Feeling a bit smothered

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FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#1
#1
I am just turned 18 and a student at home with my parents. I know they mean well but to them I am still their little girl and they are majorly over-protective. I understand that they are looking out for me but I am legally an adult now and have to make my own choices and decisions. It's not as if I am a wild child or irresponsible- far from it. One example-I still have a set curfew and they just won't budge on this at all. Another- my mum insists on accompanying me when I go clothes shopping even though I am a modest dresser.
 
Outsider

Outsider

Banned
#2
Apr 13, 2013
76
0
0
#2
How do your parents feel about you getting a job? I suggest you find a job or two and save up some money so you can live on your own. It can be expensive, so you'll have to work full time. You'll also have to learn how to manage your money. If you keep a credit card on you, only use it for emergencies and make sure you pay that money back! A good idea is to calculate the amount of money you'll end up spending a month to live, then making sure you have at least that much money in the bank in advance. If you spend $1,200 a month, try to keep that much money extra in your bank in case of an emergency.

It might be a good idea to not mention to your parents that you want to move out, not yet at least. Wait until you have enough money in the bank to support yourself before saying anything to them. That way, if they give you grief, you can move out without as many problems.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
#3
FAITHFULGILLIAN said:
I am just turned 18 and a student at home with my parents. I know they mean well but to them I am still their little girl and they are majorly over-protective. I understand that they are looking out for me but I am legally an adult now and have to make my own choices and decisions. It's not as if I am a wild child or irresponsible- far from it. One example-I still have a set curfew and they just won't budge on this at all. Another- my mum insists on accompanying me when I go clothes shopping even though I am a modest dresser.
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Have you tried sitting down and talking with them about this? Maybe try to work out a new set of rules that you can both agree on. Also you have to remember, just because yesterday you were 'under age' and today you're 'legal' doesn't mean you suddenly get smarter, wiser, or more responsible. You are still technically a teen. I don't mean this as an insult, but to think a persons view of you should change so drastically in one day doesn't make sense. Sure, there is the legal aspect, but legalities have nothing to do with the individual.
I don't really know you, but you seem to type well, an articulate well, and that's not always common among people your age. So i don't hesitate believing you are responsible for your age.
I'm not sure how long you've been 18, but change takes time. Your parents spent 18 years seeing you as their little girl. Its not easy to change 18 years of thinking overnight. It may take some time. I lived in another state for many years, and my friend there had some kids. The oldest was 7 or so, when i moved out there. She's now 22 and just got married. She's not even my own child and i still struggle with the idea of her being 22 and now married. So i say, give them some time, sit down and discuss things with them. Just don't do it when you're emotional or upset. Do it when you're all calm and keep it mellow.
 
D

dashadow

Guest
#4
#4
Finding that balance between allowing one's child to grow and become independent and protecting them is very difficult for a parent. I'm already struggling with that with my 13 yo daughter. Having real conversations with her as opposed to just saying, "because I say it has to be this way", has been helpful. And I hope we will continue to have good conversations about matters of concern.

But as long as my daughter lives in my home, be she 13 or 30, I will have the final say so in what goes on. And that includes when she comes home. That is for her security as well as the security of the rest of those living here. My mother use to always say, "You have to pay the cost to be the boss". If you want to do your own thing, you have to pay your own way. That means having your own place.

I want my daughter to always feel welcome at home. And I don't want to be overly protective. I try to find a common resolution to any conflict. But again, as long as she's in my house, rules will be followed. Sometimes it's difficult to be obedient. And rules don't always seem fair. But you're entering a stage in life in which you'll have to deal with some adjustments. I pray it works out well for you.
 
L

LanaH

Guest
#5
#5
Sometimes it's just hard for parents accept that their babies are growing up. They find it more difficult to let go than the child does. You may have to sit down and talk to them and let them know how you feel, but in an appropriate manner.
 
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FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#6
#6
dashadow said:
Finding that balance between allowing one's child to grow and become independent and protecting them is very difficult for a parent. I'm already struggling with that with my 13 yo daughter. Having real conversations with her as opposed to just saying, "because I say it has to be this way", has been helpful. And I hope we will continue to have good conversations about matters of concern.

But as long as my daughter lives in my home, be she 13 or 30, I will have the final say so in what goes on. And that includes when she comes home. That is for her security as well as the security of the rest of those living here. My mother use to always say, "You have to pay the cost to be the boss". If you want to do your own thing, you have to pay your own way. That means having your own place.

I want my daughter to always feel welcome at home. And I don't want to be overly protective. I try to find a common resolution to any conflict. But again, as long as she's in my house, rules will be followed. Sometimes it's difficult to be obedient. And rules don't always seem fair. But you're entering a stage in life in which you'll have to deal with some adjustments. I pray it works out well for you.
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I understand what you say and it makes total sense for a 13 year old. But I think at 18, you are at the age when you can make sensible decisions about your own security.And my parents' curfews are beyond what is needed even if security was an issue. They have even refused to lift the parental controls off my computer, which is I think just undermining my own responsibility.
 
