Apologies in advance for the length, I'm still figuring out how to be succinct without leaving out relevant details.
So basically I'm struggling with my job...I work Pizza delivery at present. I only got the job because I needed cash and was sitting around trying to figure out what the Lord's will was and what direction I needed to take...cash pressures essentially forced me to get the job. Delivery is easy. Cash immediately on start pretty much with tips (no need to wait for a paycheck).
I've been there for over 4 months now and for the last month every time I go in I feel fine until I get there and then I just get incredibly tired. Some of my shifts are only 4 hours and still it's like I've been up for 24hrs straight. When I finally get off I change and lay in bed and fall asleep as if I've been up that long and then wake up an hour later usually and everything is back to normal.
Diet is not the best, sleep is adequate.
I heard from two people about what I described and they said "that means you are done with the job" and I did a tiny bit of online research and came up with the same thing. So from a human perspective...obvious.
That's ONE part of it though...I've also heard from people in the church to be a light wherever I am and keep doing that until the Lord moves me somewhere else, but it's defining that "moving" that I'm having a challenge with. Plenty of strong support against but some support for as I've made connections and finally arrived at a point where I have upward mobility by not even really trying, other than being a good worker (colossians 3:23).
NOTE: What follows is my biggest challenge and I'm looking for feedback. I had this predicament the last pizza job I worked...basically Acts 6:2 stood out to me at the time because I felt like I was being wasteful with what I had as there was little opportunity to use it. Then the same thing woke me up in the middle of the night in the last month.
So two things that I wrestle with...One I expect to have some resolution on, the other I hope I do (because I've spent a large amount of energy trying to figure it out) but possibly not.
First, it seems to make sense to me that there is hardly any openings to sharing the gospel in a worldly work environment. You are there to WORK. Open doors do happen but they also happen everywhere but it is small. So what then? I'm not going to go full tilt into a pastoral role with anything specific because I believe I'm not ready yet. That doesn't mean that I don't have burdens that are not time based that I need to wait on...so don't think I feel called to "idleness"
It's just that it seems to make sense to do that full time if that's all that matters. I've heard plenty of teaching on being a good worker wherever you are, but this is coming from men that are doing precisely what I would want to do and they are not doing day labor digging trenches so in my view it is easy for them to say that. So I have quite a few questions about that and there is some bitterness that I'm not willing to bring up because it's situational.
Second: I've spent a good bit of time doing very "humble" jobs. At one point because I thought it was funny. Like not even trying to accomplish anything and I've lost whatever my original motivation or flippancy for that mindset was. Probably for the best.
During the process, I just settled into trying to understand what makes a job a job, and what makes a career a career.
I also have been trying to understand how people can do this all their lives. How? Why? Am I being overly prideful by some of the thoughts that go through my mind about this type of work? Why would anyone want to work for minimum all their lives? Every job I work in for a period of time I eventually get to the point where all I need to do is ask for a promotion and I would get one. With Pizza, I'd make less by going through the ranks and it'd take a year+ to make more but making pizzas is essentially production work. Just keeps going on and on with no resolution. Sure you could just go where the money is the hottest and make it all about that...but that's not the right answer either.
I can be more clear about the second question if you ask. I will attempt to illuminate a bit of my own personal struggle as follows but it will probably get long so essentially the post ends here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've done day labor production work and during the process I felt like it was an obvious leading that "I'm not built for this type of work" but I'm stubborn and curious. "Well why not?!?" "Ok, I guess you'll have to see". So I got a job at an aerosol production facility. Brutally made it through one day...it felt like my mind was melting. I actually felt "stupider" by the second. I convinced myself that was ridiculous and the anxiety I was feeling was nonsensical. So I made it through one day. I got invited to come back (day labor is essentially a working interview). It was a 4 day weekend over Easter and even after the 4 days I came back, started putting bottle tops on carpet cleaner (very strenuous and fast paced) and was praying for something to break. Something broke. I immediately went to the office and told them I couldn't do this, I had no idea why. I'm sorry, I'll call the staffing agency and let them know.
They were understanding. I even asked them if that was normal. These were office people so I guess they didn't understand really. So I take to the internet and do some "foruming" and find that yes...you are either cut out for production or you are not. Some people can turn their brains off and work for 8-12 hours and some cannot. OK. at least some support. I'll cut out a few jobs for the sake of your time but each one I had I conversed with the Lord about it. "If I but had "x" " or "if I but had "z" " then I could do this.
