Prissyeyes,
This is really difficult for me to read because I firmly believe that women should not make martyrs of themselves. If your husband hates you, then why not find a man that will love you? For your husband to tell you that he made a mistake in marrying you right after your honeymoon is abusive. My question is, "Why would you want to be abused?" Marriage is a contract. If the relationship is toxic, then take legal measures to get out of this contract.
I know it's hard to consider divorce. I married a man last year hoping that I would be unconditionally loved. Little by little, he began putting me down, criticizing me, and judging me harshly. It only got worse as time went on. As time went by, I kept feeling that this relationship was toxic. It hurt. He hurt me. I thought about divorce, but then let fear stop me: "What would the church members think? How can I get divorced after only one year? If I stay, I'll be better off financially. What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? I can't bear to feel the pain of lonliness again. etc.. etc.." Let me give you an example of the abuse. This past March, my sister invited me over to her home to celebrate Easter. I told my husband a month in advance that I was going to my sister's home for Easter. He said nothing and did not show any signs of disapproval. The day before Easter, my sister suggested that I drive to her home ( an hour and a half away) so that I wouldn't be late on Easter morning. My husband worked nights from 3pm until 5am. He wasn't around for me to discuss it with him. Honestly, I didn't think I had to discuss it with him. I am an intelligent adult. It seemed reasonable for me and my daughters to leave the night before so that I wouldn't run late Easter morning. I left him a note. Easter was so full of activies and by the time my sister and I finished dinner, it was almost 9pm. My sister suggested that I not drive that late at night since I was tired and sleepy. For safty sake, I decided to stay at my sister's home that evening. I called my husband's cell. He didn't answer, so I left him a message. When I returned home, he really let me have it. He yelled at me telling me ridiculous things like, "You think I'm a fool while you're out there sleeping with some guy! You're playing me for a fool! It is your responsibility as my wife to be here! It is your obligation to be home!" He went on and on putting me down and attacking me. I looked at him like he was crazy because he was! I told him, "You're not mad at me because I haven't done anything wrong. I told you in advance where I would be. I called to let you know that I was staying at her home. You're not mad at me, you're mad at the negative ideas you've made up in your own head." My poor daughter banged on our bedroom door scarred as she begged for him to stop yelling at me. Etc.. etc... This is just an example of the verbal abuse he subjected me to over and over again for a year. Finally, I said "Enough is enough! My life and the life of my children is my responsibility. Either I stand up for myself and get myself out of this toxic situation or I play the victim and stay." I'm no victim. I believe life is what you make of it, and if I was being abused, it was because I stayed to take the abuse. Needless to stay, I left. I said, "God, I don't know if it is wrong for me to leave, but you have given me free will and agency. I am going to use my free agency to protect myself and my children from abuse. Forgive me Heavenly Father, but I can't stay with this abusive crazy man." I left and filed for divorce last month. After I moved, I felt such peace. The world looked so beautiful. I had almost forgotten what a normal healthy peaceful beautiful life was. When I was in the disfunctional relationship, I didn't know if divorce was the right answer. Now that I am out of that toxic relationship, I know it was the right answer. I don't believe God wants us to be with men that hurt us, hate us, or abuse us in any way. I believe God is a loving God. He wants the best for us. If your husband makes you feel terrible, then that is not the best for you.
Pray about it, talk to your church leaders, and get some therapy. Talk to people that care about you and trust God in helping you make the best decision.
Love,
Guacamole
