Yeraza_Bats testimony

I havent actually /really/ shared how I came to Christ here before. In fact I havent really done it publicly online before, and only a few times to other followers a few times online. And I got mixed responses, many of them just never really messaged me back after asking me how I came to Him. I am not entirely sure why, though it is true to say that I was put through something terrifying in order to lead me to Him, and maybe not everyone wants to believe that God does these things in order to make us realize that we need Him more than anything. I HAVE shared my testimony in the real world with other Christians, however, and almost all of them listened to me, and responded extremely well to my testimony and one of them even introduced me to another Christian who went through the same thing I did.

I havent posted it here yet, though. A big part of the reason is because it is actually somewhat of a long story, or rather, Im not good at explaining things with as few words as possible, so I always kind of imagined no one would even read it anyways I also kinda wonder at some of the responses Id receive, maybe someone wouldnt like the story of what happened to me, and would want to say very negative things in response to me. But thinking about it, thats a pretty weak reason to not do this


But, I do believe its important for me to share what happened to me with other followers of Christ, because I believe a big reason why God does these things is for us to share with others in order to encourage their faith in Him.
I will try my hardest to make this as short as possible, though. But it will probly be a bit long I will also break it up into paragraphs in order to not blind those who read it

I do hope that you will read it until the end.


1) Okay, so as most people here know, I come from the transgender and homosexual lifestyle. That goes back very far to the time I was just a child, I remember having those thoughts when I was just a little kid, and fantasizing about being the opposite gender and all of that stuff. When I got a little older, I met a satanist who was a friend of my little brother named James. He met me, and for some reason became friends (satan can guide us to people to lead us away from God, just as God can guide us to Him :/) and he gave me his satanic bible. I read the entire thing, and in my rebellious and totally unwise no-nothing teenage life, I decided to jump on that wagon with him and follow along. I got into some bad things, started wearing all black clothes and listened to awful music, and took on beliefs that I knew were terribly evil. I followed this life for about a year and a half, and I started practicing communicating with the what I thought was the dead with another friend I had met who had this interest as well, named Derick. We found my sisters ouiji board, and talked to whoever would answer us, and it didnt take long to get a response. It was a spirit who claimed to be a british woman who had killed herself, and seemed very interested in getting to know me.



2) We communicated with the spirit for some time, and asked it stupid things a child would ask, and it encouraged our belief that there was no God, and that when we died we just wandered the earth as ghosts with no condemnation whatsoever. It then said it wanted to continue talking with me. I asked how we could, and it explained to me that I could talk with it using pen and paper, to do what we did with the ouiji board, but let the spirit control my arm and write to me that way. So, not knowing what I was doing or who was actually in control of the writing, I did it when I got home. I left dericks, and btw, that morning when we woke up, he became extremly ill, and after that night he literally never talked to me again ever. But I went home, and I continued communicating with this spirit. It told me that it was "in love with me", and wanted me to kill myself so we could be together forever. I thought about it, but I never actually wanted to do such a thing, I had dreams in life that I wanted to acheive so I never actually did it. It would continue pushing me to do it, but I never did it and eventually stopped talking with the spirit.



3) A few months later, I brought this new "ability" I had learned to James, and he seemed very excited. We did it together and met another girl who had killed herself, and this time was from a small town in our state. We talked to her, and once again this spirit seemed interested in only me, and with James there with us, it told me to kill myself and be with her forever. I again continued on talking with this spirit, but never did it and eventually stopped doing it once more for a long while.



4) Near the end of my "satanist" phase as a child, I began having weird dreams and anxieties. I kept having these dreams about what was going to happen to me when I died, I remember a couple well, there was one where I was talking to my mother about God, she was trying to tell me how important it was that I come to Him and repent, and I scoffed at Him, and when I did I remember in my dream having a sudden painful heart attack, and my mother grew angry and told me that I was never to scoff at the Lord, in a very serious and scary tone. And another one, I remember looking out from a mountain, and I could see fire falling from the sky, and the entire world was burning. I remember feeling how extremely serious this was, and I remember looking down at a hill beneath me, and I saw Christ, in white robes, with a light shining down on Him. And he had a small flock of like 10 people circled around Him, all bowed on their knees to Him, and I remember seeing them all ascend into the light, and leaving safely. And I remember well taking notice how I was left to burn on the earth. And it was around then that I started to feel maybe I wasnt following the right path, and that I needed to leave my evil ways, and I finally at that point began to question "what is actually going to happen to me when I die?"



