Still not sure I can put it in words, but something deep within me changed.
I grew up on
"Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps."
"You can do whatever you want to do."
"Make something out of yourself."
"Make your mark in life."
"DO SOMETHING!"
And then I came smack face into, "No matter what I do, I cannot change."
I did NOT want to move, but moved we did anyway.
I wanted my parents to be happy. Mom left Dad and moved us again.
I wanted my family to be happy. We scattered to all the corners of America. One was disowned.
I wanted Mom to succeed in all the advice she gave me. She died.
I wanted friends and family. Every time we moved, I lost more of both. Every time I found new friends, we moved again.
What bootstraps? If I had bootstraps, someone else was manipulating them. Someone was moving my feet where I did not want them to go.
And I wasn't wrong. Someone else was manipulating them. He still is. His name is Jehovah. And he is the one who taught me, through love, that all things work for the good for those who are called according to his purposes. AND his purposes are the only purposes that matter.
45 years later, and I still generally do not want to go where he forces me to go anyway. BUT now I have 45 years of looking back and seeing if that didn't happen then I wouldn't have this now. (If Mom wasn't dying, I would have had no reason to question if there is a God or what he planned on doing about that. If I had transferred to Penn State or didn't fail at my major in college, I would have been at the wrong place in time to meet hubby. If I didn't have the world's-worse-job, he wouldn't have seen me at my worse to see if I was the one he wanted to marry. If he didn't break his back, he wouldn't have had time to study the word enough to change which direction we were going with God. If I didn't become disabled, I would have been working when he was on treatment and needed me.)
I'd rather have the wilderness experience with God than the rose garden experience without him. Good thing, since that seems to be the choices he's made for us. lol