Toxic husband taking it's toll on my health

[Cairparavel]

I know there is more to a toxic body than relationships, it's also what you put in your body...the types of food you eat. But I've been hearing lately about how toxic relationships can attribute to cancer, etc. I don't want to blame my husband for my adrenal fatigue, but he is a very difficult man to live with. He has a really short temper and gets mad at every little thing. When i'm in a car with him, it is extremley stressful..he yells at everyone for driving too fast, too slow, or when they cut him off he goes ballistic!

If i wasn't a Christian and didn't believe marriage was forever no matter what, i would've divorced him a long, long time ago. But now I'm seeing it's taking toll on my health. You can't change someone, all you can do is pray for them as much as you can. I feel so trapped. Like i said, i don't want to blame anyone, but i think my husband could actually stress me into getting things much worse than Adrenal fatigue, like cancer. We all have our crosses to bear, but my faith keeps me from leaving him because i know it's wrong. Let me get this straight - he is NOT emotionally abusive...he actually yells more when I talk badly about myself because he cares so much. He's told me countless times that "this is just the way I am. I'm a passionate person.I talk loud." I thank God he's laid of the booze these last couple years...that used to exasperate the problem even more...he turned into a real monster.

I finally solved part of my health puzzle by eating as healthy as possible and taking homeopathic supplements, but it probably won't matter that much in the long run if i'm married to someone who has serious anger issues. He completely denies this, however and says he's doesn't have anger issues...he said he's just very passionate and expressive and this is just a part of his personality I need to accept. "i'm just being myself" and "don't try to change who i am" I hear that a lot from him and he basically says i just need to accept who he is. He has already accepted me how I am. But the super-sensititve side of me still shakes/flinches every time he yells. I guess i've never gotten used to it no matter how hard i try.

It's really frustrating that i have no support system, like i don't haveone at my church yet, or have friends (Christian or otherwise) and i'm an only child so there is really no where i can go and seperate for a little while...not even a weekend to get away...hotels are wayyyyy out of our budget. So i'm really stuck. I guess i'm just asking for prayer for my husband. Because only God can change his heart, and by some miracle his loud "expressive shouty" personality too. I know miracles can happen.

 

[RedTent]

My daughter had to cope with this very thing. Sometimes she felt that leaving him was best, but she always just found some additional way to cope with it. She found that trying to change him only made things worse, so she simply accepted this was the part of him she didn't love and kept the things she did love about him in mind.

She found that it was better when she drove, although he attacked her too so she had to ignore his attacks on her driving. She would make a game of seeing how many blocks he could drive without a temper tantrum. They had a family room quite away from the living room. It was agreed the family room was hers to retreat to. He used the living room to make his angry phone calls, and watch the angry type war TV he loved, she used the family room for her TV and her many crafts. Sometimes she would find something to watch they could share in the living room. By not responding to most of his angers, she could bring up things they could share. If she felt she had to respond, she kept these things to a minimum and tried to simply take a firm stand on them with the least words about it she could manage.

 

[biscuit]

My daughter had to cope with this very thing. Sometimes she felt that leaving him was best, but she always just found some additional way to cope with it. She found that trying to change him only made things worse, so she simply accepted this was the part of him she didn't love and kept the things she did love about him in mind.

She found that it was better when she drove, although he attacked her too so she had to ignore his attacks on her driving. She would make a game of seeing how many blocks he could drive without a temper tantrum. They had a family room quite away from the living room. It was agreed the family room was hers to retreat to. He used the living room to make his angry phone calls, and watch the angry type war TV he loved, she used the family room for her TV and her many crafts. Sometimes she would find something to watch they could share in the living room. By not responding to most of his angers, she could bring up things they could share. If she felt she had to respond, she kept these things to a minimum and tried to simply take a firm stand on them with the least words about it she could manage.

How sad ! She deserves a gold medal for courage & strength. Not too many women would put up with such behavior.