5) It wasnt long after these dreams that I began losing faith in whatever it was I believed the devil was, and I started to actually consider the God of Abraham. But I had like no actual idea of who He was, so I wasnt really sure what I should do. I remember riding the bus one day to school, and I was considering my friends I had at the time, they were all terrible people who would steal from you and spread rumors about you and other horrible things, and I strongly felt that I needed to get away from them, right now. I considered God, and I made a somewhat prayer to Him to help me find a good friend, someone like me that I could be with and would be good to me. And literally, like that day, there was a Christian guy who I kinda knew from another friend named Michael. I would often see him in the morning with another friend, and we would talk occasionally, but never really knew each other at all. But that morning he decided to really get to know me. And after that we became like seriously good friends. When we first met, we were kinda stand offish, and if you asked him this, he would totally confirm it, and tell you we had absolutely no earthly reason to ever have become friends



6) So, I learned more about Michael, learned that he like liked all the same stuff I did, and found out that we were seriously like the best pair of people to become friends that had ever existed We began to spend every moment outside of school together. He eventually would talk to me about God, and at first I would argue, but he took it well, often rebuking me with a question that would totally stump me And if it got too heated hed drop it and change the subject with a joke I had at this time began to realize the importance of righteousness, that one could not be "evil", that it was the worst possible path for the earth to take, and I did start to have a true desire to be good, to love others, to have sympathy, to care for those around me, to be kind and helpful, and to consider others with every action. And although this seems small, I do think it was a major incident in my life, I had begun to understand, just a little even though I was still not with God, that being righteous was in fact that best path to take.



7) I was still struggling with God, however. I did still have the whole transgender thing in my life, and still dreamed of living that out one day, and not knowing God yet, still was confused on why something so "harmless" could be evil. And through this, I did let myself continue wandering away from God again, and even for a bit decided that good was right and all, but God wouldnt care about things like wanting to be something you arent, and even decided to not believe in God at all. And once again, I began to have these fears and anxieties, and this time even worse than before. I one day even just knew I was going to go to hell when I died, and out of no where I began to really fear dying, and knew I had to find help. I didnt know why I was going through this, I only know that I had begun to feel terrified.



8) So, one night, I was in fear of what was happening to me, and I kept thinking about God, and Christ, and who they were, and started to consider maybe I didnt even know who He was, and that I needed to truly reach out to Him. So I did, I totally broke down. I ended up in tears on my bed, and called out to Him. I talked to Him about how I didnt know what was happening, and that I knew that I had messed up as a young teenager. I talked to Him about how I was afraid and that I wish I had never followed that path. I asked Him over and over to help me not be scared, and to please forgive me. I did it over and over, and then completely out of no where, I felt like all the weight on me had been taken off of me, and I felt totally over joyed, like filled with energy that I wanted to get up on my bed and dance I had never felt so overjoyed in my life. And I then heard a voice in my head, and it said to me "You have already been forgiven".



9) To this day those words have stuck with me, and I think I understand their meaning. I was pleading over and over in my bed that night to be forgiven, like I refused to believe I could be, and thought I was doomed. I believe this was God reassuring me that I need not ask Him again, that the moment I came to Him and sought His mercy, that He had already given it to me. And right at that moment I totally rejoiced in His name, and I promised myself that I would always believe in Him, that I knew that Christ was true, that I had seen and had been given proof, and that I would never not believe in Him again. And I can tell you that I kept that word, to this day I have been 100% aware that He is in fact true, and no one has been able to lead me away from Him again :3


BUT!


