How to deal with disobedience in an immediate situation

[jennlynd]

I know my title is confusing. A good example of the problem I'm having with my 8 yr old, is not obeying my instructions when getting ready & leaving for school in the morning. I know about taking privileges away, but at that time of the morning she could care less! In fact she could care less what I say period. I can tell her to go to her room and she says no. No matter what I say she disobeys me. I am absolutely powerless and she knows it. I try to stay calm and use a quiet tone and nothing is accomplished. I try to raise my voice some to show the seriousness of the situation and nothing. I tell her she is going to lose privileges and nothing. By then I admit I completely lose my temper and lose control of the entire situation.

My husband can handle things differently sometimes through just brute strength. If she won't go to her room when she's told, he'll pick her up & put her in her room! I can't do that. I'm at such a loss. My husband called this morning to speak with dgtr before we left for school and I was in tears, all I could say was, I can't get her up, she won't get up for me. I feel so powerless and like such a failure. I'm quite aware that this is a failure of my parenting skills. But at 7 am, I need an immediate way to deal with the situation. HOW do I get her to follow my instructions????

This is becoming quite a problem in my marriage also. My husband gets angry because I'm such a failure,because I can't handle things on my own. Sadly sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without me in the family and let him find someone who can be a better parent.
I'm sorry I know I'm venting & ranting. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest.

 

[BarlyGurl]

YOu are not a failure... everyone has failings...we are not the sum total of them.
THe problem has been growing for so long now that there is no quick fix. Part of the problem is your husband, who has not firmly established the rule in his house is Dad, Mom over child.
In truth, I would open up a can of wrath on this little rebel that would have her taking notice... but I can tell that isn't your way.
I would recommend you look into the "total Transformation" to build skill in handling your child. You must do something pretty quickly because she isn't going to get any sweeter the older she gets.

 

[JGPS]

I know my title is confusing. A good example of the problem I'm having with my 8 yr old, is not obeying my instructions when getting ready & leaving for school in the morning. I know about taking privileges away, but at that time of the morning she could care less! In fact she could care less what I say period. I can tell her to go to her room and she says no. No matter what I say she disobeys me. I am absolutely powerless and she knows it. I try to stay calm and use a quiet tone and nothing is accomplished. I try to raise my voice some to show the seriousness of the situation and nothing. I tell her she is going to lose privileges and nothing. By then I admit I completely lose my temper and lose control of the entire situation.

My husband can handle things differently sometimes through just brute strength. If she won't go to her room when she's told, he'll pick her up & put her in her room! I can't do that. I'm at such a loss. My husband called this morning to speak with dgtr before we left for school and I was in tears, all I could say was, I can't get her up, she won't get up for me. I feel so powerless and like such a failure. I'm quite aware that this is a failure of my parenting skills. But at 7 am, I need an immediate way to deal with the situation. HOW do I get her to follow my instructions????

This is becoming quite a problem in my marriage also. My husband gets angry because I'm such a failure,because I can't handle things on my own. Sadly sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without me in the family and let him find someone who can be a better parent.
I'm sorry I know I'm venting & ranting. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest.

My wife has those problems with our three year old sometimes. He's a very big kid (bigger than his older brother) and laughs off a great deal of punishment. I devised a few ways for her to get to him but it took some trial and error and she still has issues with him.

It drives her to tears sometimes that she can't get him to obey like the other kids do. It's no failure of her skills to have such a strong son, but she feels like it is on occasions when she has to wait for me to get home to deal with him properly.

I don't know your kids, so I can't tell you the best way to get them to listen. I can understand why your husband is frustrated, but he is in charge and needs to be the one to find the tools you need to do your job. If he can only control them by force (it happens sometimes, even with good kids) then he can't expect you to control them in the same situation. He's doing something you physically can't. Perhaps you can let him know that you need his help making a plan to deal with stuff like that?

 

[tenderhearted]

Have you tried talking to her about what is going on? You are not a failure. I have been there. I find that when I talk to my daughter she is pretty forth coming. It seems like your daughter is challenging you for a reason. The first thing you should do is pray for revelation about what is going on in your daughter's heart. There could be a reason she doesn't want to wake up for school. She may be bullied at school. She could be struggling in school. Struggling with a teacher. She may feel rejected by friends. She may not feel like she is getting enough of your time. Bad attention from you is better than no attention. I am not saying this is the case, but you should really try looking into it. Take her out on a date and enjoy her. She may feel comfortable opening up then. Keep in mind that she won't change overnight. Also, stop threaten to take away privileges if she doesn't wake up. Instead give her incentives. Reward her for good behavior. Remember the fact that you are seeking advice shows you care. Don't receive those lies from the enemy. God put you in this family because you belong there. You matter. You make a difference.

