My story...a true story...(very long) do not read if you are OCD sensitive.

(this is long, and you may wonder what this has to do with Christian chat, but if you bare with me, toward the end, I get to the point)


I'm 42...and i'm barely alive.

The story im writing about here takes place (mostly) starting in the year 1983. There may have had incidents before that, but I don't recall. I'll talk more on that later.

It was summer of 1983, and I was had just arrived with to live with my Dad. It was something new to me, but something very much appreciated. We had a nice house situated on about 2 acres of land out in the country. I remember weekends and summers running up and down the roads, going to friends houses, riding my bike to the park, and around the area where we lived. Pretty normal, for the most part. I did, however, start to notice a trend developing, one that I didn't know what it was at the time, but I do now. Something wasn't right.

I remember going to Church at the Baptist Church down the road from where we lived. Sunday mornings and Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights if I could make it.

Like I said, mostly a normal life...mostly. As I said previously, I started to have some patterns...some difficulties if you will. It all started, if I remember, with the incessant need to wash my hands...alot. I also started to notice that I did things in patterns. It was strange, and not normal, but I couldnt help but do them. I would wash my hands so much that they would get dry and start cracking. I would do things like turn the faucet on and off certain numbers of times. I knew that I wasn't afraid of contamination, rather, afraid that if I had something on my hands, something gross or dirty, and that if I ate something, that whatever was on my hands would get transfered to my mouth, and that thought was disturbing. As a result, I would repeatedly wash my hands in order to make sure they are clean and that nothing would be transfered from my hands to my mouth.

Later in life, I was able to put a name to this problem, as it grew worse and worse, as OCD, or obsessive compulsive disorder.

Through school, it was mostly a constant lull, I would do things, that if other people viewed, would not make sense. Like, when I thought my hands were dirty, I would somethings blow and sort of spit on them, as if to clean them. If I did that, I would think they would be clean...or at least "ok".

These are just the preliminary activities that would later become a very disturbing problem.

I was, at least I thought I was, a fairly smart kid, at least as far as "book smart" was concerned. I think I lacked common sense, which would later to be actually proven true, due to some very impulsive decisions I made.

As a kid, I remember being saved. Or at least I went through the motions. I said the prayer, went through Baptism, went to Church every Sunday. However, after school was out, and I went out into life, I stopped going to Church, never read the Bible, and didn't pray.

During school, I also noticed another problem developing...jealousy. I had a girlfriend, and for some reason, I was jealous alot, afraid that she would start going out with other people. It caused me alot of grief. Mind you, she never did anything that would cause me to be jealous, I just was. Later, I would start to wonder if I was jealous that she was actually doing something, or if it was just the thought of her doing something, because I would imagine things and it would cause me distress.

Fast forward to around 1993. We got married. We moved to a new town and I got a job at a warehouse there. We were married for about 3.5 years, and ultimately over those 3.5 years, I still held on to my jealousy, and it caused us both problems. Eventually, we got divorced. I'm not sure if it was just both of us being tired of my jealousy or what exactly caused it.

I continued working for the warehouse, but my OCD had grown worse over the years. Up til now, I still didn't know that what I had was OCD, but I know it would cause me great distress.

I remember having feelings of anxiety, the need to do things exactly the same, a certain number of times, or a certain set of numbers of times. Having to do things that were mostly impossible to do, but because I felt like if I didnt do them, or at least try, that something bad would happen. As a result, I would try to do things over and over again until I had done them perfectly the same as I did the first time. For example, if I had an itch on my back and I reached around to scratch it, but couldnt reach it, I would try to force my arm up my back or over my shoulder trying to reach that spot.

If, by chance, I had touched something else, accidently, while trying to do this, I would have to repeat the process from the very start, doing everything precisely the same way. As a result, this would take much time out of my day, cause me to be extremely frustrated, not to mention, since I was trying to make my body do things that I realisticly couldnt do, sweaty and tired.

