Reflecting on 2019 and Preparing my heart for 2020

As I am reflecting on 2019, I can’t help but feel very blessed and astounded. Why it always seems to surprise me that God is good - I can’t truly put in words. The only explanation I have is that I forget. Because He doesn’t change.

In 2018 I experienced a huge identity crisis. I did not know who I was, where I belonged, what I wanted and most importantly I completely forgot Whose I am. This sent me tumbling from high to low, I had no direction because in the midst of the storm I completely ignored the only constant - the North Star which would have guided me. I also did not want to use the tools of direction I have at my fingertips. I did not pray or read the bible. As I drifted further and further into the storm and completely let go of the rudder, the impressions and worldly garbage began to infiltrate my mind and clutter up my soul. I knew all the scriptures and how a Christian should speak and act- and so I desperately did those things trying to fit the picture. “Cling to ministry and fake it ‘till you make it”. But this formula did not work for me this time around. I slipped more and more into the darkness. My grip just wasn’t strong enough to cling to the Lord.
In March 2018 I got accepted to go on the WordRace because it seemed to me - this would be a deed worthy of a good Christian, and so I went about raising funds but my heart was only half in it and quickly I felt more fear than faith and I wished I could opt out of any and all ministry I was involved in. My personal life - the wounds I let fester, they had now made a very weak and wounded Christian. I was exhausted.
After a sit down with my Cousin/Pastor whose children’s minister I currently was, I quit it all. Worldrace, ministry and began to just be a shadow in church. I barely even went there - my mind stayed outside the church walls. I lived in sin - and so I would sneak to the restroom 10 minutes before service end to sit in the restroom. Waiting for communion to be over. Every single Sunday. I was not ready to repent and turn to the Lord - I could not see or sense Him, I did not want what I had thus far experienced as a Christian any longer.

I moved away from my family and then quit going to church all together - pretending I was going to a church with members in my own generation. Every Sunday if anyone asked “how was church” I would say “Praise God, it was great”. And I am sure it was - I just wouldn’t know, now would I? It was great for someone for sure. Removing God’s light completely from my life in form of church, scripture and Christians had many different impacts. One - I was constantly stressed out. I became an anxious wreck, I felt I liked myself better this way - I felt I was “Nicer”and “better off this way”. This was the beginning of December 2018 and by the end of January I was already fed up. I could not live it.
Yes - I had too much of the World let seep into my soul to be of any good to a Christian life - but I had the Word of truth etched into my heart, mind and soul and so was of no good to the Word either. I belonged to neither place in the state I was in. Something had to give - Either Jesus had to move out or I had to move back into the House of my Father. I was but a Ghost of any of my former selves.

This is the desperate Journal entry I wrote on January 31st 2019
“Beautiful Jesus
I don’t know where to start. I’ve never been this lost before. I’ve made darkness my dwelling place instead of You. I’ve wished for men to do horrible things to me. I cannot seem to see myself as you do. I don’t like or love myself at all. Jesus I need help. I’m done running now. Please forgive me. Please heal me. Led me out of the darkness. Teach me your ways Jesus. Please help me. I am lonely. I am on my own. Nobody cares for me or helps me. I have only you. God I wish for a husband so much. Please God help me to hope that I won’t always be alone all my life. Please help me to know and love you in a real and meaningful way. Please teach me how to live in a way which will bring glory and honor to you. Teach me to trust you and rely on you only.”

I begged God to deliver me speedily. And three days later he opened a door for me to move to the other end of the USA. Moving in with the mother of a friend of mine. I did not know what compelled me to say yes - to begin selling and packing all I had. To buy a plane ticket and to move all the way from Ga to Wisconsin…. But I did. I knew if I did not get away from where I was - I would die a spiritual death.

My first weekend in Wisconsin, I went to the Church my friends go to, and Matt Cruiz was a guest speaker - Every word he said hit me in the right sort of way. It was about running from our calling, running and sinning over repentance. He was talking to believers not unbelievers. The Lord had worked on my heart that week and prepared all manner of things for me to release at the altar call. And that night when I worshipped - I saw Jesus. It was unlike anything I’ve experienced. It knocked me on my knees and I could not keep from crying. And I felt his peace wash away my pain. All he truly said was “Stop running now, my little dove. You have not messed up my Plans. I want you to now rest.” I was so relieved. Because I had been afraid I had run away again and made things worse than ever. But not according to Jesus.

I became closer to him over the months. And he opened door after door after door. Led me to my church home. To my home. To my current job. I now both have a driver’s license and a car. I’ve never felt more free or more happy and at peace than ever.

A year ago - I was at the darkest place I had ever been - perhaps even worse than when I was an unbeliever. Because when you haven’t seen the light you don’t truly know what the darkness is. But once you have seen the light and you return to darkness - it’s truly blinding.

