M
Well, thank you for the welcome and understanding reply! And for the resource. I checked it out. I will keep checking it out from time to time. I have thought about teaching at that level, actually. The junior college near me is extremely hard to get into. It is rated one of the best in the nation (Central Piedmont Community College). I have applied several times but have heard nothing. I keep applying. I thought that with my Masters degree in TESOL, I would have a better shot at it, but apparently it is so competitive there that ... well, it is up to the Lord.
You are right about "crazy" people. My friends tend to be those with less-than-normal lives. The slightly off-beat or those with a different path tend to attract to me like a magnet. We share a common struggle and remain friends for decades... forever really.
"I don't blame you. Your mother did not know how to pick a spouse, evidently, and God hadn't had time to teach you yet."
In fact, it wasn't until I went to seminary in California that I began to see what a healthy Christian marriage was like through the lives of my professors. It was foreign to me; I had no idea. Of course, that was way after the beginning and ending of my 15 year marriage to the Moroccan through whom I had three wonderful children and lived seven years in Morocco. Hence, my heart for the Muslims. I loved Morocco; it was one place where I lived seven years, six of which was in the same house! Needless to say, Rabat became HOME for me. I really knew the city from one end to the other, and all the hard-to-find places due to the welfare work I did there. To find, seven years later, that my husband did something illegal at the level of the Palace, among royal family (I didn't know this until years later), devastated me. That is not quite accurate: what devastated me was the idea that we would have to leave Morocco. God told me quietly one day as I was driving past the Chellah and through the old Roman walls into the old city. I was seeing them as for the first time, or more accurately... the last time. I told God that I wouldn't say anything to my husband (Hassan) about it but that I would wait for him to tell me; that would be my confirmation that I heard accurately. Sure enough, only days later he said we had to leave Morocco but it was on the pretense of him having become a Christian (he is really a militant atheist). He left overnight with his brother and escaped through Tangier into Gibraltar, Spain and then arrived in London. Being the devoted wife that I was, and against the sounder advice of dear Moroccan friends who warned me not to join him, I left Morocco with my three children and my maid, feeling that my place was to be with my husband, unfaithful and verbally abusive as he had always been to me - for better or worse. Even though we had a Muslim wedding, MY Christian vows were in my heart. After many affairs, I had about had it with him, especially when he brought one woman to our home!
Still, as I attended Christian seminary years later, I prayed to know what it is like to have a devoted husband and best friend to share time with. Instead, I encountered a force stronger than I was, a sociopathic alcoholic who lied to me in the end, and I was left as an unwed mother. Dominic was born and loved without end. I married again to what I thought was a kind and dear man who seemed to love and accept all of my (then) four children, even the handicapped one. He asked me to have one more, so at 42, I did. Candace was born only to be promptly abandoned by her dad at three months. He decided to grocery shop two states away and never returned.
I have abandoned the idea of ever knowing a loving relationship; the Lord is the love of my life now. His purposes are what I seek more than anything. While I have dreams and goals and no way of attaining them, guessing that none of them are His will or at least not based in reality, I live day to day seeking His will and hoping He will make a way for me to see my youngest two into college so, at least, they can begin solid careers in their chosen fields of interest. Maybe they can create a stability that I was not able to give them. They do have faith. They have seen what the Lord has done for us and how much I have worked to provide for them, albeit inadequately.
I don't think I have a defeatist attitude as much as a more pliable willingness to accept the Lord's will for my life. I will always strive for something more in my life because, for me, that equates to growth opportunities. I choose joy - not always happiness or contentment (yes, I know the Bible says to be content with what I have... I struggle with that... it is an area where I need to grow or resolve... not sure which). Even in the midst of trials, we have moments of fun or peace together. As a family, we are striving toward their goals because that is what is most important right now.
Oh, as far as the four and a half jobs: Two full-time back to back, from 7 a.m. to 1 a.m., one driving job in-between and on weekends, and another very part-time on Sunday afternoons. I was exhausted but since none of them paid enough alone, I did it to keep us going.
The Lord is my strength. He always has been... even when I wasn't aware of His presence.