But the OCD didn't stop there, I also had mental anxiety. Thoughts would pop into my head at random, and if there was something that would cause me anxiety about that thought, I would have to repeat that thought again until I had thought it the same way. The problem here is, my mind is, and was at that time also..scattered. Hard to focus, especially trying to get images in my head the exact same way a certain number of times. Colors, shapes, movement, all these details I would try as hard as I could to duplicate, only I would grow in frustration because, if there was anything different about the image, say, lets say the image I had thought had blue in it, I would have to think of that exact shade of blue. Any variance and I had to start over and do it all again. However, as I said before, because my mind seems to be hard to focus, these things would be extremely difficult as inevitabely, while trying to think, my mind would pop something else in my head, or change the thought, and this would lead to long, drawn out sessions of just sitting there, thinking and thinking and trying to get it all "just right".

For some reason, in addition to my thought and physical compulsions, I seemed to be hung up on numbers. Having to do each compulsion a certain number of times to "finish" it. For me, it was 4's. I would have to try and do something, exactly right...4 times. If, however, I didnt get it right in those 4 times, then I would have to do it in 4 sets of 4's. If I didnt get it right in THAT set, then it would be 4 sets of 4 set's of 4's...and so on. Now, this sounds really bad, I know, but when it got to this point, alot of times I could sort of "quick think" it, in order to get to the end, as it would have led to an extremly long time of sitting there thinking. However, even with quick thinking, the very last one would have to be exact, if not, then i'd have to start on another multiple of 4's. On a good note, alot of times, by this point, I would be so fed up, frustrated and somewhat brain frazzled that I could just let it go.

Eventually, I was able to force myself to get rid of the physical compulsions..mostly. Due to the fact that it would happen while at work and would take time out of my day, or, it was just too frustrating and I didn't want to do it anymore. I'm not exactly sure which one it was that got me mostly over that, but none-the-less, I could mostly ignore those. The thought obsessions, however, never stopped, and persist to this day, granted, not to such an extreme as it did back then.

So, why the numbers? Well, in my mind, 4's were even numbers, even numbers = good, odd numbers = bad. That was my thinking, as such, everything had to be done in even numbers. Later, this actually somewhat changed, i'll explain that in a minute.

Now, the driving force behind my anxiety? I was afraid that if I didnt complete these compulsions that something bad would happen. Maybe I was wanting something and if I didn't finish the compulsions, that it wouldnt happen, or I wouldnt get it. I'm not sure if it was at that same time, or later that the anxiety also started to include the feeling that if I didn't complete the compulsions that God would do something to me, or cause me not to get something I was wanting.

This thought process I later learned to be called Scrupulosity. The fear of having sinned or having to do things in a certain way as to avoid punishment from God.

..to be continued

I won't list all the examples of my OCD, there simply are too many. The main point here is that, these obsessions and anxiety provoking thoughts were...and are..endless. There is no break, no rest period. My mind is constantly popping things up, things that are not good. As a result, it seems as if my day, from just an hour or two after I wake up, til I go to bed, is one endless series of obessions after another. It seems as though, if I get one thought process sorted out, another thought quickly provokes anxiety and I start to think through that one.

You could kind of compare the thought process to a light switch, where thinking of it once is turning the switch on, and thinking of it again, or completing the thought process is turning it off. It's like, when I have a anxiety provoking thought, I have to "undo" that thought by replacing the bad thought with good thought, and I have to end on a good thought.

The thoughts? I won't list them here, lets just say that it could be something from very bad, to completely mundane, but even the mundane thoughts pop in, if I have something about it that spikes anxiety, it becomes something I have to obsess about.

Now, more to the point of why I am posting this story here, on Christian chat. Of the many thoughts that just randomly pop into my head, sometimes...maybe even often times, they are about Jesus, or God, and they are not good. Some are evil, some are immoral. It's as if I have almost no control of things popping into my head. Don't get me wrong, I can think thoughts, like normal, but it seems as if there is alot of...noise, if you want to call it that, and the most vile thoughts can just pop in at random at any time, and those are the things that I seem to not have control of.

Needless to say, those thoughts spike anxiety, and as such, and espeically since they are about Jesus and God, I have to "undo" them, obviously, I can't have the last thought in my head be THAT thought. So I have to do it over and over, to get it right, so that the end result is the "off switch" or, the negating of the thought...so to speak.

