G
Hi everybody.
I came here 3 days ago because I felt the need to gain comfort and support from my Christian Family outside of my brothers and sisters locally. I feel that I'm approaching the most difficult struggle in my 49 years on the earth.
I've known Jesus as my Savior since I was 13. Making Him Lord is a continual struggle of deliberate obedient surrender. day to day, even minute to minute during the day. Can't say I've mastered it. For the 36 years I've known He's been so good to me. I've stubbornly departed from His will a couple of times, because I wanted what I wanted or I was angry at God for taking someone dear from me. I'm able to identify and own my "jonah times" as a result.
I'm currently unchurched. (I'll explain later.) The struggle I'm facing began 7 weeks ago when my wife of 19 years told me she wants out of our marriage. And she decided that I should leave our home. So after a month of living out of my suitcase and trying multiple times to reconcile, I now have rented a house 45 mins from her and my daughters. Starting a new household is harder than I remember.
We had been having a tough time in the marriage over the last 10 years. Fighting all the time, mostly over everything, but a good bit of it was because she was very controlling. I had no freedom to use more than $30 a week and she monopolized my time outside of work constantly. She didn't like for me to go to church because it took up 3 hrs on Sunday (hence the unchurched deal). She also was very emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive to me and our daughters.
When we met, I fell for her like a ton of bricks. I had been very frustrated because I had not found anyone that I could have a relationship with. 1 or 2 dates was all per person. Either I or the girls just didn't want to carry it any further. I even told God that if he didn't send somebody, I go find somebody. And we all know that he allows us a free will and I can't help but think that He was heartbroken because of my choice, and also laughing, knowing that I'd be back. He has a sense of humor...the evidence is that we have a sense of humor.
I went out and found my bride to be. My only standard was that she be a Christian. Joy was Catholic, so she had to be a Christian, right? Wrong. She was catholic but she had no heart knowledge of Christ. And still doesn't. So in my effort to avoid being unequally yoked, I fell for a lie and ended up unequally yoked with a non-believer. Don't get me wrong, there a many great Catholic believers. But my wife and her family were "cookie-cutter catholics", merely going through the motions and rituals with no faith or heart-knowledge of Christ's love for them.
So we got engaged and married 2 years after we met. And things were good to start with. She played along being a "good wife" to her paramedic husband. She ask me not to go out with my buddies and not hunt or fish too much, whatever, because she wanted me to be with her. And then we had our daughters and I took a job in pharmaceuticals. More money, better job, less risk of getting shot or hurt on the job, but also more travel out of town and overnights. So her noose got tighter, and virtually all my time away from work now became hers. No outside activities, I was a father now and my role as her husband and hers as a wife to me shrunk to nothing. Her choice was for us to be parents. Not lovers, not partners, not anything. Her only focus was the kids and her goals for them. And her want of material things.
I still loved her, although I missed not having her for me or with me. I made a vow and could not leave for any reason short of adultery and other than that the only end would be for her to leave me. So I stuck it out, loved her anyway and threw myself into my work.
In 1998, my father died. He was my best friend. We were so close that he could read my mind and tell me what I was thinking. I stayed mad at God for 2 years for taking him from me and I didn't pray or communicate with God in any way during that 2 years until He brought me to a place of exhaustion and spoke softly to me. He said,"I knew every day that your dad would live on earth. He wasn't there one day more, nor one day less than I intended. AND I would not have called him home to me if you were not strong enough to handle life there without him." So, it was then that He healed my heart that was broken while missing my Dad.
During all this I suffered from severe clinical depression and merely existed from day to day. It was easy for my wife to rule our home because I didn't. She controlled everything and all of us, I went to work, brought home the bacon and did what she told me to do. Not really a marriage or family. She also alienated my family (Mom and Brother) by finding fault with them, accusing them falsely, and because I didn't "stand up for her" to them, she refused to have anything to do with them or allow our daughters to have any contact with them either. And still I loved her.
