can you guys post something funny please?

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Lafftur

Lafftur

Senior Member
#582
Apr 18, 2017
6,896
3,636
113
#582
AuntieAnt said:
View attachment 196948
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Therapist: "So were you successful in locking people out of your life?"

Me: "I'm not so sure anymore.........I seem to have locked myself in and can't seem to get out! Help!"

Therapist: "The only one that can unlock the prison door is you, you have the key......it's called FORGIVNESS."

Me: "I shall unlock the door after I finish my cup of coffee.........I don't feel like sharing."

LOL! :LOL::ROFL::coffee::giggle:
 
Homewardbound

Homewardbound

Well-known member
#583
Dec 10, 2018
1,078
593
113
#583
Lafftur said:
Therapist: "So were you successful in locking people out of your life?"

Me: "I'm not so sure anymore.........I seem to have locked myself in and can't seem to get out! Help!"

Therapist: "The only one that can unlock the prison door is you, you have the key......it's called FORGIVNESS."

Me: "I shall unlock the door after I finish my cup of coffee.........I don't feel like sharing."

LOL! :LOL::ROFL::coffee::giggle:
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TADAAA !!!!! I wouldn't share either!!!!!!!!
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#588
#588
mailmandan said:
Why men should not write advice columns...

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I forget my cell phone, so I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. I caught him red handed having an affair with the woman who lived next door! I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He explained that since he lost his job six months ago he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

John
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Um writing "Dear John" is NEVER a good thing.............
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#591
#591
Solemateleft said:
Marine Proves there is a God​
A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the A.C.L.U. was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, who was just released from the Marines after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The Marine hit him full force in the face! This sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also.....Waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So he sent me."
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:ROFL::love::love::love::ROFL:
 
mailmandan

mailmandan

Senior Member
#595
Apr 7, 2014
25,577
13,551
113
58
#595
The circle of life:

At age 3 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 70 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is having a drivers license.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#597
#597
Poinsetta said:
How did THAT come about 🤣?
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Well, lol what didn't show in my post there was this pic, theres a link but i dunno if it opens or not. This was a pic from way back in this thread so I said what I said because I keep hearing about places like Mcdonalds and Starbucks talking bout doing away with straws, lol.
1548735256355.png
 
oldman

oldman

Member
#598
Apr 29, 2012
1,196
838
113
#598
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with
us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and
it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love
me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish
or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And
it was a good animal and God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for
you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved
them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and
said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut
and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration.
Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy
of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they
were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility.



And they were greatly improved..




And God was pleased..



And Dog was happy.





And Cat . . .








didn't give a hoot one way or the other.
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#599
#599
For those not familiar with old hymns, this joke references one:

In Sunday school the teacher announced they would learn the names of God. 5 year old Johnny chirped in and said "I know God's name!" Curious the teacher asked "Oh?" Johnny replied enthusiastically "It"s ANDY!"
teacher; "ANDY! WHere in the world did you come up with that?"
Johnny replied "you know, the song we sing: "Andy walks with me Andy talks with me..................."

("and He walks with me and He talks with me
and He tells me I am His own")
 
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