My boyfriend cheated, what should I do ?

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Gideon300

Well-known member
#81
Mar 18, 2021
5,336
3,147
113
#81
Apple7456 said:
hello- please let me know what you think.
My boyfriend cheated on me but apologized and begged for me to stay with him, he had previously texted a couple of girl in a way I didn’t really like before but then he apologized and stopped. We aren’t married yet. He is a Christian man that does a lot of good for people but had cheating in his whole family. He also spoils me but I’m afraid of the future.
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I hate to think how many "Christian" men are Christian until they get what they want. My daughter married one. She retains a vestige of Christian belief, but he has no interest whatsoever. They've been married for ten years and have four kids, so it's working. She cuts him a lot of slack and she genuinely loves him. He is a complex character, and I feel sorry for him. But it's how it has drawn my daughter away from the Lord that is most troubling.

Ask the Lord to show you the truth about this guy. Emotions can blind us. That is no way to enter a relationship that is supposed be for life.
 
A

Apple7456

New member
#83
Oct 1, 2021
19
8
3
#83
JohnDB said:
There's a reason why healthy relationships include independent community involvement...this can be everything from bowling leagues to the Junior chamber of commerce (Jaycees) or some other hobby group you engage with in a social capacity...and if course you should have active involvement with a group of friends at your Church. Even if the other person gets the church in the breakup. You still have people that you personally connect with there.

You can't haul a person off to the corner away from the rest of world and expect to have a healthy relationship with them. Sure my wife is my quarantine buddy(gratefully so) ...but we both miss our friends terribly...I miss mine and she misses hers.

Then there's the other groups that we usually have that have formed from our various interests. Old friends, new friends and family friends and of course family members. My Brother-in-law is upset because he lost his parents when he got divorced...(he too was a cheater) but not really....it's just that his parents didn't approve of his behavior and have a solid relationship with ex-daughter in law.

I'm sure that there's something that you like to do...from RC Airplanes to quilting or knitting or sewing or something that you can enjoy.

I enjoy a WIDE variety of hobbies and interests that form groups...and I'm quite happily married. But if anything ever happened and I lost my spouse there would be an army of support coming... unless I was a jerk and caused it to happen.
I couldn't stand much of that though as I detest being a victim or having victim status. And I ain't much for the guilty feelings either so I try not to be a perp either. Just saying...
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Magenta said:
People can do nice things for people without loving them, especially when there are ulterior motives. Do we as adults not all realize that sexual gratification is one of the greatest tempters of all time, motivating people to do all manner of unseemly things? I have not read this whole thread, but based on what little I have seen and my own experience in abusive relationships, the best way to start moving on is to take personal responsibility. Since you say you have left the abuser, try taking your focus off him. If your current activities' level is not great enough to accomplish that end, pick up the pace a bit, which I understand can be somewhat difficult during these covid times. Nobody would expect you to be able to get over him "just like that" meaning in a flash, so give yourself some time, as it is possible you may never completely erase him from your memory banks, and you know what? That should be a good thing, as in, lesson learned the hard way with him, and therefore, do not repeat, for you already know what comes after. Have you ever attended any 12 step groups? I ask because co-dependents anonymous may be suitable for you.
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Thanks for the advice but no what is the 12 step ?
 
A

Apple7456

New member
#84
Oct 1, 2021
19
8
3
#84
JohnDB said:
There's a reason why healthy relationships include independent community involvement...this can be everything from bowling leagues to the Junior chamber of commerce (Jaycees) or some other hobby group you engage with in a social capacity...and if course you should have active involvement with a group of friends at your Church. Even if the other person gets the church in the breakup. You still have people that you personally connect with there.

You can't haul a person off to the corner away from the rest of world and expect to have a healthy relationship with them. Sure my wife is my quarantine buddy(gratefully so) ...but we both miss our friends terribly...I miss mine and she misses hers.

