Premarital Sex

[SammyLeigh]

Hello everyone,
I am posting here because I don't know where else to turn. I am a bit confused about whether premarital sex is okay or not depending on if you truly love and are bonded to that person. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I am 22 and he is 21 and we are planning to get married in a year or two but haven't done so yet because of finances. We both feel that we are ready to be sexually active with each other but I am having issues with the moral of it all. I am afraid of being judged by my family and god if we do have sex before marriage. I just don't understand why it is considered wrong if you know that you will be with this person for eternity but just aren't married quite yet. We have already broken one rule and we are living together but we don't engage in sexual activity at the current moment. I just feel that we are both ready to take the next step in our relationship and share in a special bond that you can only achieve with physical love since we are so devoted to each other. Help!!! I'm so confused. And if it helps at all, I am not a hardcore Christian, I was born into Christianity and I follow it almost fully; I believe in God and Jesus Christ and believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell but I do not agree with some of the interpretations of the bible. If I could get some opinions or facts from others, I would really appreciate it! Thanks so much

 

[Ritter]

The fact you already feel a degree of shame before God and your family is reason enough not to.

It's wrong no matter how you rationalize it. That said, I am not without sympathy.

We are in an age that prolongs adulthood to a ridiculous extent. I would be grappling with similar questions if I were in a relationship that long out of a raw conflict between personal desire and the reality and law holding me back.

My advice is that you buck the trend and get married. Tis better to marry and to burn. I'm really unfamiliar with the costs involved with marriage but you can do weddings pretty cheap. If the state makes it cost-prohibitive, then I suggest doing it off the grid with family present and a minister to facilitate the proceedings.

I know many people on here will suggest other avenues. But let's face it, you're already cohabiting. Either separate or seal the deal.

 

[lost1972]

If you really want to marry this person then you can do it very cheaply, find a willing pastor and get married, you can have a big wedding later, the wedding is for you and your spouse, everyone else is an extra

 

[SammyLeigh]

I guess I am in a catch 22 because I don't believe in having a 'courthouse wedding' and then having a traditional wedding, a marriage should only be performed once in my eyes and I do not want to get married until I can afford a traditional wedding where all of our families and friends can attend.

 

[lost1972]

Lots of poor people have an informal wedding performed by a preacher then a formal wedding later, you are marrying the same person after all

 

[SammyLeigh]

But if you get married in the courthouse, the traditional wedding that you have later does not have the same meaning as it would if it were your first time being married to your spouse

 

[lost1972]

Who said anything about a courthouse? We have even had people married during the church service, the marriage is between you and God and your spouse,that's all that matters, everything else is trappings

 

[Ugly]

You're just trying to find a loophole around what you know the right answer really is. You want to think long as we PLAN on getting married, why can't we have sex? Well, because you AREN'T married. Doesn't matter your intentions.

Also, lets say we go by your thinking, and you have sex before marriage, then lets say for some reason you never do get married. Now what? You've now had sex with someone you don't even end up marrying.

And the 'big deal' is God created sex for marriage. Period. It is meant to keep people in marriage close and a special bond for married couples. It doesn't say engaged couples, or people who intend to get married one day. Actually Paul says if you can't control your sexual urges, get married so you can have sex. Married, not engaged.

 

[gene77]

I guess I am in a catch 22 because I don't believe in having a 'courthouse wedding' and then having a traditional wedding, a marriage should only be performed once in my eyes and I do not want to get married until I can afford a traditional wedding where all of our families and friends can attend.

My parents are going to be married for 25 years this October. And, guess what? They're planning a big, fat wedding ceremony. Again. They want to celebrate their 25 years together with a ceremony where they exchange their vows to each other again, thereby reminding each other of their vows to each other. And, of course we'll all party big time at the reception after that. Now, I know you may say that once that vow is made, it's meant to be kept. However, it is a nice gesture to repeat them.

Another family story: My Canadian cousin wanted her American boyfriend to move in, so as to save costs, and he needed a place to stay in Canada. My aunt was against the idea, because living in together does ultimately result in premarital sex or forms of it. So, my cousin's boyfriend proposed to her that day, and they got married three days later in their house, wearing t-shirt and jeans, by one of the pastors/reverends in my family (there are many =P ). However, when they could afford it, they had a big wedding over in the States. More like a wedding reception. And I'm sure most of us do want nice receptions. So, think about it. Also, more than finances, I wouldn't suggest a marriage unless you both are emotionally and mentally ready. Though living-in together sort of already seems like you guys are married, doesn't it? So, why not just seal the deal officially?

