Ladies help me out with this one...

[PrettyBelle]

So I've just started dating again after almost 2 years of being single. He's really nice and I like him a lot but....
He just doesn't seem like he's as into me as he claims to be.

He is going to school full time and has a lot of papers and classwork and has 2 kids so I understand being busy. But he never just picks up the phone to call or initiate contact. I am always the one doing the calling and messaging.
When I asked him about it tonight he said that he said he has a hard time showing his feelings and opening up. Plus he's been cheated on and hurt before. I have too, but I'm still ready to try again and give love another shot.
I have always been used to men in past relationships paying more attention to me and wooing and chasing me. Now I feel like I'm doing all the wooing.

Am I wrong to want more attention given the amount he has on his plate? I need some advice.

 

[Ugly]

Well, i'm not a lady, but it doesn't require being female to answer this. Men will always respond to 'women only' posts, and women always respond to 'men only' posts. Only way to avoid this is post in the womens forums.

Anyways, you're saying 'he has a lot on his plate' and this is why he isn't 'wooing' you. But when you talked to him, he gave a different reason. He said 'i have problems showing feelings'. And then you walk away repeating what you said before. You didn't seem to hear what he told you. The reason he isn't chasing after you isn't whats on his 'plate'. Thats your assumption that you're keeping in light of the truth he told you.
Bottom line is he's damaged right now, and that kind of damage takes time to heal. This has nothing to do with papers, kids, etc.. Even if he had more time, he isn't going to act any different. So you need to drop the 'too much on his plate' idea and make your decision based off the information he gave you, which is 'i'm damaged and not going to be showing you affection'.
Don't expect being in a relationship will make him better. What he needs is time to heal, learn to regain trust, probably first through friendships, til he is healed enough to take a genuine emotional risk with someone, not date someone just to have someone, which it sounds like thats what he's doing now. Not to say he isn't truly attracted to you, but he's made it clear he is not emotionally able to be in a genuine relationship.

 

[Robbinette]

If it was me I would just let him know that I would love to be friends and if in the future we are still single and the time is right the you could try again then. I can understand you wanting to try dating again and that's great but it sounds to me like he may just need a friend right now until he is able to show any other feelings. I don't think your wrong for wanting attention I mean everyone has felt that way at one time or another I know I have. So if it isn't happening with him and it doesn't feel right or worth your time and effort it may just be at the wrong time or its the wrong guy

 

[PrettyBelle]

Well, i'm not a lady, but it doesn't require being female to answer this. Men will always respond to 'women only' posts, and women always respond to 'men only' posts. Only way to avoid this is post in the womens forums.

Anyways, you're saying 'he has a lot on his plate' and this is why he isn't 'wooing' you. But when you talked to him, he gave a different reason. He said 'i have problems showing feelings'. And then you walk away repeating what you said before. You didn't seem to hear what he told you. The reason he isn't chasing after you isn't whats on his 'plate'. Thats your assumption that you're keeping in light of the truth he told you.
Bottom line is he's damaged right now, and that kind of damage takes time to heal. This has nothing to do with papers, kids, etc.. Even if he had more time, he isn't going to act any different. So you need to drop the 'too much on his plate' idea and make your decision based off the information he gave you, which is 'i'm damaged and not going to be showing you affection'.
Don't expect being in a relationship will make him better. What he needs is time to heal, learn to regain trust, probably first through friendships, til he is healed enough to take a genuine emotional risk with someone, not date someone just to have someone, which it sounds like thats what he's doing now. Not to say he isn't truly attracted to you, but he's made it clear he is not emotionally able to be in a genuine relationship.

Thanks for the male perspective Ugly. I know that's his real reason for holding back-the fact that he's damaged. I'm just as damaged as he is. We compared baggage and both are accepting of each others contents. LOL

I am just not used to someone not caring if we don't talk for weeks at a time or not picking up a phone to say hi after he was the one who initially showed interest in dating me. If you like someone as much as you claim then you should put in a little more effort I feel. That was my whole point.

 

[Nautilus]

If youre not talking for weeks at a time it doesn't seem like much of a relationship is there. In general though you two also may just have different concepts of communication. I know I have dated girls who were constantly wanting to talk, or hang out, or text and that just wasnt me. Maybe he has his own level of communication in addition to everything else that just differs from yours?

 

[PrettyBelle]

If youre not talking for weeks at a time it doesn't seem like much of a relationship is there. In general though you two also may just have different concepts of communication. I know I have dated girls who were constantly wanting to talk, or hang out, or text and that just wasnt me. Maybe he has his own level of communication in addition to everything else that just differs from yours?

