My story of how I came to rely on God

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Aug 16, 2020
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#1
WARNING, this story is long...very long.

Figured I would “bite the bullet” and share my story. I hope my story can help someone else out going through the same issues I’m going through, or to show people how great God is.

I have asperger syndrome, it’s only mild but it effects me a lot, according to my mom I didn’t speak till I was 5 years old, having to do sign language as communication. School was okay for me, but I always struggle, especially with social interactions because I think and like stuff too much more than normal people, but since I’m mild, I’m still perfectly capable of doing stuff. I thank God that my condition is not “more severe”, but it does feel like sometimes I don’t have a place cause not a lot of people can claim to be mild asperger syndrome, with a love for God, but still like nerd stuff. But anyway I have gotten off track, it was in middle school, in the 6th grade, that I decided that I did not want friends nor to associate myself with my classmates. What happened was that my Social Studies teacher was trying to teach, but since everyone wouldn’t be quiet, we had to sit in silence for awhile. I thought that if there are people that don’t want to learn and just want to socialize, why are they at school? So I took my school life more seriously than my social life, it also doesn’t help when I tried to be social in Elementary school, people weren’t nice. I will always remember, there was a group of girls talking about Animal Crossing on the Nintendo DS, I wanted to join their conversation because I had Animal Crossing on the GameCube, they told me to go away. So anyway school was rough, there was fun stuff but it was just about me getting the good grades and going home. Church during this time was good too, like I went, but stayed with my parents and didn’t do any of the Sunday school stuff because I was really shy and wanted to be left alone.

So then life began to change when my parents divorced, that was in the 8th grade. It was a upsetting experience, I remember in the 9th grade, my brother’s dog escaped and got ran over...died sadly. I guess at that point all of the negative emotions from the divorce exploded out cause I cried and yelled I wanted a gun to end my life. My mom snapped me back to reality saying what would happen if I did kill myself. So then I had to change schools in the 10th grade cause my mom moved in with my now stepdad as they married back in 2012. The whole getting used to having step siblings and step parents was hard cause I wanted nothing to do with any of them. I wouldn’t need admit to people that I had step parents and called my stepdad “that person I know”. I freely tell people now my family situation but back then, it was hard for me to accept reality, that’s probably why I got sucked into the world of anime and the Internet as a whole.

In the 11th grade, I met a older kid in my neighborhood because his family helped my mom when having questions about my brother’s pet leopard gecko. So he showed Fairy Tail to me and gave me a list of shows to check out. At this point, I was familiar with the Internet as I checked Pokebeach for news and even looked at the forums (Never joined them, just looked at what people posted, I now realized how creepy that is, but doing that is what got me into My Little pony...yes I used to be a “Brony/Pegasusister” but stopped watching the show like 5 years ago, watched only up to season 4 because I lost interest) so now with my new knowledge on how to go to “streaming websites”, I watched what I could, then I found MAL (Myanimelist) and joined their forums in September 2014, which it was my first time in the forums and it was fun, however since I was so engrossed into anime, my money went into only anime, so I stopped doing Pokémon TCG in 2015 (I started playing in late 2009, in 8th grade, but with life finances growing, I stopped for a long while, but I knew people into TCG that I could call friends, but never kept up with most of them, only two people I still keep in contact from those days) cause I wasn’t doing well in tournaments plus rotating decks each year upsetted me. So that means most of what kept my time was anime.

-Part 1 of post...it turns out my original post was too long-
 
Aug 16, 2020
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#2
-Part 2 of my super long post-

I should mention at this time I graduated high school in 2014, I lived with my family but went to community college cause they said to me high school during those “Lessons on what to figure out to do in High School”, to go for jobs in something that interests you. I liked videogames and did learn on how a single person made Cave Story all by himself, took him 5 years but the final game he made was impressive, so that’s why I went into videogames (Wish I was smarter and thought “more realistically, but we can’t change the past). But somewhere along all of this major life changes, the thought occurred to me one day: “Why are Christians so mean to gay people?”, and with this random thought, Satan attacked and made me do the worst possible choice in all of my life: I got into homosexual porn.