But now I feel that my faith has become a whole different level of personal to me. I understand who I am in the Lord. And I also have learned that the past, though so painful and devastating to me in so many ways - is the past. If I don’t want it to ruin my future - I have to let it go. I have to forgive and bless those who have hurt me if I want to be forgiven myself.
Mercy triumphs over judgement. And Love has the last word, always. I just have to love people, serve people and in doing this - I please the Lord and in pleasing the Lord, my fellowship to Him is unbroken.

I know whose I am. And I care not where I am, what I do, who knows me or sees me just as long as I know His eyes are on me, and that I am His dwelling place. (I was going to say “Favorite Dwelling Place” But I am not opening that can of Worms )

This coming Year all I want is more of Jesus. To quiet the places which scream inside "MORE STUFF" or that crave distractions like tv or music to be bearable. To surrender all to the Lordship of Christ. Everything and to trust both God's plan, his process and his purpose for my past, present and future. One way I want to do this is by focusing on one good habit "To intentionally intercede" first thing every morning.

I would love to hear what 2019 held in store for you? What are your hopes for 2020? What are fears that you are facing or that have bothered you? I don’t know - I just would like to open the floor for people to be raw, real and honest here.


with christian love,
Heart Melody

Hey Heart Melody, thanks for sharing. That was funny about the “favorite dwelling place.” You should be happy, because not every person has that dwelling place though it is available to them. That you actually spend time with the Lord must cause Him to rejoice because why else did Christ die and resurrect but to reconcile us?

What inspired you to intercede? If you’re feeling like you actually want to witness change, pray on things that are definitive. If you have the gift of tongues, I’d say pray in the Spirit as you think upon whoever or whatever you are praying about. You mentioned forgiveness of people in your past, they too could use your prayer and how could you hate what you are blessing? Prayer can change the heart, your heart, towards an offense.

I also really liked you mentioning you getting your driver’s license and car. I am learning to drive at my age cause I never needed it before, but I have my permit and am hopefully in the coming months going to get my driver’s license. There have been fears thrown at me like fiery darts in this regard, but it’s more of a lack of activity in driving that allows the enemy to have ammunition. I’ve been praying the Lord impresses it upon the person who will teach me to drive to be consistent about it, so very soon I can make progress towards independence.

This year has been very interesting as the Lord too took me out of darkness and brought me into His glorious light. Set me free from deception and lies of the enemy, and has provided unto me hope and a vision. My steps now are walking into that vision and His promises. Learning to drive is one of those steps! Everything is about becoming a confident independent man, able to cultivate the relationships that are important to me.

Throw me into your intercessory prayer (if you don’t mind), that I walk into the peace the Lord has promised me, the financial independence He has personally promised me, and the love He is birthing between me and “the one”, His providence in me for her and her for me.

Thanks for reading.

Oh! And to overcome any fears hindering me from walking into my desires that are His plans, His will.

Loved you post HM it is wonderful to renew your heart with God. My desire is to move to TN sometime soon in 2020 and get back to a more country dwelling and grow a garden again as I feel closer to God in nature and I have been living in bigger cities for so many years now that I desire the quiet of wind blowing through trees and sounds of nature without traffic and people everywhere.

Closer to God is where I want to be in 2020 and closer to our family as I am so in hopes that our daughters will join us in TN also. So that is where I am for 2020 wanting to be closer to God and family.

Dear Heart_Melody I am so moved by your open faced honesty. Your relationship with God has gone through many seasons but you were and always will be his. I admire the lack of pretense. I have found that when I say "God, help me to love" he shows me where I don't love. This year may be a mix of growth and times of not being sure where to step next, but it is all authentic. I look forward to getting to know you better on this site. People like you are needed. Thank you for sharing.

Good Morning Dear Brother,
It's nice to meet you. You know what? I never knew how many people our age actually don't drive yet until I got my DL! Before then I felt like such a rarity, an odity - an nonfunctional part of our society. I can give you a list as long as my arm why it never worked out for me to get my License before now. But most importantly I think Satan wants you to feel isolated and ineffective. But I learned a lot during the 11 years of not being mobile at my own request. In many ways perhaps even saving me from myself as well.
But in his time I was given a father like figure, a new home and a patient teacher. I will intercede that this will come your way as well and that any doubts you have in your ability as a driver will melt away and you will emerge with wonderful confidence and new found freedom.

I felt like my prayer life is constant but I do mostly supplication on my own behalf. However I see the need of change in the lives of people I am close to that I care for. I want to target areas that need intervention and God's power in them. I want deliverance for my Brother and Father and to see the impact of my Church in my community grow. So I want to pray scripture and so seek God's will for these prayers. Thank you for the tip - I will speak specific prayers. : ) And I'd love to intercede for you too.

I pray you would trust the process God has for your life - and I would suggest that you listen to a song called "Hidden" by United pursuit. Literally it came on just now and I felt it strongly in my spirit it would be an encouragement for you.

I see my heart as a garden - I try to cultivate it for the Lord to have a beautiful place to sit and dwell inside myself. So - of course I wish my garden of dwelling to be the lords favorite. But naturally He loves us each equal measures but uniquely in his way.



