A dark moment

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eodgabe

eodgabe

Junior Member
#1
Jul 16, 2012
7
4
3
#1
I ask my brothers and sisters in Christ to please pray for me. Back in November of 2018 my wife asked for a separation that has led to us filing for divorce. This came out of no where while I was deployed from our home. I do not want a divorce and have expressed it as much. I have also told her I would honor the request if that is what she wants. We are still together and living under the same roof. However, it is not ideal. The struggle is real. I played Russian Roulette back in December 4 days before Christmas and shortly after gave my weapons (minus my service weapon) to my father. I still want to die. I do not want to commit suicide but I would be honor'd with a LODD (Line of Duty Death) or just fall asleep and not wake up. Either is okay. I ask you to pray for me, my mental anguish and my marriage. Please pray for my wife as well, I know she too just wants to be deceased. We live in the house my great grandfather built in 1910 and I have a hard time letting go. She wants the house, yet so do I. That's another story for another day. However, please pray.
 
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Godsgirl83

Guest
#2
#2
First off, thank you for your service! Military life is difficult for the whole family. (daughter of U.S. Vet here)
I too was once at at point in life where I thought death would be my best option, 21 yrs later I'm so thankful it didn't work out! There is a verse that I found shortly after that has stuck with me all these years
Psalm 118:17
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD."

You and your wife will be in my prayers!
 
TabinRivCA

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
#3
Oct 23, 2018
12,354
10,043
113
#3
Thank you for your service, I was married to someone, who has passed on, that was in the Seabee's. One possible problem with ex-servicemen is that they hold in their experiences there and relive the terrors of war..
I had a tragic thing happen with a family member, that I felt totally guilty for and then add grief stricken. I kept reliving the sad end to this life and didn't see a way out of the guilt I felt. Those around me were helpless to condone me.
So I was out in the backyard, looking upward towards the sun, praying and started walking back. I had this urge to look up and honestly, this string of words came dangling down from above. They said 'Do you think (name of family) would want to go back and relive that horrible death he suffered? He's in Heaven in glory and he would never want to go back, so why are you'?
Instantaneously those words, from the Holy Spirit, delivered me totally and when I think of him, I know he's in total bliss.
As for your marriage, I would find Scriptures on marriage, write them on post-its and put them around the home. When you pray, ask for the Lord's will to be done, and quote God's word back to Him. 'The effectual fervent prayers of the righteous get much results'.
Don't go at it with fear or negativity, that's the enemies tools, but pray, ask and trust God! Don't be a quitter or you will lose out, God bless you and your family, in Jesus' name, Amen.
 
eodgabe

eodgabe

Junior Member
#4
Jul 16, 2012
7
4
3
#4
Godsgirl83 said:
First off, thank you for your service! Military life is difficult for the whole family. (daughter of U.S. Vet here)
I too was once at at point in life where I thought death would be my best option, 21 yrs later I'm so thankful it didn't work out! There is a verse that I found shortly after that has stuck with me all these years
Psalm 118:17
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD."

You and your wife will be in my prayers!
Click to expand...
Thank you for your prayers. The Psalm that helped me through that darkest time in December was Psalm 71:19-21. However, I am not sure it will help me through this time. Psalm 37:4 keeps play repeatedly over in my head. I probably hear the verse 70 times a day if not more. Then all I can think is: I HAVE delighted in the lord and yet I do not have the desires of my heart, hence why a LODD would be welcomed. I don't talk to many people about this, actually only have talked to three others. I try not to burden others and be a shoulder for them when in need. Again I thank you for your prayers.
 
