Semut courage! Thoughts and feelings and God's unknown plan

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Jun 1, 2016
Life is crazy!!!!!!! I have been all around the world, experienced hardships and blessings from all kinds of shapes and forms. Sometimes it makes me feel different from others, I don't have PTSD, but I can see some triggers and I can control them, I ask for Gods direction and strength! His plan may not ever be known,,,,

but I do know what i feel! I feel as if I need to try harder, to become stronger in mind, body, and soul! To help the needy, to support my family, to heal my families wounds and fix their drama, to be the light that shines in the darkness, to show compassion and love to my soulmate.

PTSD is crazy, I tell myself i don't have it. I never got properly evaluated. When we returned from Afghanistan, we had to do a survey and go see a doctor. That survey has questions about your sleep, thoughts, and anything that could be a red flag. All the leaders said if you told the truth, you have to stay longer to get treatment. So we all lied so we can go home to see our families. I do not regret this! I did see soldiers who needed to tell the truth,,,,, they lied to go home,,,, then some of them committed suicide. :( My mind could be stronger, I want to finish college and earn my degree! I will soon be in my 4th college! I went to Georgia Military College, Armstrong State University, University of Anchorage Alaska, and now Georgia Southern University. My body is not what it is used to, I am out of the military and being a civilian again has taken its toll. I tried running but I just don't have the motivation as I once had. I'm thinking about getting a training or running partner. My soul seems lost, I am out of the military! I spent 6 years and I have dreams of it still. I played yu-gi-oh for over 13 years and used to love it! I had a lot of friends, but now they seem childish to me and I don't like hanging out. I tried doing a YouTube channel for this, and for a while it was doing OK! I was having fun and it was cool, but now its hard to find good content because the game seems to be dying. For the needy, I remember so many kids in Afghanistan! I miss them so much and want to help again. When i was in Alaska, I studied Social work and helped in a soup kitchen. I got to feed, cloth, and talk to the homeless there. Now that I am back home, I live far out in the woods. There is no place close enough where I can travel often, this kills me. My Family is broke and disorganized, we lost my Grandmother recently and she was the centerpiece of the family. We don't even know if we can handle Thanksgiving this year. I also have family drama that has separated my mother and her sister, and my aunt has been excommunicated from the family. She has done alot of bad things, and I mean A LOT. She is also my favorite aunt,,,,, I miss her so much. I wish she could gather courage to get the proper counsel. I feel powerless to help, I tried helping by talking to the members involved, but it seems that drama is covered in more drama that has its own forms of PTSD from the passed. There is so much darkness in this world!!!! Its not just Afghanistan, there are so many forms of demons and evil around us. I want to be a light that can shine! No matter who it is because I know that any stranger can have something terrible going on. Our social media is filled with so much hate! It is hard to watch the news as of late. We have so many crazy people out there with guns and ill intent! The Texas shooting recently made me so sad, I have to constantly Pray for the families that were effected. It seems our communities are not communities anymore, and believe that love, faith, family, and creating brand new friendships is key to fighting this evil!!!!! But where is this fight happening!!!??? We need more community events, more bonding, more diversity! I'm starting to believe that some of the evil is stemming off of the individualistic behaviors of the modern age, Facebook and other internet traps! We as people spend so much time and energy by ourselves, alone, and depressed. I pray we can change this as a country! My strongest feeling currently is for my soulmate, I cant stop thinking about her! She is the motivation for all my efforts to create a foundation, to provide that support. She is a Christian as well, and she has a very strong passion for making people smile with her creations! One day I hope to help her open a store, and we can use the excess to help people in need. That is my calling! But sometimes I can see that God's plans may be different, but i do pray every day that is his plan for me. I will steer onto this path and hope that I can make a difference, to show the world my mind, body, and soul!
Feb 7, 2015
It can get out of hand, Semut, so try to get a realistic handle on it.


Junior Member
Jul 7, 2017
First of all, thank you for your service. I know it is a tremendous sacrifice that few appreciate, but I do appreciate it greatly. I know how you feel. I remember returning from a deployment, and the first thing I wanted to do was to get as far away from everyone in uniform as I could and just be with my family. Just tell the questionnaire what I'm supposed to say, and then move on.

I can also feel your frustration in your post. It sounds to me like you still need someone to sit down and just listen to you empty what is still inside of you. Have you considered talking to a pastor or a counselor about the feelings you still have inside? If you need help finding someone, you can call this number. It's free, and a very friendly christian counselor who wants to listen to your needs would be happy to chat with you and maybe find some resources near you that can not only help you but also to help your family situation.

God does have a plan for you. Sometimes we need to just be still and know that He is with us. But, sometimes that is hard to do if there is still something inside of us that needs to get out before we can find that peace to listen to what God has in store for us.

I am praying you contact someone who can help you deal with your PTSD so that you can find peace in your heart.