Dating a young lady with a 9 year old child

brian7 · Jun 6, 2019

Hello everyone!

This is my first post here and I'm hoping to get some insight from my fellow Christians in regards to a dating question I have.

I'm 30 and I have never been married and have little experience with relationships in general. I recently met a young lady, on a Christian dating app, who is a year younger than me. Very early in our conversation she mentioned that she was in a relationship with a guy for a few years and got pregnant but never saw the guy after she gave birth to the baby. Her son is now 9 years old. She also said that she wants to do it the right way this time (in purity), and she seems like an honest person to me who has repented and decided to seek God.

On the one hand, I have a heart for teens especially those who come from broken families and I know that God has gifted me with a strong desire to help others and offer hope to the broken. On the other hand, I have never lead a family and if I'm suddenly given a family with a past like that, I don't know if I can pull it off.

I feel like I'm being pulled by two opposite forces; one part of me wants to believe that everything will be alright (I will be a able to form a strong bond with the kid and love the mom and lead a Godly family), but the other part of me thinks I'm completely underprepared for such a journey.

I know that if I move on with dating her and if it leads to a marriage, my life will be changed forever and it's not a decision that can be taken lightly. So I would like to hear from you who may have had similar experiences before I continue talking with her.

Thank you and God bless you all.

17Bees · Jun 6, 2019

brian7 said:

Hi Brian7 and thanks for posting. I have to say, I can't tell whether your pragmatic approach to this relationship is refreshing or alarming. You sound a little like a third party advising Brian7 instead of Brian7 himself! i mean I admire your tenacious global view of this thing, you definitely look both ways before you cross a street, but right now Brian, you're on a road without much traffic.

I guess my question would be - how do you feel about this girl? Do you have feelings for her? Do you think she's worth turning a few of her pages? Could be you won't be able to put her book down. Could be it would bore you silly, but you don't know till you take a step off the curb. Sometimes even jaywalk.

What does the future hold? Heck if I know, but I do know this: regret is a totally messed up. God bless you too -

Subhumanoidal · Jun 6, 2019

Really until you meet the kid and see how they respond to you it's hard to say. I've dates numerous single moms (the first time I was 21 and she had 3 kids [she was older than me]).
Personally I've always been surprised men are so concerned about dating single moms, unless there is a complication. Admittedly it's a bit more work, but as long as you and the kid/s get along well it can be rewarding.
The first one (with 3 kids) was complicated and a bad idea in retrospect, but others I've dated I actually looked forward to helping raise their kids.
Also I was raised in a family where when my dad married my mom she had three kids already (then I came along). He raised them as his own kids and now in his 80s he still does. Even though my mom had long passed he still takes care of them like his own, even having had two of them live with him for a while (at different times).
To me if there are no obvious complications the only real complication is the one you being with you. All it takes is some communication between you and the mom to ensure current and future roles you'll have and that you're both in agreement with
For example if you were to marry and she didn't want to being able to discipline at all, that's not going to work well.
I'm also not sure how dating a single mom with one child will affect your ability to work with teens.

Dino246 · Jun 6, 2019

Welcome, Brian7...
A few thoughts: Focus on the Family has a sub-ministry focused on blended families. They might have some resources to help you think through the issues.

One thing you will have to talk through with your girlfriend is the place you would have in her life. Many single parents put their kids first even after marriage, which is destructive. A Christian marriage is between a man and a woman, not between a man and a mother-child unit. The spouses need to put each other above the children in order for the marriage to be healthy. You'll also need to tread carefully through the minefield of disciplinary issues. In a Christian home, both parents have full authority, but in a blended home, this needs to be treated with caution.

You will need to be comfortable providing for both of them completely. The boy's bio-dad should be paying support (is he?) but you also need to be willing to adopt the boy financially and emotionally if not legally.

May the Lord give you wisdom, peace, and clear direction.

cinder · Jun 7, 2019

brian7 said:

I don't think anyone has every felt ready and not been blindsided by some surprises where kids are concerned. It really isn't about how ready you are, but about how committed you are to learn and grow on the journey that's the make or break factor. And while I'd say it's good that you don't want to lead her on or waste her time if you can't follow through, as other's have pointed out it's a bit premature to call it off because you're afraid that you can't be the perfect step dad.

So unless you're completely opposed to kids and the challenge of parenthood, there's no reason to stop talking with the gal. So get to know the gal and find out if you like her well enough to keep proceeding; I'd just reserve trying to bond with her son until the two of you are fairly serious because it's not good for a kid to have potential dad figures come along and bond and then leave when it doesn't work out, but again as the relationship grows the two of you can discuss about when the right time to meet her child is. After all part of a healthy relationship is you start to make decisions together rather than individually.

RodB65 · Jun 8, 2019

If I may add a bit to what's already been said,.. You're never ready for kids. Whether they are step children or your own, you are never ready. My oldest is my stepdaughter. She is 27 now and has picked up many of my habits and mannerisms, both good and bad. I was worried I wasn't ready when she entered my life as an energetic four year old. But we hit it off, we got used to each other. She is closer to me than she is to her Mom and real Dad.