Now, it is not only just the thought here, but it also has to do with feelings. What this means is, lets say I get a bad thought, and I get that..butterfly feeling in the stomach, or a "good" feeling, then when I undo the thought, I have to have a bad feeling..or a disgusted feeling. Basically, if I get an undesired feeling when I first think it, I have to undo the thought and have the desired "feeling" when I finish it.

It's all hard to explain, but hopefully you get the idea.

Now, lets move on. Recently, in the past few years, I have noticed something that disturbs me. Have you ever been on a lazy Saturday afternoon, and you were just feeling tired, maybe after you had a big meal and you went outside to sit, and you were awake, but you had that tired feeling. It's almost like you were in a haze so to speak. When you looked at something, it was like you weren't looking "at" it, but rather through it. That is how I feel most days, most of the time. It seems like i'm in a constant haze, I feel..dull.

I actually, at one point, was kind of smart, I had ideas, thoughts on how to improve things, slightly creative. Now it seems as if all that is slipping away. This may sound funny, but I almost feel as if I am getting dumber. Like my brain is no longer able to function like it once did. I feel tired alot and just...blah. If you can put that into a feeling.. Like I said, a haze.

I wake up in the morning, and for an hour or two, things seem to be ok, but after that, my mind starts to wander, and the thoughts start popping up, and this is when it all begins, and my day, from that point on, it pretty much miserable.

So, in order to keep from rambling any more, i'll get to the point.

In the last year or three, things have been getting very difficult. I've seemed to have lost most abilty to reason. I am unsure about everything it seems. I don't have a grip on my feelings. What I mean by all this is, i'm to the point that I'm unsure what I believe. I have a hard time, on any given subject, knowing how I feel about it. Politics, religion, pretty much anything. If you ask me how I felt about a give subject, I really don't think I can tell how I feel. I am unsure if what I feel about anything is an actual feeling, or if it is what my anxiety and OCD are making me feel.

With all this going on, most of my days are filled with indignation, hate, and malice. At work, I see what I perceive to be inadequacies, people aren't being treated the same, or fairly, at least to my perception. As a result, I have alot of indignation and malice toward people. I see things in the world and how people act. On the roads, the way people drive. From my point of view, people are selfish and greedy. They are all about me me me.

One of the disturbing part of this is, I used to be a more generous guy. I would be more apt to help people. It may have been a selfish reason why I did it, but it made me feel good to help people. I don't know why, it just did. To some extent, i'm still that way, but it's not like it was before. I have much more anger inside me now. I seem to have almost no motivation.

Recently, in the last year or so, I started going to Church again, and more recent than that, I started reading the Bible. Ive asked Jesus into my heart a few times, but each time, I feel nothing. My life goes on the same each day. I don't feel any change, the next day is the same as all the rest. I would have thought that if I had actually been saved that something would have changed, I would feel different, and I wouldnt have these thoughts and this feeling of malice that I do.

This could only mean one thing...I have not been saved, and it actually makes sense. You see, it seems like I do everything now..out of fear. I read the Bible, seemingly not because I want to learn about God, but rather, I feel like I have to do it and that if I don't, that God will punish me. The times I asked Jesus into my heart, most likely were because I was hoping that he would end this problem. Again, not because I was seeking God to serve Him, but rather, for relief.

This started to bring into question my whole belief in God. Do I really believe in Him? Or is my belief in Him based on what I feel I SHOULD think, and what I have heard all my life. Due to my inability to rationalize things out, and not being able to distinguish my feelings, I have a hard time answering this question. I like to think that I have faith that He exists, but it's hard for me to answer these questions.

Basically, I go through life fearing God, fearing that God will punish me, or cause (or allow) things to happen to me. I have prayed, many times, for help, for God to take this away from me, for understanding, but nothing seems to happen. I feel very disconnected..from God and from life in general. It's like I do not feel His presence at all, and it seems like I am the furthest away from God as I ever have been.