 

[lost1972]

Don't confuse the wedding and the marriage, the wedding is simply the ceromony, building the marriage is more important, lots of people have simple ceromonies with just a few people, money is not an excuse to not have the wedding, fancy expensive weddings are a recent creation,

 

[Aqua_Girl09]

If you feel like you want to wait to get married and not have a "court house" wedding cause you want it to be "special" then why don't you feel the same about the first time you sleep with your one day husband? its supposed to be special too. the day you get married to consimate your wedding. the bible clearly says that sex outside of marriage is wrong. So there are no loop holes. its not ok unless your married. the bible also says its better to get married then to burn with lust. I have friends now who got married a few months ago and they're having the wedding in about a year.

Its wrong. and living together is only looked down on cause EVERYONE knows how HARD it is not to have sex when you're so close to each other. So of course they're all assuming that you guys are falling short of the path. But good luck. I'd suggest getting a court wedding for now just to ease things and have a bigger one later. ^_^

 

[SammyLeigh]

Okay, my question then to you all is: What is marriage as defined by God and the bible? Obviously in biblical times they didn't have what we consider now as marriage, you didn't have to make vows or exchange rings or sign papers. As long as you knew you were husband and wife, you were considered married, correct?

 

[gene77]

SammyLeigh, in biblical times, they did make vows. In front of God and witnesses. And, THAT is what is important. And, THAT is what "signs the deal." Every era, every culture has a different ceremony. There are Christians, who don't wear jewellery at all, so they don't exchange rings. Instead, they exchange bibles. And, I'm sure wedding ceremonies will evolve as the centuries go by. Honestly, what do you feel is right? You wouldn't even feel a bit of remorse about premarital sex, if you felt it was entirely right. That's why we have a conscience. Whatever people tell you, or suggest, etc, do what you FEEL and KNOW is right. If you're a true believer of Christ, you will follow His ways. That's all there is to it. The question here is not about whether you should be married now or 10 years down the line or never. It is whether you want to indulge in sex outside of marriage or not. So, the decision is yours to make, darling. God gave us a choice after all.

 

[Seth]

But if you get married in the courthouse, the traditional wedding that you have later does not have the same meaning as it would if it were your first time being married to your spouse

What IS marriage in the most basic form? As far as I know, it's a commitment to a higher power that forms a morally binding covenant. It's a promise to grant exclusive rights to ones' sexual privileges to consummate the marriage. Weddings are but a conduit, a medium by which marriages are formed. The crucial elements of a marriage in order of most to least important:

A higher authority, (God.)
a spokesman for that higher authority, (Pastor)
those getting married, (Husband and wife.)
the one giving the brides' hand in marriage, (Father of the bride.)
the witnesses (bridesmaids and groomsmen)
and the audience. Also witnesses, but they aren't crucial to the ceremony.

The higher authority is the one who holds the husband and wife accountable to one another,
Spokesman preforms the rites so that the two can be bound together,
Husband and Wife are there to accept the terms and conditions,
And the witnesses are there to just recognize it on a human level. Whether there's more, less, or none at all does not affect the rest of the wedding. They are superfluous.

So WHY are the witnesses even there to begin with? Two reasons. One, to recognize the marriage so that they can respect it from there onward. Two, to provide a social element for the mob-mentality susceptible bride and groom who would have otherwise wavered in their commitments without that shame-buffer there. Three, to cost you a boatload of money and eat your sandwiches in the reception.


Since there is no RIGHT way to do it, but rather, a more acceptable way amongst your PEERS to do it. You have to ask yourself... For why are you getting married? What is REALLY important to you? Do you care to put on a show to entertain your friends and family? Are you trying to fullfill a life-long dream of yours to have a romantic and perfect wedding? I hope not. That'd be just... blegh. ButIfThat'sHowYouWannaRoll-, thenIdunno.

Do you wish to fulfill God's edicts to marry another before consummating? Do you wish to show your would-be husband that he is the only one for you, and that you're willing to take the next step into a permanent commitment? Is marriage just an obstacle that keeps you from enjoying your fiancee's company without restraint?

You must decide what's more important to you. Entertaining vapid societal norms, or committing out of love. A smaller wedding that comes forth from the genuinity of your heart is worth twenty idealistic ones.



My opinion personally, I hate society. I hate what it's done to the purity of marriage. It should be a commitment between two people in front of God, not a ritualistic ceremony in which those marrying are forced to pay thousands to entertain their guests, who oftentimes don't want to be there in the first place. I think, society should butt out of two-way relationships. It does more harm to them, than good.

