I Cannot Withhold My Testimony. It Belongs To the Lord
The Written Testament of the Regeneration of Jose Garcia Martin
This is not easy for me to write. This is not easy for me to read. Telling this story is challenging both spiritually and emotionally. It paints the portrait of my former self in an honest light. That is the most difficult part. It is not easy to be transparent. What if I am ridiculed or mocked? What if I am scorned, despised, or abhorred? These fears have kept me from sharing my testimony in its fullness. Yet my testimony does not belong to me. It is the property of God our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and therefore I must. It is His grace and glory manifested in my life for the world to see His magnificence and His mercy. Who am I to hold on to my testimony? Why would I even want to? As you might imagine my past is filled with shameful, sinful secrets. It is filled with things that might cause some disgust or discontent- things that I prefer not to mention or altogether forget. However, Romans chapter 8 verse 28 tells us that God works all things to the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. My sinfulness could not dismay God from what He has purposed to do. For the God of grace imparts the grace of God to those whose worthiness is zero (that is all of us). It pleased God to raise from the dust of the earth a man to be formed in his image. I am ancestor of that same dirty, dusty man, and by the grace of God and blood of Christ, I am being shaped and conformed into the image of Christ. Will a man rob God? Who am I to rob God of His glory and make manifest the true graciousness of God? For there might be many undelivered and unrepentant who struggle in the same areas God removed me from or better yet removed from me. There may be those among you who will look at me as less, but I fear not your judgment. For the Lord our God has taken me from perdition and into His merciful embrace. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. I will bear no shame for the sins of old. For the old man has been dead for quite sometime. As the new creature I profess Christ’s glory through my testimony.
THE SIN
“The thoughts of my heart were evil continually.”
Where do I start? I suppose like all stories, it is sufficient to start at the beginning. I was born July 15, 1985 the child of an absentee father and an unwed teenage mother. I guess it would be easy to say that I was a product of my environment, but the truth is I was no different than anyone else. I was born in sin and forged in iniquity. Every thought of my mind was wretched. I was –as all men- conceived a transgressor. Prior to my comprehension of total depravity, I was the poster child. It is upon this truth that I begin my story. For all my transgressions were branches of a corrupt root- a sinful heart.
I was raised the grandson of a Southern Baptist pastor. I grew up learning Bible stories and singing hymns. I wore a sunny Sunday smile, but the truth was not very bright. Although my mouth proclaimed Christianity, my heart did not acknowledge the things I was taught to believe. I believed the truthfulness of the narrative, but it did not affect my young heart. Despite these earlier years, I did not attempt to live the Christian life. I knew Jesus by namesake but never did I truly care to know Him. The fact of the matter is that I was about as far from Christ as innocence is to wickedness. I was a degenerate sinner apart from saving faith. With that foundation laid, I want to address a particular area of my life that became a tremendous stronghold: lust. Lust manifested early and progressed into twisted affections: sexual promiscuity, lack of sexual discernment, bisexuality, fornication, adultery, and porn addiction. I was introduced to pornography at an early age. I cannot immediately recall which age I was when I first viewed it, but I remember encountering pornographic materials and videotapes with explicit content that children (or adults for that matter) should not be witnessing. This uncovering provided the opportunity to indulge my sinful inclination and give room to a future addiction. During this time, I was coerced to participate in a sexual act with a female of the same age. Her father molested her. I believe this contributed to her sexual behavior. As time ticked on and the clock went forward, I grew in stature, and piled on the wrath of God. Upon the discovery of internet pornography, my lust-filled heart finds an avenue of release. The pitfall of masturbation drives me into the darkest of dispositions. The downward spiral of sinful indulgence produces deeper and darker skeletons in the closet. I began to explore the idea of same sex interaction. Around the age of 14, another male touched me in a sexual manner. Though the exchange was not invited, it was not unwanted.
.
“I was busy working when God offered rest.”
