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C

cgirl

Guest
#1
#1
I have to send this presentation letter in English and I'd like it to be checked by an English speaking person.... just to make sure everything is fine :)

Thanks in advance!

Greetings

My name is XXXXXXXXX, I’m XX years old and I’m studying XXXXXXXX at XXXXXX. I’m working as an architect assistant in a construction, and even though I work, I have a flexible schedule which allows me to get involved in various activities. Lately, I’ve been working with a NGO called XXXXXXX Foundation.
I would like to participate in this interchange because I’ve always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youngs like me and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.
I will apply to the Japanese Embassy next interchange and I would like to experiment the other side of the coin and help the Japanese students to have a good experience.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this application.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
 
crossnote

crossnote

Senior Member
#2
Nov 24, 2012
30,707
3,650
113
#2
cgirl said:
I have to send this presentation letter in English and I'd like it to be checked by an English speaking person.... just to make sure everything is fine :)

Thanks in advance!

Greetings

My name is XXXXXXXXX, I’m XX years old and I’m studying XXXXXXXX at XXXXXX. I’m working as an architect assistant in a construction, and even though I work, I have a flexible schedule which allows me to get involved in various activities. Lately, I’ve been working with a NGO called XXXXXXX Foundation.
I would like to participate in this interchange because I’ve always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.
I will apply to the Japanese Embassy at the next interchange and I would like to experiment with the other side of the equation and help the Japanese students to have a good experience.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this application.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
Click to expand...

(changes in bold)
 
J

JDecree

Guest
#3
#3
cgirl said:
Greetings

My name is XXXXXXXXX, I’m XX years old and I’m studying XXXXXXXX at XXXXXX. I’m working as an architect assistant in a construction, and even though I work, I have a flexible schedule which allows me to get involved in various activities. Lately, I have been working with an NGO called XXXXXXX Foundation.
I would like to participate in this interchange because I have always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me and share with them all the beautiful things that my country has to offer.
I will apply to the Japanese Embassy at the next interchange and I would like to experiment with the other side of the equation and help the Japanese students to have a good experience.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this application.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
Click to expand...
changes in bold(taking Crossnotes' edits into account)
 
MaranathaSoonQuick

MaranathaSoonQuick

Senior Member
#4
May 18, 2010
931
15
18
#4
cgirl said:
I have to send this presentation letter in English and I'd like it to be checked by an English speaking person.... just to make sure everything is fine :)

Thanks in advance!

Greetings

My name is XXXXXXXXX, I’m XX years old and I’m studying XXXXXXXX at XXXXXX. I’m working as an architect assistant in a construction, and even though I work, I have a flexible schedule which allows me to get involved in various activities. Lately, I’ve been working with a NGO called XXXXXXX Foundation.
I would like to participate in this interchange because I’ve always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youngs like me and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.
I will apply to the Japanese Embassy next interchange and I would like to experiment the other side of the coin and help the Japanese students to have a good experience.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this application.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
Click to expand...
Correct format:

Greetings

My name is XXXXXXXXX. I’m XX years old and I’m studying XXXXXXXX at XXXXXX. I’m working as an architect assistant in construction, but even though I work, I have a flexible schedule which allows me to get involved in various activities. Lately, I’ve been working with an NGO called XXXXXXX Foundation.
I would like to participate in this interchange because I’ve always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.
I will fill out an application for the Japanese Embassy next interchange, and I would like to experiment with the other side of the equation and help the Japanese students (-to {remove}) have a good experience.

Thank you for taking the time to consider this application.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX

Mixing with 'crossnote' the at is fine also but makes it seem like you're going to the place to apply there. Either is fine anyway. My corrections were made with the underline feature since i don't feel enthused enough to search alt codes for proper grammar and punctuation-al editing symbols.
I bid you well.
 
MaranathaSoonQuick

MaranathaSoonQuick

Senior Member
#5
May 18, 2010
931
15
18
#5
zooming in I sorta see a run-on sentence which could be modified into a couple of shorter sentences,.:

"I would like to participate in this interchange because I’ve always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer."

Perhaps;

I'd like to participate in this interchange. One reason why is that I've always been interested in Japan, it's culture, and history. Also, I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me, and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.

Words can vary if desired to fit your own personal preference, for instance 'One reason why is...' can be 'first because,..and second,..'. There's more variations i'd imagine just cant bring them to mind.

 
Last edited:
T

Tintin

Guest
#6
#6
MaranathaSoonQuick said:
zooming in I sorta see a run-on sentence which could be modified into a couple of shorter sentences,.:

"I would like to participate in this interchange because I’ve always been interested in Japan, its culture and history, and I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer."

Perhaps;

I'd like to participate in this interchange. One reason why is that I've always been interested in Japan, it's culture, and history. Also, I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me, and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.

Words can vary if desired to fit your own personal preference, for instance 'One reason why is...' can be 'first because,..and second,..'. There's more variations i'd imagine just cant bring them to mind.

Click to expand...
Contractions aren't used in formal documents:

I would like to participate in this interchange. One reason why is that I have always been interested in Japan, its culture, and history. Also, I see this as an opportunity to interact with Japanese youth like me, and share with them all the beautiful things my country has to offer.
 
C

cgirl

Guest
#7
#7
Thank you! I'll take all your corrections into consideration.

One question: is it okey if I use "I'm" instead of "I am" in a formal document? I find it a little weird...
 
blue_ladybug

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
#8
Feb 21, 2014
70,869
9,601
113
#8
cgirl said:
Thank you! I'll take all your corrections into consideration.

One question: is it okey if I use "I'm" instead of "I am" in a formal document? I find it a little weird...
Click to expand...

It's better to use "I am" because it sounds more professional. :) As TinTin said, contractions are'nt usually used in formal, professional documents or resumes. :)
 
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