So very sad

[Kelly04]

Greetings I am new to this site. I found it by chance and so hope that I will find the strength and words of support I so desperately am seeking. I cannot go into everything I have been through,,,but it has been a lot of very very heavy things and my thin shoulders are caving in. At this time all I pray for and feel I need is love and care from my husband. He can be a very angry and abusive man,,,and this has been I feel the absolute biggest and major reason why I am where I am today. I pray to God for strength,,,for patience,,,for him to change,,,but my prayers seem to sit in the clouds. Sometimes we have 'good' days ,,, and I hold my breath and edit what I say to him in hopes that the 'good' day will continue into the next. This doesn't happen though,,,he explodes like a bomb that you didn't know was placed beside you and it destroys me everytime. I am constantly debating whether to leave this man,,,but I married him before God in the hopes we would stay together forever. There is only so much though a person can take,,,I feel like I'm living in a dream,,,a false marriage to the eyes of others. I don't know what the word 'happy' means or feels like as I haven't experienced it in many years. I apologize for the length of my post. I don't really know what I am asking for,,,maybe a prayer ? Thank you for your time if you read all of this.

 

[Elisa]

Hi and welcome! I really don't know if this the right thing to say but from some personal experience I know abusive people prey on the abused person's weakness. Did you try building up some walls for yourself, mentally and emotionally, to protect yourself and don't feel so exposed to his maybe unexpected outbursts? I mean when you expect something bad to happen you can be better prepared to handle it. I don't know if this applies, but I'm sure others will have other encouraging words for you. May God give you the strength to love, because Jesus commanded us to love our enemies. God bless!

 

[surrenderedheart]

Kelly, my heart goes out to you. I have been in abusive relationships and noone deserves to be treated like a punching bag physically or emotionally. God knows your heart and he understands the tears and the hurt. I would leave him and I would not give it a second thought. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Someone that truly loves and cherishes you won't abuse you. May God bless you and direct your path.

 

[cctmedic]

I am a paramedic and have been for many many years. let me say If I got to a residence where a domestic assault has occured, and the lady stays, I can tells you we will continue to go back time and time again until the lady finally get the courage to leave or worse. I won't elaborate. Please for your safety, walk away while you can still walk.

God Bless you.

 

[BarlyGurl]

LEAVE HIM... Christ Did not suffer and die for your salvation for you to be enslaved to a man who beats you.

 

[TheGrungeDiva]

Kelly, please leave him.

You can worry about what to do about your marriage vows later. It is possible you will stay legally married to him, but you must leave him. Jesus would never want anyone -- male or female -- to stay in a relationship like that.

There are a few cases I know of where, after a time apart, the abuser gets help and is able to repair the damage that has been done. It is possible your husband can learn to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He is supposed to love you and be willing to die for you, just as Christ gave up his life for us. If he learns how to become a Christian husband, then we shall all rejoice that you can become reunited. If he doesn't, then I honestly believe there was no godly marriage there to begin with, and you are under no obligation to stay.

But before that can happen, you need to leave. I will pray for you.

 

[Ugly]

Get out of that situation now. Leave him behind and never look back. Abusers have a VERY low rate of ever changing and coming out of that abuse pattern. Forget the idea that 'good days' will last. They will never last. He is not likely to ever own to his abuse. Abusers don't change because they blame others for their behavior.
Best case scenario, you live the rest of your life abused. Worst case scenario, he kills you one day.

 

[Kefa52]

I Peter 3:7, teaches that the husband is to honor his wife. She gave up her name to take yours. Honor means that you should show her respect and this involves courtesy, consideration and emotional support. Be sure that as her husband that you do not hold her up to ridicule in public by the cutting remarks that you make. She wears YOUR name and is to viewed as part of your body. She is not perfect and you are aware of this. Do not expect perfection, but as Ephesians 4:32 teaches, "forbear one another". This means to be gentle toward her. Control of temper, abstaining from physical violence and restraining a sharp tongue that makes one feel so inferior - are ways by which you can exhibit forbearance.

I will pray that God gives you the strength to get away from the abuse to a safe place.

I am not saying just dump him and run. I suggest you get away from the abuse and evil that is involved. Then seek Godly council and help from other abused women.

There is no quick fix here. Start by getting away from the abuse.

 

[Elisa]

If you both are Christians, did you talk to someone in church to address this situation with him?

 

[wickedflee]

Maybe God's response to your prayers isn't that he'll change your husband but that you should leave your husband. You can't change someone like that and you deserve someone caring who you don't have to tip toe around otherwise they get mad. Forgive him for his behaviour but don't forget it. "so a dog returns to it's vomit as a fool returns to its folly". Please do what's best for you and your health. Don't stay in such a scary situation.

 

[Kelly04]

My goodness thank you all for taking time to write to me. Your caring words and the fact you care at all is wonderful. I KNOW I should leave him,,,I've KNOWN this in my heart for many years. I do not make as much money as he does and I stand to lose a lot of the things I worked so hard to get. I know this sounds terrible but they are not big things,,just things I've longed for all my life,,,my own house,,,trailer/boat,,,we would have to sell them but he'd be able to buy himself new ones,,,not me.
He has been away,,a year,,he beat me and knocked me unconscious less than a year ago,,,was in jail for 4 days and then told to stay away. He went through all the anger programs and at the beginning I truly thought he had changed and the physical hurt I went through was worth it. Sadly the husband I truly know is surfacing more and more. I don't believe he would physically injure me again as the repercussions are huge for him if he does. The emotional damage he does though is really far worse in its own way and can be carried out whenever and wherever he chooses. I know I don't deserve to live like this,,,I have 2 children and the guilt I carry is enormous ! Again I apologize to you,,I am always apologizing *sigh* ,,, just being able to write this and get it out of me helps some. Something sits and waits for me in the future,,,I just pray to our Lord that it will a 'good' something ,,, things can't really get much worse. Blessings to you all.