 

[Lucy68]

Sounds like you have a little tyrant on your hands. Don't feel like a failure...most parents come up against a strong-willed child at some point! Dr. James Dobson's book "Dare to Discipline" was a big help for me. I had a strong-willed daughter too.

A household should be pleasant for everyone in the family and it should not be allowed that one member of the family makes everyone else miserable. Talk to your husband and figure out how to support each other to get your daughter under control. Never undermine each others authority in front of the child. Or she'll go for the 'divide and conquer' strategy. Only discuss in private if you disagree about something regarding her behavior and how to deal with it.

Try not to get discouraged. The 'testing' is inevitable.

 

[hattiebod]

I know my title is confusing. A good example of the problem I'm having with my 8 yr old, is not obeying my instructions when getting ready & leaving for school in the morning. I know about taking privileges away, but at that time of the morning she could care less! In fact she could care less what I say period. I can tell her to go to her room and she says no. No matter what I say she disobeys me. I am absolutely powerless and she knows it. I try to stay calm and use a quiet tone and nothing is accomplished. I try to raise my voice some to show the seriousness of the situation and nothing. I tell her she is going to lose privileges and nothing. By then I admit I completely lose my temper and lose control of the entire situation.

My husband can handle things differently sometimes through just brute strength. If she won't go to her room when she's told, he'll pick her up & put her in her room! I can't do that. I'm at such a loss. My husband called this morning to speak with dgtr before we left for school and I was in tears, all I could say was, I can't get her up, she won't get up for me. I feel so powerless and like such a failure. I'm quite aware that this is a failure of my parenting skills. But at 7 am, I need an immediate way to deal with the situation. HOW do I get her to follow my instructions????

This is becoming quite a problem in my marriage also. My husband gets angry because I'm such a failure,because I can't handle things on my own. Sadly sometimes I wonder if they wouldn't be better off without me in the family and let him find someone who can be a better parent.
I'm sorry I know I'm venting & ranting. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest.

Hi Jennylynd, What a trial you are going through, its exhausting? frustrating and really spoiling the atmosphere in your home by the sound of it and beginning to take a toll on all your relationships. Your daughter is 8, its not so old so you are way bigger & cleverer!! What does your daughter like to do? hobbies? what does she do when she gets home from school and home works done, play with friends...toys...TV maybe? think of the things she likes to do. Talk to your husband, get him on board, you need to be united!! Then, talk to your daughter, keep it short, 8 year olds do not concentrate too long, especially when the subjects not much fun! Explain that you love her but you do not like her behaviour SO 'this is the way its going to be.' Think of 3 things you would like to change in the home. 1. Getting school bag ready the night before 2. Setting out clothes for the day & 3. Getting up in the morning when told its time. Keep to max. 3. The 3 that will help organise and calm the start to the day. When they are being done without question, you can start on some more Then, explain to your daughter that you will call her 30 mins before she needs to get up, then 2nd call at 15 mins, then last call. Leave plenty of time so there is no room for chaos and rushing. She does not get up? leave her to miss bus, miss her ride, stay in bed. You can call the school and explain what has happened. You then make sure her day is NO fun. No TV, no playing with friends. If she does make it up, respectfully, there can be a reward. But keep it small. Make sure you really validate her 'good choice' behaviour. 5 days up for school = a treat. Get the school on board with the program so they will support you. Do not 'enable' her to leave the responsibility for getting up to you, which is happening right now. Ask yourself....when she does not get up, are there any repercussions for her? does she get punished ? if there are none, why would she change? Give her every opportunity to make the correct, wise choice. If she does not? she reaps the consequences. Getting children to 'behave' is all about boundaries and consequences. It takes about 3 months to change a behaviour (usually quicker in such an example as yours but you and your husband need to really follow through. There may be no TV in the house for a while!! You are NOT a failure, you are just being outsmarted right now! the main thing is, never raise your voice, stay calm. Tell it as it is and do not be flexible.
Maybe your daughter will never be someone who can spring out of bed in the morning, my son can, my daughter could not...so, you want to get this sorted now. You may be able to manhandle her now (but it is not a good idea at all) but its not the best method and certainly won't be working when she is 15!!
So, talk to her after school, sit her down and calmly inform her the way its going to be. Explain the consequences. If she is disobedient it is then HER choice and she then has to deal with the repercussions of her behaviour.
I hope this is helpful...I know its not easy, but then parenting fairly & well rarely is, but you can do it!! God Bless you and your precious family. <><

 

[Ugly]

It may seem like a silly answer, but i suggest watching Supernanny. She goes through this exact thing in nearly every episode. And she teaches the parents to put an end to it.