eodgabe

eodgabe

Junior Member
#5
Jul 16, 2012
7
4
3
#5
TabinRivCA said:
Thank you for your service, I was married to someone, who has passed on, that was in the Seabee's. One possible problem with ex-servicemen is that they hold in their experiences there and relive the terrors of war..
I had a tragic thing happen with a family member, that I felt totally guilty for and then add grief stricken. I kept reliving the sad end to this life and didn't see a way out of the guilt I felt. Those around me were helpless to condone me.
So I was out in the backyard, looking upward towards the sun, praying and started walking back. I had this urge to look up and honestly, this string of words came dangling down from above. They said 'Do you think (name of family) would want to go back and relive that horrible death he suffered? He's in Heaven in glory and he would never want to go back, so why are you'?
Instantaneously those words, from the Holy Spirit, delivered me totally and when I think of him, I know he's in total bliss.
As for your marriage, I would find Scriptures on marriage, write them on post-its and put them around the home. When you pray, ask for the Lord's will to be done, and quote God's word back to Him. 'The effectual fervent prayers of the righteous get much results'.
Don't go at it with fear or negativity, that's the enemies tools, but pray, ask and trust God! Don't be a quitter or you will lose out, God bless you and your family, in Jesus' name, Amen.
Click to expand...
Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. I know being a believer in Christ makes things a bit easier, however, as we are stuck back on earth it makes it difficult to comprehend. Secondly, sorry for the confusion, looking back I can see how it is, I am not in the military. I am actually in law enforcement. I am part of the states special response team (team leader) and deploy out of the state for "special requests/events" that need special skill sets or need plain clothes officers to blend in. Sometimes the deployments are fairly....well boring...other times they are high risk. Such as we sometimes deploy around following certain groups as plain clothes officers/undercover. I have looked up and meditated on scripture for my marriage. I have read books to include The Unveiled Wife even though I am not the wife lol. Parts of the book were pertinent to me and my mother in law suggested it. I do a daily devotion and try to share some of those with my wife (which will just not have any part to do with it). I have never been so broken/broken hearted. I am not sure how righteous I am, maybe thats why my prayers don't seem to get much result? I will try to continue to be strong and fight. Just not sure how much more fight I have. Thank you for you prayer, kind words and support.
 
eodgabe

eodgabe

Junior Member
#6
Jul 16, 2012
7
4
3
#6
Godsgirl83 said:
First off, thank you for your service! Military life is difficult for the whole family. (daughter of U.S. Vet here)
I too was once at at point in life where I thought death would be my best option, 21 yrs later I'm so thankful it didn't work out! There is a verse that I found shortly after that has stuck with me all these years
Psalm 118:17
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD."

You and your wife will be in my prayers!
Click to expand...
Forgot to mention: Sorry for the confusion, looking back I can see how it is, I am not in the military. I am actually in law enforcement. I am part of the states special response team (team leader) and deploy out of the state for "special requests/events" that need special skill sets or need plain clothes officers to blend in. Sometimes the deployments are fairly....well boring...other times they are high risk. Such as we sometimes deploy around following certain groups as plain clothes officers/undercover. I feel nothing and welcome death more so now than ever. I stared down the barrel of glock 27 gen 4 (.40 cal) the other day, all I could tell the individual was to pull the trigger, finish it. I didn't fear it, I didn't worry about anything other than it would have solved my issues. I never drew my weapon, I never jolted for their weapon, I just stared at it and welcomed it. Nearly two hours later I have it resolved with fortunately no lives being lost. But I should never have put myself in that situation nor had the feelings I had. I have decided to take a few days leave since then and reach out to people. Again, thank you for your prayers.
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#7
#7
Personally, I don't separate military from law enforcement/first responders when it comes to gratitude! (I have both in my family and know first hand the behind the scene issues they create- affects the whole family) So again, thank you for your service.
This may sound cliche, but all I can think to ask right now is have you asked Jesus into your heart? I mean IF something were to go wrong, would you without a doubt end up in His arms?
Reread Psalm 71:21
I've been married 10+ years, I know and understand marriage struggles. The only (and I think best ) advice I can give (again might sound cliche) is to encourage you to continue seeking the Lord! NO MATTER WHAT! Sometimes we think we know what the desires of our heart are, HE KNOWS US BETTER than we know ourselves.
Again, you will be in my prayers! Not only for this difficult time in your marriage, but also for guidance and protection in your job!
Blessings!
 