Fast forward. September 11, 2001 arrives. Among the debris of crumbled concrete, twisted metal, and bruised bodies laid a confused teenager. The scene was apocalyptic. I felt anxiousness, fear, unrest and awe at the carnage of two massive towers being shredded. I thought this event was a harbinger of the end of the world. I was scared and desperate. It was only natural to seek refuge in a church building. Perplexed and frightened at the awareness of my mortality, I responded to an altar call by asking Jesus into my heart (still have not found that presentation of the gospel in the scriptures). For about six months, I was really trying to WORK on myself. I was trying to become a better person and a good Christian. I was busy working when God offered rest. I realized later that I responded to my emotions and not a prompting of the Holy Spirit or a clear presentation of the gospel leading to true repentance and faith in Christ. During the time I was working to maintain my Christian confession, I was engaged in a pseudo sexual relationship with another male. I say pseudo because it was consisted of fondling, massaging, dry humping, mutual masturbation, petting, and stroking without engaging in penetrative sexual intercourse (although spiritually the sin burden is no different). This went on over the course of several years.
Fast forward. At the age of 17, I became sexually active. About a year later, I joined the Navy. In basic training, I became much more addicted to masturbating. My thoughts often consisted of some homosexual action. While in A school, I became sexually involved with a female student as well as the girlfriend I left behind in Gary. All the while, I maintained the fallacy that I was purely heterosexual. While stationed in San Diego, I became increasingly promiscuous and equally as undiscerning. I frequently participated in one-night stands with random people, and often without prophylactic. Consequently, I contracted gonorrhea at one point, but I still learned no lesson. When sex was not available to me, I turned back to pornography. Porn became like a gateway drug. It began as nude photos in magazines and websites, but evolved into live action videos. The fetishes change from girl/guy to girl/girl, and then to threesomes. After a while that is not enough to avail so I begin watching transsexual porn and then guy/guy. There had been a point I mentioned earlier where I experienced such desires towards men and been involved, but I supposed it was just out of confusion and meant nothing. Though I had often fantasized of being with other men sexually other than the relationship I mentioned earlier I never thought of actually acting on the desires. I was taught that it was sinful, and to indulge it was irredeemable. Although I had indulged it, I never thought of myself in terms as anything other than heterosexual. In my thoughts, my transgressions were primarily of the mind and the interactions I did have were not the same thing as sex. The urge to experiment and experience the fulfillment of these perversions greater develops. I turn to online avenues [chat rooms, forums, social networks, dating sites, Craigslist ads, etc] these only add fuel to a growing fire. Amid all this, I began a relationship with a bisexual female. She encouraged me to explore and to” venture” out. She opens doors for me that would lead me to destruction and ruin. I fell into a deeper pit of sin, and I began to indulge in unhealthy sexual behavior. I engaged in illicit activities with transsexuals, other men, and other women. I become engulfed in what many refer to as an alternate lifestyle, but I consider a deathstlye. At one point, my secret life became not as secret as someone I was on the ship with made an ad I posted on Craigslist public. . I was met with a sorrow, not for what I had done but for being exposed. I was perfectly okay living in my sin as long as no one was aware of it. I believe that sometimes God sheds the light on our darkness and makes our walls transparent so we can no longer hide behind them; however, I denied my sinfulness. Rather than confess my sin or even acknowledge it as sin before a holy God and repent, I tried to pick up the pieces of my broken reputation to justify myself before men. I plastered together my shattered name and people bought into it and allowed me to back into my closet. My death continued: a liar, drunkard, fornicator, idolater, adulterer, blasphemer, murderer (of the heart), homosexual offender, haughty, thief, etc. I had a degree of conviction. I knew that my actions were not aligned with the will of God. I knew that the God of the Bible was real and that in His eyes I was worthy of the judgment. Yet I was not of a heart with the capacity to repent. In my self-righteousness, I thought of myself as beyond forgiveness. I thought that I had done too much. I did not know the depths of God’s grace or the sufficiency of the cross. I was not fully aware of my wretchedness and depravity. I thought that somewhere inside of me was the capacity to be better. When I looked at myself, I thought that my sin was merely my sexual transgressions but it was more than that. The problem was not that I had committed the most heinous sin that separated me from God. The problem was that I had done nothing but sin. The thoughts of my heart were evil continually. My sexual behavior was just a branch in a tree rooted in darkness
At this point of the story, I begin dating the woman who is now my wife. We continued in the same sinful lifestyle: threesomes, swinging, etc.. She had been “raised in the church”. She at times displayed conviction but was merely a worldly sorrow that did not lead to repentance.