This is not the end of the story :/



10) I am sad to say that though I did at that moment /believe/ in Him, I was STILL not aware that I truly had to give my life to Him. This happened when I was 20, and since then I have kept my word that I would believe in Him no matter what. But I still hadnt began to seek Him, in His word. I was still living with my desires. The whole "being a girl" thing was /still/ my focus, and as I began to fall into sexuality, I had walked into homosexuality, and began following that too. I walked into that life fully now, and became a passionate defender of the lbgt movement. I forced it on everyone I knew, including my best friend Michael, and of course he was not happy, and this only fueled my belief that I was right and the Christian community didnt get it. So I mixed my belief in Him with my lbgt life, and spread the word that the lbgt could live that life and be with God. I also finally began to live out my "dream" at this time, I changed my name to Jessica, and started dressing as a girl everywhere I went.




11) And, still not understand God at all yet, I decided to try to get back into auto writing, the act of letting a spirit use you to write to you and others. This was around the time shows like Ghost Hunters and Ghost Adventures were HUGE, and my family were big fans of these shows, and I became one too. I became obsessed with ghosts, and still not knowing what was true, I thought back to those spirits I had communicated with in the past, and thought about how I could do that again, but lead these "people" to God. So I did it, and the spirit who was following me totally decided to play along, and pretened to be people seeking God. So I told them to pray and all this, and then I remember one I was talking to then started to try and scare me, it called me by the name my mother and father had given me, and told me I was going to die, and said other horrible things. STILL NOT KNOWING who I was talking to, I got scared and stopped, but then decided it must have been a "bad ghost" and figured I would ignore it and try it again. I did, and this time I met the spirit of a man named Arni. He of course killed himself, and was a gay man who wanted to be with me. He didnt tell me to kill myself, but instead incouraged me to continue writing with him, and be with him that way. And I did.




12) And about two weeks later, I began to hear voices in my head. It was the voice of Arni. I wasnt scared either, which probly seems weird, but I almost felt it was totally normal. I mean, I was already communicating with him through the pen and paper, and I believed he was there, so I decided it must be normal to occasionally hear his voice. But it became awful not long after, I began to hear it all the time and all day long. And it became mean, it would say bad things about me, about being transgender, and it would make me angry. I still believed it was a ghost of a man though. I decided to enjoy my life, and just try hard to not listen to the voice in my head anymore. I lived on regardless, and I found a boyfriend on a video game fan forum, and went on living my life and even enjoying it despite this. And I did it until May of 2014.



13) The voice had pretended to be many other people at this time, and I had begun to believe I must be a psychic, even though every voice just insulted me for being transgender :/ But then on that day in May, the voice changed. It wasnt just some voice saying mean things, it then became a loud and terrifying voice, I began to not hear it in my head either, I could actually hear it in my ears, like as if someone were talking to me in another room, and I couldnt see them. I could hear what the voice sounded like, and it was loud, and screaming at me. It wasnt talking like a person anymore.



14) It was now saying things like "welcome to hell" and "your gonna burn" and "youre f***ed", and it was loud, and I started to feel extreme fear and anxiety unlike anything I have ever felt. When I begged God to help me, it would laugh at me and tell me to go ahead and pray, that God wasnt listening to me anymore. It would tell me about how so many people are saved every day, but it was too late for me, that I had condemned myself with my life I had been living. It was the most horrible thing I had ever felt. It really tormented me, it caused me pains and heaviness on my chest, it wouldnt let me sleep, I literally went days and days with zero sleep, and at times it would even cause me serious pain in my head. It would talk about how it was going to destroy me, how I was gonna cry and beg, and how it was gonna hurt me. I cant describe how horrible and terrifying it was. I would beg God for help, and one night I was so scared that I grabbed my bible and begged God to show me something to help me. I then just flipped my bible open to any page, letting it open itself. And when the page stopped I closed my eyes and put my finger anywhere on the page it landed.



Now, keep in mind, when I did this, I was in extreme fear. I did not think about writing down what verses I was shown, I was just looking for help. I do remember a few of them, and will share them, but I dont remember all of them.