N

Nancyer

Guest
#7
#7
I'm sorry this is causing you such grief. I do agree with Outsider about getting a job; have they not approached the subject of college or working? My son turned 18 in Feb. and I've been on him about a job and what his plans are even before his birthday.

But your not alone. Before my first real New Years Eve party my dad insisted on calling the house where the party would be, making sure there would be adults present, no alcohol, etc. I was a little embarrassed but no one at the party ever knew, and I had a great time. I found out later mine weren't the only parents who called ahead.
 
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FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#8
#8
Nancyer said:
I'm sorry this is causing you such grief. I do agree with Outsider about getting a job; have they not approached the subject of college or working? My son turned 18 in Feb. and I've been on him about a job and what his plans are even before his birthday.

But your not alone. Before my first real New Years Eve party my dad insisted on calling the house where the party would be, making sure there would be adults present, no alcohol, etc. I was a little embarrassed but no one at the party ever knew, and I had a great time. I found out later mine weren't the only parents who called ahead.
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I am studying full-time. My parents feel I need to concentrate on my studies and that I should not take on a job.
 
Nautilus

Nautilus

Senior Member
#9
Jun 29, 2012
6,488
53
48
#9
go to college far away. then you have your freedom while still being responsible and that is what got my parents off my back. They cant control what you do that far away, so they mellow
 
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MissCris

Guest
#10
#10
As much of a pain as it is, and as frustrating as I know it can be, you are living under their roof, and you are living off of their money. This means that you'll have to follow their house rules.

It does NOT mean, however, that you can't try to talk to them about easing up some. I don't know what time your curfew is, but maybe they would be willing to extend it, a little at a time, as you prove that you're responsible enough to handle it. I really can't suggest what else you could do, except finding ways to show them that you ARE an adult and they don't need to "smother" you anymore.

So long as you behave like an adult, they really ought to be treating you more like one. I had to return to live with my parents for a short while after I was married; my husband and I both had to accept a curfew, and respect meal times, and ask permission for certain things.

And we were 23.

So I get the frustration, but you do need to realize, like I said, it IS their house.
 
T

tyland

Guest
#11
#11
I know it seems like your parents are smothering you , but I am sure they are only trying to protect you. I know that you will understand when you become a parent someday. I hear objections from my 14 year old daughter all the time. In my heart I know that I just want to keep her safe and give her some structure and boundaries. I hope in doing so it will make her better in her faith and allow her to become a productive member of society. Proverbs 22:6 reads, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it". I am sure this is what they are trying to do.....Have you considered getting your own place? Living under their roof means following their rules. Good luck to you and God bless you.
 
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Duckies

Guest
#12
#12
Hi theres :)

As many have suggested, try talking to them without expressing frustration and try to come to an understanding. And while this is not an opinion more of a suggestion as well, you should Absolutely embrace the opportunity that you currently have, you could be having to endure house rules, work + school + some crazy bills.

Not saying you have it easier, what i am trying to say is enjoy the opportunity you currently have! you have your entire life ahead of you to live, get that foundation started and absorb the good things from this experience and learn from the bad ones so that you don't re-live them.

God Bless You!
 
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FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#13
#13
Thanks for all the good advice. And I don't want to sound ungrateful. And I do fully appreciate that it is their home and they have every right to make rules to make sure that I play my part in chores and don't do stuff that inconveniences them or makes unneccessary work. But I still feel at 18 I don't need really tight curfews, or to be told what I can or cannot wear and have netnanny still clamped on my pc.
 
Outsider

Outsider

Banned
#14
Apr 13, 2013
76
0
0
#14
FAITHFULGILLIAN said:
Thanks for all the good advice. And I don't want to sound ungrateful. And I do fully appreciate that it is their home and they have every right to make rules to make sure that I play my part in chores and don't do stuff that inconveniences them or makes unneccessary work. But I still feel at 18 I don't need really tight curfews, or to be told what I can or cannot wear and have netnanny still clamped on my pc.
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Just because they have every right to make the rules doesn't mean the rules are just. I completely know how you feel.

It's hard coming out of your teenage years these days. Parents are constantly pushing their children to go to college, as if it's the only way for anyone to find success in their life.

If your life at home is too stressful, it's okay to take a break from school to find a job, and to become a part-time student after that. The only problem with this is that your parents might not agree with this choice and threaten to stop paying for your education. If that's the case, you'll just have to weigh the pros and cons. Try to put up with your parents for a few more years, or gain dependence at the cost of your parent's support.

Even as an adult, your parent's approval is very important, and it's easy for parents to convince their children to do things they don't want to do. I tried community college, but the school environment just wasn't for me. Although I'm grateful for my mom's care and support, I wish I had focused more on getting a full time job and my own place and moving on from there.

Good luck, I hope you're able to find the strength to gain your independence, while it be right away or after college.
 
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FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#15
#15
Outsider said:
Just because they have every right to make the rules doesn't mean the rules are just. I completely know how you feel.

