Don't Touch Me

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Crimson_Lark

Crimson_Lark

Senior Member
#1
Apr 17, 2012
207
15
18
#1
I'm single. I would like to be married. Thus I invest part of my time and energy in meeting men.

The problem is when I am introduced to someone via the internet and then we meet in person
they want to hug me when they first see me. What the heck?!?

These guys are one step away from stranger. Who hugs almost strangers?
Hugging the gas station attendant would actually be more natural, I know that guy better and we've had more conversations!

It's not sexual, I'm wearing my winter coat and a scarf. Are these
just strange lonely men? Are they socially awkward and think hugging an almost stranger is normal? Is it cultural?

It makes no sense to me. Please someone explain this odd behavior.




 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#2
#2
Guys are weird. Does that help?
 
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Hellooo

Guest
#3
#3
Its not necessarily odd behavior, but if something makes you uncomfortable in how you're approached, I would find a *tactful* way to take a few steps back or hold your hand out for a handshake without hurting the guy's feelings.

I was raised in a culture where everyone kisses on the cheek (several times) to greet each other,and everyone's sense of personal space is a little smaller than the norm in the US. When I visit my extended family abroad, I am almost physically assaulted by my relatives and other people, and men can be waaaay more aggressive about greeting women or expressing their interest.

Hugging someone you're about to go out with doesn't strike me as particularly odd, and I wouldn't immediately think the guy is strange and lonely, unless he intentionally won't keep away after you make it clear that it bothers you, or is just consistently over the top throughout the whole date.
 
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Powemm

Guest
#4
#4
Man i can so relate to this... I had to start asking myself why I was positioning myself in such ways this was happening... What I realized was, I was running out from the safety of my fathers house (ahead of God) instead of allowing God to bring the man to me...( I will remain faithful to the leadership
Role of the man and respect the man who decides to have the courage to step into his position...) any mam who tries to violate my
Mama role while he's gone " basically not here yet" can bet he's going to get a rude awakening from me trying to violate his position as a bachelor passing by with motives.... There's a reason there are alpha males and those who run in bachelor groups .... Anyone can call me from a curb anywhere in the world... The ghetto is what I call that...would my father want me to run out of the safety of his house to meet a stranger? I think not... He's going to want a gentleman (alpha male) who is transparent in revealing who he is... he's going to know my father and only with my fathers approval will He step one foot into His house... God is looking for aan to hand me off too... Not one I go running out to find and tell daddy " hey look what I've found for me this time". Stop
Answering calls from the ghetto, stop running out of the safety
Of Gods house, ahead of God out into the ghetto.... Has it worked yet? these are the realistic conversations we must have with ourselves inside our hearts with God... Would God say" hey !!go run out to a place away from safety and meet someone you don't even know?". Never! When I got into a closer relationship with God and came to know the love and best interest God has for
Me I finally had something to compare what is presented to me with... Before this I settled for whatever sounded and looked good.. Gigantic mistake!... I now know that it is the reflection of God and all He has for me that should be reflecting out of thean God has planned for me... since we are gods children respecting and preserving his role to return to, wouldn't we reflect the same respect and preservation of the role for our partner? if I have to be rude to protect what is holy to keep predators out... Well, I thank God he has equipped me to do so... I am proud of you for taking a stand and protecting and preserving the right of the kind of Godly mam you want to enter into your life... just know you aren't the only one out there protection such a position and role for you're mate... if we aren't protecting the headline before he comes.... Who's going to protect it after he gets here? We can do all things in Christ
 
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Powemm

Guest
#5
#5
I gotta laugh at auto correct ... Baaahaha!! It always takes a serious conversation and puts laughter into it .... Love it!
 
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1still_waters

Guest
#6
#6
Don't worry, if one of them makes it to a third or fourth date, and doesn't hug you, you can post about how unaffectionate men are.:p

On a serious note, these men obviously can't pick up on social cues.
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#7
May 23, 2009
15,078
4,646
113
#7
In some ways, I really do think guys are more lonely than girls.

I realize some women aren't huggers, and I can't say I'm thrilled in church when tons of people around me I don't know want to hug, but in general, we women receive more affection and positive affirmation than men. I think that in general, most women receive hugs from friends, relatives, etc. and so our "love tank" is more filled when it comes to physical reassurances.

With men, not so much. Guys generally don't go around hugging each other (and if they do, it raises eyebrows), so I think a lot of guys feel that the only way they can receive any kind of physical reassurance (which almost all human beings crave at some point) is from a woman, and most especially a woman they feel any kind of connection with. You are right in that sometimes I think some men really are desperate for any kind of physical contact, and not always in a bad way.

I agree, however, that this can be totally awkward. I remember one guy I went to lunch with asking for a hug and to be honest, it totally creeped me out. I have tried my very best to get away with handshakes but every now and then I've had to give in to an uncomfortable half-a-second hug. (And by nature, I'm very affectionate, just not with someone I don't really know.)

Here's where we can take a cue from the guys... The next time you're in this awkward situation... Try a fist bump, half of a "lean-in" (leaning toward the person) and a quick pat on the back. Shoot, while we're at it, maybe we should also burp and say, "Dude..." But that might be a little extreme. :D
 
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Stuey

Senior Member
#8
Aug 17, 2009
892
4
18
#8
Do most of you girls really feel this uncomfortable with hugs?... wow. Honestly I'm quite surprised.

Tbh if I had been talking to someone on the net for months, decided to meet a hug would be the perfectly natural way to meet.