Oh, by the way... I have heard His voice, too, as you have. At least three times that I can recall. His voice is unmistakably recognizable. I long to hear more but daily fare while in this clay pot would only lead to taking His voice for granted... something I never want to do. I never want to be amazed when I hear it.
Stay blessed!
MEdMom2013
You are right about "crazy" people. My friends tend to be those with less-than-normal lives. The slightly off-beat or those with a different path tend to attract to me like a magnet. We share a common struggle and remain friends for decades... forever really.
"I don't blame you. Your mother did not know how to pick a spouse, evidently, and God hadn't had time to teach you yet."
In fact, it wasn't until I went to seminary in California that I began to see what a healthy Christian marriage was like through the lives of my professors. It was foreign to me; I had no idea. Of course, that was way after the beginning and ending of my 15 year marriage to the Moroccan through whom I had three wonderful children and lived seven years in Morocco. Hence, my heart for the Muslims. I loved Morocco; it was one place where I lived seven years, six of which was in the same house! Needless to say, Rabat became HOME for me. I really knew the city from one end to the other, and all the hard-to-find places due to the welfare work I did there. To find, seven years later, that my husband did something illegal at the level of the Palace, among royal family (I didn't know this until years later), devastated me. That is not quite accurate: what devastated me was the idea that we would have to leave Morocco. God told me quietly one day as I was driving past the Chellah and through the old Roman walls into the old city. I was seeing them as for the first time, or more accurately... the last time. I told God that I wouldn't say anything to my husband (Hassan) about it but that I would wait for him to tell me; that would be my confirmation that I heard accurately. Sure enough, only days later he said we had to leave Morocco but it was on the pretense of him having become a Christian (he is really a militant atheist). He left overnight with his brother and escaped through Tangier into Gibraltar, Spain and then arrived in London. Being the devoted wife that I was, and against the sounder advice of dear Moroccan friends who warned me not to join him, I left Morocco with my three children and my maid, feeling that my place was to be with my husband, unfaithful and verbally abusive as he had always been to me - for better or worse. Even though we had a Muslim wedding, MY Christian vows were in my heart. After many affairs, I had about had it with him, especially when he brought one woman to our home!
Still, as I attended Christian seminary years later, I prayed to know what it is like to have a devoted husband and best friend to share time with. Instead, I encountered a force stronger than I was, a sociopathic alcoholic who lied to me in the end, and I was left as an unwed mother. Dominic was born and loved without end. I married again to what I thought was a kind and dear man who seemed to love and accept all of my (then) four children, even the handicapped one. He asked me to have one more, so at 42, I did. Candace was born only to be promptly abandoned by her dad at three months. He decided to grocery shop two states away and never returned.
I have abandoned the idea of ever knowing a loving relationship; the Lord is the love of my life now. His purposes are what I seek more than anything. While I have dreams and goals and no way of attaining them, guessing that none of them are His will or at least not based in reality, I live day to day seeking His will and hoping He will make a way for me to see my youngest two into college so, at least, they can begin solid careers in their chosen fields of interest. Maybe they can create a stability that I was not able to give them. They do have faith. They have seen what the Lord has done for us and how much I have worked to provide for them, albeit inadequately.
I don't think I have a defeatist attitude as much as a more pliable willingness to accept the Lord's will for my life. I will always strive for something more in my life because, for me, that equates to growth opportunities. I choose joy - not always happiness or contentment (yes, I know the Bible says to be content with what I have... I struggle with that... it is an area where I need to grow or resolve... not sure which). Even in the midst of trials, we have moments of fun or peace together. As a family, we are striving toward their goals because that is what is most important right now.
Oh, as far as the four and a half jobs: Two full-time back to back, from 7 a.m. to 1 a.m., one driving job in-between and on weekends, and another very part-time on Sunday afternoons. I was exhausted but since none of them paid enough alone, I did it to keep us going.
The Lord is my strength. He always has been... even when I wasn't aware of His presence.
Oh, by the way... I have heard His voice, too, as you have. At least three times that I can recall. His voice is unmistakably recognizable. I long to hear more but daily fare while in this clay pot would only lead to taking His voice for granted... something I never want to do. I never want to be amazed when I hear it.
Stay blessed!
MEdMom2013