Eventually I got everything I wanted. A clean bio-med warehouse. Quiet. Low physical intensity (other than standing). Relatively interesting for about a month. I was able to listen with headphones. The people were nice. I was even helping people by building oxygen tanks (which in my mind was what I asked for, making a difference in some way other than dollars) and STILL. Same effect. Eventually couldn't stand it. Kept going until eventually I got fired for tardiness (they were strict about this). I was SO happy when that happened. I tried! I failed! Wooo.
It's been like this at a lot of jobs. I keep pushing and keep pushing and feel like a dunce for doing so when I have other talents that I'm not using. Most of this feels like condemnation but some feels like conviction. So it's almost like I'm always in the wrong place. I "know" that but at the same time I get "people encouragement" from professed believers that I should just keep sticking with it and get promoted and make a life out of that and I'm like really? Why? People just want me to be successful according to the world's standards even in the church so it gets confusing. Seriously so.
I do appreciate being able to listen to the radio and grow in the word as I'm working. That I've always liked. Kind of why I picked Pizza again, to think. It's just like there's no more energy to make a decision and it gets so frustrating trying to live in the world and not of that I wonder if anyone else has such difficulties and how to combat them.
I have plenty of directions that I can take...but I want to know what precisely and that always escapes me. Possibly I don't have "plenty" of directions. I only have one...what he has called me to. Whatever that is, I'm getting frustrated immensely with the process.
I don't like working for other people, but that's what "I" don't like. So what do I do in such a situation? Force myself to do something "I" don't like in order to subjugate my fleshly wants and wishes, in an unproductive way it seems. Understand that with all the people that I've talked to about it, they end up just getting frustrated also. So that's why I'm just working where I'm working, enough to get by and be mostly self-sufficient (barring dental and medical which I think I need) but I feel like I'm being wasteful. I've also encountered quite a few closed doors within the church when I've reached out and possibly it's because I'm expecting them to hear when I haven't.
I don't know. Feeling pretty hum-drum about it now. I have most certainly prayed about it (a lot) and it has been a journey and I've met a lot of "randoms" that are Godly men at a few of the jobs that were definitely a blessing. It's like "hey, you are in the wrong place too!" "Yes, what are you doing here?" "Idk" ...they tried to help me then, and I just felt unsure. I have had some pretty solid "God moments" at each and every place, so it's not like it's been all "doom and gloom".
Any thoughts?
So basically I'm struggling with my job...I work Pizza delivery at present. I only got the job because I needed cash and was sitting around trying to figure out what the Lord's will was and what direction I needed to take...cash pressures essentially forced me to get the job. Delivery is easy. Cash immediately on start pretty much with tips (no need to wait for a paycheck).
I've been there for over 4 months now and for the last month every time I go in I feel fine until I get there and then I just get incredibly tired. Some of my shifts are only 4 hours and still it's like I've been up for 24hrs straight. When I finally get off I change and lay in bed and fall asleep as if I've been up that long and then wake up an hour later usually and everything is back to normal.
Diet is not the best, sleep is adequate.
I heard from two people about what I described and they said "that means you are done with the job" and I did a tiny bit of online research and came up with the same thing. So from a human perspective...obvious.
That's ONE part of it though...I've also heard from people in the church to be a light wherever I am and keep doing that until the Lord moves me somewhere else, but it's defining that "moving" that I'm having a challenge with. Plenty of strong support against but some support for as I've made connections and finally arrived at a point where I have upward mobility by not even really trying, other than being a good worker (colossians 3:23).
NOTE: What follows is my biggest challenge and I'm looking for feedback. I had this predicament the last pizza job I worked...basically Acts 6:2 stood out to me at the time because I felt like I was being wasteful with what I had as there was little opportunity to use it. Then the same thing woke me up in the middle of the night in the last month.
So two things that I wrestle with...One I expect to have some resolution on, the other I hope I do (because I've spent a large amount of energy trying to figure it out) but possibly not.
First, it seems to make sense to me that there is hardly any openings to sharing the gospel in a worldly work environment. You are there to WORK. Open doors do happen but they also happen everywhere but it is small. So what then? I'm not going to go full tilt into a pastoral role with anything specific because I believe I'm not ready yet. That doesn't mean that I don't have burdens that are not time based that I need to wait on...so don't think I feel called to "idleness"
It's just that it seems to make sense to do that full time if that's all that matters. I've heard plenty of teaching on being a good worker wherever you are, but this is coming from men that are doing precisely what I would want to do and they are not doing day labor digging trenches so in my view it is easy for them to say that. So I have quite a few questions about that and there is some bitterness that I'm not willing to bring up because it's situational.
