T
Someone asked me to tell about one of the supernatural experiences that I have had; so here is one; but if you read this, be warned…some of this is pretty dark in nature.
***
I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember; much of it was brought on by my up-bringing. I never felt complete, and my endless searches to “be made whole” led me to some extremely dark, perverse, violent, and self-destructive places. But when the depression hit me the hardest, my thoughts drifted from inflicting harm upon myself to everyone else around me; my rationality became distorted and I wanted to make the world feel my pain. My almost every thought, if not ridiculously perverted, was soaked in blood, saturated with rage.
The one and only thing that ever stopped me from killing myself was a fear of Hell, but one night…I just didn’t care anymore, and I made a deal with God.
“God,” I said, “I’m tired. I’m so tired of this **** called life. You claim that you love me, but I have never felt any love from you, so this is what I will do. Two weeks…I give you two weeks to show me some sort of sign that you TRULY love me. I don’t want something vague or moderate, I want to actually SHOW me something undeniably supernatural…and if you don’t…I will kill myself (actually said with more course words). Because I don’t care anymore! All I want…is PEACE!!!”
I meant every word. And for the next week I planned my death, a part of me actually felt happy that it would all be over soon. But a little bit of panic came when a week and a half had passed with no sign from God…was God actually going to let me kill myself? Did He actually care so little for me that He would let me die…when all he had to do was show me that He loved me? Was that so hard? Was he REALLY going to let me slit my own throat…when all He had to do was this ONE thing? The thought…brought me even more misery.
The night of my miracle was the most terrifying, and emotionally taxing. There were only two days left before the end of the second week, and I had convinced myself that it was pointless to even wait anymore. But I wasn’t going to die alone.
I was living in Denver CO at the time and had to ride the Lightrail train home from work; I worked in a warehouse and had gotten in the habit of carrying around the Buck Knife that I used to cut apart boxes. On this night, while riding home I saw three drunk men stagger onto the train and sit three seats up to the right of me. For a few minutes in my mind as the doors shut and the train started to move, I saw with gory detail how I was going to slaughter all three of them, then sit beside them, and plunge my knife into my own throat. They were drunk and staggering; I had the element of surprise, I was faster, stronger, more alert…yea…I could take them all. They didn’t seem to notice that I was even there.
I pulled out my knife, hid the blade under my coat sleeve, stood up and started to approach them. Suddenly the train screeched to a stop, and electric doors to my right slid open…the noise broke me out of the trance I’d been in and for a moment brought me back to my senses. I dashed off of the train, having no idea where I was…running as fast as I could against snow and sharp-cold wind blasting me in the face…blinded by the darkness of the night and my tears. I ran and ran and ran until my lungs burned, then I stopped and just sobbed.
Out of the darkness a man suddenly appeared. I turned, fully intent on stabling him in the face, but as I turned he spoke, “hey man…got a cigarette.” I put my hands in my pocket and told him that I didn’t smoke, that I had enough bad habits that were going to kill me. He laughed…thinking that I was telling a joke. He then brought to my attention that we were standing next to a bus stop and asked for a couple dollars so that he could catch the next bus home. I reached over the knife in my pocked, pulled out two wrinkled dollars and gave them to him. The man’s eyes lit up…he was SO over-joyed that a total stranger in the bad part of the city would actually be so kind. He ranted and raved about how good a person I was. I didn’t say anything…just looked at him…he had no idea that he had almost died that night. Two second more and he would have been dead…and he didn’t even realize it.
I took the bus back to my rat and roach infested apartment, and tore the place up. I turned over the table, punched the walls, screamed and yelled at the top of my lungs. I ACTUALLY cursed God out! I flipped Him the bird…I SPAT up in the air toward Him.
“ALL I WANTED WAS PEACE!!!” I cried. “ALL I WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME…AND YOU COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT! I HATE YOU…I…HATE…YOU!!!”
I fell down on my knees and cried out. And in that moment…every single sound faded out or the room, at first I thought that I had gone def. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked around…my clock had stopped ticking…the roaches that had been scurrying across the walls were completely motionless…time…had ACTUALLY FROZEN. A soft light that didn’t even seem to have a source washed over me…and in that moment I felt absolute and total PEACE. A feeling that even far and beyond peace, every pain, worry and stress was just…gone. And in that moment it was like I could see every bad thing in my life that had happen to me, all these events were like puzzle pieces that came together to make this big absolutely beautiful picture. The picture was so beautiful because it revealed to me that every moment in my life…even the most horrific…had a purpose! A purpose that went far and beyond my feeble understanding. I felt as if my mind had ascended to a place that went beyond my flesh, beyond my human limitations, and everything made SO MUCH SCENCE!!!
Then the moment was gone. The sounds flooded back into my room, the hands on my clock started moving, and the roaches once again started scampering across the walls. I fell down on my face and started crying again, but this time they were cries of joy; I had never felt so much joy in my entire life then I felt in that moment.
Since then, I have searched for The Lord. I have still fallen, I have still made mistakes, gotten frustrated, but I have never stopped searching…desperately searching so that I could feel that peace again. And the best thing is…my deep depression was GONE. I have since become saddened by things, but the depression to the point to where I wanted to harm myself or anyone else has never returned.