15) The first verse I was shown, I dont remember which verse it was, but it was a verse that talked about when we leave God, He then leaves us too. I didnt understand though, not knowing His word, I believed I was following Him merely by believing in Him. So I asked for another verse to explain what He meant, and did it again. And He did explain it.



16) This time, I know the verse He gave me It was deuteronomy 22:5 - A man shall not wear the cloak of a woman, and a woman shall not wear the garments of a man, for the Lord detests those who do this
Haha, my jaw dropped when I opened my eyes and read this verse my finger was on This was clearly reffering to my transgender lifestyle I couldnt believe it. I asked for more help, really just to find comfort And I got a verse in Isaiah that said that when a man learns the law and follows it, he will not die. But when a man learns the law and does not follow it, he will die. And I asked about my name, and was shown the story of how John was given his name, that his family wanted him to be named after Zacariah, but his mother and father wanted to follow God and name him John, and when the father wrote "his name will be John", the Lord gave him the ability to speak again, and the whole family praised God.



17) I have come to God ever since that night with my bible, I did throw away all my transgender things, all my clothes, my trans flags and banners, all my pins and buttons, my transgender character idols I had collected. I told my mom what had happened, and I changed my name back to what I was given at birth. It wasnt easy, sadly. I did feel weird about the change at first, and I didnt wanna have to tell everyone I knew, that knew me, that I was leaving it, and I did at first feel weird about living as a boy :/ And I did have a feeling of sadness pushed on me, I didnt let it control me this time though, I do believe the enemy does have power over these things, and I have decided to set my heart on God, even against my "feelings". And they have become easier too, and I know that anyone can do this too, if they choose to open their heart to God.
And I can tell anyone anywhere, with full conviction, everything we have been warned of is entirely true. God is real, He is watching us, and the enemy does prowl at us like a lion, with a wrath, and he does control our entire world, and he does guide every single one of us against God in hopes to kill us.

Haha, I do 100% believe this entire horrible time in my life was allowed to happen by God, in order to call me, and then let me become such a strong fighter for the lbgt cause, all in order to show me my own errors, and help me go out and share the Gospel with others who are stuck in this life like I was. And now I have a strong desire to help those who are like I was, and help them find Him too :3


Im sorry this was so long, but I do feel that I needed to share as much as possible, and I hope you made it through until the very end :3 Feel free to ask me any questions at all you might have, and I will try to answer them as best as I can.

Congrats to you for being courageous enough to share your story with us.

wow, my friend, your testimony is very inspirational. I understand that you have been through so much and that makes you such a strong person. I have personally known many people that have abandoned their walks and faith in Christianity to consume themselves in the LGBT lifestyle and I have witnessed the pain that comes with self identity. I am so happy that you have overcome many obstacles and have risen from the fire with Christ. Keep strong in Him and let His peace and unending grace be with you always. You have a purpose here on this Earth and you are so very precious in the Lord' sight. God Bless you.

PS.. oh my goodness, I just love Helga G. Pataki! Hey Arnold!!!

God bless your courage,...your honesty,....and mostly your heart, for the strong desire to want to be with Jesus.
My prayers will be with you

God is so good to us and I am glad He has helped you find your way to Him. The best person able to help another is one who has walked the path before. You have understanding in an area most of us don't have and God has called you to help others like you. God bless you in your witnessing to them and may you lead many souls to Jesus. Thanks for your testimony.

Yeraza, oh my goodness, I can't believe I didn't get to read this as soon as you posted it. I've been waiting for this! Anyway, I was just listening to Janet Boynes testimony this morning, on my way to church. She was a Christian, then, she turned away from God to become a lesbian and wandered for 14 years before coming back to Christ, again (she now serves full time in ministry). I don't know anything about her, other than her testimony that I heard this morning, and it was really really inspiring.

I just wanted to say that because after hearing her testimony in the morning, and now your testimony (before I go to bed), I'm just amazed.

