Mustard Seed
by: Lowanla (me)
When I was a child I believed in Christ
He was my superhero I wanted to be just like him
Jesus was the prince that would one day come rescue me
I believed in it so much I wanted to be perfect just for him
it was such a perfection obsession,
I thought I had to work my way to Heaven
I felt like I was never going to be good enough
I did not know love, I did not know that he loved me
God had blessed me with everything
I was spoiled because I asked and he gave me
everything I needed just to be happy
he healed my pets, he gave me favor,
but at the same time I didn't know him
I didn't know how much he loved me
I didn't know what love meant.
I hated God So Much
when I was helplessly being hurt and attacked
by the things I could not control,
he never rescued me when I cried out to him
when he let bad things happen to me
Or when he allowed them to happen to friends
and he allowed them to happen to family
I hated him for making me this color
because it made people hate me
it made me feel like I was never going to be good enough
like I had to earn my way to get anything good.
I hated him for not making people believe in him
wondering why things got worse in the world
when he could easily save it instantly
so I pushed God away
I hated him with everything
somehow his love remained true
because his word never fails
..its true.
somewhere in my frozen heart
there was still a softness toward Christ
even if just by a little bit
I think God knew that and saw that
because I would not be consumed entirely
by the darkness
God placed his seal of protection upon my forhead
when the flames came to engulf me
when the darkness became so strong
that my heart beats turned into loud bangs in my dreams
and the darkness tried to destroy and consume me..
because I waned to die
God still loved me, and wanted me to live
I didn't know why..
I guess thats what you call real mercy
because of his faithful love for me.
is why this 'sinner' me is alive..
all my strength had no power against this
but it was only my soft heart
toward God that allowed it not to destroy me
even though I told God I don't care if I go to hell
I don't care if I died,
I really didn't understand the point of life,
but even in my hate I still had a love for everything
Christ Jesus had stood for
God knew this he saw my heart
that I couldn't handle it
God in his great mercy rescued me
cause he knows as long as there is
a soft love toward him in my heart
even just by a little bit
He rescued me not because of what I have earned
but because of his great love for me
because of my soften heart toward him
even if it was the size of a mustard seed...
he saw that and kept his focus upon it,
he still loved ..me.
because of his steadfast faithfulness
I am redeemed.