I somtimes obsess that God wants me to go through these mental obessions, that he wants me to do all these thought processes, which in a time when I would be trying to rationalize my way out of an episode, the thought would pop into my head "this might be what God wants me to do", and this causes me to HAVE to do it, since if God wants me to do it, by not doing it, I would be disobeying Him. I don't know I feel that if I don't do the thought obessions, and if God wanted me to, then I would be punished or something. I don't know, it's all confusing.

Over the last couple of years, I don't know, but I sometimes get the feeling that I am angry at God, or have some sort of frustration...dare I even say it...hatred toward Him. I don't know if I blame Him for my problems or if I don't. I sometimes get those bad thoughts that pop into my head that God is a bad person and he causes misery and such to people. Now I know that everything I have ever been taught or heard about Him says this is not true, but like I said, I sometimes get those thoughts that pop into my head. These are unwanted thoughts, but they happen none the less. It's just hard to know what I am thinking. I have alot of doubt and fear. I don't want these thoughts, they just pop in out of the blue.

When I think of things, I don't know if what I am feeling about them is actually me..or the OCD causing the feeling.

Im starting to sound like a broken record here. Basically what it all comes down to is, I live in fear, doubt and anxiety. I have a hard time knowing how I feel about things. My salvation...I have no idea. The problem is, I seem to have no desire or motivation. When I read the Bible, it seems like I just read through it just to get done so I can go do other things that I want to do. I go to Church because I feel I should, not because I really WANT to. It seems like im down in this hole and for some reason, I cannot seem to crawl out of it. I don't want things to be this way, but for some reason, I either lack the motivation or the ability to see things clearly enough to change it.

Now, I also seem to have alot of distrust in my life. An example of this is, I will hardly..if ever, eat at a fast food resteraunt anymore, such as fast food burger places. The reason? Because i've heard all the stories of how the people there do things to the food, and to me that is nasty. So, I just don't go. Another example, if i'm talking to someone and they are trying to tell me something they did, or why they did something, i'm always suspicious. Are they telling me the truth? or are they telling me what they think I want to hear? For example, I sometimes feel like the people at work don't really like me too much, I admit, I do complain alot, about the things that I perceive at work to be wrong. As a result, when talking to my boss, he says that he has no problem with me...but what runs through my head is, is it possible that he really doesn't like me, but is just telling me this because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings or doesn't want me to know that he doesn't like me...or is he telling the truth?

I guess I feel like sometimes people have hidden agendas.

So, having said that, this ties into another issue im having. Doctrine. I have, all my life, been in Churches or in the doctrine of the Baptist church teachings. We live, and die, and if you are saved when you die, you go to Heaven, if you are not, then you go to hell. However, I know someone who goes to one of the Church of God, Churches. Now I don't want to get into a debate over beliefs here, but, they have a different belief that what I have heard all my life. The issue here is, everyone says they are right and everyone else is wrong. My Church will say they have scriptural backing for what they believe, the Church of God person says they also have the same thing. Now, I am trying to figure all this out. Church of God believes that all of Gods laws are still in effect and that you should oberve the Saturday Sabbath and the holy days. My Church says that is not true anymore and that Sunday worship is now the what we should do.

You get the idea. This is difficult for me because I have a hard time understanding the Bible when I read it, as such, I look for commentaries and other websites to help explain it, but since I don't know which one is true, I don't know where to look and who to believe. If I go with my Church, what happens if they are wrong? If I go with the Church of God teachings, what happens if they are wrong, and, as in Galations, it says those who are under the law are cursed, yet, when I ask them about that, they have an answer.

All this that I am trying to say here is, with my inability to decipher things, having a hard time making decisions, and seemingly a trust problem, I don't know which way to turn.

So, day to day, I feel dull, in a haze, angry, doubtful and frustrated. I can't seem to connect to God. I pray, but because i'm praying for my own selfish reasons, maybe he's not hearing me. If I recall, isn't there a verse in the Bible that says that God doesn't hear the prayer of sinners? If this is the case, maybe because i've never actually been saved, that is the reason I feel like He isn't answering my prayers. I guess this is all my fault really, as it seems like I have no desire to serve Him. I know that sounds bad, but, I don't know why, but it's like, even if I ask Jesus into my heart, it's like I don't have any desire or motivation to do the things that He requires. Studying the Bible, seeking Him. I just can't seem to get myself to do it, at least not for the right reasons. I do read the Bible, but again, it seems it's only because I feel I have to.

