it goes from there. Seven years is quite an age gap, but I know several couples with more of a gap than that and they are still happily married. Just wait til she's a little older and knows exactly what she wants, it will be better that way for the both of you. Also, make sure both of your hearts are right with God. That way He can help guide you to what the right decision is. And keep on praying! Hope I was able to help, God bless.
 
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So you've known her since you were 16 and she was 9.. and you like this girl?? This is wack
 
Singer4Christ said:
Hi, a couple years ago I was in the position of the 16 year old girl liking the older guy. Things didn't quite work out, but that was for different reasons. As for my advice to you, wait till she's older. Trust me, a girl at 16 can be fickle no matter how mature they are. In my church, we're not allowed to start dating until the age of 18. I say wait til then, see if here feelings are still the same, and then see where it goes from there. Seven years is quite an age gap, but I know several couples with more of a gap than that and they are still happily married. Just wait til she's a little older and knows exactly what she wants, it will be better that way for the both of you. Also, make sure both of your hearts are right with God. That way He can help guide you to what the right decision is. And keep on praying! Hope I was able to help, God bless.
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Thanks for the advice. That's what I felt so too. Though I don't mind the waiting, but I feel Guilty making her wait instead; not reciprocating.
 
Then you could tell her that you're waiting. When I was told that by the older guy I completely understood. Because I didn't want others to think that the gap was inappropriate either. I bet she will understand; if she likes you the way you like her, she won't mind the wait either. But you can't ignore her after that, you have to maintain the relationship you have now.
 
Singer4Christ said:
Then you could tell her that you're waiting. When I was told that by the older guy I completely understood. Because I didn't want others to think that the gap was inappropriate either. I bet she will understand; if she likes you the way you like her, she won't mind the wait either. But you can't ignore her after that, you have to maintain the relationship you have now.
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Thanks for the advice!
 
16 is so young..........she isn't physically, emotionally or mentally developed yet.
Now if you were 30 and she was 23 that would be different.
She will change so much by the time she is at the age you are now.
She will be a completely different person.....much more different than you will be in seven years.
Think about it.
Plus there are girls who married too young to older men that ended up resenting the man when they grew up........
like they stole their childhood. Back in the day, when this sort of thing used to happen alot; this deep resentment was a common occurrence.
She will change physically, emotionally and mentally light years from the way she is now.
You have to ask yourself this question; (even if you get her parents blessing) - is marrying such a young girl fair to her?
 
AgeofKnowledge said:
It's called "jail bait" for a reason. The reason is that if you fall you can go to prison and then have to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. Do yourself a favor: flee! Find someone your own age.
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That law doesn't apply to all countries, and I know that it doesn't apply in the country where he is from because I'm also from that same country (but I live in the US). Plus, there are some states in the US where the age of consent is 16.

Note, I am not advocating this relationship. Just getting the facts straight about the legality of it.
 
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zeroturbulence said:
That law doesn't apply to all countries, and I know that it doesn't apply in the country where he is from because I'm also from that same country (but I live in the US). Plus, there are some states in the US where the age of consent is 16.

Note, I am not advocating this relationship. Just getting the facts straight about the legality of it.
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Thanks zeroturbulence, I am aware of that.
I am firmly against any forms of sexual relations before marriage...something I strongly believe in.

I greatly appreciate RickShafer view on how girls who marry too young might feel like "their childhood" is robbed away... I believe she has a lot more to see of the world, and if anything, I also want what is good for her.

And Singer4Christ, thanks once again for the helpful advice which I am most likely going to follow.
 
Depends on the girl. I have a young friend who is very mature for her age. When she was 16, she had a crush on a guy 5 years older than her. I think he started liking her when she was 17, so he waited until she turned 18 to ask her out. She married him at 19 years old and he was 24. Nobody judged them because they are both godly people.

If the girl you like is spiritually and emotionally mature, then the age gap doesn't matter so much. You'll just have to wait until she turns 18. But if you have doubts, then pray about it more. Maybe you just have to wait longer, maybe wait until she turns 21.
 
Just something to consider, no matter how 'mature' a 16 year old is, science has shown the brain has not physically finished growing and developing til 21. The last part of the brain to fully develop? The ability to foresee consequences of your own actions.

