I'm gonna ramble a little, but I guess the "too long, didn't read" version is that I would love prayer to get past my obsession with self, and that fear of losing control. This and my mental health, because that has to do with it.
So as a society, we really have this notion of self. Self esteem, self reliance, self improvement, self love, ect ect ect. Part of this is good and a big part of it is NOT. And I feel like I'm kinda leaning on the not category. Part of that is sort of from "trauma" I guess and another is from being human....
I have OCD... so a lot of my life tends to be centered around keeping myself sane, or at least that's what it feels like. Not watching/reading/hearing things that will make my OCD give me a panic attack, but also not feeling safe within my own head as well... Because of this, a lot of my activities revolve around keeping myself safe somehow. And I know in the world, as a Christian, that is pretty impossible. But that doesn't mean I don't try. My life has been very sheltered, and my answer often times when distressed is to shove myself back in my shell and hide as much as possible. And in that little corner of acceptable space, you can really only see what is inside your immediate peripheral.
I am isolated. It's just me and my mom. Especially with my daddy dead for almost 2 years now from cancer.... Honestly if I didn't have the internet and church friends I would have no one but my mother. This compounded with the fact I now currently have no job or schooling.....it's just me. Me trying to keep me safe. Me trying to keep me safe from me sometimes.
When I was at my worst, I couldn't really interact with people. I couldn't try and witness because I panicked. I couldn't fast because I obsessed on when to and when not to that I would panic. I couldn't pray hardly (except in my head) because I would end up praying all night every night and not sleep.... And when I did my brain freaked out to make sure that I was INDEED praying to God and not accidentally someone else and...sheesh...
I almost have like a PTSD reaction to where when I want to talk about what my head was like I just freak out.... And like....it's like I am so obsessed with trying to REGULATE myself....trying to keep myself UNDER CONTROL to the best of my knowledge and limited ability, that I don't let God do what He wants to do....and my fear is that HE CAN'T. It doesn't make sense that my fear makes it so that what I fear ends up happening????
What I'm trying to say is that I need help....I need Jesus help to get me off of me and focus on Him. Because I know when I lift my eyes up, or away from myself, the things that hold me back in terror aren't as scary. Sometimes they're not even there long because I ended up giving the thing more power than it actually had because of my fear...
Ironically it goes opposite ways too, because I've always had a big self loathing issue. I don't take care of myself. I don't do "maintenance." I only focus on myself for things that are wrong with me and I need to FIX. But not like....as a person who is taking care of say a pet and making sure what is best for them. I'm focusing on myself like an abusive parent that needs to POLICE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE IT TURNS OUT OK. Those...those aren't the same...
Jesus help me...
So as a society, we really have this notion of self. Self esteem, self reliance, self improvement, self love, ect ect ect. Part of this is good and a big part of it is NOT. And I feel like I'm kinda leaning on the not category. Part of that is sort of from "trauma" I guess and another is from being human....
I have OCD... so a lot of my life tends to be centered around keeping myself sane, or at least that's what it feels like. Not watching/reading/hearing things that will make my OCD give me a panic attack, but also not feeling safe within my own head as well... Because of this, a lot of my activities revolve around keeping myself safe somehow. And I know in the world, as a Christian, that is pretty impossible. But that doesn't mean I don't try. My life has been very sheltered, and my answer often times when distressed is to shove myself back in my shell and hide as much as possible. And in that little corner of acceptable space, you can really only see what is inside your immediate peripheral.
I am isolated. It's just me and my mom. Especially with my daddy dead for almost 2 years now from cancer.... Honestly if I didn't have the internet and church friends I would have no one but my mother. This compounded with the fact I now currently have no job or schooling.....it's just me. Me trying to keep me safe. Me trying to keep me safe from me sometimes.
When I was at my worst, I couldn't really interact with people. I couldn't try and witness because I panicked. I couldn't fast because I obsessed on when to and when not to that I would panic. I couldn't pray hardly (except in my head) because I would end up praying all night every night and not sleep.... And when I did my brain freaked out to make sure that I was INDEED praying to God and not accidentally someone else and...sheesh...
I almost have like a PTSD reaction to where when I want to talk about what my head was like I just freak out.... And like....it's like I am so obsessed with trying to REGULATE myself....trying to keep myself UNDER CONTROL to the best of my knowledge and limited ability, that I don't let God do what He wants to do....and my fear is that HE CAN'T. It doesn't make sense that my fear makes it so that what I fear ends up happening????
What I'm trying to say is that I need help....I need Jesus help to get me off of me and focus on Him. Because I know when I lift my eyes up, or away from myself, the things that hold me back in terror aren't as scary. Sometimes they're not even there long because I ended up giving the thing more power than it actually had because of my fear...
Ironically it goes opposite ways too, because I've always had a big self loathing issue. I don't take care of myself. I don't do "maintenance." I only focus on myself for things that are wrong with me and I need to FIX. But not like....as a person who is taking care of say a pet and making sure what is best for them. I'm focusing on myself like an abusive parent that needs to POLICE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING TO MAKE SURE IT TURNS OUT OK. Those...those aren't the same...
Jesus help me...
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