Openness

[PopClick]

Rachel's thread about the heart got me thinking about openness. A lot of times, people who aren't open are portrayed as either haughty, damaged, or uncaring. But I don't think everyone merits openness.

There are many people who want to come into our "castles" (as Rachel put it), not to take a tour, comfort us, or even learn from our experiences. They do it to gather ammunition. Once they know our experiences, they can dismiss them. Once they know our accomplishments, they can judge them. Once they know our hopes, they can belittle them. Why? Usually, I think, to feel better about themselves. It's an odd combination of low self-esteem and pride. And instead of taking their time asking God to rework their hearts, they try to find people that they can tear down.

For the right people, I have no walls. I can usually tell within two conversations after meeting someone whether I can be open with them or not. It rarely (if ever) changes, either: if I can be open with them, I can always be open. If I can't, I can't. It sort of reminds me of a warning or two in the bible:
"Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."

So, what kind of people CAN you be open with? People who do this:
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing."

Oh, one last thing. I've seen it mentioned on the cc forums a few times (though I don't think anywhere else) that some girls won't be open with a guy unless they're dating. To me, that doesn't even compute. I would never be in a relationship with someone if I couldn't be open with them before we were dating.

 

[AAAPlus]

I feel like the "ammunition" thing is more a problem that girls have than guys. I never feel like, when talking to a new person, that he/she is possibly trying to find ways to shoot me down and raise themselves up. But maybe I'm just way off target here...do any other guys experience this with any kind of regularity? Of course there is always going to be the odd girl who's just vomits drama and is out to get anyone.

I especially agree with that last paragraph. I don't know why anyone would date someone they aren't already close with...but it seems that's the norm these days. Getting to know someone via dating them is incredibly dangerous...and also widely accepted. Not sure how you could trust a relative stranger in such an intimate way.

 

[DuchessAimee]

Rachel's thread about the heart got me thinking about openness. A lot of times, people who aren't open are portrayed as either haughty, damaged, or uncaring. But I don't think everyone merits openness.

There are many people who want to come into our "castles" (as Rachel put it), not to take a tour, comfort us, or even learn from our experiences. They do it to gather ammunition. Once they know our experiences, they can dismiss them. Once they know our accomplishments, they can judge them. Once they know our hopes, they can belittle them. Why? Usually, I think, to feel better about themselves. It's an odd combination of low self-esteem and pride. And instead of taking their time asking God to rework their hearts, they try to find people that they can tear down.

For the right people, I have no walls. I can usually tell within two conversations after meeting someone whether I can be open with them or not. It rarely (if ever) changes, either: if I can be open with them, I can always be open. If I can't, I can't. It sort of reminds me of a warning or two in the bible:
"Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."

So, what kind of people CAN you be open with? People who do this:
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing."

Oh, one last thing. I've seen it mentioned on the cc forums a few times (though I don't think anywhere else) that some girls won't be open with a guy unless they're dating. To me, that doesn't even compute. I would never be in a relationship with someone if I couldn't be open with them before we were dating.

The people who come along to tear us down... that's why some people are so closed off. They don't know how to 1) identify the people they shouldn't be associating with and 2) they don't know how to protect themselves. So instead of realizing this is why they've closed themselves off and learning a new way of dealing with people, they just seal themselves off entirely.

You being able to tell in 2 or 3 conversations who someone is happens to be a great gift of discernment. Most people don't possess that gift, or in the very least, don't know how to use it. Consider yourself blessed.

Finally, being open with someone before you date is something we agree on. I also don't see the point in dating someone before I knew something so important about them. However, as I've previously stated, most people don't know how to properly assess someone. It makes them more comfortable to assume everyone is good and nice. Or you have someone who assumes everyone will hurt them, therefore they're closed off until they're sure. You sound like a realist. You're willing to look a situation or person over with a critical eye and decide if it's something you should be apart of. You sound like you know who you are as well. Many people do not.