Also, as pointed out, a lot of changes can take place from 16 to 18. Hormones are still influencing her thinking in ways they won't be later on down the line. New experiences will alter her thinking and perception.

We also have to consider, does God really want a child to be focusing on marriage? Paul discourage marriage when possible, so to think that God is encouraging or desiring a child still in school, still mentally and emotionally undeveloped, still growing spiritually, still needing an education, still needing experiences to focus on marriage just doesn't make sense.

I suggest forgetting about this girl for now. Leave yourself open to other women, your age. And if a few years down the road shes still available, then give it consideration.

Last, remember, when you have feelings for a person, it tends to blind you to their faults, or the faults of the situation, and you overemphasize the good traits. Chances are you are overemphasizing her actual maturity level in an attempt to justify acting on how you feel.
 
Talk to her parents about it. Talk to your parents about it, providing they are both christian. If they think it is appropriate, take things very slow.

Having said this. I was an idiot at 16. I wouldn't recognise myself and I am now 23, I wouldn't recognise myself at 19. *shrug*

- edit -

On the church banning thing... not a fan of that, too legalistic imo, can understanding the reasoning though.
 
This isn't the most PC answer, and I may get e-flamed for this, but as the older sister to a 16 year old I'd be more than a little tempted to kick a 23 year old guy's butt, among other things, if he was making passes at her or trying to date her. I don't even care what the intentions are, noble or not.
Let her grow up.
 
16 is REALLY young. i'm 21 and i'm still trying to "find myself" i can't imagine being in a serious relationship even not. let alone @ THAT age.

Its been 7 years already, i think it would be best to wait two more. and before you start ANYTHING with her talk with her parents. you don't want to mess up their family or standing relationship by going behind their back or stirr up feelings and get attached and THEN find out they're against it.

pray and wait. ^_^ God bless.
 
Hey all. really appreciate the comments. would appreciate some prayers for guidance too. If this is from God, or not.I understand where everyone is coming from, they are my worries too, and i have adopted the same stance in the issue some time back. Hellooo...Don't worry about being PC, i know i will whoop the guy too:) if anything, my main problem is i tend to overanalyse the consequences. i am very much a cynic, and downplay feelings for rationality. i don't mind waiting, but i think honestly, i will fear the judgements of people.
 
I too was in the position of being the younger one in the relationship... What I have learned from the experience is :
if I'm not drinking from the well of Gods love..... I get thirsty spiritually... What happened was, instead of running to God and letting Him fill me with His love, I ran to wells (people or things) that dried up after a while... only to run to another and another quenching an insatiable thirst.... when I finally came to know Gods love, I stopped doing that ... I have been single ever since because of the contentment of drinking as much and as often as I want from Gods well.... the blessing Tjat has come from this are on many levels...
I am more focused
I am not lonely
I am not aimlessly roaming about " looking" for someone to love me
I am protected under gods umbrella from sexual sin .
I am absolutely content

I too was fooled into thinking " this feels so right". I believed my " feelings " instead of believing God...
A good question to ask is : Would God tell us .... go after an under age girl? No God would not tell you that knowing there are laws against it...
Satan will convince us how to justify it ... he will even talk you into believing it's right....
Do not believe the lie.... Believe God
 
I think in some of these other countries it's not that unusual for someone that age to marry, it used to be common here, but I think the main reason for that, was people even a hundred years ago, simply didn't live as long as people do today, back then most 16 year old girls were much more mature then today's girls anyway, by that age she would have known how to do everything her mother knew how to do, this was an agricultural country and women had the very important job of keeping up the house tending to the children, cooking etc, it wasn't like today, those were critical things in keeping a household running, farms in those days didn't have all the powered equipment of today so the men would have been completely exhausted by the time the end of the day came,
 
If you love her, you will wait for her. Time will tell with whether or not you are meant to be together. Above all else seek God and continue to pray to Him.

Note: When you question things, it's often a good idea not to jump into them. If you didn't feel it was wrong to be with her now, you would have that in your heart. Perhaps this uncertainty is just the Lord telling you to wait.
 
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