I don't know what to say, I really don't.
I am so sorry this happened. It makes me physically sick to know that you married your rapist. I really... I can't wrap my head around it. The fact that your dad would coerce you into doing such a thing is truly sickening. Truly. I'm trembling.
I was abused by my father, to an extent I understand that pain. I understand that feeling of being trapped, trapped in your house, trapped in your situation, even trapped in your own body. And lost, because it doesn't feel like there will ever be a way out. It doesn't feel like things will ever get better. And there's constantly fear when he walks in the room, like maybe I did something wrong. Maybe he's going to get angry. Maybe today's the day he's going to kill me.
Our stories are very different, too. I got out. I had support from my mother and sisters and therapist, and I got out. I can tell you one thing: it was not easy. It was not easy at all, and nobody is going to lie and say that it is. But I can promise one thing: you will not be happy until you make a change. It's not going to happen, a solution is not going to fall on your lap. You have to do something if you want the situation to change. I don't know what that entails for you, because I only know you from these few posts. Support makes a huge difference though.
Maybe talk to your pastor in private. Find a therapist. Seek out a woman's shelter like someone above mentioned. I have experience with them. They won't force you to do anything, they won't call your husband or the police or your family. It will be completely confidential, and they can offer advice and help. If you can't leave because of finances, they can help. They can give you a place to stay. They can protect you.
If you're unhappy, which it sounds like you understandably are, make a change. The thing is, as soon as I got out I became so much happier. The problems don't go away, it took a lot of psychological counseling and work on my part, but I can tell you with all honesty that I am a happy person. Had I stayed in the situation I honestly don't know if I'd be alive today. I got out. I got support. I got help. I know that you can too. I don't know you, but know that every single person is capable of changing their life, and every single person deserves to be happy. You do too.
I am so sorry that you were dealt these cards in life. It's not fair. But you know what, if you make the decision then soon those days are going to be behind you. All the power is in your hands. You husband and father probably made you feel powerless, and I understand why you feel hopeless. There were many times I did, too. I promise you can be happy. That's something that I promise. The thing is you need to make it happen.
I hope you sign on so you can see this. Please PM me. Please get in touch with me. I want to help you, I really do, in any way I can. I can help you get in contact with a woman's shelter.
I know you can get through this.