Then there's the other groups that we usually have that have formed from our various interests. Old friends, new friends and family friends and of course family members. My Brother-in-law is upset because he lost his parents when he got divorced...(he too was a cheater) but not really....it's just that his parents didn't approve of his behavior and have a solid relationship with ex-daughter in law.

I'm sure that there's something that you like to do...from RC Airplanes to quilting or knitting or sewing or something that you can enjoy.

I enjoy a WIDE variety of hobbies and interests that form groups...and I'm quite happily married. But if anything ever happened and I lost my spouse there would be an army of support coming... unless I was a jerk and caused it to happen.
I couldn't stand much of that though as I detest being a victim or having victim status. And I ain't much for the guilty feelings either so I try not to be a perp either. Just saying...
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His parents don’t seem to really care much about the infidelity as in the same thing happened to his mom by his dad which added to the worthlessness feeling.
 
Anthony55

Anthony55

Active member
#85
Mar 8, 2021
182
90
28
Montpelier
#85
From the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’
I am sorry to hear this Apple. Obviously he has picked his desires over love for you and more importantly his love for Christ. Seems to me he has shown his true colors. Pray for someone to come into your life but have patience for it will be in Gods time.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#86
Jul 3, 2015
60,131
29,446
113
#86
Apple7456 said:
Thanks for the advice but no what is the 12 step ?
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You are welcome :) The 12 steps were developed by two men with the help of 97 other people, all of whom had seemingly insurmountable potentially life destroying afflictions over which they had no control. The prototype for the 12 steps originated in a Christian community (known as the Oxford Group) using solid Biblical principles; the further expansion of the original steps into what are now known and used all over the world as the 12 steps have been adapted and slightly altered (with permission) to suit the needs of multiple afflictions in hundreds of programs/fellowships geared to created a safe space within which to share one's struggles, challenges, pain, and explore your own history to discover the roots of your own afflictions and how such have manifested in your life, while finding inspiration and hope to likewise change your life to help you overcome whatever it is that ails you while providing you with a broad based community of like minded individuals who are willing to selflessly help you and even inadvertently support and inspire you with their own stories of personal growth, as they freely relate their histories, challenges, and victories.

You may have heard of AA? Alcoholics Anonymous was the original 12 step program, out of which grew Narcotics Anonymous about 20 years later, followed by the hundreds of adaptations which have helped millions and millions of people worldwide. There is an ongoing thread here that you may find helpful and contribute to as you see fit. Do not think you cannot be helped if you are not afflicted with alcoholism or drug addiction, for relationship addiction has much in common, which is why I mentioned CoDA to you. I have personally attended CoDA and have some of their literature, which is very helpful and elucidating, though my main program/fellowship for many years was Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous, the latter which I would say is really the best of them all :) Here is the link to the thread on Christian Chat about the 12 steps. I hope you read some of the daily meditations that Bob @Cabrillo (formerly calibob) is posting. The meditation readings can be profoundly helpful, as they get straight to the heart of the problem and use plenty of Scripture along the way, which can have the added benefit of improving your knowledge of the revealed written Word of God :D

CRA Christians in Recovery (anonymous) - Christian Chat Rooms & Forums
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#87
Jul 3, 2015
60,131
29,446
113
#87








I have been attending meetings for just over thirty years now (not so much during covid ;)). The first few years I went just to listen, as I had not yet found or been gifted the willingness to stop using mind and mood altering substances. But I did listen, even if I did not hear the solution, for that is not what I was listening for at first. When I started going to meetings, I was attracted by people telling the truth about their challenges and struggles in living life on life's terms, drawn to the truth I heard of their suffering, and the pain they experienced in their life situations, their perceived failures and inability to live up to other people's expectations, and even their own expectations. I listened to this for years, for they were articulating for me things I could not put into words for myself. I listened to find common ground, I listened for shared values, and I listened to find myself in their stories so that I could better understand myself and my own suffering, and it was a relief to find such places where these truths were being openly spoken. I had a lot to learn about having healthy boundaries, and how to start expressing my own feelings, and my own truths. That is an ongoing process, and I have made a lot of progress in learning how to live life on life's terms, and especially in turning to God for help, and relying on Him and His wisdom, and His plan for my life.
 