We are just starting out so it's all very new still. I understand that guys are different in that they have these rules about calling after dates not to seem to eager but at 40 and 41 years old I'm too old for games. If you like me then call the next day after a date. Call me to ask how my day was every now and then. Is that a lot to ask? It sends a message that you are interested. When you don't contact me for days at a time I start to wonder if I'm really important to you as a woman. I think most women would agree with me.

 

[BarlyGurl]

stop wooing him. You are setting the bar for the relationship. He is not pursuing you... you are the social therapy woman... who could turn into the does the work in the relationship wife... is that what you want? What is going on with you that has made you willing to lower the bar when you are USED to having the man pursue and woo you?

 

[PrettyBelle]

stop wooing him. You are setting the bar for the relationship. He is not pursuing you... you are the social therapy woman... who could turn into the does the work in the relationship wife... is that what you want? What is going on with you that has made you willing to lower the bar when you are USED to having the man pursue and woo you?

I told him what I wanted tonight and if that doesn't happen then I'm ready to say "this isn't working so have a nice life". I'm not desperate and was fine being by myself. I'm a pretty independent person and actually enjoy doing my own thing.

The only reason I'm pursuing him is because God obviously wants him in my life. I met him on a dating site and was about to delete his message when the Lord (very sternly) said Reply. I have always been obedient when the Lord asks me to do anything so I replied. Once I did and we started talking it became very clear to me why the Lord was asking me to get to know Sean.
We have had such similar experiences and his heart is just as mangled as mine. He almost died 4 years ago and had an amazing experience that made him give his life to God. He said he feels the Lord is calling him to something great. As soon as he said that The Lord said to me "I'm calling him to be a pastor". I was floored. God has only been this firm and direct with me a handful of times and there has been a blessing behind every odd request of me by the way.

When we do talk it's awesome. One night we talked 4 hours and it felt like minutes. Even he was shocked at how long that conversation was. Our first date was awesome. His kids love me. His son even played Xbox games with my son on Xbox live-how crazy is that?
So there is amazing potential in this man and the Lord keeps affirming that I should continue when I pray about it. Who am I to argue with the Lord because He knows this man's heart and the man He's molding him to be. I am just willing to see what develops because I have been hurt before too and understand that some people have trust issues and need time.

 

[Nautilus]

We are just starting out so it's all very new still. I understand that guys are different in that they have these rules about calling after dates not to seem to eager but at 40 and 41 years old I'm too old for games. If you like me then call the next day after a date. Call me to ask how my day was every now and then. Is that a lot to ask? It sends a message that you are interested. When you don't contact me for days at a time I start to wonder if I'm really important to you as a woman. I think most women would agree with me.

I think a lot of this is one of the big gender things in dating. Guys for the most part(but not all) tend to be less communicative than women. While I don't know how often this one is or is not calling you, I personally do think expecting say once a day is too much as well. I dated a girl for a couple years and Im not big on the whole phone talking thing, I would set dates, she just wanted to constantly text. And this has nothing to do with your issue really, but when did the world take such a nosedive on personal communication that texting and phone calls tend to outwiegh the time people spend face to face anymore?

 

[shae0104]

first ugly is right even if u have the same baggage he isn't ready. second remember men and women are different so what u want may not be how he doesn't. 3rd until u are serious I mean serious don't meet each others kids that's irresponsible they get hurt in the process if it doesn't work out. last did u ever think that little voice was Satan or u? I think u can feel it in ur gut what u need to do. maybe he needs to see god through quad a friend restored faith in women and he needs to heal

 

[leelee]

While I don't know how often this one is or is not calling you, I personally do think expecting say once a day is too much as well.

Really, you think once a day is too much? I wouldn't be going on a date more than a couple times a week and if I was starting a relationship with someone I would expect more contact than the two times a week (outside church) that I saw them. Even if it is as simple as a "How was your day?" text.

 

[dashadow]

Well, i'm not a lady, but it doesn't require being female to answer this. Men will always respond to 'women only' posts, and women always respond to 'men only' posts. Only way to avoid this is post in the womens forums.

