Can no longer separate sex from sin

It is. To some extent. And this is why I continually struggle with having sexual fantasies. Not about anyone in particular. But at least when I'm there I can at least pretend someone wants and desires me. I can at least pretend I'm fully accepted and wanted with no strings attached and no constant criticism or being ignored and unseen and unheard. And yes, I do feel like a wh*re when it happens. But I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what to do.

For those who don't understand my analogy of being at the table eating food you hate while everyone else is eating that, and something you want, and loving both:

I'd like to have someone to spend my life with, but that's nowhere in sight. Meanwhile, everyone around me has someone, and is attending church and loving God in addition to it. Not that I hate God, but going to church is a chore now. I do it only to get out of the house and please my mom and dad, and to "not forsake the gathering." Even so, I don't go as often as I should. And when I do, I often don't feel as though I belong, even though it's a nice church with nice people and one I've attended all my life. It's hard for me to get really happy or excited about anything anymore 'cause I don't have anyone to share it with.

In essence, I feel starved but I don't want to eat what's nutritious half the time, 'cause it more often than not is just tasteless. Even if the sermons and bible studies are good-intentioned and kind, they often just remind me of how much I fall short, and it's hard for me to overlook something I disagree with. Even so, I very rarely speak up for fear of embarrassing myself.

With all this in mind, I don't follow God to be happy. In fact, Christianity is the last religion I'd recommend if you want to be happy. I follow God because it's the right thing to do. God is my Lord and Savior. He's not my "lover," he's not my friend, or anything else like that. If he's your friend or whatnot, good for you. But don't expect the same for everyone else. We can't all be so fortunate.

Basically, happiness in general feels wrong to me. 90% of the time, when people sin, it's because they want to be happy. So I've pretty much come to the conclusion that wanting happiness is bad for you and others. It makes you a worse person. It makes me feel weird when my church does a fun thing or when I'm doing something fun with friends from church. It's like I've lost my ability to just have fun. I sometimes want to say, "Shouldn't we fast and give all this food to the poor?" or "Wouldn't it be better to just stay home and pray for our missionaries and send that money to them?"

Here's a little modern day parable I found that pretty much sums up how I feel.

A loving and generous Father once bought his son a shiny new bicycle. With a broad smile, the Father surprised the son and rolled it out and handed it to him. Strangely, rather than looking happy, the son looked anxious. Rather than riding the bike, he stepped away from it in fear. The Father asked the child what was wrong. The son replied, "Father, I cannot ride the bike. All around the world there are missionaries who do not have a bike. I would like to give them my bike so that they can ride it to unreached peoples and preach the gospel." The Father replied, "If you simply ask me, I am glad to also give you a second bike to give to a missionary."

Yet, rather than simply riding the bike, the son continued to argue with his Father, saying, "I would much prefer an older bicycle. This one is shiny and new. It makes me look proud if I ride it." The Father explained, "If I want you to ride the bike I gave you, and you are more concerned about what others think of you as you ride it than my joy in seeing you enjoy my gift to you, then you may look humble to them, but I know there is pride in your heart because you are living for their approval instead of my joy."

Unrelenting, the son said, "But some people will talk about my bicycle out of judgment, envy, or jealousy because it is so nice. Some might even stumble and covet my bicycle. I do not want them to sin, and so I would rather not have a new bike so as to be considerate of them." The Father replied, "If others respond to my grace to you in this way, the problem is not the bicycle but their hearts. I will deal with their hearts should they prove sinful—something you assume will happen but do not know. I will love and serve them by working to change their heart if they respond sinfully. But for you, my request is that you simply ride the bicycle I gave you. You are thinking about it too much and enjoying it too little."

The Father walked away for a few hours, kindly asking the son to consider his request. Upon returning, the son had yet another line of reasoning. "Father, I will not ride the bike because I am fearful. I fear that it is so nice and I would enjoy it so much that it would become an idol to me. So, to avoid idolatry I will abstain from riding the bicycle." The Father replied, "You could also ride your bike as an act of worship to me, enjoying the gift I gave you to your joy and my glory. Once again, the problem is not the bicycle."