I see people out in public from day to day, I see how normal they are. They have their own thoughts, their own problems, they go from day to day without any care in the world it seems. They are happy most of the time, I know everyone has problems, but for the most part, their thoughts are their own and their mind is sound. They wake up each day and focus on whatever problem the day throws at them, if they solve it, fine, if not, they can let it go, or at least not let it affect them.

I wake up, and from very early in the day, I am preoccupied with my OCD, mostly all day, unless I can let my mind wander to something else, but even then, if I do manage to let my mind wander, it's always in the back of my head that whatever thought or problem I haven't resolved is still there and I know that I have to eventually think it through.

Lastly, and I know this has been a long read. If you have stuck throught it to this point, wow! You are either really interested...or really bored and THIS is the most interesting thing you could find to read? lol

Anyway, one issue I have been facing lately that will not seem to go away...Embarrased to show people that I believe in God. For some reason, I cannot figure this out. I have had thoughts of openly showing signs of belief in God. For some reason, I get that embarrased feeling, I dont know if this is actually the way I feel, or just the anxiety talking. One example of this is getting down on my knees and praying in a public place, such as Wal Mart. Just walking in, dropping down to my knees and praying. This causes me to feel either fear or embarrasment, but I have a hard time deciding why. Is it because im ashamed of God? Is it because people will snicker and say "he beleives in God". Is it because people will look at me and say "what is he doing on the ground?" or "why is he praying HERE, in the middle of Wal mart?".

I'd like to think it's the latter, but I can't shake the feeling that it's the former. As a result, I have actually gone to wal mart...twice, and got down on my hands and knees, and prayed. However, I felt that I didn't do it right each time. The first time, there weren't many people around, so I started thinking I had to do it again, where more people would see. The second time, I knelt down next to a display case, kind of out of the way, and i'm not sure why, but I started thinking that I did it out of the way so not many people would see. So now, I feel that I have to do it again, but this time, it will need to be on a Saturday night at the busiest time, and out in the middle of everyone so that alot of people will see. This is how I will prove that I am not ashamed of God, but it's a frieghtening thing, and I don't know what the fear is. Again, not sure if it's afraid people will know I believe in God, or they will think im weird for praying in the middle of Wal mart.

Also, I have to do this in my dirty work clothes, I don't know why. I think maybe because I feel more exposed and will cause more embarrasment to myself by being on my knees, in the middle of wal mart, in my dirty work clothes. I don't quite know why I feel this way, and I know it sounds pretty far out there. I dont know.

The reason I feel I must do this? I think it hinges on the part of the Bible where Jesus says that if we are ashamed of Him, He will be ashamed of us in Heaven before the Father.

Anyway, I think I will end it right there. Im sure half of you who made it to this point are half asleep, and the other half who are awake are probably doing that blank stare into the screen thing thinking "wow, this guy is crazy!".

Im just looking for some clarity, and hoping someone here can help shed some light on some of these things. Does God punish people? Does He really want me to be like this? Does He want me to go through these mental obsessions? If I don't go to wal mart and pray openly, will He be ashamed of me in Heaven, causing me to not be saved?

I went through something similar. I used to suffer from OCD for most of my life. It caused me to set all these rules for myself to the point where I couldn't do anything at all. I couldn't function and I realized, this is not how God wants me to live. He came to set us free. God knows your heart. He's protecting your salvation because you've accepted Christ and because He loves you. I used to think I had to show people I was a Christian too, and I did some weird things. God is not weird. He is not creepy. He's not going to tell you to do something that is outside His character. There are times when it's appropriate to proclaim you are a believer, like when people ask or when you're getting baptized. God knows you want to please Him. He knows you aren't ashamed of the gospel. OCD reminds me of those annoying chain letters. God doesn't create chain letters. That's living in bondage. Christ has set you free.

Christian counseling and my godly friends really helped me beat the OCD. Have you seen a counselor before?