eodgabe

eodgabe

Junior Member
#8
Jul 16, 2012
7
4
3
#8
Godsgirl83 said:
This may sound cliche, but all I can think to ask right now is have you asked Jesus into your heart? I mean IF something were to go wrong, would you without a doubt end up in His arms?
Reread Psalm 71:21
Click to expand...
It doesn't sound cliche, but yes I have Jesus in my heart and know without a shadow of a doubt, that if something should happen I will be in heaven. I know my wife at one point did, I do not know now. She is pushing away anything that can help her. Friends, family, God, me. Simply states "she made this mess, she will clean it up." I receive multiple devotions a day and read one in a book. I have forwarded her these and she has the book (her mom bought it for her for Christmas). She simply just put the book in a drawer. I know that if she would focus her eyes on Christ we can pull through this. However, I cannot force her to. I try to show her by example, as does her family to no prevail. I pray over our house and each room weekly (I try daily, I just sometimes forget). It is for sure an uphill battle.
 
love_comes_softly

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
#9
Feb 13, 2019
768
822
93
#9
Praying for you during this dark time in your life. As a a person that gives their life daily to serving others, you are no stranger to being needed, but I want to remind you that YOU are important, YOU are loved, and YOU are needed. The Lord has a deeper plan in this for you, don't give up. Things are hard and dark right now, but they will get better. I pray protection for you and your wife. As hard as it may be, try to look for the good things in each day. Lean on the Lord.
 
eodgabe

eodgabe

Junior Member
#10
Jul 16, 2012
7
4
3
#10
love_comes_softly said:
Praying for you during this dark time in your life. As a a person that gives their life daily to serving others, you are no stranger to being needed, but I want to remind you that YOU are important, YOU are loved, and YOU are needed. The Lord has a deeper plan in this for you, don't give up. Things are hard and dark right now, but they will get better. I pray protection for you and your wife. As hard as it may be, try to look for the good things in each day. Lean on the Lord.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I know at the end of the day I will be fine. I know I'm not the first person to have gone through this. However, I never thought I would be. I know God must break me before he can make me great. It is very hard, tiring process. I thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement.
 
Excalibur7

Excalibur7

New member
#11
May 8, 2019
12
7
3
#11
Do not give in to the thoughts of ending your life, brother in Christ! God wants you to have an abundant and happy life, with God you will persevere. However, I will remind you that the world we are living in is presently occupied by the enemy of God and he will do everything and anything to drag you down and make you give up so that he does not even have to fight you. As a military man, you know that victory and defeat begin and end in the heart and mind. The enemy knows this, too.

Listen to these prayers by yourself or with your spouse if you can:

And a good prayer for the military:
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#12
Mar 13, 2014
41,313
16,301
113
69
Tennessee
#12
I have prayed for God to deliver you from this very dark place that you are in. Many years ago I suffered through a horrible marriage that led to my leaving military service and subsequent divorce. I want to also thank you for your service to your community. I have been led to believe that the saying is true in that whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
 
G

Godsgirl83

Guest
#13
#13
Excalibur7 said:
Do not give in to the thoughts of ending your life, brother in Christ! God wants you to have an abundant and happy life, with God you will persevere. However, I will remind you that the world we are living in is presently occupied by the enemy of God and he will do everything and anything to drag you down and make you give up so that he does not even have to fight you. As a military man, you know that victory and defeat begin and end in the heart and mind. The enemy knows this, too.

Listen to these prayers by yourself or with your spouse if you can:

And a good prayer for the military:
Click to expand...
(y)nice links. I'm saving these.
 
P

Poinsetta

Well-known member
#14
Nov 24, 2018
10,524
6,170
113
34
#14
Praying for you brother ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
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