 

[godtruck]

Well I "was" the same as your husband is currently (that's probably bad syntax). I had to let my life come to a boiling point at work and life in general. It was only when my supervisor sent me and paid for a psychiatrist to diagnose me did I realize what was ailing me. I realized I couldn't work there anymore, just too toxic of an environment. God used my unbelieving supervisor to start me down the road of healing and peace. So I quit that job after a while and have been relying on my wife's income for our family of 3. I got into counseling and started trying various meds. Currently I take depachote, zoloft and l-thyroxine. I am a different person. The anger has ebbed away and has been replaced with a calm and sort of a chronic sleepiness. But that's better then bursts of rage towards my family or road rage. God miraculously kept me from going to jail or being shot because of my anger. There were many terrifying instances where I was a wild man out in public---YIKES!
I'm going to guess that your husband was shamed or abused emotionally growing up. He probably inherited bipolar genetically like me. All that adds up to a very toxic and confused person. God can bring healing to him and you. I pray that The Lord would lay on your husband's heart the real need to seek professional and spiritual help. Sometimes things need to come to a head for this to happen to wake people like him and I up in order to get help.
In the meantime Cairparavel, you are going to have to find a sister(s) at Church or even a support group to come along side of you to help you continue. I'm sure if you talked with my wife you both could exchange notes on what it's like to live with an angry, angry spouse. If that would help you I'm sure my wife would be open to talking to you on the phone. Know that you are not alone in this and that The Lord is greatly honored by your testimony of long-suffering and patience. Things can change. In fact in life that's one thing we can count on. Things will change at some point. Be encouraged and know that what you experience has been and is being experienced by other children of God like my wife and I. May you feel The Father's arms gently wrap around you and know no matter how hard it gets, He is with you. There is a plan.
Lord God Almighty, I pray for Your mighty protection around their marriage and ask that You would beat back the dark forces that are trying to destroy her and her husband. Father, keep her steadily looking into your precious promises in Your word for comfort and relief. Bring about a transforming power in his spirit and life in Jesus' name so that this might bring about praise and glory to Your name Father! Guide Cairparavel to a support group of sisters that could love her and support her through these dark times. Give her the courage and stubborness to keep reaching out for emotional and spiritual comfort through Your body. Help her to take care of herself by eating right, getting enough sleep and exercising. I just pray Your blessings on her and her family and know You hear our prayers for her and that You not only hear our prayers but answer them for Your glory wonderful Father. In Jesus' precious name A-men!

 

[Esanta]

I know there is more to a toxic body than relationships, it's also what you put in your body...the types of food you eat. But I've been hearing lately about how toxic relationships can attribute to cancer, etc. I don't want to blame my husband for my adrenal fatigue, but he is a very difficult man to live with. He has a really short temper and gets mad at every little thing. When i'm in a car with him, it is extremley stressful..he yells at everyone for driving too fast, too slow, or when they cut him off he goes ballistic!

If i wasn't a Christian and didn't believe marriage was forever no matter what, i would've divorced him a long, long time ago. But now I'm seeing it's taking toll on my health. You can't change someone, all you can do is pray for them as much as you can. I feel so trapped. Like i said, i don't want to blame anyone, but i think my husband could actually stress me into getting things much worse than Adrenal fatigue, like cancer. We all have our crosses to bear, but my faith keeps me from leaving him because i know it's wrong. Let me get this straight - he is NOT emotionally abusive...he actually yells more when I talk badly about myself because he cares so much. He's told me countless times that "this is just the way I am. I'm a passionate person.I talk loud." I thank God he's laid of the booze these last couple years...that used to exasperate the problem even more...he turned into a real monster.

I finally solved part of my health puzzle by eating as healthy as possible and taking homeopathic supplements, but it probably won't matter that much in the long run if i'm married to someone who has serious anger issues. He completely denies this, however and says he's doesn't have anger issues...he said he's just very passionate and expressive and this is just a part of his personality I need to accept. "i'm just being myself" and "don't try to change who i am" I hear that a lot from him and he basically says i just need to accept who he is. He has already accepted me how I am. But the super-sensititve side of me still shakes/flinches every time he yells. I guess i've never gotten used to it no matter how hard i try.

It's really frustrating that i have no support system, like i don't haveone at my church yet, or have friends (Christian or otherwise) and i'm an only child so there is really no where i can go and seperate for a little while...not even a weekend to get away...hotels are wayyyyy out of our budget. So i'm really stuck. I guess i'm just asking for prayer for my husband. Because only God can change his heart, and by some miracle his loud "expressive shouty" personality too. I know miracles can happen.

Can I be honest with you? Waiting for a middle-aged man to completely change who he himself openly admits he is, is a recipe for disappointment. He won't change, and hoping he will is half the problem. You need to stop expecting him to change, and you need to say to him 'I need calm', and go and find some calm; a walk, a coffee, whatever it may be.

As for your 'adrenal fatigue', I have doubts about this. Cortisol deficiency is said to be responsible for adrenal fatigue, yet cortisol is the hormone that actually heightens stress. It seems more likely that you're suffering from stress, feeling trapped in a relationship that you know deep down isn't right for you, and your body is reacting appropriately.