Subhumanoidal

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
#88
Sep 17, 2018
4,060
3,173
113
#88
Apple7456 said:
I’ll be honest, I used to be extremely confident but now I just keep second guessing myself. I just left but I remember all the good times we had and I miss them and I don’t want to feel jealousy if he moves on to another I want to not care but it’s hard when you’ve loved someone for so long. I want to get on on my own and grow like you said above but I don’t know how? What activities or things do I do to strengthen myself? I know it sounds like I’m defending and arguing but this relationship is all I’ve ever known. I want to feel like I’m worth more then I think about the good times and i think we’ll if he didn’t love me then he wouldn’t have done that nice thing or this nice thing. I want to stay away just hard.
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Hi Apple. Sorry for not responding sooner, I had some health issues and am now recovering in the hospital. If you're still coming to the site I'd be happy to respond.
 
M

merrimackwanderer

Junior Member
#89
May 21, 2018
2
0
1
#89
Apple7456 said:
hello- please let me know what you think.
My boyfriend cheated on me but apologized and begged for me to stay with him, he had previously texted a couple of girl in a way I didn’t really like before but then he apologized and stopped. We aren’t married yet. He is a Christian man that does a lot of good for people but had cheating in his whole family. He also spoils me but I’m afraid of the future.
Click to expand...
 
M

merrimackwanderer

Junior Member
#90
May 21, 2018
2
0
1
#90
Apple7456 said:
hello- please let me know what you think.
My boyfriend cheated on me but apologized and begged for me to stay with him, he had previously texted a couple of girl in a way I didn’t really like before but then he apologized and stopped. We aren’t married yet. He is a Christian man that does a lot of good for people but had cheating in his whole family. He also spoils me but I’m afraid of the future.
Click to expand...
Tell him to find someone else who has no self-respect. He will always be a cheater.
 
A

Apple7456

New member
#91
Oct 1, 2021
19
8
3
#91
Subhumanoidal said:
Hi Apple. Sorry for not responding sooner, I had some health issues and am now recovering in the hospital. If you're still coming to the site I'd be happy to respond.
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Yes I get notifications about it. I hope you feel better and recover soon. I will pray for you and your recovery.
 
Cabrillo

Cabrillo

Active member
#92
Sep 6, 2021
420
221
43
#92
Magenta said:








I have been attending meetings for just over thirty years now (not so much during covid ;)). The first few years I went just to listen, as I had not yet found or been gifted the willingness to stop using mind and mood altering substances. But I did listen, even if I did not hear the solution, for that is not what I was listening for at first. When I started going to meetings, I was attracted by people telling the truth about their challenges and struggles in living life on life's terms, drawn to the truth I heard of their suffering, and the pain they experienced in their life situations, their perceived failures and inability to live up to other people's expectations, and even their own expectations. I listened to this for years, for they were articulating for me things I could not put into words for myself. I listened to find common ground, I listened for shared values, and I listened to find myself in their stories so that I could better understand myself and my own suffering, and it was a relief to find such places where these truths were being openly spoken. I had a lot to learn about having healthy boundaries, and how to start expressing my own feelings, and my own truths. That is an ongoing process, and I have made a lot of progress in learning how to live life on life's terms, and especially in turning to God for help, and relying on Him and His wisdom, and His plan for my life.
Click to expand...
My WiFy hotspot has been giving me fitts. I don't know what the issue is. It seems to prefer before dawn and after dark. I hope that it will get better when I move. Today I was told that the move in inspection might be only a couple of more weeks. I've got more forms to sign tomorrow. With a little luck I may have a place of my own by Christmas.
 
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