I am a mess up:

I started being a jerk for the wrong reasons. I ignored her and treated her like she was not there. I was a jerk.

My friend who checks the weight of the chickens asked if i was ok and said we will talk later ok? Im sure you know what it is.

I cant remwmber if this was before or after lunch. I was at the time clock and seen her run into the bathroom. I am such a jerk, she treated me like i was not there, i am a tota jerk.

I waited around after my shift to speak to my friend and to ask her if i really am measing up. I could not find her, but i went into the cafeteria and the girl was there at the microwave.

So, i patted her arm she looked the other way where i was patting and looked the other and jumped.

I askes her if there is no dbone tonight she said no. She had me try a snack that she said was from her country, kinda like a funnel cake. Without the sugar.

She asked if it was good i said yes. She had me follow her and she said sit. Im sure it was her brother and dad due to they look alike in alot of ways.

They were playing cards and she was seeing if i was eating the snack, i was nervous and did not jnow how to act.

So i sucked it up and ate the snack and watched them and payed attention to how they were playing.

The elderly guy we call poppy, he pointed at me and said somethomg in a different language. And i felt like put crud.

But i started to laugh with them and wnjoy myself, i stopped feeling like such a jerk little by little.

Then i started to think as she kept looking at me and smiling. This girl is not after to hirt me, why did i let that stuff bother me? From what i saw as i remember she did not do anytjing out of the way.

Then it hit me, it was that guys reaction giving me the evil look like he didnt want me there around her. THAT is why i startes going crazy, it was not her it was HIM!

Oh man i felt like such a heel. Anyway it feels as if she understands but holds nothing againat me when she noticed my leg in a spot and moved hers close and kept it there next to mine.

I was wondering if it was by mistake but no she kept it there . When she was lwaving she asked if i was waiting all i did was shake my head yes in shame.

And she said "i go". And i got up she turned around waved and smiled at me.

She has such a forgiving heart. And i can tell her family means the world to her.

It seems i mever thought bout tapping her on the arm, but i did. Im usually shy in a bad wat, but i did it.

I wached that guy and her reaction with each pther and they were sepeated.

I guess my friend wanted to tell me im stupid. And i am, when the girl ran into the bathroom my heart sank so low it effected my job badly.

She was about to throw away some trusses for the chicken i kindly got them from her and threw them away for her before i left the floor.

We locked eyes once and just stared at each other a few moments.

I am a idiot, it is mot fair to punish her where my exs failed. I am a man who had it all wrong. What is up with that?

She saw i was nervous 😩 ans tired ahe kept looking at me and smiling.

I haft to do this harder to not mess up again, all i wanted to do is hug her and say im sorry.

I think the 2 of you need to stop flirting and pussy footing around, and do some straight talk to find out exactly how she feels about you.

It will be done, im fine i just let my stupidness get in the way where i been hirt too mich. its not her its me. And lastnight was awesome because i was able to see the truth in her eyes. All that insecurities and all just melted.

I told my best friend and sister in Christ who has been helping me. She said im right i am being stupid. But thats how alot of guys are. Its obvious this woman likes you.

I ask her some advice she gets silent then words pour out of what she trying to tell me. My sister laughs and said you got it.

This woman is willing to be patient and let me work on things. She is also bettering me instead of how i was im seeing changes within myself.

Like things i used to do i dont want to do them anymore because theu dont matter. I have never been that way at all woth other women i always did the same stuff.

But this is different very different and i thank God for it i say i dont know what youre doing Lord but please do not stop.

I write all my emotions out for people to read and its very therapytic to me. Thats one reason i guess that God got me involved in devotional writtings.

He is changing my life and so is she. And all I can do is praise Him. Thats all i can do.

With me writting my emotions it can help someone with the same problems. Live by example that is what Jesus did.

My motto is: be a blessing not a burdon.

And God is blessing me my eyes are opening to it and all I can so is smile and praise Him for it.

Hi JBrooks,
It's great that you write things out. It's uncommon that you write them out for others to read, but it is what it is.

May I respectfully suggest that you constrain your "journaling" to a single thread, rather than starting a new one every time you write. First, so that the context is preserved and your readers can follow the story, and second, so that you aren't filling up the forum with your personal journey.

Lol no problem, its uncommon to a point that too many worry about being judged. That is one reason why no one trully does it to that extent.

But who are we to judge right? Plus manu feel ashamed but honestly theres no need to feel ashamed.

God gave us the ability to communicate, and to open up your heart to others allows them to also see the person for who they are and not by the world but by God's standards.

I do not mind at all doing as you requested, and i apreshiate the feedback.

When we look at The Bible yes it is God's true words it is also His journal to us from His very heart. We are to express the same way tiwarss others.

The world has people on a tipsy turby bcause of all those expectations. Those high expectations is nver what God intended.

Where the world says to be successful is to be rich, as God says to he auccessful come unto me.

God is prepairing me for something greater than what i am doing now and I want Him to take the driver seat and guide that drive of life.