Anyways, you're saying 'he has a lot on his plate' and this is why he isn't 'wooing' you. But when you talked to him, he gave a different reason. He said 'i have problems showing feelings'. And then you walk away repeating what you said before. You didn't seem to hear what he told you. The reason he isn't chasing after you isn't whats on his 'plate'. Thats your assumption that you're keeping in light of the truth he told you.
Bottom line is he's damaged right now, and that kind of damage takes time to heal. This has nothing to do with papers, kids, etc.. Even if he had more time, he isn't going to act any different. So you need to drop the 'too much on his plate' idea and make your decision based off the information he gave you, which is 'i'm damaged and not going to be showing you affection'.
Don't expect being in a relationship will make him better. What he needs is time to heal, learn to regain trust, probably first through friendships, til he is healed enough to take a genuine emotional risk with someone, not date someone just to have someone, which it sounds like thats what he's doing now. Not to say he isn't truly attracted to you, but he's made it clear he is not emotionally able to be in a genuine relationship.

This is a fantastic piece of advice. And by the way, I think it's a mistake for women to always ask only women for advice about men. I think men know the mind of a man a bit better.

Heed the above advice and try to keep some healthy distance until he has his life together. Someone that hurt should be spending a good deal of time trying to seek God's guidance instead of being so busy with other endeavors. Obviously, his children and school are important, but nothing else matters that much if one's heart isn't right with God. And the 'walking wounded' are prone to self-pity in a way that is a huge burden to those around them.

Women tend to have a very soft spot for those who are struggling. And they often think they can carry the day with their love. But that's not a wise move. It's God's Love that needs to guide this man back into the light. The darkness he doesn't seem to be addressing will drag you into the darkness of his misery as well.

I'm not saying to forget about him. But ask him to deal with his pain as those who trust in God would. And try to get others of Faith to offer support to minimize the burden each of you will bear in this process of healing.

 

[libertygirl]

I am always the one doing the calling and messaging.

^^ ^ That's terrible. He should be pursuing you. If he's not ready to do his part in a relationship, then he shouldn't be dating.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I was wondering PrettyBelle,if this guy whom you mentioned in the "5 Things I like About You" thread (see below)
lived closer to you,like same city or state...would this dude who isn't "wooo-ing" you enough now even be a factor in your life?
1. He will make an amazing pastor one day.
2. He is handsome despite his insistence that he's not much to look at.
3.He speaks of grace and love often and posts often about both topics with great authority and wisdom.
4. Is a true disciple of Christ and goes out of his way to disciple others.
5. Would make a great husband and I really like him a lot but the long distance thing would never work out.

And who he is I will take to my grave. Muaahhhhhhhahahaha

 

[twofeet]

PrettyBelle you said that in the past guys gave you alot more attention and you gave it back....but the fact you're now dating again I presume those relationships didnt last and had issues? Do you think they were co-dependant? Your needs being met and theirs needs being met but deep down no love was going on? Love is not self seeking. I think it would be good not to compare this guy to past relationships and start seeing him for who he really is. Guys in general dont call the next day, or day after etc....they process things differently....but just because he is not contacting you doesnt mean he isnt thinking of you. If you really like him, and honestly believe that God is involved in this then maybe you need to think more about what this guy needs and not what you need. If he doesnt trust then trust itself takes along time to build up. It doesnt happen overnight. Trying to get him to run before he can walk isnt helpful. You have been given some great advice by the guys on here in particular. If you really feel this isnt what you want and you NEED more attention then cut your losses. This guy is not in the place to give it to you yet. But I wouldnt try woohing him yourself.....just give him the time and space he needs ...if he is from the Lord then let the Lord work in His life. We are not here to fix people, only God can do that and if you're saying God has got awsum plans for him then you need to allow God to continue that work in his life.

Maybe take some time yourself Belle to see if there is healing needed in your own life? Maybe God may bring you into a place where you dont crave a guys attention as much but feel secure even if he isnt calling/txting etc?

Allow God to work in both your lives and feel peaceful that if it is truly of Him He will work it out for your good.

 

[Nautilus]

Really, you think once a day is too much? I wouldn't be going on a date more than a couple times a week and if I was starting a relationship with someone I would expect more contact than the two times a week (outside church) that I saw them. Even if it is as simple as a "How was your day?" text.

Having it be necessary to be in contact everyday gets tough. Somtimes I might just not feel like talking to anyone, some days I m too exhuasted to talk or text. But then i work weird hours and texting how was your day before 5pm only get half the story or so. Not everyone requires constant contact either.

 

[Ariel82]

I told him what I wanted tonight and if that doesn't happen then I'm ready to say "this isn't working so have a nice life". I'm not desperate and was fine being by myself. I'm a pretty independent person and actually enjoy doing my own thing.