I had Scrupulous conscience most of my early life. God and I beat it when I was about 20. The key is to realize, all God wants or needs from you for your complete salvation, transformation, and empowerment, is your willingness to let Him. Anybody who cares enough about pleasing God to go through the trials you do about having done it wrong, is already pleasing God just by how much he wants to do it right. If you can get that in your head, you can beat this thing. Pick one thought, one OCD action, and simply refuse to do it. Then comes the important part, refuse to feel guilty. Guilt is not a feeling anyway, it's a reality, a knowledge that you have done something bad. Washing your hands 3 times instead of 4 times is not bad. In fact, not washing them at all is not bad. The trick is to believe that you personally cannot sin deliberately, since your willingness to be torutured as you have been, proves your desire not to sin is too strong.

What has happened to you is that Satan has taking control of your thoughts, by getting you substitute feeling guilty for being guilty. Stop responding to the feelings, and it takes a few months or maybe a year or so to break the cycle and get free. (The Scripture is "resist the devil and he will flee", Jmaes 4:7)

In the old days, when the churches were all cessationist, the spiritual teaching was that God only allowed Satan to do this to people, who had special calls on their lives. Now, of course, we know, everybody has a special call on their lives, because everybody is special to God.

thanks for the replies. i have seen a couple psychologists and have tried a couple different medications. it seems as if i can never find the right doctor, however. most of the time, cbt is recommended for ocd, and while most psychiatrists and psychologists CAN treat ocd, they really need to understand and be able to use CBT to treat ocd patients.

the doctors ive seen, ive not really been able to get much help from them. it could be my problem though, due to the fact that when i sit down with one, i try to get every bit of information out as i can, so i can fully explain what my problems are.

I have CDO - it's like OCD, but with the letters in alphabetical order.

Sorry, don't mean to make light of your condition. But I have an obsessive compulsion to crack jokes even in the most dire of situations. As a firefighter facing life and death situations there I'd be, making everyone laugh. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing. And the doctors always told me that was the least of my worries.

I agree with Ken's post. satan may manipulate your flesh, but God knows your heart. Keep your eyes on Him and, eventually, everything else will find it's place. Purification is a process, not an end result.

Seriously, I hope (and will pray) that God leads you to the right doctor(s) and treatments.

It's good you can remain upbeat in your situation. I'm not really sensitive about my OCD (or CDO as you call it It's just really frustrating and causes me alot of misery.

I don't have OCD, but maybe something of what I did about my problem I did have will help. So, here is my story.

I had things happen in my life that seemed terrible to me, and I was a baby when it started. I had a wonderful beginning and then came frightening things. My reaction to that was that there must be something very wrong with me, I must do something that makes it happen to me. I made good grades in school, I was told I should be in movies because of my looks, so I had to search constantly to try to find this terrible thing about me.

When I was 22, my mother finally explained my life to me. She had threatened anyone who would dare tell me, she was so ashamed. It was illness, and the illness was TB. In the 20's that was to be hidden for it would spread germs. She had to farm me out to whoever would take me, it was as simple as that. I wasn't the cause at all!!!

I learned that there are happenings that just happen. I didn't have to look for this mysterious something that made me all wrong. I was free. I knew that, but it didn't change my thinking or feeling about myself. it was so much a part of me, I had never had a thought without this as part of it.

I had just learned that thoughts were powerful, God's thoughts had healing power, and we can control the thoughts that come to us. We have a sort of running tape of thoughts going along all day long, our mind is never still. It is a good idea to monitor those thoughts.

So, one day it rained. My kids couldn't go outside to play. I was trying to monitor my thoughts and here is what I found. I was asking myself what I did wrong to cause it to rain!!! Here I was blaming myself for rain!! Obviously my thinking was off. I knew better, so where did something I did not believe come from? I decided it must be in my subconscious, and I certainly knew the steps I took to get this wrong idea in there.

It was in the 40's, there was no internet, so I went to the library. I got every book I could find on the subconscious mind.

I don't know what the information on it is, now, but then it told how it was programmed, and how to reprogram it if it gets things in it that are not facts. I think that the Lord gives us programming when He gives us the Holy Spirit. But for me, I had to get this idea of that I personally caused bad things to happen by being imperfect out of my mind, and learning how to program truth through learning techniques to do that certainly helped. Just my conscious mind understanding was not working to change my thought pattern.