It is all about expressing God's inspiration unto others and allowing those who feel lost and abandondoned to come to that understanding that they were never lost with God guiding their path because He is that guiding light.

We are not just to admire, we are to follow and be lead thru that darkness of life to life eternal. And that life is beautiful, and with that life you will not have any darkness but light.

To be a light to the world, show people who God is and what He is capable of doing.

Amen

I think you need to deal with your security issues before you enter a relationship

Your mind seems to be being pulled in all directions......I honestly cannot offer some possible guidance due to the many directions.....I wonder how old you are?

It sounds like you are younger.....Maybe early 20's....The age where we analyze every single action because we fear letting the person know our real feelings..If they don't feel the same, we know how they feel...If we play it safe, we don't get hurt but may regret not taking a chance....I have realized, that taking a chance will always sit well in the future...Not taking a chance will always have the feeling of what if? If you tried and failed, living with that is easier than if I only.

I read a very good life quote 3 days ago:

Life can only be understood backwards: but it must be lived forwards.

What is confusing now will reveal its purpose as life happens.

Very true, however my mind has always gone in different directions due to the amount of hurt in my lifr.

Thing is with this said i let a lady in my wall that i have built and i get to know her. If i notice red flags i start pulling emotionally away.

I am still blessed, however it is what it is. I am not 20 something lol i am in 30s. Sound odd? Yes however i am now coverjng my supervisor who is on vacation. Thats cool in itself.

They are trusting me with alot of authority and i never abuse it. I just know the job so well in a small amount of time that i know how it should be run to run smoothly.

Its all about the method, and almost everyone looks up to me. They see my work ethic and my ability to get tahat job done and that does indeed get ntied. I looked at my kiosk account and noticed i was promoted to a position where i work anywhere and everywhere which causes my rate to be 12.25 an hour and soon a dollar raise.

Then it be salery, then i be set to get my horse farm and donate it ti my mom who loved horses when she was alive.

Right now my mind is set focused on future, so i had to realize that my fuyure is more important, sound like a jerk thing to do? Naw not reallly even when yes im bouncing because i seen the truth.

Some women are bout games and trying to make a man jealous. But the thing is that is crazy because in ways people will say its to see a good suiter but so many good guys get over run and destoried due to that.

But you know? Im good. If she rather have a guy who treats her bad instead of a fuy who rathrr value her heart thats her choice but there be no otger chance.

That bridge is burned, i wont say or do anything against her except treat as she treats like im not there.

Yes lastnight i was cool and happy, but she tried that move of trying to make me jealous i ifnored it and done my job and im sure that made her mad lol she moved off the line.

But you know? I have no time for games. My season is here for my job not heartache and with that said my heart belings to God and not to a woman who wants to play mind games.

So from here on out im moving on. I will type about my job and life just not about this woman.

No offense, but this woman sounds like she enjoys playing mind games.. You're better off without someone like that in your life..

No offense taken and u are right 😁🙃

Disrespect is sometimes culture driven. Thats what some think really, in some aspect their right but in others their wrong.

How is that? Well in ways it is grafted in by how a person is treated. It is told that you are to treat how you want to he treated.

Also in respects to this if you treat someone poor then you will be treated poor. It is not always about that attack.

It is about respect, to have tespect for ones self, one must love themselves. But in out culture it is hard at times because of all the judging.

Lile Jesus who was judged for being different and telling His solid truth, people in our mation are judged by looks, money, and perfection.

It is all about success,and wealth. But the only success we have is in God and the only wealth we have is in Heaven.

Money is the root of all evil, mainly because people break all 10 commandments just to get that finanantial gain.

You love money, then you will do anything and everything to get your hands on it.

Actually, it is the LOVE of money.... Not money itself.

1 Timothy 6:10 King James Version (KJV)
10 For the LOVE of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

Indeed, lol typos happen on a small device and i actually did mean the love of money. When i write i write fast except when i write on paper i can proof read alot better. Thanks 😁

Might I suggest that you stop showing off for her, such as when you work super fast to impress her with your speed of processing chickens and loading pallets.

I also suggest that you act a bit more humble, I noticed a sentence where you said "when I make supervisor" instead of IF you make supervisor. And you calling her "my girl" when in fact she wasn't, isn't and won't ever be. Don't try to impress anyone, not her, not yourself, not even God.

Within love there is no white, there is no black. Its always two hearts combined into one under God.

As long the both of you are saved and serve the one true living God then you will NOT be
I understand 🙃 No worries i always worked fast way before she even tryin to talk to me.

I had my head right niw it was messed up. I need to stay focused and i intend to do so.

Anyway good news is they have me covering my supervisor who is on vacation until wednesday.

Regardless of this girls attention or not i still gornna work to the best of my ability. 🙃

This weekend im blogs forum i am publishing a devotional it s family oriented 🙃. Im a goofball yes but i do what i do and for who??? THE LORD!!!!

My birthday is monday 🙃

It is funny lol i got asked my birthday for a rated pg movie lol ummm ok? 😶 Lol