LittleMermaid · Jun 8, 2019

I think the best thing you can do is to take it slowly...very slowly! This could be a blessing or a really bad idea...it all depends on you, the lady, and the child.
The boy is already 9...which means he is set in his ways. He is used to being with his mom and having his mom all to his own. He might get jealous if you spend too much time with her. I know because I've been the kid in this situation. I did not like my step-dad for many years. My younger brother was about that age when my mom and SD got married. He still doesn't really like him. At least not as much as I do.
So tread carefully...think a lot about it, pray a lot about it. If you marry her, it's a huge responsibility! I think raising a child that is not your own is much more difficult than raising one that is your own. Imagine all the sacrifices you will have to do and then he's not even yours. His bio dad could come along at any time. So you could very well end up raising the child to adulthood and then he goes to look for his bio dad, and forgets about you. I have seen that happen 3 times. If ya'll get divorced, she will have custody of him and you probably won't see him anymore.

But if you do marry the lady and ya'll have kids together, please love that boy as much as you love your own kids. If not, he'll notice and it could ruin your future family. In a way, I'm glad my mom and SD never had kids...we didn't have to deal with that.

Sorry for being so negative...but I feel like you already have doubts and a stepfather has to be firm and sure about his decision to be with a woman with children. That's why I say to take it slow with lots of prayer! It could be an awesome thing and ya'll could be really happy together. I just figured you should hear a little of my own experience with a SD.

brian7 · Jun 9, 2019

17Bees said:

Hi Brian7 and thanks for posting. I have to say, I can't tell whether your pragmatic approach to this relationship is refreshing or alarming. You sound a little like a third party advising Brian7 instead of Brian7 himself! i mean I admire your tenacious global view of this thing, you definitely look both ways before you cross a street, but right now Brian, you're on a road without much traffic.

I guess my question would be - how do you feel about this girl? Do you have feelings for her? Do you think she's worth turning a few of her pages? Could be you won't be able to put her book down. Could be it would bore you silly, but you don't know till you take a step off the curb. Sometimes even jaywalk.

What does the future hold? Heck if I know, but I do know this: regret is a totally messed up. God bless you too -

Thanks for your response 17Bees.

And I agree that regret is a messed up feeling, whether it’s because of a bad decision, or missing out on a blessing out of fear.

brian7 · Jun 9, 2019

Dino246 said:

Welcome, Brian7...
A few thoughts: Focus on the Family has a sub-ministry focused on blended families. They might have some resources to help you think through the issues.

One thing you will have to talk through with your girlfriend is the place you would have in her life. Many single parents put their kids first even after marriage, which is destructive. A Christian marriage is between a man and a woman, not between a man and a mother-child unit. The spouses need to put each other above the children in order for the marriage to be healthy. You'll also need to tread carefully through the minefield of disciplinary issues. In a Christian home, both parents have full authority, but in a blended home, this needs to be treated with caution.

You will need to be comfortable providing for both of them completely. The boy's bio-dad should be paying support (is he?) but you also need to be willing to adopt the boy financially and emotionally if not legally.

May the Lord give you wisdom, peace, and clear direction.

Thanks for the suggestion Dino246.

I don’t think his biological dad is paying anything since they were never married in the first place.

Thankfully I have a good job, but I’m also a part-time student which just adds to my doubts.

brian7 · Jun 9, 2019

RodB65 said:

If I may add a bit to what's already been said,.. You're never ready for kids. Whether they are step children or your own, you are never ready. My oldest is my stepdaughter. She is 27 now and has picked up many of my habits and mannerisms, both good and bad. I was worried I wasn't ready when she entered my life as an energetic four year old. But we hit it off, we got used to each other. She is closer to me than she is to her Mom and real Dad.

I’m glad to hear it has worked out for you RodB65. Really!

God bless you.

brian7 · Jun 9, 2019

LittleMermaid said:

I think the best thing you can do is to take it slowly...very slowly! This could be a blessing or a really bad idea...it all depends on you, the lady, and the child.
The boy is already 9...which means he is set in his ways. He is used to being with his mom and having his mom all to his own. He might get jealous if you spend too much time with her. I know because I've been the kid in this situation. I did not like my step-dad for many years. My younger brother was about that age when my mom and SD got married. He still doesn't really like him. At least not as much as I do.
So tread carefully...think a lot about it, pray a lot about it. If you marry her, it's a huge responsibility! I think raising a child that is not your own is much more difficult than raising one that is your own. Imagine all the sacrifices you will have to do and then he's not even yours. His bio dad could come along at any time. So you could very well end up raising the child to adulthood and then he goes to look for his bio dad, and forgets about you. I have seen that happen 3 times. If ya'll get divorced, she will have custody of him and you probably won't see him anymore.

But if you do marry the lady and ya'll have kids together, please love that boy as much as you love your own kids. If not, he'll notice and it could ruin your future family. In a way, I'm glad my mom and SD never had kids...we didn't have to deal with that.

Sorry for being so negative...but I feel like you already have doubts and a stepfather has to be firm and sure about his decision to be with a woman with children. That's why I say to take it slow with lots of prayer! It could be an awesome thing and ya'll could be really happy together. I just figured you should hear a little of my own experience with a SD.

Thanks for sharing your personal experience LittleMermaid. I appreciate it. It helped a lot.

Another thing that concerns me is the fact that the age difference between her son and the other kid (if we decide to have one) will be huge. It will take at least 2 years before we get to a point where we’re ready to have our own kid(s) and by that time his son will be around 11 or 12.

blue_ladybug · Jun 9, 2019

I'm 9, 11, and 13 years younger than my sisters and brother, respectively.

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Dating a young lady with a 9 year old child

brian7

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17Bees

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Subhumanoidal

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cinder

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LittleMermaid

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blue_ladybug

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