Nothing left but anger

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justahumanbeing

Well-known member
Mar 25, 2020
465
257
63
Thanks. And it's not like I'm saying I wasn't pretty. Just a plain Jane. And it's just something I've observed like Christian guys tend to like girls who are interested in being moms. Plus, I have put myself out there, a lot. And more often than not, I simply blend into the background 'cause I am very much an introvert and with that tends to come social anxiety. The more I tried, the less motivated I got. I tried an experiment one time where I went to a small party at this one small group leader's apartment. I said nothing and sat alone (again, let me reiterate, I was experimenting). After 30 minutes of literally no one coming up and talking to me, I left in tears and learned an important lesson. People may say they want others to be themselves, but they don't really mean it. People like images, not actual personalities.
You know, I'm an introvert myself. I was schooled in an all boys school and up to college it was all boys. Then in my masters course, I met women and had to socially interact with them for the first time in my life. I used to come home and have panic attacks. And it was a time when I had lost both my father and grandpa a couple of years earlier in the middle of my bachelor's degree course.My father passed a month after my grandfather did. I'll spare you the details of that as that's still hard for me to think about.

So, I was hurt. My friends were mostly elite kids with an elitist mentality. Rich, spoiled, weed smokers and they're bullies, mind you.

The first few years I knew them, I hardly used to open my mouth to talk to them in a group. But they were nice in some ways, else I wouldn't have stayed with them.

As I was into keeping fit, I didn't take after them with smoking, alcohol or weed. It really wasn't for me. I just enjoyed the company and understood human companionship being with my friends. But it came at the cost of my self respect at times. That's why my friendship with many of them didn't last.

I digress. I was talking about women in college. I've lost most of my hair now. But back then, I was a good looking guy with a severe inferiority complex. So, the whole of my 2 years in college with my masters program, I never spoke to any woman. Women used to pass me by talking about me and laughing at me. And there were 1 or 2 of them who did try to get my attention, but I seriously messed it up. I was emotionally bankrupt and in a very bad place in my life. I had problems home with hostile neighbours who were religious fanatics and they hated us for being Christians. I'm still living with them. God humbled them right in front of our eyes. That's our God, you know. He knows. He sees. He hears. We think we are the ones who control everything. No. God does.

Moving forward, I've met many women. I roll with them in bjj class. But still the introvert. I don't open up to women. And people in general. You meet me on person, we'll be having this conversation, 1 in maybe a million times.

I'm saying all this just to let you know that whatever it is you're going through, you'll survive. As long as you trust Jesus with your life, you'll be okay.

I'm still introverted. I can talk to people. But I'm not fazed in the least by their judgements. I don't do what people want me to do. Definitely not a people pleaser. But I believe in being good to people. To show love, forgiveness and practice my Christian values. Not the most perfect person. All I know is I trust Jesus with my life. Whoever comes and goes, He'll take care of me and will not give up on me. He is there with me in my life. In silence. Guiding me. I'm protected. I'm loved by God. This is my encouragment to you.
 

Joshua_783

Active member
Sep 15, 2022
207
112
43
Thanks. And it's not like I'm saying I wasn't pretty. Just a plain Jane. And it's just something I've observed like Christian guys tend to like girls who are interested in being moms. Plus, I have put myself out there, a lot. And more often than not, I simply blend into the background 'cause I am very much an introvert and with that tends to come social anxiety. The more I tried, the less motivated I got. I tried an experiment one time where I went to a small party at this one small group leader's apartment. I said nothing and sat alone (again, let me reiterate, I was experimenting). After 30 minutes of literally no one coming up and talking to me, I left in tears and learned an important lesson. People may say they want others to be themselves, but they don't really mean it. People like images, not actual personalities.
HistoryPrincess, I feel for you, that experience must have been very hard. :( I know when I am in really large groups I can feel isolated. It is a really lonely feeling.
 

Joshua_783

Active member
Sep 15, 2022
207
112
43
HistoryPrincess, I feel for you, that experience must have been very hard. :( I know when I am in really large groups I can feel isolated. It is a really lonely feeling.
HistoryPrincess, I would totally try to include you! If we were somewhere and people were not talking to us, we could go out of the room and visit somewhere else. Even go for a walk and talk.
 
Feb 20, 2016
1,154
266
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HistoryPrincess, I would totally try to include you! If we were somewhere and people were not talking to us, we could go out of the room and visit somewhere else. Even go for a walk and talk.
Maybe not out of the room, but yeah sure whatever.