Fast forward to this year, I came out of my depression and began to try to be a strong husband and take back some of the ground I'd lost over the years. I had complicated things 2 years previous in that because our physical relationship was virtually non-existent and I couldn't cheat on her physically, I began to surf the web at night and look at things that a married man, nor any man for that fact should look at. I'd surf after she went to bed and be very careful not to get caught. Well, I got caught by my youngest daughter. She of course told her mom (as she should have, I hold no fault with her) and things got even worse. We talked and agreed that we could get through this, but I know I hurt my wife terribly and my sin will always be a scar on her heart.
So I made the turnaround and repented, I became accountable to my male Christian friends and I installed Safe-Eyes on our home pc's. I opened all my computer and comms (cell, blackberry) for my wife and daughters to see anytime. I became as transparent as I could, but I still could not win the trust of my wife. My daughters forgave me. (They both are believers and have made professions in Christ as their Savior.) But Joy couldn't and became even more controlling and vindictive.
So when I began coming back and taking ground (lovingly I thought), she didn't like it and fought with me continuously. War is not a good place to live, for any of us. Until 7 weeks ago when she said she wanted out.
I am devastated. The only thing I ever wanted in this life was to have a marriage and a family like my parents had. Loving each other, raising kind and loving children and growing old together. That goal is now gone. Not my decision. I'm not mad a God. I'm just wondering why and what good purpose can He have by not saving my wife, healing our marriage and bringing more glory to Himself through it all? I know that in the end all will glorify Him, but I've never been so lonely and scared in my life. I pray and ask but all I can see ahead is a fractured family and life alone with no one to grow old with. My family (I'm now back in touch with Mom and Brother) and friends say that I'll be better off without her and that I'll be happy and life will be much more free and I can start over with someone new that God will send in time if He chooses. But I just can't see it. At 49, I don't know if anyone would want me and I can't imagine dating these days. And while my physical relationship with my wife was getting better, now I'm afraid she's doomed me to be celibate the rest of my days. And not having that intimacy with her is why I fell into pornography to start with (not blaming her, but I know my weaknesses.)
So that's where I am, and why I'm here.
Help.
GaJollyMon
I came here 3 days ago because I felt the need to gain comfort and support from my Christian Family outside of my brothers and sisters locally. I feel that I'm approaching the most difficult struggle in my 49 years on the earth.
I've known Jesus as my Savior since I was 13. Making Him Lord is a continual struggle of deliberate obedient surrender. day to day, even minute to minute during the day. Can't say I've mastered it. For the 36 years I've known He's been so good to me. I've stubbornly departed from His will a couple of times, because I wanted what I wanted or I was angry at God for taking someone dear from me. I'm able to identify and own my "jonah times" as a result.
I'm currently unchurched. (I'll explain later.) The struggle I'm facing began 7 weeks ago when my wife of 19 years told me she wants out of our marriage. And she decided that I should leave our home. So after a month of living out of my suitcase and trying multiple times to reconcile, I now have rented a house 45 mins from her and my daughters. Starting a new household is harder than I remember.
We had been having a tough time in the marriage over the last 10 years. Fighting all the time, mostly over everything, but a good bit of it was because she was very controlling. I had no freedom to use more than $30 a week and she monopolized my time outside of work constantly. She didn't like for me to go to church because it took up 3 hrs on Sunday (hence the unchurched deal). She also was very emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive to me and our daughters.
When we met, I fell for her like a ton of bricks. I had been very frustrated because I had not found anyone that I could have a relationship with. 1 or 2 dates was all per person. Either I or the girls just didn't want to carry it any further. I even told God that if he didn't send somebody, I go find somebody. And we all know that he allows us a free will and I can't help but think that He was heartbroken because of my choice, and also laughing, knowing that I'd be back. He has a sense of humor...the evidence is that we have a sense of humor.
I went out and found my bride to be. My only standard was that she be a Christian. Joy was Catholic, so she had to be a Christian, right? Wrong. She was catholic but she had no heart knowledge of Christ. And still doesn't. So in my effort to avoid being unequally yoked, I fell for a lie and ended up unequally yoked with a non-believer. Don't get me wrong, there a many great Catholic believers. But my wife and her family were "cookie-cutter catholics", merely going through the motions and rituals with no faith or heart-knowledge of Christ's love for them.