I've been remembering the friend I had, one that I told you about, maybe a couple weeks ago or so. My ex, who was anti-God (who has lots of friends from the lgbt community), used to condemn me telling me that the God I serve was sending my friend, Andrew (my transgender friend) to hell and that I still chose to follow Him. I never actually had the wisdom to correct Him (I knew God wasn't sending Andrew to Hell because He was trans, but because he hasn't accepted Christ as His Saviour, but I was blinded by my pride to keep arguing about the authenticity of the bible, it was a debate where I already lost before even starting, and totally ignored the opportunity to preach the gospel to both my ex and Andrew, my friend) and the courage to share the gospel to Andrew, and it's disappointing every time I remember it, I get filled with regrets.

But, hearing about your life and what you went through and how God called you out, gives me hope, that even if I failed the chance that was given to me to introduce Jesus to these guys who were dear to my heart, even if I failed to share with them Jesus, their freedom and salvation (the time I spent with them clearly showed me how empty they lived everyday and how... hopeless it was), God will continue to find ways or make ways to call them, even Andrew. And Jordon. Just as He did to you.

I want you to know, sincerely, genuinely, how this has blessed me so much. I know, not many people have given you feedback online about your testimony, but please please don't be discouraged. There are so many people out there who really really need to hear about this victory. There are so many believers out there who have the chance to lead people to Christ but are failing and need help. Testimonies like this are like honey to the soul, healing to the bone.

I will pray for you every time you are brought to my remembrance (and I will remind myself to pray for you, every time I do) that you remain strong in the Lord and that you continue to walk in His light and seek His face, sharing your victory to everyone who has ears to hear (many people will reject this too, be warned, I'm sure you know that though). Thank you so much Yeraza. I love you in the love of the Lord!

Thank you so much, Yeraza, for sharing your testimony with us! I took a while to read through it between homework, but it was worth it.

We live in a difficult time right now where the LGBT community is very prominent and although I know it's wrong, I don't want to come off as judgmental to them or unfriendly. As someone who has struggled with that in the past, how would you say we should go about that? Like if I was talking to a gay friend, how could I bring up Christ? Or should I not? I find that hard to balance and would like your input.

I'm so happy you found Christ. I've never talked to spirits before but I have seen a couple and it's very scary. Have the voices left you alone? I pray they have.

Its really really tough, yeah. Most people who live that life do not wanna leave it, and they do feel angry when they are told its not the right way to live.

Sadly the world has people convinced that God hates gays, with gay meaning not even just people that actively participate in homosexual relations, but even people who just deal with same sex attraction though not acting out on it. Its always good to point out what the bible says, yes God hates the act of homosexuality but tells us that we are being tempted, and is there for us if we seek Him. God does not hate us, and He does not hate us for dealing with temptation either.

Sadly, unless the person them self decides to follow Christ, they probly wont listen to anything they dont want to hear. But its always good to encourage others that they have a choice in what they do. Yes, we cant stop the fact that we are being urged to do these things, but we can make the choice to deny these urges. And that though its hard at first, with time and endurance, you do become stronger against these urges, and they do become easier. And that if they do fail and give into it again, they can always repent to Him once more and come back to Him again, and they dont have to give up.

If you are talking to a group of strangers who live this life and arent interested in coming to Him, you arent gonna change anything : p That doesnt mean dont ever speak out for Him again of course, theres always the chance that they or those listening can be affected by what you say. But if you have a friend who deals with this, be their friend. Be kind to them and love them like any other friend.
Never allow someone to scoff or disrespect Him to you or anything like that of course : p But if you love them and treat them with respect, they will trust you and love you back. And pray to God for guidance in the situation, because eventually that conversation will come up : p And when it does, give them the truth of God's word. That God loves them, so much that He gave His only begotten Son to die for our sins, and that all they have to do is come to Him and ask for His help and mercy. That we have the power to make our own choices, and that with Him we can do whats right and change our hearts.