CONVERSION:
My behavior continues towards a road of death and destruction with no visible light at the end of the tunnel. That is the case until God intervenes. New Years weekend 2010 I flew down to southern California. While aboard flight, the plane undergoes great turbulence. Full of fear, I began to pray out for God’s protection. During the prayer, I felt a sharp conviction. I began to comprehend my sin and the righteousness of God. I felt like a murderer asking for a favor from his victim. I was in enmity with God. What right did I(do I) have to God’s compassion? What business did I have asking God for sympathy, leniency , or benevolence ? I did not understand God’s grace and mercy. On that flight, the truth of my depravity began to burden my heart. It had become clear that I had never known Jesus and had I died on that flight He would be just and righteous to send me to an everlasting hell. When I returned from that weekend trip, I came to find that the Lord in His providence began convicting my wife about the lives we were leading as well, and had drawn her to repentance. When she told me this, I did not initially know how to react. Was this God drawing us into His redeeming love? Was there salvation for one as wretched as I? What about all that stuff I did? Is it possible that even I could be forgiven? The answer became clear as we began a fast the beginning of the following week. I had decided that I would fast from some of the addictions that had taken hold of my life: porn and masturbation. On the second day of the fast, it became clear the weight these things had on me and how depraved I truly was. I cannot explain it by anything other than the Holy Spirit working in me to remove my addictions. Literally, within the blink of an eye God had reached into my heart and removed all the immoral homosexual desires, the desire for porn, drinking, fornication, cursing, etc. The Lord made a radical change in my life in a powerful way and the old man had been put away. The cross became a magnificent reality. God’s grace made sense to me. The bible gained clarity. God’s attributes became visible.
NEW LIFE:
Since my conversion, God has raised me out of the death of sin and given me new life. He has created in me a renewed mind and a new heart with new desires. The Lord in His redemptive power drew me(and draws me) unto repentance. I do not have the strength nor will to change only the blood of Jesus Christ could cleanse me and He has and is. The Lord sanctifies me daily for I need Him each day. I have come to realize now that was a zombie, the living dead. I was dead in my sin. I was dead to God in my sins and my life was without purpose other than hedonism and self-satisfaction. I have now come to know the truth that through Christ alone is salvation. Through his redeeming blood is freedom from repression, release from oppression, and proper expression. The Lord of hosts came from on high to die in my place. He died for me, a sinner who in every way deserves His full wrath. He died for me, a sinner who was an enemy of the cross and a hater of God. More than that, He rose for me.
If you take away anything from my story, I want it to be this. All have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. Apart from God you are depraved and in yourself worthy of the judgment. In the eyes of a Holy God, our righteousness is like menstrual rags. Consider God’s grace. Do not play games with your soul. For those whom Christ blood was spilled this message shall resonate. For all of God’s other creation, there was paid no price but for you Christ paid with His life. John 9:41 Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your sin remains. Don’t deny your guilt repent from it. You have not gone too far or done too much. I am the worst of all sinners. Paul said that he was chief. I am the Fleet Admiral. If God can change a proud arrogant hateful angry unforgiving demonic idolatrous alcoholic and pull me from the grips of my own self-destruction then how much more can He do for you? Please recognize the truth of the Lord Jesus Christ for it is by His stripes that we are healed It is not by my own merit but by Christ who strengthens me. For I am nothing without Jesus and nor are you. Ezekiel 28:2 “Son of man, say to the leader of Tire, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD, “Because your heart is lifted up And you have said, ‘I am a god, I sit in the seat of gods In the heart of the seas. Yet you are a man and not God, although you make your heart like the heart of God”. Repent and believe.