***
I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember; much of it was brought on by my up-bringing. I never felt complete, and my endless searches to “be made whole” led me to some extremely dark, perverse, violent, and self-destructive places. But when the depression hit me the hardest, my thoughts drifted from inflicting harm upon myself to everyone else around me; my rationality became distorted and I wanted to make the world feel my pain. My almost every thought, if not ridiculously perverted, was soaked in blood, saturated with rage.
The one and only thing that ever stopped me from killing myself was a fear of Hell, but one night…I just didn’t care anymore, and I made a deal with God.
“God,” I said, “I’m tired. I’m so tired of this **** called life. You claim that you love me, but I have never felt any love from you, so this is what I will do. Two weeks…I give you two weeks to show me some sort of sign that you TRULY love me. I don’t want something vague or moderate, I want to actually SHOW me something undeniably supernatural…and if you don’t…I will kill myself (actually said with more course words). Because I don’t care anymore! All I want…is PEACE!!!”
I meant every word. And for the next week I planned my death, a part of me actually felt happy that it would all be over soon. But a little bit of panic came when a week and a half had passed with no sign from God…was God actually going to let me kill myself? Did He actually care so little for me that He would let me die…when all he had to do was show me that He loved me? Was that so hard? Was he REALLY going to let me slit my own throat…when all He had to do was this ONE thing? The thought…brought me even more misery.
The night of my miracle was the most terrifying, and emotionally taxing. There were only two days left before the end of the second week, and I had convinced myself that it was pointless to even wait anymore. But I wasn’t going to die alone.
I was living in Denver CO at the time and had to ride the Lightrail train home from work; I worked in a warehouse and had gotten in the habit of carrying around the Buck Knife that I used to cut apart boxes. On this night, while riding home I saw three drunk men stagger onto the train and sit three seats up to the right of me. For a few minutes in my mind as the doors shut and the train started to move, I saw with gory detail how I was going to slaughter all three of them, then sit beside them, and plunge my knife into my own throat. They were drunk and staggering; I had the element of surprise, I was faster, stronger, more alert…yea…I could take them all. They didn’t seem to notice that I was even there.
I pulled out my knife, hid the blade under my coat sleeve, stood up and started to approach them. Suddenly the train screeched to a stop, and electric doors to my right slid open…the noise broke me out of the trance I’d been in and for a moment brought me back to my senses. I dashed off of the train, having no idea where I was…running as fast as I could against snow and sharp-cold wind blasting me in the face…blinded by the darkness of the night and my tears. I ran and ran and ran until my lungs burned, then I stopped and just sobbed.
Out of the darkness a man suddenly appeared. I turned, fully intent on stabling him in the face, but as I turned he spoke, “hey man…got a cigarette.” I put my hands in my pocket and told him that I didn’t smoke, that I had enough bad habits that were going to kill me. He laughed…thinking that I was telling a joke. He then brought to my attention that we were standing next to a bus stop and asked for a couple dollars so that he could catch the next bus home. I reached over the knife in my pocked, pulled out two wrinkled dollars and gave them to him. The man’s eyes lit up…he was SO over-joyed that a total stranger in the bad part of the city would actually be so kind. He ranted and raved about how good a person I was. I didn’t say anything…just looked at him…he had no idea that he had almost died that night. Two second more and he would have been dead…and he didn’t even realize it.
I took the bus back to my rat and roach infested apartment, and tore the place up. I turned over the table, punched the walls, screamed and yelled at the top of my lungs. I ACTUALLY cursed God out! I flipped Him the bird…I SPAT up in the air toward Him.
“ALL I WANTED WAS PEACE!!!” I cried. “ALL I WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME…AND YOU COULDN’T EVEN DO THAT! I HATE YOU…I…HATE…YOU!!!”
I fell down on my knees and cried out. And in that moment…every single sound faded out or the room, at first I thought that I had gone def. I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked around…my clock had stopped ticking…the roaches that had been scurrying across the walls were completely motionless…time…had ACTUALLY FROZEN. A soft light that didn’t even seem to have a source washed over me…and in that moment I felt absolute and total PEACE. A feeling that even far and beyond peace, every pain, worry and stress was just…gone. And in that moment it was like I could see every bad thing in my life that had happen to me, all these events were like puzzle pieces that came together to make this big absolutely beautiful picture. The picture was so beautiful because it revealed to me that every moment in my life…even the most horrific…had a purpose! A purpose that went far and beyond my feeble understanding. I felt as if my mind had ascended to a place that went beyond my flesh, beyond my human limitations, and everything made SO MUCH SCENCE!!!
Then the moment was gone. The sounds flooded back into my room, the hands on my clock started moving, and the roaches once again started scampering across the walls. I fell down on my face and started crying again, but this time they were cries of joy; I had never felt so much joy in my entire life then I felt in that moment.
Since then, I have searched for The Lord. I have still fallen, I have still made mistakes, gotten frustrated, but I have never stopped searching…desperately searching so that I could feel that peace again. And the best thing is…my deep depression was GONE. I have since become saddened by things, but the depression to the point to where I wanted to harm myself or anyone else has never returned.