Same can be said about the government recognizing marriage legally. It's become a profitable business. Women marry men for financial gain, men for sexual favors, after a few years and kids later divorce becomes a viable source of consistent income for the mother of the man's children. Under risk of imprisonment. it's just-, URGH. I'm getting off on a tirade.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, if your significant other and God truly matter to you... entertaining societal norms for marriages shouldn't even be an issue. I would suggest a quiet wedding off to yourselves with some close friends, followed by a casual night out for a reception. It will save you money. And, it has far more meaning all things considering than some big fancy-schmancy Hollywood-esque entourage of vapid ceremonial nonsense. But, that's just my opinion.

In the end, marriage only matters if it matters to you. And, that's why weddings exist in the first place.

 

[gene77]

What IS marriage in the most basic form? (etc etc)

Seth, oh wow, I genuinely thought that you were around 47, and not just 17! It's good to know that there are sensible, intelligent teens lurking around. =D I can't imagine by soon-to-be-17 year old brother writing something like this though. Maybe, I still perceive him as my "baby" brother.

 

[Seth]

Seth, oh wow, I genuinely thought that you were around 47, and not just 17! It's good to know that there are sensible, intelligent teens lurking around. =D I can't imagine by soon-to-be-17 year old brother writing something like this though. Maybe, I still perceive him as my "baby" brother.

Thank you, dear. You're too much.

 

[BarlyGurl]

Hello everyone,
I am posting here because I don't know where else to turn. I am a bit confused about whether premarital sex is okay or not depending on if you truly love and are bonded to that person. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I am 22 and he is 21 and we are planning to get married in a year or two but haven't done so yet because of finances. We both feel that we are ready to be sexually active with each other but I am having issues with the moral of it all.

There is no such thing as PRE-MARITAL sex... it is called FORNICATION. If you both are seriously intending to marry... then marry.... whatever your excuses are for not marrying now... are not going to make having sex anyway.... any less than fornicating according to God. The only "person" you can hope to be with for eternity is GOD... so you better be focusing on that relationship FIRST.

 

[Seth]

Hello everyone,
I am posting here because I don't know where else to turn. I am a bit confused about whether premarital sex is okay or not depending on if you truly love and are bonded to that person. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, I am 22 and he is 21 and we are planning to get married in a year or two but haven't done so yet because of finances. We both feel that we are ready to be sexually active with each other but I am having issues with the moral of it all.

There is no such thing as PRE-MARITAL sex... it is called FORNICATION. If you both are seriously intending to marry... then marry.... whatever your excuses are for not marrying now... are not going to make having sex anyway.... any less than fornicating according to God. The only "person" you can hope to be with for eternity is GOD... so you better be focusing on that relationship FIRST.

Very charismatic. And though, there's nothing inherently wrong with your post, it could have been posed with more tact. The definition of tact is: "a keen[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense". [/FONT]
Tact - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It's wise to respect someone's walk with God, and personal opinions regardless of whether or not they're right or wrong. Especially with the the way the Original Poster posed her question. It was an honest inquiry searching for resonation among her peers. Outright scorning her for considering doing something she hasn't even done yet is a sure-fire way to chase her off.

In short, stay the Molotovs. We don't want to turn this orderly discussion into an outright flame war.[/FONT]

 

[Seth]

The only "person" you can hope to be with for eternity is GOD... so you better be focusing on that relationship FIRST.

I would like to address this separately.

I've been thinking this over a lot lately. Alot of Christians put God in such a place where God is competing with their spouse. An awkward third party that just forces obligations that choke out love. And, by love, I mean the feeling of being in love. Not the act. The act of loving without the feeling of loving someone has proven to be arduous, after all. But I'm getting off on a tangent again.

I'm currently focusing my mind on trying to figure out what role God should play in a relationship. Something doesn't quite add up about what the mainstream believes. Need to understand it from the inside out, instead of using it as an overwrite command for what I personally believe. Resonating with God - to me - is as important as obeying. And, one cannot resonate with what he doesn't understand.

You seem to be a fervent defender of the status quo. I would appreciate it if you could give your input on this subject. Or, anyone else for that matter.

 

[lost1972]

I would like to address this separately.

I've been thinking this over a lot lately. Alot of Christians put God in such a place where God is competing with their spouse. An awkward third party that just forces obligations that choke out love. And, by love, I mean the feeling of being in love. Not the act. The act of loving without the feeling of loving someone has proven to be arduous, after all. But I'm getting off on a tangent again.

I'm currently focusing my mind on trying to figure out what role God should play in a relationship. Something doesn't quite add up about what the mainstream believes. Need to understand it from the inside out, instead of using it as an overwrite command for what I personally believe. Resonating with God - to me - is as important as obeying. And, one cannot resonate with what he doesn't understand.

You seem to be a fervent defender of the status quo. I would appreciate it if you could give your input on this subject. Or, anyone else for that matter.

God isn't competing in the relationship,God has to be first, for both of you, make God your priority and your marriage will be blessed