 

[Esanta]

I know there is more to a toxic body than relationships, it's also what you put in your body...the types of food you eat. But I've been hearing lately about how toxic relationships can attribute to cancer, etc. I don't want to blame my husband for my adrenal fatigue, but he is a very difficult man to live with. He has a really short temper and gets mad at every little thing. When i'm in a car with him, it is extremley stressful..he yells at everyone for driving too fast, too slow, or when they cut him off he goes ballistic!

If i wasn't a Christian and didn't believe marriage was forever no matter what, i would've divorced him a long, long time ago. But now I'm seeing it's taking toll on my health. You can't change someone, all you can do is pray for them as much as you can. I feel so trapped. Like i said, i don't want to blame anyone, but i think my husband could actually stress me into getting things much worse than Adrenal fatigue, like cancer. We all have our crosses to bear, but my faith keeps me from leaving him because i know it's wrong. Let me get this straight - he is NOT emotionally abusive...he actually yells more when I talk badly about myself because he cares so much. He's told me countless times that "this is just the way I am. I'm a passionate person.I talk loud." I thank God he's laid of the booze these last couple years...that used to exasperate the problem even more...he turned into a real monster.

I finally solved part of my health puzzle by eating as healthy as possible and taking homeopathic supplements, but it probably won't matter that much in the long run if i'm married to someone who has serious anger issues. He completely denies this, however and says he's doesn't have anger issues...he said he's just very passionate and expressive and this is just a part of his personality I need to accept. "i'm just being myself" and "don't try to change who i am" I hear that a lot from him and he basically says i just need to accept who he is. He has already accepted me how I am. But the super-sensititve side of me still shakes/flinches every time he yells. I guess i've never gotten used to it no matter how hard i try.

It's really frustrating that i have no support system, like i don't haveone at my church yet, or have friends (Christian or otherwise) and i'm an only child so there is really no where i can go and seperate for a little while...not even a weekend to get away...hotels are wayyyyy out of our budget. So i'm really stuck. I guess i'm just asking for prayer for my husband. Because only God can change his heart, and by some miracle his loud "expressive shouty" personality too. I know miracles can happen.

Can I be honest with you? Waiting for a middle-aged man to completely change who he himself openly admits he is, is a recipe for disappointment. He won't change, and hoping he will is half the problem. You need to stop expecting him to change, and you need to say to him 'I need calm', and go and find some calm; a walk, a coffee, whatever it may be.

As for 'adrenal fatigue', cortisol deficiency is said to be responsible for adrenal fatigue, yet cortisol is the hormone that actually heightens stress. It seems more likely that you're suffering from stress, feeling trapped in a relationship that you know deep down isn't right for you, and your body is reacting appropriately.

 

[MrsClementMelton1122]

Hi,

I completely understand what you mean. For me, the closer I build a relationship with God it drives me further from my toxic marriage. My husband is the complete opposite, whenever he's upset or depressed he shuts down like a old Chevy. (lol) Not to make light of your situation. You should research things to do in your area that's free and try something new. Working out always helps me when I'm stressed out. I understand your husband loves you but if he doesn't love himself it will never work. I wish you the best and pray God reveals what your next steps should be. I hope this helps.

 

[Desdichado]

This has to be the most bizarre original post I have seen on the internet. That does include everything posted by David_1 and myself on this forum.

 

[Dar]

I completely understand how you feel. My husband is the same way . I hate to go anywhere with him because I know how its going to turn out. I try to not let it bother me but I can't help it. If I drive he tells we every move to make. I also have been told by my Dr that I have adrenal fatigue caused by stress. If I say anything to my husband he acts like I'm crazy that nothing is wrong with him. I have never met anyone so negative about everything. I have prayed for peace in my life. There's times I find myself acting like him and I catch myself and think this is not who I am. I try to talk to him about it but he only gets mad at me. His road rage scares me v but I can't say anything because he gets mad at me. I know he would never hurt me but I am so stressed I have seeked help for myself because he would never do it . I am sorry you have to go through this. No one knows what stress it can put on your body unless they have gone thru it. My prayers are with you. May God Bless you.

 

[jogoldie]

I dont know if this helps.....I was a single mom...and probably depended on my
oldest daughter for more than I should have....one day I called her from work...
and because she caught the phone the last minute.... the answering machine came on and recorded
our conversation....I was angry at something and the way I spoke to her was embarrassing...
when I got home I listened to this conversation and was shocked at how I was....loud...
angry.....my point is once I heard myself ......I thought before I spoke after that and made
myself aware of the effects on others.....I still to this day think before I speak....my lesson was
learned....