So we got engaged and married 2 years after we met. And things were good to start with. She played along being a "good wife" to her paramedic husband. She ask me not to go out with my buddies and not hunt or fish too much, whatever, because she wanted me to be with her. And then we had our daughters and I took a job in pharmaceuticals. More money, better job, less risk of getting shot or hurt on the job, but also more travel out of town and overnights. So her noose got tighter, and virtually all my time away from work now became hers. No outside activities, I was a father now and my role as her husband and hers as a wife to me shrunk to nothing. Her choice was for us to be parents. Not lovers, not partners, not anything. Her only focus was the kids and her goals for them. And her want of material things.
I still loved her, although I missed not having her for me or with me. I made a vow and could not leave for any reason short of adultery and other than that the only end would be for her to leave me. So I stuck it out, loved her anyway and threw myself into my work.
In 1998, my father died. He was my best friend. We were so close that he could read my mind and tell me what I was thinking. I stayed mad at God for 2 years for taking him from me and I didn't pray or communicate with God in any way during that 2 years until He brought me to a place of exhaustion and spoke softly to me. He said,"I knew every day that your dad would live on earth. He wasn't there one day more, nor one day less than I intended. AND I would not have called him home to me if you were not strong enough to handle life there without him." So, it was then that He healed my heart that was broken while missing my Dad.
During all this I suffered from severe clinical depression and merely existed from day to day. It was easy for my wife to rule our home because I didn't. She controlled everything and all of us, I went to work, brought home the bacon and did what she told me to do. Not really a marriage or family. She also alienated my family (Mom and Brother) by finding fault with them, accusing them falsely, and because I didn't "stand up for her" to them, she refused to have anything to do with them or allow our daughters to have any contact with them either. And still I loved her.
Fast forward to this year, I came out of my depression and began to try to be a strong husband and take back some of the ground I'd lost over the years. I had complicated things 2 years previous in that because our physical relationship was virtually non-existent and I couldn't cheat on her physically, I began to surf the web at night and look at things that a married man, nor any man for that fact should look at. I'd surf after she went to bed and be very careful not to get caught. Well, I got caught by my youngest daughter. She of course told her mom (as she should have, I hold no fault with her) and things got even worse. We talked and agreed that we could get through this, but I know I hurt my wife terribly and my sin will always be a scar on her heart.
So I made the turnaround and repented, I became accountable to my male Christian friends and I installed Safe-Eyes on our home pc's. I opened all my computer and comms (cell, blackberry) for my wife and daughters to see anytime. I became as transparent as I could, but I still could not win the trust of my wife. My daughters forgave me. (They both are believers and have made professions in Christ as their Savior.) But Joy couldn't and became even more controlling and vindictive.
So when I began coming back and taking ground (lovingly I thought), she didn't like it and fought with me continuously. War is not a good place to live, for any of us. Until 7 weeks ago when she said she wanted out.
I am devastated. The only thing I ever wanted in this life was to have a marriage and a family like my parents had. Loving each other, raising kind and loving children and growing old together. That goal is now gone. Not my decision. I'm not mad a God. I'm just wondering why and what good purpose can He have by not saving my wife, healing our marriage and bringing more glory to Himself through it all? I know that in the end all will glorify Him, but I've never been so lonely and scared in my life. I pray and ask but all I can see ahead is a fractured family and life alone with no one to grow old with. My family (I'm now back in touch with Mom and Brother) and friends say that I'll be better off without her and that I'll be happy and life will be much more free and I can start over with someone new that God will send in time if He chooses. But I just can't see it. At 49, I don't know if anyone would want me and I can't imagine dating these days. And while my physical relationship with my wife was getting better, now I'm afraid she's doomed me to be celibate the rest of my days. And not having that intimacy with her is why I fell into pornography to start with (not blaming her, but I know my weaknesses.)
So that's where I am, and why I'm here.
Help.
GaJollyMon