 

[TheGrungeDiva]

You don't need to apologize to us. I know everyone will continue to pray for you, and for him. Sounds like he needs those prayers even worse.

 

[piper27]

Sweet Kelly04,
I fully understand the situation you are in, and the confusion being a married christian this can bring. I know first hand that the Lord does not want you to stay where you are abused emotionally or physically -- however, this is a very lengthy realization for you to come to. (or it can be) I also understand how many countless hours you've been on your knees praying and hoping things will change. The thing is, we all have free will. Even him.
He doesn't have to change if you keep allowing him to abuse you. (harsh, I'm sorry)
I work for a crisis centre here in Canada - your community should have resources for you to seek counselling and safety. Whatever you might need and on an on going basis. It is a very, very difficult and brave move to leave, and often much easier said then done.
You say that he hasn't hurt you physically because he knows the reprocussions; how is the quality of your life now?
Living in fear and hypervigilance is not life. Nor is it life for your kids.
Somewhere along the way, I think you've adopted the message that you are not worthy. (probably due to the emotional abuse)

Trust me, you freedom and sense of peace will be worth the cost of the boat etc.
Also, as you know, he is financially responsible for you and the kids regardless if you live in the same dwelling place.
No matter what he may say about these things, we have laws to protect us.
You are Gods precious child just as much as he is. God is not asking you to stay where his little girl is being hurt.
He will work things out with your husband, it will be your husbands choice to respond or not. You cannot be responsible for this.
I will pray for you, this is a very scary road to be on.
Jesus not only has your back, he's leading your steps. Just rest in him, and be loved.
Bless you sister, you are amazing!

 

[piper27]

ps: YOU ARE WORTHY!! You are a precious child of God, so dearly loved and delighted in!! Your joy is worth everything!
Remember Gods word says, ' I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper!!!"
God has good plans for you! Seek him for direction -- seek us for prayer support.
Bless you !

 

[BADDOG]

Hi Kelly GBU

i have read your posts and to be honest with you ,,,,its time to move on with your kids ,,, some people can change and they grow out of all this abuse that they have been giving out,,,, how ever ,,,others just learn to give all the right answers to people so nothing changes on the inside ,,,, that why your still getting abused verbly ,,,,here is the issues as i understand them ,,,,(( please forgive me if i get this all wrong )) you have great kids and they will be learning how to say the words there dad says ,,,and no one wants that ,,,,if he can yell and scream he will get what he wants ,,,,so why cant i do that to ??? for me its a no win issue for your kids

yes it will hurt like hell to leave him and or get a divorce ,,,, but just from me to you ,,,if i may ,,,,Divorce is not the unforgiveable sin !!!
and there is life after divorce thats a new life for you and your kids !!!
its with this in mind i will add you to a prayer list i belong to in England ,,,
you will have 5 churchs here in England praying for you and all the issues stated here ,,,,,if you wish to chat to me i'm to be found in the bible study room most days GBU

BADDOG

 

[Kelly04]

Thank you all once again from my heart for your sweet words to me. I truly am reading them all and considering all that you suggest. I have lived with physical and verbal/mental abuse for so many years it just sadly becomes a part of what one deals with. You can sometimes hide the bruises but you forever carry the cruelty. I am seeing someone professionally but think what piper27 suggested about seeing someone directly associated with living with abuse would be a good start. It was suggested to me by the Police but at the time I was too messed up to do that. Just reading what you write to me directs some strength into me which is what I need.
God must have guided me to this site,,,maybe it is His way of starting to show me the right path to take. Again,,,Thank You

 

[Lucy68]

Wow, Kelly, I'm so sorry about what you're dealing with. You probably already know this but I'd like to emphasize it again....you ARE worthy of love and respect. God doesn't expect us to be anybody's punching bag...not even husbands.

Good for you for seeking outside help! I think sometimes it's hard for us to see what really is going on when we're in an ongoing crisis. Also, going on 'retreat' (just putting ourselves in a quiet, stress-free place) will help us get a healthy perspective on things. This 'retreat' time is a great opportunity to reconnect with the Lord and listen for His guidance.

I suggest separation while going through counseling together. If he refuses to go to counseling I think that says a lot right there. Changing just on the outside will not affect your daily lives together.

Do you attend church? Having a spiritual support system can really help .

Praying that the Lord leads you in this difficult situation and that your husband's heart and soul will be transformed by the Holy Spirit.

 

[cassiemorris]

Hi i don't know what to say but i know that God wants you to be happy he doesn't want you to live your life in hurt he loves you. You said that you came here by chance of did God bring you here

 

[violakat]

Kelly, let me ask you this, if there was another woman confiding in you about her situation, and it was similar to your's, what would you want her to do, and why? Maybe the strength you need to leave is knowing why it's important to leave.

I also agree with something that Grungediva said earlier. You can worry about divorcing him or trying to repair your marriage at a later time. Right now, it's more important for you to leave a volatile situation.

 

[Jilly81]

Welcome, Kelly. I've prayed that God will help you to make the right decision; nobody deserves to be mistreated like you've been. Please ask Jesus to give you the full power of the Holy Spirit; many people have said that it made it a LOT easier to know which decisions were the correct ones to make, and then it was easier to actually make the decision. Also, you generally get a lot more peace . You got some really good advice from some of these folks in this thread, BTW.