I wish you all be blessed by the word of my testimony and let God rest His hand upon you. For you have never gone too far to turn back and there is freedom in Christ. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
The Written Testament of the Regeneration of Jose Garcia Martin
This is not easy for me to write. This is not easy for me to read. Telling this story is challenging both spiritually and emotionally. It paints the portrait of my former self in an honest light. That is the most difficult part. It is not easy to be transparent. What if I am ridiculed or mocked? What if I am scorned, despised, or abhorred? These fears have kept me from sharing my testimony in its fullness. Yet my testimony does not belong to me. It is the property of God our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and therefore I must. It is His grace and glory manifested in my life for the world to see His magnificence and His mercy. Who am I to hold on to my testimony? Why would I even want to? As you might imagine my past is filled with shameful, sinful secrets. It is filled with things that might cause some disgust or discontent- things that I prefer not to mention or altogether forget. However, Romans chapter 8 verse 28 tells us that God works all things to the good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. My sinfulness could not dismay God from what He has purposed to do. For the God of grace imparts the grace of God to those whose worthiness is zero (that is all of us). It pleased God to raise from the dust of the earth a man to be formed in his image. I am ancestor of that same dirty, dusty man, and by the grace of God and blood of Christ, I am being shaped and conformed into the image of Christ. Will a man rob God? Who am I to rob God of His glory and make manifest the true graciousness of God? For there might be many undelivered and unrepentant who struggle in the same areas God removed me from or better yet removed from me. There may be those among you who will look at me as less, but I fear not your judgment. For the Lord our God has taken me from perdition and into His merciful embrace. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. I will bear no shame for the sins of old. For the old man has been dead for quite sometime. As the new creature I profess Christ’s glory through my testimony.
THE SIN
“The thoughts of my heart were evil continually.”
Where do I start? I suppose like all stories, it is sufficient to start at the beginning. I was born July 15, 1985 the child of an absentee father and an unwed teenage mother. I guess it would be easy to say that I was a product of my environment, but the truth is I was no different than anyone else. I was born in sin and forged in iniquity. Every thought of my mind was wretched. I was –as all men- conceived a transgressor. Prior to my comprehension of total depravity, I was the poster child. It is upon this truth that I begin my story. For all my transgressions were branches of a corrupt root- a sinful heart.
I was raised the grandson of a Southern Baptist pastor. I grew up learning Bible stories and singing hymns. I wore a sunny Sunday smile, but the truth was not very bright. Although my mouth proclaimed Christianity, my heart did not acknowledge the things I was taught to believe. I believed the truthfulness of the narrative, but it did not affect my young heart. Despite these earlier years, I did not attempt to live the Christian life. I knew Jesus by namesake but never did I truly care to know Him. The fact of the matter is that I was about as far from Christ as innocence is to wickedness. I was a degenerate sinner apart from saving faith. With that foundation laid, I want to address a particular area of my life that became a tremendous stronghold: lust. Lust manifested early and progressed into twisted affections: sexual promiscuity, lack of sexual discernment, bisexuality, fornication, adultery, and porn addiction. I was introduced to pornography at an early age. I cannot immediately recall which age I was when I first viewed it, but I remember encountering pornographic materials and videotapes with explicit content that children (or adults for that matter) should not be witnessing. This uncovering provided the opportunity to indulge my sinful inclination and give room to a future addiction. During this time, I was coerced to participate in a sexual act with a female of the same age. Her father molested her. I believe this contributed to her sexual behavior. As time ticked on and the clock went forward, I grew in stature, and piled on the wrath of God. Upon the discovery of internet pornography, my lust-filled heart finds an avenue of release. The pitfall of masturbation drives me into the darkest of dispositions. The downward spiral of sinful indulgence produces deeper and darker skeletons in the closet. I began to explore the idea of same sex interaction. Around the age of 14, another male touched me in a sexual manner. Though the exchange was not invited, it was not unwanted.
.
“I was busy working when God offered rest.”