The son replied, "But Father, you are better than any bicycle. You are enough. I do not need a bicycle. I have you. You, Father, are enough." Grieved in his heart, the Father said, "I know I am enough. But I am a generous Father. I like to give gifts to my children. I like to see them blessed, happy, and free. I just wanted to watch you ride the bike. And I wanted to go for a ride with you. Then, we could have had fun, spent time together, made memories, and laughed."

Tragically, the son never did ride the bicycle. Instead, he gave it away. He did not cause anyone to stumble, or treat his bike as an idol. And he did not obey his Father and worship him by simply being a kid and enjoying the gift his Father gave him because he was too busy being a theologian with a head full of fears rather than a heart full of fun.

That parable, while obviously of quite different subject matter, reminds me much of Moses and the burning bush.

Sex the way God intended it is good. He told Adam and Eve to multiply- He ordered them to have sex. It is mankind who has perverted sex in many, many ways. But we must not forget that there remains one way that is right.

Let's say that way is bright yellow paint, and someone put drops of blue in there, and now it is tinted green. And with every blue influence your paint becomes more and more green, and you've drifted so far away from yellow that it seems impossible to get it back.

But all things are possible with God. He can separate the yellow from the blue, and make it bright and pure once again. It is a spiritual issue after all- God's specialty. Lust and love are opposites. If you only allow loving thoughts and deny lustful thoughts immediately, the devil, who is tempting you, will quit when he sees it's not working, because he is not patient.

You can have a loving, godly marriage the way God intended.

You can have a loving, godly marriage the way God intended.[/QUOTE]

I ran out of time editing...

If you stop adding blue, and start adding more and more yellow, eventually the green will fade out.

I ran out of time editing...

If you stop adding blue, and start adding more and more yellow, eventually the green will fade out.[/QUOTE]

What if you don't have access to yellow paint?

What if you don't have access to yellow paint?[/QUOTE]
if we can't do anything about the lack of yellow paint, we'd be stuck with blue, no matter how we desire the possession of yellow paint

if we can't do anything about the lack of yellow paint, we'd be stuck with blue, no matter how we desire the possession of yellow paint[/QUOTE]

What I'm saying is that I've never been in love, and the only way I've known love is not through affectionate feelings but through meeting obligations I have to my family. When you have no experience with something and see it cause WAY more harm than good, it's easy to write it off.

through your family's misguided effort, what your family did cause you resentment, and you are probably hurt by this

I get what you mean, people can express public display of affection and cause jealousy to many singles who have never even experienced the warmth of being intimate with another human being. It will be like an itch you can't scratch, a blemish that you can never get off your mind, and it becomes only two ways to look at this, either find a significant other to show you what affectionate love really is, that you can feel it, and end all this misery, or regret ever "see it" in the first place.

My question is, Adam and Eve was notified about the forbidden fruit, and the serpent tempted them which adds insult to injury for Adam and Eve, why would God allow this?

Because love has to be chosen. And for there to be choice, free will has to be given.

I have a philosophical question:

what does there exist desire for “better”?
or why are there humans who want “better”?
or, "why want better"? especially if sometimes, "better" is unrealistic and unobtainable

Because we were wired to have better and live in a world where better isn't always available.

God is all-knowing, he knows that "better" isn't always available, yet we were wired for "better"

why wire us for "better", to torture us? to teach us a lesson? why make the lesson difficult to learn?

As I said, love needs to be chosen, and free will is necessary for choice, even if that means we might sin.

To everyone who's curious on what it's like to be on the spectrum. Let me put in this link for you to read.

https://everydayaspie.wordpress.com...pergers-syndrome-checklist-by-samantha-craft/

how would you be able to do reading assignments when dealing with noise anxiety?

Not every single one of these are true for me, but most of them are.

what is your biggest struggle? inspite of the fact that free will is given to choose love (if I summarized what you say with proper understanding)

Everyone has struggles, but it's hard for me to tell if it's just something everyone experiences or if it's because I'm on the spectrum. I want to have close relationships outside my family, but it's hard for me to really connect with people outside my family.