Yes, that is correct RedTent. The doctors I have seen have said that basically OCD is a form of a habitual process. The more you give in to the anxiety, the more it becomes ingrained into your mind. Like anything, if you do it long enough, it becomes a habit. Breaking it, however, is an extremely difficult task. Most people would say "just think of something else, or just ignore it", but it's not that easy.

An analogy that was told to me once was this: Imagine you're wife and kids were on a plane, and you heard that the plane had crashed and only 50% of the passengers had survived. Imagine trying to force yourself not to think if your family were part of that 50%.

This somewhat describes the urgency that the anxiety makes you feel. It's not just an annoyance, it's a "must do" thing, and if you don't, it will pick at you and eat at you for a long time. Sometimes, you can get over it, and really, ignoring it is part of the process that you have to undergo in order to help be free of it. However, due to my OCD being tied into Scrupulosity, it makes it VERY difficult to ignore, or to say "no, im not going to do that/think that". Since I get the feeling that God will punish me if I don't, or perhaps He wants me to do this, saying "no" would be like telling God "no", or telling God "im not going to do this". It would be the same as disobeying God, and that also provokes the feeling that if I tell God "no", He will punish me, or allow/cause something bad to happen to me.

Because of this, I have a hard time with it.

I wish I could figure out if this problem is something that God is wanting, or if it's punishment for something ive done in the past, or punishment for my doubts, or because im a sinner, or maybe i'm not really saved, or punishment for something i'm doing now, maybe not reading the Bible and seeking Him like I should, not worshiping Him.

I thank you for your post.

This I can tell you for a fact. God wants this only as a challenge that you and He can overcome together. He does not want it to continue.

There are several proofs.

From Scripture, satan is the Hebrew word for "accuser". Satan is specifically called accuser in several places. Accusations do not come from God, so He is not causing the thoughts. At most, He is allowing them, as He did with Job.

From history of the church, as I said, before the restoration of the gifts, many spiritual direction texts discuss scrupulous conscience, and all agree that cure is God's will for it. They also mention that it sometimes takes a year or more to convince a particular person that he must refuse to allow himself to believe that he can sin on purpose.

From psychology, you said it yourself.

Scripture, the concensus of mature Christians, and science hardly ever agree on anything.

psychology says that you have the behaviors because of your illness, God says you have the illness because of your behaviors.

I suffer from OCD as well. My parents noticed it when I was about nine. It's made it more difficult to function is society, especially the workplace because of my expectations of order and my personal sense of fairness. Fortunately for me, I work for myself now and my wife has a decent income to supplement mine. Unfortunately, her chaotic behavior stresses me out.
Anyway, what really saved me is knowing I don't have to be perfect or in control of everything. That's what Jesus showed me. Only God's Love is perfect. And while I still have my issues, I continue to find comfort in God's Love. I pray you find the same.

Sam, the method I used to work on reprogramming my mind was to wait until my mind was very, very quiet. It comes with that feeling a floating just before you fall asleep. You are so quiet your subconscious can be reached when a TV program is so absorbing that you forget where you are. With practice and training yourself you can sit in a straight back chair comfortably and sort of sink into God's love. Then your mind can be reprogrammed, more with pictures than with words.

The pictures would have to be of your choosing. Perhaps a picture of you as not anxious, etc.

Those thoughts of punishment, guilt, trying to find something wrong with yourself are not from God. God's words are powerful for good. Just don't let those thoughts that aren't God thoughts in your mind, you can choose to do that. Replace them with memorizing God thoughts that we are given in the words of the bible.

This goes right to the root of the matter. All desease, whatever it may be, is the result of our behavior - because our behavior is rooted in the original sin. It is only our separation from God that has allowed the DNA and biological degradations that have resulted after all these millenia in our physically driven illnesses. So any healing plan must be twofold. First, get the physical help you need, be it medicine, therapy, or whatever. But also get the spiritual help you need, because all sickness dissappears before the Throne of God.