 

[Ariel82]

First you not an awful mom, you are having a bad day and I sometimes need to vent too. truthfully I feel like I've done most things wrong today and somewhat of a failure myself.

Ironically I'll give you some of the strageties that other moms gave me and what have helped me with my kids. Maybe they will help.

1. find out why she doesn't want to go to school: is she being bullied? Does she not understand the school work? does she need glasses? How is her health and hearing? does she like at school once she gets there? are you able to volunteer at her class so that you can see?

2. have you tried positive reinforcement? instead of punishing her for bad behavior, praise her when she does something good or give her a reward (some people call it a bribe) for getting ready on time. for example my kids LOVE going to the doughnut shop in the morning and will get ready super fast if I say that we can go if they are ready by a certain time.

by 8 years old I figure she should be able to read the alarm clock. Maybe give her her own alarm clock and set it for a time so she can get herself ready? I don't know it works for my son. he likes to be awaken by the alarm clock and do his own thing and not be bothered in the morning with talking. my daughter drags her feet but she loves school and I tell her that if she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to, she can stay home and do chores and do school work at home. Eventually she misses her friends and begs to go back to school.

I tend to stress that TV, computer time, sweets, games, crafts, painting, playdates with friends, trips to the aquarium, beach, shopping, etc are all privileges and something that we allow them to do because we love them and God has blessed us with the means to do so. I show them pictures and video of kids who are their age who are not as privileged and tell them stories of my mother's and my own childhood.

My kids normally don't give me too much trouble because if they push me too much I'll get upset and start crying. then they start crying and apologize.

I had to learn that putting the kids in time out didn't work, unless you saw a change in their attitude. they had to be repentant and I made them admit why they were in trouble and ask them what they would do in the future. sometimes in the beginning they would get sassy and say the same thing. I then would say,"maybe you should spend a few more minutes and rethink your answer" and leave them in time out again. Then afterwards I would make them apologize to everyone they inconvienced or hurt feelings, including myself until they realized that their actions affect more people than just them.

the point was for them to think beyond their own wants and desires and see that they should love and care for others as well. the best way is by example.

i don't know I believe its the little things that really matter sometimes. for example I like little boys and girls who remember to hold the door open for others and say please and thank you. manners will serve well no matter what career they want in the future.

At the end of the day, no matter what hug them and tell them you love them and pray with them and ask them if they will do better the next morning.

anyway my daughter is crying.. have to go...

 

[BishopSEH]

Ok Jenny you got to vent. Its good that your did because keeping it pent up is very unhealthy. So one of your issues is getting her up in the morning. This is an easy one. Go to walmart and buy a plastic fitted sheet for her bed and put in on when she is at school. Before bed, sit her down and very calmly warn her that you will wake her up just one time and if she is not up when you come back your going to dump a bucket of cold water on her.

Make sure she understand that this warning is from now on and not just a one time thing. She will likely think you are bluffing. Even if she thinks you are serious she will revert back to old habits after a short time if you don't have to carry it out right away.

Before you wake her the one time prepare the bucket. Make sure there is no soap residue. Btw its ok to enjoy this but try not to let her see you laugh. Once she is awake tell her to strip her bad and bring the stuff to the laundry room. If she doesn't, leave it. No matter when she brings the stuff, you don't load the dryer have her do it. It is part of the consequences of her actions.

I highly doubt you will have to do it too many times before she changes her behavior. Remember that the goal of disciple is not the hurt the will but to change behavior. Love her enough to disciple effectively. Its not about physical strength or the ability to intimidate. Its about letting your child know that her behavior must change and that you will do what it take to make that happen.

As a side note you might consider listening to Mark Gregston's Parenting Today's Teen show on AFR talk on saturday evenings. Go to afr.net and check him out.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

 

[BarlyGurl]

Good idea Bishop, no reason to tell her about the bucket... that is an error, IMO. THe reason is because when you have a rebellious child like this, who has been running the show for awhile... they already have a habit of ignoring, negotiating or worse... counting the cost. Just say, "starting tomorrow, you will get up by time"X", here is an alarm clock... I will help you set it this ONE TIME. You will get up by 'X" every school day unless otherwise instructed from now on". Next day when she doesn't get up... for whatever reason... she gets the ice-bucket... which might make her rage... but will reset her thinking and give you some element of "surprise" which will not allow her to "calculate" for her disobedience in the future since the consequence is unknown.