It's hard coming out of your teenage years these days. Parents are constantly pushing their children to go to college, as if it's the only way for anyone to find success in their life.

If your life at home is too stressful, it's okay to take a break from school to find a job, and to become a part-time student after that. The only problem with this is that your parents might not agree with this choice and threaten to stop paying for your education. If that's the case, you'll just have to weigh the pros and cons. Try to put up with your parents for a few more years, or gain dependence at the cost of your parent's support.

Even as an adult, your parent's approval is very important, and it's easy for parents to convince their children to do things they don't want to do. I tried community college, but the school environment just wasn't for me. Although I'm grateful for my mom's care and support, I wish I had focused more on getting a full time job and my own place and moving on from there.

Good luck, I hope you're able to find the strength to gain your independence, while it be right away or after college.
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i am really keen to go to college. And I know my parents mean the best for me. And while I am dependent on them, I believe I should obey them. So do they lol! So I am a bit conflicted. But you are right, in a few years, this won't really matter.
 
Outsider

Outsider

Banned
#16
Apr 13, 2013
76
0
0
#16
FAITHFULGILLIAN said:
i am really keen to go to college. And I know my parents mean the best for me. And while I am dependent on them, I believe I should obey them. So do they lol! So I am a bit conflicted. But you are right, in a few years, this won't really matter.
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If moving out isn't the preferable option, then talking to your parents (as others have pointed out) is the thing to do.

Just know that if things ever do get too out of hand, the option of moving out is always there. In the meantime, keep confident and don't second guess yourself.
 
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FAITHFULGILLIAN

Guest
#17
#17
MissCris said:
As much of a pain as it is, and as frustrating as I know it can be, you are living under their roof, and you are living off of their money. This means that you'll have to follow their house rules.

It does NOT mean, however, that you can't try to talk to them about easing up some. I don't know what time your curfew is, but maybe they would be willing to extend it, a little at a time, as you prove that you're responsible enough to handle it. I really can't suggest what else you could do, except finding ways to show them that you ARE an adult and they don't need to "smother" you anymore.

So long as you behave like an adult, they really ought to be treating you more like one. I had to return to live with my parents for a short while after I was married; my husband and I both had to accept a curfew, and respect meal times, and ask permission for certain things.

And we were 23.

So I get the frustration, but you do need to realize, like I said, it IS their house.
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Gosh, a curfew when you were married and 23 seems tough. Was that just so you wouldn't disturb them coming home late?
 
Z

zaoman32

Guest
#18
#18
FAITHFULGILLIAN said:
I am just turned 18 and a student at home with my parents. I know they mean well but to them I am still their little girl and they are majorly over-protective. I understand that they are looking out for me but I am legally an adult now and have to make my own choices and decisions. It's not as if I am a wild child or irresponsible- far from it. One example-I still have a set curfew and they just won't budge on this at all. Another- my mum insists on accompanying me when I go clothes shopping even though I am a modest dresser.
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FAITHFULGILLIAN said:
I understand what you say and it makes total sense for a 13 year old. But I think at 18, you are at the age when you can make sensible decisions about your own security.And my parents' curfews are beyond what is needed even if security was an issue. They have even refused to lift the parental controls off my computer, which is I think just undermining my own responsibility.
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I'm not going to give you much advice that hasn't already been given, I will tell you to consider the ages of the people giving you advice. They didn't get as old and independent as they are now by not learning through life and gaining some wisdom and experience in things. I can say for sure that I have rarely, if ever, disagreed with MissCriss or Ugly on an issue. Nine and a half times out of ten, they know what they're talking about, it's not just something they're pulling out of the air.

I'm 28 and just recently had to move back in with my parents, and I can tell you this, even at my age, they never quit wanting, or trying to be parents. I have three kids of my own, I can imagine how hard it is. The thing is, living with my parents now, even though I don't have a curfew, I still want to be home at a decent our, not for their convenience, but out of respect for them. Think of it this way. Your 18, you a legal adult, that means they have every right to charge you rent, and kick you out on the streets if you don't pay up. Instead, they're giving you free living, I assume they're putting food on the plate in front of you, and I also assume you have a bed to sleep on. And you're not paying a dime. Be thankful for what you have right now. And as others have said, if things seem too harsh discuss them. At the very least settle for some kind of compromise, "Ok if I respect this and this for a certain period of time, will you be able to ease up slightly..." And keep going back and forth if you have to.
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#19
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#19
I'll be 88 next month and my daughter is 64. We STILL struggle with this. It is going the other way, now. She is being too much the parent.

I think it starts when a child must tie their shoes! When are they able to handle this on their own. The problem is there in every family and each handles it differently. It sounds to me like you are being more realistic and adult about it than your parents.

When my daughter was newly married she told me she wished we could talk about some drapes she wanted to buy, but she wanted to talk as a friend and she was having a hard time not taking what I said as from a mother, instead, so please would I just be quiet about what I thought about drapes. I was. Those drapes were a growing time for both of us.
 
S

SeekingJC

Guest
#20
#20
Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
 
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