God bless you brother! Thanks so much again for reading and feeling compelled to share your own story. <3

Thank you for the encouragement to listen to “Hidden” by United Pursuit. It did speak to me, and if you’d care to listen, this is why. Also appreciate the prayers.

I was in that place of darkness I mentioned and I was angry with God, deceived by the enemy to see the Lord as an enemy instead of a friend, my Heavenly Father. Feeling as if He was withholding good from me, and even more so, believing the lies the enemy told me about my inadequacy and not being able to ever walk in love or even being lovable.

This year I started really attending church again and as a result of walking in His will I have laid eyes upon the woman that will one day be my wife, and God delivered me from that darkness. That place of darkness and despair. He has given me hope, and set me free from what I once entertained because of the enemy’s lies. That lie was tied up in health issues I had and some I do have but the Lord will heal. I say had because God cured me of an autoimmune disease that doctors deemed incurable, and this one really hurt my perception of myself and one day walking in love. God healed me.

All of this to say, the song you shared with me spoke of trusting the Lord. And that is what 2019 has been putting in my heart, one piece at a time where the Lord has shown me that He cares about me and to cast my cares upon Him. That He will provide and give me the desires of my heart for they are His plans.

The song spoke of shadows and trusting His heart and intentions. Well, one thing my parents have taught me and I live by, is to wait upon the Lord. And so that I do and the Lord in this time is, as His word says, showing Himself to be faithful and true. As I walk into these promises, the more I see that He is gracious and compassionate. The shadows are different areas of lack that He will provide in. “He is my Shepherd, I shall not want.”

The great thing about the Lord leading you to trust Him, is that allows you to encourage others to trust Him because you then have a testimony to share.

I am nothing at this time Heart Melody, but God is making me something. I wish to add value into people’s lives and God is granting me that through the means of music and artistry. I have felt worthless and inadequate (even in respect to not driving, and no cash flow) but the Lord is transforming me. Equipping me to walk into love.

Thanks for sharing that song and praying for me.

I find this important too. His word says that He blesses those that are pleasing in His sight and who doesn’t want to be blessed by the Lord with wisdom, knowledge, understanding, joy, and even peace with his enemies? All these things are granted to the man pleasing in His sight.

Our desires are to be righteous and our intent pure and why then would He withhold His hand when He has given us His Son? We can ask, and the Lord is gracious and full of compassion.

Don’t be afraid to say “Search my heart O God” because we want nothing in our hearts that is not pure and righteous.

Hello there JL!
Thanks for your feed back. I couldn't agree more - renewing my commitment has changed lots in my walk with Jesus. I see - TN is beautiful. I loved the mountains there. I somehow was under the impression that I would see more of those here in Wisconsin but I was definitely wrong there. Still - I feel like I was made to live here.
Currently it's a wonderful snow day.

I really hope your desire will be granted and that you will soon find yourself surrounded by family and friends. Please keep me posted how this is progressing for you and whenever you feel need for extra prayer covering... would that be agreeable?

"Trust in the Lord completely,
and do not rely on your own opinions.
With all your heart rely on him to guide you,
and he will lead you in every decision you make.
Become intimate with him in whatever you do,
and he will lead you wherever you go." Proverbs 3:5-6 TPT (the passion translation)

Many blessings!

Dear Sister -
You have a heart of laughter and I have always hoped for a song in my heart. I couldn't help but notice this... Laughter is medicine to dry bones and so were your words. It soothes me to know that you recognized that I was trying to be transparent and without pretense. It's in my blueprint to despise fake news.
I want to encourage people to be open with their struggles - because when we are - and we come away from them - most like by way of an heroic act on Jesus Part, then we can more fully give Him the glory.

I look forward to learning from you and about your own walk with the Lord - Praise the Lord may he shower you with his love and mercy and fill you to overflowing with his living spirit that rivers of water will flow from your heart. May you be a beacon of light to your family and friends and community, and may you grow in wisdom, stature, favor and all the spiritual blessings.

Thanks for the thread, Hm. Ive began to reflect.. but am not ready to write yet=). Still I appreciate the testimony, and know many others have this testimony too, if the Lord allows them/us some time to collect our thoughts and share here!

Wow, Heart Melody! Your story was so inspiring. When I first read it, I was lost on words. Your prayers were answered, and I am so happy for you!
You have a very beautiful soul and Jesus knew that all along.
It's so refreshing to hear such an uplifting story. I think 2020 will be a fantastic year for you! I admire your courage to post this and I believe that you always had the light in you.

Sometimes we have to swim the rough waters of the ocean to get to the calming stream. Whatever we go through, God knows what is truly in our hearts, as he knew what was truly in yours. You are a person to look up to.

My 2019 had a little bit of a break through. I started getting help with a situation I'm currently in, and although I still don't have the full answer yet, I'm more prepared now to handle it if things get too bad. So 2020 will be looking up for me too. I want the new year to bring me not only answers, but the right answers.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it will help others on here.

Thank you for your kind note... I would never refuse prayer so please add us to your list. Tourist and I are married you may already know that...Prayers for you in your continued walk also.