Or she'll sleep in a rain coat!

 

[BishopSEH]

Good idea Bishop, no reason to tell her about the bucket... that is an error, IMO. THe reason is because when you have a rebellious child like this, who has been running the show for awhile... they already have a habit of ignoring, negotiating or worse... counting the cost. Just say, "starting tomorrow, you will get up by time"X", here is an alarm clock... I will help you set it this ONE TIME. You will get up by 'X" every school day unless otherwise instructed from now on". Next day when she doesn't get up... for whatever reason... she gets the ice-bucket... which might make her rage... but will reset her thinking and give you some element of "surprise" which will not allow her to "calculate" for her disobedience in the future since the consequence is unknown.

Or she'll sleep in a rain coat!

I am afraid I must disagree. You see it my belief that the consequence should be known. A vague form of discipline has some unforeseen side effects. First, it can instill a spirit of fear in the child. Not knowing can make the child fear the worse. In the bible the Lord makes the consequence of our rebellion clear. I believe we should, when ever possible follow His example.

Second, if the discipline is a secret then when it is carried out it could raise the rebellion of the child due to a lack of clear instruction.

Third it keeps the parent accountable. If the discipline is a bucket of cold water then you can't do something else like flip the bed.

As I said the goal is to change behavior. Its not to intimidate. Its not to inspire fear. BTW if the child wears a raincoat to bed there won't be an issue with waking up. Raincoats don't breath and she will overheat and her bed will still be wet.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

 

[leelee]

it also allows the child toxbe accountable. she may throw a tizzy byt having been warned kibda has to deal with it and can't really go running off to grandparents as they will ask why it hapoened.

 

[BarlyGurl]

I am afraid I must disagree. You see it my belief that the consequence should be known. A vague form of discipline has some unforeseen side effects. First, it can instill a spirit of fear in the child. Not knowing can make the child fear the worse. In the bible the Lord makes the consequence of our rebellion clear. I believe we should, when ever possible follow His example.

Second, if the discipline is a secret then when it is carried out it could raise the rebellion of the child due to a lack of clear instruction.

Third it keeps the parent accountable. If the discipline is a bucket of cold water then you can't do something else like flip the bed.

As I said the goal is to change behavior. Its not to intimidate. Its not to inspire fear. BTW if the child wears a raincoat to bed there won't be an issue with waking up. Raincoats don't breath and she will overheat and her bed will still be wet.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

Yes... I figured you would disagree.
Suggesting the Vague discipline with unforseen effects... as a Parenting HABIT. I do not agree with either.
THis OP has a child who purposefully ignores her as a habit... this child could use a mental re-boot. Instilling a little fear is healthy and suggesting otherwise is anti-biblical. This child has NO-FEAR, as in there have never been consequences of any severity to purpose her to restrain or obey her mother... she does what she wants. An ice bucket is not harmful or "scary" it is just really inconvenient and the OP may discover all the WORK involved in following thru with this method will make "flipping the mattress" that much more attractive a solution... and that method is more likely to breed bitterness... the child is ALREADY in rebellion. THe OP is not a person of as strong a constitution as the Child... and ultimately if the Father doesn't lay down the law... success will be marginal.
I also mentioned the "rage" and that is just as likely to happen... warned or not. The "raincoat" was tongue and cheek
BTW... I notice the collar... so I am wondering if you are the married sort of bishop or the unmarried sort? I think it is fair for the OP to consider who's position is from theory and books... and who's is from experience. I also notice you are 39... how many rebellious daughters have you raised to adult years?

 

[leelee]

A child should not be obeying its parents out of fear! in telling her the consequence it allows her to make an informed decision. Scaring her does not change the attitude.

 

[Ariel82]

I just asked my four year old daughter if when she did something wrong if she was afraid of mommy, and she said yes.

then I asked if she still loved me even if she was afraid, and she said yes. then she came over to cuddle.

the bible says that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom and if you do right you have nothing to fear.

I believe kids should have a healthy respect and fear of their parents, other adults and God when they are disobedient and do wrong. that doesn't mean the love stops.