This is a big part of how I came to Him : p My friend always treated me like a friend, and Im glad he was there to help me. If they ever try to convince you that its not a sin, with arguments like "its not hurting anybody", try to help them see that right and wrong dont depend on hurting people, that either through creation or complete random chance and evolution, mankind was made male and female. And the two have their own purpose and exist that way for a reason. And that going against this order is biologically wrong, making it the wrong thing to do. And homosexuality is just an urge for sex, and is not the same thing as being black, and it is possible to live life without acting on these urges. And do it with love, like a friend should do it : p

Sorry for the long response : p Hope it helps. You can ask whatever you want if you have more questions : p


And about the voice, no it hasnt left me. But its not like it was then, it does not constantly torment me, its not a constant part of my life and it does not cause me pain or fear now. It occasionally speaks to me every now and then, though. Sometimes to remind me that its going to destroy me, sometimes it scoffs at me or God or others I know. Every now and then, its rare, but sometimes at night it wakes me up with a terrible pain in my head and chest telling me its going to destroy me and all that, and when that happens I reach out to God, deciding that I will not fear it but have faith in God. But thats very rare and has only happened a few times since all this happened to me.

(Ive talked with other Christians I know about it too since all this has happened to me, and theyve told me they notice when these beings talk to them too. When they get those thoughts in their heads that they didnt think themselves, those ideas or hateful thoughts about others or unnecessary anger or lust or even anxiety when going to church or reading the word of God. Have you ever felt that pain on the back of your neck when trying to reach out to Him? We all think its just our subconscious acting out on its own, but imagine if you were a being invisible to the human race with the power over their mind with a desire to hurt them. Wouldnt you push that same way of thinking on them? : p)

I think, as much as people want to believe that once you come to Him, demons just flee from you forever, that none of that is biblical. The bible tells us that they are making war on His saints. If they were following around those who have denied Him for their own earthly pleasures, how would they be productive in their mission? The people they follow and work against are those who are either being called by Him or are following Him. There are stories in the bible about satan and his minions working against or causing harm to God's people, as well as the story of Paul who was told no when he asked for a messenger of satan who was tormenting him to be taken away. The being is still a part of my life, just like it always was. But I no longer fear it and I no longer want to live that life it once lead me to.

Wow oh wow.....im so glad reading your story...what a blessing...though long but i read it from start to to finish...in fact i can't get enough,,i want more hehehe....God bless my brother

I have read parts of your testimony at various times but this is the first time I have read it in it's entirety. You have been through so much but God was faithfully waiting for you throughout knowing you would eventually return to Him.

I have the utmost respect for you dear brother. Even the advice you give lines-up with a situation I deal with at work daily with 2 lesbian colleagues whom I love as if they were my own daughters. They know where I stand on the issue, they know my feelings and they know I'm a Christian but it does not get in the way of our friendship and I wouldn't allow anyone to bully them - they know it too. I actually had occasion to witness to one of them at one time and she seemed to "get" it but I think she later dismissed it...but she is young and it was just a seed for God to cultivate maybe sometime in the future. This young lady has also been through so much as has her "partner". Just a few of the issues they have faced/are facing:
1.Coming out as lesbians.
2.Self harming
3. Deliverance from evil spirits.
4. Family discord.
5. Anorexia
I have prayed for these girls.

Sorry it took so long for me to answer you. I wanted to read all of your message. Thank you for your reply. I do have a gay friend that's really close to me, but he's never acted on his urges because he knows they're wrong. I don't really talk much to him about it though because I don't want to hurt or offend him by saying the wrong thing. Now I know how I can approach it in the future. I hope and pray he can find the strength in God to overcome the urges. I wonder, do those urges eventually go away?

I find some similarities to the struggle you described to what I struggle with. I have trouble with binge eating. It really sucks because it's like I'm always getting urges to binge even when I'm not hungry. So your message really helped me realize that I need to stop letting those urges take control of my body. When it comes down to it, I have a choice as to weather or not I will binge. I'm also reading a book on it and the author says that at first they will be harder to ignore but after a while the urges go away.

I also struggle with a couple of other things like cutting and depression and my family always tells me that maybe it's because I'm a Christian. They say the evil spirits want to harm those that are a threat to them (aka children of God.) This makes me feel a little better because sometimes I have to cry out and ask God "why me? Why can't I just be normal?" I guess that is my answer. The enemy's minions attack Christians more.