 

[arwen83]

Discernment and boundaries are important. I once was told that relationships/friendships are like a house. You/your life/all the inner stuff is your house and inside your house. We can get hurt when we let people on our porch or inside our house without knowing their character much yet. Some people are outside the fence of your yard, some on the grass, some on the porch, some looking through your windows, some inside your house. It is up to us who we let into our house and our little worlds. Its like a dance. Guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.

I've been quite open and honest about myself, more on here than in real life. Sometimes, because I desire to connect with others and it provides the opportunity for others to open up. Sometimes because I don't give a damn, and don't want to be like people who hide behind their smiles. I value authenticity and honesty. And I can usually tell when someone is trying hard to be someone they aren't. But if I feel like I will be judged, it is a bit harder to open up.

 

[Donkeyfish07]

They do it to gather ammunition. Once they know our experiences, they can dismiss them. Once they know our accomplishments, they can judge them. Once they know our hopes, they can belittle them. Why? Usually, I think, to feel better about themselves. It's an odd combination of low self-esteem and pride. And instead of taking their time asking God to rework their hearts, they try to find people that they can tear down.

That right there.....I try to avoid those kinds of people. I think a person is either the type that won't hesistate to do that kind of thing on a whim......or they're the type that would never even consider it. I'm bad at figuring out who's who when it comes to that.

 

[PopClick]

You being able to tell in 2 or 3 conversations who someone is happens to be a great gift of discernment. Most people don't possess that gift, or in the very least, don't know how to use it. Consider yourself blessed.

I'm bad at figuring out who's who when it comes to that.

Good point. I hope it didn't look like I was bragging, as that was not my intention at all.

All I can say is, I asked God for discernment. I asked Him for wisdom, too, and everything like that I could think of. I only have what He gave me.

Knowing whom to trust is part of guarding one's heart. Philippians 4:5-7 says what to do so that God will guard your heart for you. So it makes sense to me that God will give everyone discernment if they ask in accordance with Philippians 4:5-7.
Now someone come tell me how wrong I am.

 

[DuchessAimee]

Nah! I agree with you.

 

[Liamson]

How did I miss this Thread? I've actually made This Very Thread before. Same title different angle.

Openness affects so much but, I don't think people have the same Capacity for Openness. To some there are parts of themselves that even they do not understand.

Spent 3 months dating someone trying to dig deeper, but there was simply nothing to find. It was shortly after this that I discovered the MBTI in my Marriage and Family Counseling Course. People are wired differently and some people simply do not have the capacity.

Not everyone believes in the secret Garden behind Castle walls with Fortified Buttresses. Its like if I told a woman that Her eyes were the most brilliant shades of Brown and Green, she may not believe me, because no one has ever said that before. So either I'm lying or everyone else who has ever seen her is oblivious. If she thinks the latter, she is thinking that my statement is ridiculous but, also she might fail to see the beauty in herself.

Some people are like that but on a deeper level. I Ask them what has really moved them, and they talk about whatever is popular with everyone else. I try and make it personal and dig into who they are as individuals but, they act as if the thought has never occurred to them. So I ask how they express themselves but, there may not be an answer. They simply may not know.


Some people are afraid of being judged for what is inside of them. They believe that the nail that sticks out gets whacked. And they hide the things that matter the most to them close to the heart. They might tell you all of their favorite things but it is a different situation entirely to discover, why these things are important or what they truly mean to them.




Like, I'm a Music and Movies kind of person. If someone wants to get to know me and feel it the way I do, they have to be willing to experience a few movies and some music. I use a lot of Metaphors Parables and Similes to explain what something feels like to me and being understood by virtue of Empathy is what makes sharing worth the time and effort.


But some people are Tradition, Fashion, Art, Aesthetics and Instagram types and We simply do not understand each other. People who value and stress rules above everything, or the way things are suppose to look above everything, or being apart of the whole, I don't share anything with. Because Our senses are too far to get each other.