Fast forward. September 11, 2001 arrives. Among the debris of crumbled concrete, twisted metal, and bruised bodies laid a confused teenager. The scene was apocalyptic. I felt anxiousness, fear, unrest and awe at the carnage of two massive towers being shredded. I thought this event was a harbinger of the end of the world. I was scared and desperate. It was only natural to seek refuge in a church building. Perplexed and frightened at the awareness of my mortality, I responded to an altar call by asking Jesus into my heart (still have not found that presentation of the gospel in the scriptures). For about six months, I was really trying to WORK on myself. I was trying to become a better person and a good Christian. I was busy working when God offered rest. I realized later that I responded to my emotions and not a prompting of the Holy Spirit or a clear presentation of the gospel leading to true repentance and faith in Christ. During the time I was working to maintain my Christian confession, I was engaged in a pseudo sexual relationship with another male. I say pseudo because it was consisted of fondling, massaging, dry humping, mutual masturbation, petting, and stroking without engaging in penetrative sexual intercourse (although spiritually the sin burden is no different). This went on over the course of several years.
Fast forward. At the age of 17, I became sexually active. About a year later, I joined the Navy. In basic training, I became much more addicted to masturbating. My thoughts often consisted of some homosexual action. While in A school, I became sexually involved with a female student as well as the girlfriend I left behind in Gary. All the while, I maintained the fallacy that I was purely heterosexual. While stationed in San Diego, I became increasingly promiscuous and equally as undiscerning. I frequently participated in one-night stands with random people, and often without prophylactic. Consequently, I contracted gonorrhea at one point, but I still learned no lesson. When sex was not available to me, I turned back to pornography. Porn became like a gateway drug. It began as nude photos in magazines and websites, but evolved into live action videos. The fetishes change from girl/guy to girl/girl, and then to threesomes. After a while that is not enough to avail so I begin watching transsexual porn and then guy/guy. There had been a point I mentioned earlier where I experienced such desires towards men and been involved, but I supposed it was just out of confusion and meant nothing. Though I had often fantasized of being with other men sexually other than the relationship I mentioned earlier I never thought of actually acting on the desires. I was taught that it was sinful, and to indulge it was irredeemable. Although I had indulged it, I never thought of myself in terms as anything other than heterosexual. In my thoughts, my transgressions were primarily of the mind and the interactions I did have were not the same thing as sex. The urge to experiment and experience the fulfillment of these perversions greater develops. I turn to online avenues [chat rooms, forums, social networks, dating sites, Craigslist ads, etc] these only add fuel to a growing fire. Amid all this, I began a relationship with a bisexual female. She encouraged me to explore and to” venture” out. She opens doors for me that would lead me to destruction and ruin. I fell into a deeper pit of sin, and I began to indulge in unhealthy sexual behavior. I engaged in illicit activities with transsexuals, other men, and other women. I become engulfed in what many refer to as an alternate lifestyle, but I consider a deathstlye. At one point, my secret life became not as secret as someone I was on the ship with made an ad I posted on Craigslist public. . I was met with a sorrow, not for what I had done but for being exposed. I was perfectly okay living in my sin as long as no one was aware of it. I believe that sometimes God sheds the light on our darkness and makes our walls transparent so we can no longer hide behind them; however, I denied my sinfulness. Rather than confess my sin or even acknowledge it as sin before a holy God and repent, I tried to pick up the pieces of my broken reputation to justify myself before men. I plastered together my shattered name and people bought into it and allowed me to back into my closet. My death continued: a liar, drunkard, fornicator, idolater, adulterer, blasphemer, murderer (of the heart), homosexual offender, haughty, thief, etc. I had a degree of conviction. I knew that my actions were not aligned with the will of God. I knew that the God of the Bible was real and that in His eyes I was worthy of the judgment. Yet I was not of a heart with the capacity to repent. In my self-righteousness, I thought of myself as beyond forgiveness. I thought that I had done too much. I did not know the depths of God’s grace or the sufficiency of the cross. I was not fully aware of my wretchedness and depravity. I thought that somewhere inside of me was the capacity to be better. When I looked at myself, I thought that my sin was merely my sexual transgressions but it was more than that. The problem was not that I had committed the most heinous sin that separated me from God. The problem was that I had done nothing but sin. The thoughts of my heart were evil continually. My sexual behavior was just a branch in a tree rooted in darkness
At this point of the story, I begin dating the woman who is now my wife. We continued in the same sinful lifestyle: threesomes, swinging, etc.. She had been “raised in the church”. She at times displayed conviction but was merely a worldly sorrow that did not lead to repentance.