The only reason I'm pursuing him is because God obviously wants him in my life. I met him on a dating site and was about to delete his message when the Lord (very sternly) said Reply. I have always been obedient when the Lord asks me to do anything so I replied. Once I did and we started talking it became very clear to me why the Lord was asking me to get to know Sean.
We have had such similar experiences and his heart is just as mangled as mine. He almost died 4 years ago and had an amazing experience that made him give his life to God. He said he feels the Lord is calling him to something great. As soon as he said that The Lord said to me "I'm calling him to be a pastor". I was floored. God has only been this firm and direct with me a handful of times and there has been a blessing behind every odd request of me by the way.

When we do talk it's awesome. One night we talked 4 hours and it felt like minutes. Even he was shocked at how long that conversation was. Our first date was awesome. His kids love me. His son even played Xbox games with my son on Xbox live-how crazy is that?
So there is amazing potential in this man and the Lord keeps affirming that I should continue when I pray about it. Who am I to argue with the Lord because He knows this man's heart and the man He's molding him to be. I am just willing to see what develops because I have been hurt before too and understand that some people have trust issues and need time.

I think God just wants you to be his friend. help him heal. nudge him towards becoming a pastor and support him as a brother in Christ.

I don't understand why all relationships have to be romantic, why can't you two just be friends?

If it becomes more than that great. if not then you have gained a great friend. I wouldn't go into the relationship expecting marriage or him pursuing you or whatever. I would go into it trying to make a strong friendship and being supportive as God would want you to be.

 

[zeroturbulence]

PrettyBelle, I don't know if its different where you are but from what I have seen and experienced, when two people who've recently met like each other, they usually call each other everyday and talk for a long time. The fact that you guys don't talk for so long tells me he may not be as interested as he should be.

 

[Stephen63]

I told him what I wanted tonight and if that doesn't happen then I'm ready to say "this isn't working so have a nice life". I'm not desperate and was fine being by myself. I'm a pretty independent person and actually enjoy doing my own thing.

The only reason I'm pursuing him is because God obviously wants him in my life. I met him on a dating site and was about to delete his message when the Lord (very sternly) said Reply. I have always been obedient when the Lord asks me to do anything so I replied. Once I did and we started talking it became very clear to me why the Lord was asking me to get to know Sean.
We have had such similar experiences and his heart is just as mangled as mine. He almost died 4 years ago and had an amazing experience that made him give his life to God. He said he feels the Lord is calling him to something great. As soon as he said that The Lord said to me "I'm calling him to be a pastor". I was floored. God has only been this firm and direct with me a handful of times and there has been a blessing behind every odd request of me by the way.

When we do talk it's awesome. One night we talked 4 hours and it felt like minutes. Even he was shocked at how long that conversation was. Our first date was awesome. His kids love me. His son even played Xbox games with my son on Xbox live-how crazy is that?
So there is amazing potential in this man and the Lord keeps affirming that I should continue when I pray about it. Who am I to argue with the Lord because He knows this man's heart and the man He's molding him to be. I am just willing to see what develops because I have been hurt before too and understand that some people have trust issues and need time.

First, I don't know why you're wanting to talk to someone about this when in fact God is talking to you........ sheesh, I would rather much more talk to the Lord! If God has indeed spoke to you about this, the first thing you need to do is submit and obey. If God has showed you he's going to one day be a pastor, then the obvious problem is that he is indeed currently damaged and needs further healing. Sounds to me like you ought to be happy to be in the will of God!
I would personally recommend that you get complete confirmation from the Lord in a way that you yourself know it is God...... Then, once confirmed, be prepared to minister to him, because God showed this to you for reason. He will need prayer and support from you to help him not only get through his pain, but to know and accept his calling. This will also solidify trust.
Remember also, if God is in it, IT WILL WORK. You need not fret over what will happen, just know that God is in control. But more than anything else, GET THAT ABSOLUTE CONFIRMATION!

 

[leelee]

Having it be necessary to be in contact everyday gets tough. Somtimes I might just not feel like talking to anyone, some days I m too exhuasted to talk or text. But then i work weird hours and texting how was your day before 5pm only get half the story or so. Not everyone requires constant contact either.

So if you find it tough to be in contact every day while not living together how are you going to adjust to say a marriage? I work weird hours but honestly am in contact with both my parents, one of my cousins and a fair few of my friends every day. Texting how was your day before 5 may only get you half the story but you are not really texting for the story you are texting to show the person that you are thinking of them and care how their day was/is. No you may not "require" constant contact, but it is nice. I have a relationship with God and part of that is being in contact with Him, every single day.