Anyways, it all makes a lot of sense. We need to be prepared to fight against this enemy and those stupid urges. I'll be praying for you, brother!

Thats awesome that your friend has decided to not follow the world with his urges! I will pray that he stays on the right path : p And if he gets upset, you can always change the subject and apologize to him if one is needed, thats what my friend did with me : p And always pray for him, that he wont leave you as a friend, and that God will guide him the right way.
And about the urges, I mean I still deal with them and have fallen to them and all that stuff since coming to Him, but Ive seen many testimonies from people who lived that life too that claim that after time they do feel like the urge has left them. But I often think about this, like if I did get passed them forever, Im sure the enemy is still going to urge me with something. I mean I do deal with other things, too : p This is not my only struggle : p So I believe that though we can totally have faith that the Lord can deliver us from struggles, that we should keep in mind that this life is a place of testing and strengthening, and we should keep in mind that we are going to deal with these kind of things.

I want to like help those who deal with this have peace of mind despite the fact they deal with it, to not let themselves believe that they are doomed just because they are tempted, and to not lose hope just because of it. We are all always being pushed to do what we know is wrong by wrathful beings, and its not gonna stop until the last day. So I sometimes dont like it when I hear people talk like they need it to be removed from them to be faithful. Paul asked for his tormenter to be taken away, and God said no.

Im sure there are people who wouldnt like what I just said there, but I believe its right.

And haha, I deal with the eating problem too, actually. Even when I dont feel hungry in anyway, in my head I can feel those thoughts being pressed on me, making me think of food, telling me I want to eat a bunch despite not needing to at all, even after just having a meal like an hour ago : p I know what thats like, yeah : p

And I absolutely believe that the enemy is causing you to feel and think that way. I mean they hate all of us and everything else too, and want to destroy all of man, but of course they work the hardest on those who have come to God. When I went through what I did then, I always had these thoughts pressed on my head about how I need to kill myself, that it was the only way to make the torment end, of course knowing the truth I knew it would be a really really bad thing to do. I also remember in my sinful life I used to have thoughts about killing myself, like even as a fantasy, like what people would say and feel and how theyd be affected, I even used to have these thoughts about how Id be a martyr for the lbgt cause. I never actually wanted to do it, but I was still being pressed to do it anyway, and sometimes Id follow those thoughts in my head just for the sake of fantasizing about it.

I have talked to many others who have said the same thing, too : p They work hard to keep themselves hidden from us, and to make us believe that all of this is just natural and from our flesh (genes and junk), but we are told that the flesh is not our enemy, and to live by the spirit, that those who live by the flesh cannot be saved.

Psst..lemme tell you a secret. Yeraza is a dude, not a sister.. lol

Oh, there was another story that I keep meaning to add to this, but I always forget when I actually log on. Now that I remember, I can totally add this in now.

Anywho, my mother spent alot of her life being into "spiritual" things, engaged in occult practices like ghost hunting and tarot cards. Even after everything happened to me, and I gave my life to Christ, she was still doing the tarot card thing for others for money.

Right after I came to Him, I would spend time praying for my mother, that He would help her see how she was doing something evil by communicating with demons in order to urge others to give themselves over to such practices. It wasnt long after I came to Him that I read in the Bible that communicating with spirits was an abomination. And outside of feeling bad that I had done it, I felt really worried about her.

I talked to her about it occasionally, but shed get grumpy and talk about how she knew better. So I continued praying for her.

Well, anywho, it was only a few months later that she opened up to me, and told me that she had thrown all these things in the trash can. Her tarot cards and books and even the case she kept them all in. I was absolutely blown away by this, haha. She was like me, believed in Him but practiced abominable things. And I was really worried for her.

After hearing that she had turned her back on such things, I completely rejoiced in how He helped her see what she was doing and turned her away from such things, too : p I think its amazing, the Lord had clearly used me to reach out to her and show her the error of her ways, too. I am way happy that I have been used to help my mother, too. Haha.