CONVERSION:
My behavior continues towards a road of death and destruction with no visible light at the end of the tunnel. That is the case until God intervenes. New Years weekend 2010 I flew down to southern California. While aboard flight, the plane undergoes great turbulence. Full of fear, I began to pray out for God’s protection. During the prayer, I felt a sharp conviction. I began to comprehend my sin and the righteousness of God. I felt like a murderer asking for a favor from his victim. I was in enmity with God. What right did I(do I) have to God’s compassion? What business did I have asking God for sympathy, leniency , or benevolence ? I did not understand God’s grace and mercy. On that flight, the truth of my depravity began to burden my heart. It had become clear that I had never known Jesus and had I died on that flight He would be just and righteous to send me to an everlasting hell. When I returned from that weekend trip, I came to find that the Lord in His providence began convicting my wife about the lives we were leading as well, and had drawn her to repentance. When she told me this, I did not initially know how to react. Was this God drawing us into His redeeming love? Was there salvation for one as wretched as I? What about all that stuff I did? Is it possible that even I could be forgiven? The answer became clear as we began a fast the beginning of the following week. I had decided that I would fast from some of the addictions that had taken hold of my life: porn and masturbation. On the second day of the fast, it became clear the weight these things had on me and how depraved I truly was. I cannot explain it by anything other than the Holy Spirit working in me to remove my addictions. Literally, within the blink of an eye God had reached into my heart and removed all the immoral homosexual desires, the desire for porn, drinking, fornication, cursing, etc. The Lord made a radical change in my life in a powerful way and the old man had been put away. The cross became a magnificent reality. God’s grace made sense to me. The bible gained clarity. God’s attributes became visible.
NEW LIFE:
Since my conversion, God has raised me out of the death of sin and given me new life. He has created in me a renewed mind and a new heart with new desires. The Lord in His redemptive power drew me(and draws me) unto repentance. I do not have the strength nor will to change only the blood of Jesus Christ could cleanse me and He has and is. The Lord sanctifies me daily for I need Him each day. I have come to realize now that was a zombie, the living dead. I was dead in my sin. I was dead to God in my sins and my life was without purpose other than hedonism and self-satisfaction. I have now come to know the truth that through Christ alone is salvation. Through his redeeming blood is freedom from repression, release from oppression, and proper expression. The Lord of hosts came from on high to die in my place. He died for me, a sinner who in every way deserves His full wrath. He died for me, a sinner who was an enemy of the cross and a hater of God. More than that, He rose for me.
If you take away anything from my story, I want it to be this. All have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. Apart from God you are depraved and in yourself worthy of the judgment. In the eyes of a Holy God, our righteousness is like menstrual rags. Consider God’s grace. Do not play games with your soul. For those whom Christ blood was spilled this message shall resonate. For all of God’s other creation, there was paid no price but for you Christ paid with His life. John 9:41 Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your sin remains. Don’t deny your guilt repent from it. You have not gone too far or done too much. I am the worst of all sinners. Paul said that he was chief. I am the Fleet Admiral. If God can change a proud arrogant hateful angry unforgiving demonic idolatrous alcoholic and pull me from the grips of my own self-destruction then how much more can He do for you? Please recognize the truth of the Lord Jesus Christ for it is by His stripes that we are healed It is not by my own merit but by Christ who strengthens me. For I am nothing without Jesus and nor are you. Ezekiel 28:2 “Son of man, say to the leader of Tire, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD, “Because your heart is lifted up And you have said, ‘I am a god, I sit in the seat of gods In the heart of the seas. Yet you are a man and not God, although you make your heart like the heart of God”. Repent and believe.
I wish you all be blessed by the word of my testimony and let God rest His hand upon you. For you have never gone too far to turn back and there is freedom in Christ. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
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god is amazing and god bless you