God chastens His children with love. He expects us to do the same for our own kids.

my eight year old son says he's not scared of me when he does something bad but he is scared of his dad.

its just a general policy that if the kids give any adult any trouble they will have to deal with the consequences when they get home.

you have to remember NOT to make any promises of punishment or reward that you are not willing to fulfill.

My daughter had an accident in the car on the way to preschool and was on punishment for four days: no TV, tablet, video games, computer or electronics. she just got off today.

we increased time out a minute for every year. for example, if my son gets in trouble he has to be in time out for 7 minutes or more, my daughter is put in time out for 4 minutes. then we go and talk to them and either let them out or extend time out for 7 or 4 more minutes.

If my kids have trouble getting up in the morning, I make them have an earlier bedtime. Right now their bedtime is 7:30 pm and they have to wake up by 6 am and be ready to go by 7 am. Otherwise they go to bed at 7 pm that night. As a treat on Frid or Sat or holidays they get to stay up as late as 10 pm.

My friends who had trouble getting their kids up in the morning found moving bedtime to earlier helped a lot. they used to let their kids stay up to 9 pm or later.

Also if my daughter is really grumpy I make her take a nap after lunch, and if my son is dragging his feet or really grumpy and contrary he has to lay quietly on his bed after he gets home from school at 3pm for at least an hour.

just some ideas that worked for my family, hope it helps.

 

[hattiebod]

My kids normally don't give me too much trouble because if they push me too much I'll get upset and start crying. then they start crying and apologise.
Importantly I am not commenting on your ability to parent, just what you wrote here specifically. I suggest there could be healthier ways to be encouraging positive behaviour? on so many levels. Just because something works...does not make it right. God Bless you and your precious family. <><

 

[leelee]

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

 

[Ariel82]

My kids normally don't give me too much trouble because if they push me too much I'll get upset and start crying. then they start crying and apologise.
Importantly I am not commenting on your ability to parent, just what you wrote here specifically. I suggest there could be healthier ways to be encouraging positive behaviour? on so many levels. Just because something works...does not make it right. God Bless you and your precious family. <><

yep I remember why I like pm's more.

healthier ways?

yes there are, and I've tried them but as a parent have you never reached a point when everything you tried doesn't work?

I don't see the problem with crying in front of your kids. would it be better to hide it and pretend that you are crying for a different reason?

who decides what is right or wrong?

I encourage my kids to cry if they are sad or upset and work through the emotion. Just because someone makes you sad or upset doesn't mean you stop loving that person.

My kids get upset when they are in trouble, they are sad if they do wrong and sometimes they cry and its heartbreaking but they know that we punish them and enforce the consequences because we love them.

When they are older we try and reason with them and tell them why we have some rules: for their safety, because its polite and courteous, because it will help them get jobs in the future, etc. However sometimes we ask our children to do things and don't have time to explain at the moment and I tell them to do it for my sanity because we need to get somewhere on time. that its respectful to NOT keep others waiting.

My kids haven't made me cry recently but I remember when they were younger and my husband was working long overtime hours and I felt like the OP posting that nothing I did worked, and you know I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried.

"Just because it worked, don't make it right"? what do you mean by that?

crying was not a tactic to obtain obedience.

it was a free expression of emotion that ellicited an honest repentant attittuded from my children. I took it as a divine intervention from God that had the kids stop and recognize the consequences of their actions.

Yes there are plenty of tactics and tricks that people can recommend but in the end, its you and your child. you have to pray and hope that God gives you the wisdom and strength to raise your child in a manner that will lead them to God and teach them as best as you can His ways, His love, His compassion. Aid in them the development of the fruits of the SPirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control.

there will be times where you will sit down and cry and think you are the worst parent ever, that anyone could raise your kids better than you do.

But you know, what I hear when I am at that moment: God gave me those kids and who am I to question God's choice in parents? All I can do is love and raise them as best as I can and hope that the mistakes that I make will not scar them too much.

try to remember the good moments, the things your child does to make you smile.

for me it worth the disagreements and the tears.

(PS. through the years I've gotten tougher, I don't cry half as much as I used to. My husband said I used to cry when he was just teasing me because I thought he was serious and he was just joking. So it takes a lot these days to get me to start crying and my kids know that sometimes mommy has a bad day. its called being human.)

 

[shae0104]

I had a similiar situation and my friend stop rewarding her when she does well her job is to follow directions and strip her off everything mattress and books. Take her clothes away as well. This is your house everything in it is yours. It will get better I promise.

 

[BarlyGurl]

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Could you tell me where to find that in the bible... which scripture is that... I musta missed it?