I think you should tell the guy before you meet - 'don't take this personally, but don't hug me or I'll freak out'
 
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erika83

Senior Member
#10
Dec 17, 2008
142
1
18
#10
I actually prefer to be kisses on cheeks, which is cultural in Europe, than be hugged. Hug is just toooo close from a half stranger, kisses are mostly just touching cheeks and are blewn in air lol
 
R

Relena7

Guest
#11
#11
I don't meet strangers on the internet. Only internet friends. That way when we hug, it isn't as weird.

As for the hugging, I am not a touchy-feely person by any means...I don't know who made the cultural decision that everyone here should generally hug when greeting people, but I'm against it. :p Hugs should be reserved for mutual friends who are close and more than acquaintances, or people in relationships IMO.
Relatives should respect children's space and not make them hug out of obligation, but only if they want to. Where's the magic in hugging a kid that doesn't like hugs?

And why is it the women get hugged and the men only have to handshake?? How unfair is that?
Why do men get more personal space? :confused: I'm just as un-huggy as any dude. :p

I need to make a visible personal space bubble and wear it to the next party I go to. :rolleyes: haha
 
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Hellooo

Guest
#12
#12
Man, if you're meeting someone you are attracted to, and that you have some kind of connection with, don't you WANT to hug them?

I'm not super affectionate, but putting walls up right before you go out with someone seems like an awkward way to start off your date. Not that you have to be all over each other, by any means, but a one armed, side hug or something to break the ice.

The only time it would truly bother me, is if I'm just not into the guy to begin with.

This is only my sick sense of curiosity, but would you turn down a hug if the guy looked like Adam Levine? (I wouldn't, haha)

But for real, if something makes you uncomfortable say something, but it doesn't make the guy a weirdo...if his intentions aren't bad, you don't want to make him feel like a freak while he's out with you.
 
LightningClap0002

LightningClap0002

Senior Member
#13
Feb 10, 2008
3,371
16
38
#13
Hellooo said:
Man, if you're meeting someone you are attracted to, and that you have some kind of connection with, don't you WANT to hug them?

I'm not super affectionate, but putting walls up right before you go out with someone seems like an awkward way to start off your date. Not that you have to be all over each other, by any means, but a one armed, side hug or something to break the ice.

The only time it would truly bother me, is if I'm just not into the guy to begin with.

This is only my sick sense of curiosity, but would you turn down a hug if the guy looked like Adam Levine? (I wouldn't, haha)

But for real, if something makes you uncomfortable say something, but it doesn't make the guy a weirdo...if his intentions aren't bad, you don't want to make him feel like a freak while he's out with you.
Click to expand...
This is my general understanding of the female psyche. In my experience this is far more common among women than the other. Unless i'm directly told differently, I'll assume that a side hug at least is acceptable.
 
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zaoman32

Guest
#14
#14
Stuey said:
Do most of you girls really feel this uncomfortable with hugs?... wow. Honestly I'm quite surprised.

Tbh if I had been talking to someone on the net for months, decided to meet a hug would be the perfectly natural way to meet.

I think you should tell the guy before you meet - 'don't take this personally, but don't hug me or I'll freak out'
Click to expand...
I'll have to admit, I'm honestly surprised too, but I also think Seoul hit the nail on the head too.
 
error

error

Senior Member
#15
Oct 23, 2009
1,244
10
38
#15
I like to hug ppl that i like.
 
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zaoman32

Guest
#16
#16
I like to hug people that are uncomfortable with hugging....
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#19
May 23, 2009
15,078
4,646
113
#19
zaoman32 said:
I like to hug people that are uncomfortable with hugging....
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This made me laugh too! :)

In all seriousness, I can see how you poor guys would be confused and I am trying to think of why some situations have made me uncomfortable.

First of all, touch is so personal and many people have had bad experiences with touch, both men and women. I have known some women whose boyfriends went from hugging them to choking or hitting them and so even initial touch was something to be careful about.

I am also a bit cautious in that most guys are bigger and stronger than I am. NOT that they intend harm but seeing as I've had a few experiences where guys "threw around their weight", picking me up and throwing me into a couch, car, and the floor (I thank God that I was spared from harm), this causes me to be careful about personal space.

But to be completely honest, the times I was most uneasy was when you could tell a guy was way more into the idea of a relationship developing than I was, or that he was desperately lonely and probably would have gotten married on the spot if you would have said yes.

I once met a guy for lunch who greeted me with, "You're a lot cuter than I was expecting," and for some reason, I didn't find that to be a compliment and was really uneasy the whole time. In these types of situations, I don't feel comfortable with physical touch because I feel that to do so is to lead him on or deceive his heart.

He's obviously looking to you for something you can't provide (connection, companionship on a more involved level), and I feel that to keep some space is to also be more honest.
 
lookwhatthelordhasdone

lookwhatthelordhasdone

Senior Member
#20
Oct 11, 2012
1,026
10
38
#20
Stuey said:
Do most of you girls really feel this uncomfortable with hugs?... wow. Honestly I'm quite surprised.

Tbh if I had been talking to someone on the net for months, decided to meet a hug would be the perfectly natural way to meet.

I think you should tell the guy before you meet - 'don't take this personally, but don't hug me or I'll freak out'
Click to expand...
I love hugs, so more for me!

Seriously though, some men were raised to greet strangers or acquaintances that way. I know when I meet someone new, before they leave I give them a hug. To me, it just makes the goodbye or hello more warm and personal and less awkward. Others feel uncomfortable though, and I can understand that. Maybe when you talk to people from now on, you could mention that you don't like to be very touchy-feely with strangers or new people so they can kind of take the hint.
 
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