Second: I've spent a good bit of time doing very "humble" jobs. At one point because I thought it was funny. Like not even trying to accomplish anything and I've lost whatever my original motivation or flippancy for that mindset was. Probably for the best.
During the process, I just settled into trying to understand what makes a job a job, and what makes a career a career.
I also have been trying to understand how people can do this all their lives. How? Why? Am I being overly prideful by some of the thoughts that go through my mind about this type of work? Why would anyone want to work for minimum all their lives? Every job I work in for a period of time I eventually get to the point where all I need to do is ask for a promotion and I would get one. With Pizza, I'd make less by going through the ranks and it'd take a year+ to make more but making pizzas is essentially production work. Just keeps going on and on with no resolution. Sure you could just go where the money is the hottest and make it all about that...but that's not the right answer either.
I can be more clear about the second question if you ask. I will attempt to illuminate a bit of my own personal struggle as follows but it will probably get long so essentially the post ends here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've done day labor production work and during the process I felt like it was an obvious leading that "I'm not built for this type of work" but I'm stubborn and curious. "Well why not?!?" "Ok, I guess you'll have to see". So I got a job at an aerosol production facility. Brutally made it through one day...it felt like my mind was melting. I actually felt "stupider" by the second. I convinced myself that was ridiculous and the anxiety I was feeling was nonsensical. So I made it through one day. I got invited to come back (day labor is essentially a working interview). It was a 4 day weekend over Easter and even after the 4 days I came back, started putting bottle tops on carpet cleaner (very strenuous and fast paced) and was praying for something to break. Something broke. I immediately went to the office and told them I couldn't do this, I had no idea why. I'm sorry, I'll call the staffing agency and let them know.
They were understanding. I even asked them if that was normal. These were office people so I guess they didn't understand really. So I take to the internet and do some "foruming" and find that yes...you are either cut out for production or you are not. Some people can turn their brains off and work for 8-12 hours and some cannot. OK. at least some support. I'll cut out a few jobs for the sake of your time but each one I had I conversed with the Lord about it. "If I but had "x" " or "if I but had "z" " then I could do this.
Eventually I got everything I wanted. A clean bio-med warehouse. Quiet. Low physical intensity (other than standing). Relatively interesting for about a month. I was able to listen with headphones. The people were nice. I was even helping people by building oxygen tanks (which in my mind was what I asked for, making a difference in some way other than dollars) and STILL. Same effect. Eventually couldn't stand it. Kept going until eventually I got fired for tardiness (they were strict about this). I was SO happy when that happened. I tried! I failed! Wooo.
It's been like this at a lot of jobs. I keep pushing and keep pushing and feel like a dunce for doing so when I have other talents that I'm not using. Most of this feels like condemnation but some feels like conviction. So it's almost like I'm always in the wrong place. I "know" that but at the same time I get "people encouragement" from professed believers that I should just keep sticking with it and get promoted and make a life out of that and I'm like really? Why? People just want me to be successful according to the world's standards even in the church so it gets confusing. Seriously so.
I do appreciate being able to listen to the radio and grow in the word as I'm working. That I've always liked. Kind of why I picked Pizza again, to think. It's just like there's no more energy to make a decision and it gets so frustrating trying to live in the world and not of that I wonder if anyone else has such difficulties and how to combat them.
I have plenty of directions that I can take...but I want to know what precisely and that always escapes me. Possibly I don't have "plenty" of directions. I only have one...what he has called me to. Whatever that is, I'm getting frustrated immensely with the process.
I don't like working for other people, but that's what "I" don't like. So what do I do in such a situation? Force myself to do something "I" don't like in order to subjugate my fleshly wants and wishes, in an unproductive way it seems. Understand that with all the people that I've talked to about it, they end up just getting frustrated also. So that's why I'm just working where I'm working, enough to get by and be mostly self-sufficient (barring dental and medical which I think I need) but I feel like I'm being wasteful. I've also encountered quite a few closed doors within the church when I've reached out and possibly it's because I'm expecting them to hear when I haven't.
I don't know. Feeling pretty hum-drum about it now. I have most certainly prayed about it (a lot) and it has been a journey and I've met a lot of "randoms" that are Godly men at a few of the jobs that were definitely a blessing. It's like "hey, you are in the wrong place too!" "Yes, what are you doing here?" "Idk" ...they tried to help me then, and I just felt unsure. I have had some pretty solid "God moments" at each and every place, so it's not like it's been all "doom and gloom".
Any thoughts?
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