Hard choice

I need help! I have a disabled son that is declining and will only get worse. My wife (not my sons mother), has statedbhe is not welcome to live with us when the time comes. What do I do?

Depends, I guess on the amount of peace ya wish in maintaining with the wife, and/or rest of the family in your home.
A lot would depend on your son's wishes.
And, hospice houses, are specifically equipped in dealing with end of life (on earth) issues.

That seems a bit morbid? I’m supposed to put my wife over my 37 year old son who has “no one else” to help him ? Is it not a wife’s job to support her spouse in such dire matters?

If your wife is adamant you can either decide to put your foot down and as the head of the household and take what ever comes..

Or if you have the money move out with your son during the latter stages of the disease and rent out a place so that you can spend the last days with your son..

You might have relatives or parents or close friends that would be willing to have you and your son stay at their home during the final stage of life.. Thus avoiding the expence of renting another place..

You might be able to take a months leave, even unpaid leave from your place of employment so as to be with your son constantly during his final days with you..

It is very sad that your wife has decided to take this stance..

May she be forgiven..

Hospice house .. Well maybe there is a hospice house that has the option of providing an extra bed for Limbo? So that his son can get the proffesional help and Limbo can be with him to his final day..

I have a home with plenty of room. 4 bedrooms and a full one with bath downstairs. It’s just me and my wife in this “mansion”! Doesn’t a needy family member deserve care when needed?

First of all, ouch ouch ouch about your Son. I am so sorry. I can only imagine what that hardship and pain must be like. I will lift Him in prayer.

I will also pray that your wife has a change of heart. Do you have a pastor that you two could talk with? I don't know her reasons but maybe if you continue to talk with her about her concerns, easing her mind, telling her you are in this together, through good times and bad, she will come around. I agree about getting recruits family and friends who might be willing to step up to the plate and help. You are the leader of that home and that precious boy's Father, you have to insist and then do your best to get your wife onboard. Imho, Your Son's health and needs must come first and this all must weigh so heavy on your heart and mind. I am praying for your strength and comfort in this season and again that your wife's heart softens and opens fully to the needs of her stepson. God Bless you and all your family.

Hospice houses are pretty accommodating.

As far as his wife goes? Perhaps, it's time she "got learnt", in all the "cycle of life" entails! Up close and personal! Death is very up close, and and very personal!
I'd try to reason with her, if that's possible.
If she's being that adamant?
Perhaps she isn't the woman you thought she was, eh?
Something about "for better, or for worse" just sticks in my mind!
Dunno, what's up with that!

Yes i agree with you Limbo...

But i am trying to offer you alternative possibilities that would allow you to be with your son during his last days.. Even if your wife's demand is met..

I believe it is important that your desire to spend time with your son at the time of his passing happens and that it should not be scuttled by your wife's demands..

Thanks for prayers over this

I agree with your points NayborBear..

Maybe if Limbo has the resources ( i assume he might because he has mentioned he lives in a manson ? ) then maybe he can hire a palliative care nurse for the final days.. Maybe his wife's opposition to allowing her son to stay is because she cannot handle looking after Limbo's son during his final stages? Maybe if she knew there would be a palliative nurse taking care of the situation then maybe that would change her mind?

Of course i am doing a lot of speculating here and throwing in possible solutions.. But of course Limbo knows the actual situation on the ground..

I've been told, as I've gone through this a coupla times?
Any decision you make? Is NOT the wrong one!

Hospice can even come visit ya, come time. 2 er 3 times a week. Can provide hospital bed, etc etc.

Imagine his primary care Dr. of whoever is treating him, will give you the "heads up" when hospice time is come.

I can tell you from experience Limbo.
Hospice people, are a special breed.
Extremely kind, and compassionate!
They'll make him as comfortable as humanly possible!
(now I gotta stop posting, cuz it's bringing up memories/feelings/emotions of me wife's passing)
People will tell ya "it gets easier." And? It does, as time passes.

A couple questions, where is you son's mother? Is she not able to come and help care for him? What reason has your wife given for not wanting your son to stay? Is she afraid she can't care for him? Can you not hire someone to live in and care for him if she feels she can't do it?

Why doesn't she want him to live with you? Let's start there.

my question would also be 'what are her objections?' what kind of care does your son need now and what is happening?

really very sorry to read of what is happening with your son.

not everyone has it in them to care for someone who cannot care for themself. when my dad had a massive stroke, we had homecare coming in once a day and we looked after him the rest of the time. it can be very challenging and demanding. if you can't do it out of love for the person, I can see how it would make things more than a little difficult

as it was, my mother put him away in a home and he died of pneumonia because he did not get proper care. she had the legal right to do so over objections

I don't know. only you can answer but again, why does your wife object? for many people that would be the response they would give

I can understand how you feel about though.

I’m a carer for my elderly aunt and I can tell you, it’s hard.

Caring for someone takes over your entire life.
My aunt is elderly, has multiple medical issues and now dementia.
I also juggle this while working part time and we have carers who come to the house
3 times a day for short periods of time.
But for me it’s 24/7 day and night. Whatever I feel, no matter how ill or out of sorts
I am. No matter if I feel like putting myself first, I simply can’t.

This might sound harsh, but not everyone can cope with caring for another person.

You really need to take a long hard look at how you will BOTH manage if your
son comes to live with you. How will you manage the day to day things. Will
you be able to deal with the medical side of things. How will you BOTH share
the caring role. How will you organise time out and days out etc.

Look also into what external help and support is available. Then be realistic
about what you can BOTH cope with and how you will manage.

If it all seems too much for EITHER of you, then look at alternatives other than
your son coming home. You BOTH need to be on agreement if he is to come home as
it will put a lot of strain on BOTH of you. Don’t do it unless you BOTH can cope,
otherwise it will be awful for BOTH of you and your son.

The last thing your son needs is to live in an environment where there is arguments and
you could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

I’ve often wondered myself if I could cope with my aunt at home during her last days
if it came to it. I’m not sure I could even though I’ve looked after her for over 6 years
now. It would take a lot of emotional and physical strength, then there may also need
to be daily nurse or doctor visits. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly.

A friend of mine died last year of ovarian cancer she spent her last weeks in a hospice.
Looking back there is just no way her final weeks could be managed at home.
She needed high doses of morphine and the tumour caused pressure on her blood
vessels causing blood clots, which led to mini strokes.

Find out as much as you can about your sons needs, what to expect and think about
how you will organise your life.

Unless you BOTH agree 100% don’t do it. It would not be fair to force this
situation onto another person who could not cope with. Yes we all like to
think we would. But the reality is very different and unless you have been there
you don’t have a clue about the difficulties and how it takes over your entire
life.

As for me I sort of grew into my caring role. But I also had very definate words and
dreams from God that for me it was the right thing to do.

Absolutely.... If you can afford to accommodate your disabled son, do it. Your wife will just need to adjust to that fact. But understand that it can be overwhelming if you can't afford to hire outside help. My Dad spent a half million $$ to keep my Mom home for her last years, but most people don't have that luxury, whereby nursing homes and assisted living facilities are necessary... jmo