You see at this point, I guess through all the bad stuff that has happened, I thought God as more of a “He watched me from the sky, and that’s it” and going to church, I went because my mom said I need to go. But my new hobby of anime took over my life, I felt like I needed to watch the shows that everyone praised as being amazing, I watched ecchi (Soft-core heterosexual porn shows) cause I was like “Japan’s so wacky, I watch this stuff for ‘shits and giggles’ “ (Sorry for my language, but that phrase perfectly describes my mindset during this time), and God just slipped further away and away from my mind, so I bought a BL manga (If you don’t know what BL is then good, you don’t want to know, but if anyone says: “Yeah I like BL/GL books” then get away from that person, or try to show them the goodness of God) from Barnes and Noble, then got a manga app and through some searching and adding, I read so much homosexual porn and even some heterosexual porn, but definitely more of the homo stuff. I even bought some Ecchi manga, as in I used to have Monster Musume on my shelf. Most people into anime pretty much know what this show is, but if you don’t...DON’T GOOGLE IT, it’s not worth looking at it, especially if you still struggle with porn.

But anyway, college during this time was okay, I went to classes and whatnot, but then things changed about my spring semester of my first year, into the start of my 2nd year. It was my first day in the “Game design 1” class and everyone had to introduce themselves to the people they were seated next to, so I tried to talk to man, probably in his 30s, as I said I like videogames and tried to make a funny joke to say my name sounds like royalty cause my first name means “Princess” in Hebrew, learned that from my mom, and that my middle name is “Elizabeth” which we all know is related to British Royalty names, like Queen Elizabeth. So this is the first time talking to this man, and he just straight up asks me: “Are you gay?”, I was appalled, why would he say that to me, I immediately said no back and I should have told the teacher, but didn’t. So anyway, about starting into my 2nd year of college, I had to start living on my own in the fall semester of my first year because my mom and stepdad were moving to Bandera because my stepdad had built his retirement home out there, he is turning 70 this year so he is older. But I don’t know how it happened, but I had a panic attack during class as I was trying to work on my work. My mom explained these changes as my hormones finally activating and it just hurt cause all this time I didn’t want a man, but reading romance manga made me think how nice it would be for a man to love me, so to see my mind and body be uncomfortable around women legit hurt me. I took therapy and got on antidepressants, therapy stopped but I stayed on the antidepressants for 3 years. During all of this, I talked to my Dad and when told me that those who accept Christ are reborn, the old self before knowing Christ dies, I knew what I needed to do.

So I sold off all anime and manga that had homosexual or heterosexual porn stuff happen, or even if it had “hints of homosexuality” then it got sold. During this time, I went to church when I could, as I had to drive a hour to go to my Dad’s church. There were churches around me and even thought about it, but avoided joining them cause it would be me, all alone and I didn’t feel comfortable going to church by myself, including the fact that during the “greet your fellow church goers”, I would sit because I didn’t want to talk to people, nor did I want people hugging me...yeah I was a loner, definitely. So I got better, college was hard because I didn’t reach out for help because I stopped getting help in the 9th grade, because before the 9th grade I had a “helper aide” that would go with me from class to class, so I kinda formed this mentality of “I need to take care of this stuff on my own”. So I failed two classes which put me back 2 years from graduating, but I finally got around to graduating in May 2019.

So I moved in with my mom and we did bible studies/fit for god stuff, but somewhere along the way, I fell back into old habits with watching homosexual anime. I use Crunchyroll and VRV (Not anymore though) and those homosexual shows would be there, sitting in front of me on my app, and just clicked and watched some. I don’t even know why, but anyway then the virus stuff happened.

So then the virus stuff happened and really put my life at a stand still. I couldn’t do what I was doing, plans I made for the Summertime to show anime at my local library were put on hold, my first Pokémon TCG tournament I was going to hold at the library in May got canceled, and everything else in general. So I was like with all my extra free time, that I would marathon some anime. It was great at first, but then I got sad and even started to wonder: “What am I doing with my life?” and would cry at basically anything. But it was talking to my mom, looking up Christian websites for guidance, and sharing the struggles I’ve been through, cause the struggles I was going through reminded me exactly of the struggles I had during college, with hormones acting up and not even knowing what I am sexually, it hurts. Like going through this stuff has been some of the most exhausting pain ever. I realized, that my faith foundation was weak, my faith foundation was “Me trying to prove that random guy from college that I’m not gay”, I realized that I’m not doing this to prove a person wrong, I NEED TO BELIEVE IN GOD FOR MY SALVATION. Not to prove anything or to fit in, this is MY SALVATION at stake here, I follow God because I truly believe, if I don’t I will not be saved.

So during this pandemic, I’ve reached out to do therapy online, and have recently got back on antidepressants. I know everyone might not agree with being on medication, but while therapy did help, it wasn’t enough and I would have explosive amounts of emotions come out, wether that be rage, sadness, or anxiety. I was struggling to stay happy and when my therapist said it was nice to see me smile cause she said it was first time she saw me smile, I cried. She asked why I’m crying and I’m like: “I don’t know”. So yeah I’ve been trying to do stuff, like exercise more to relive my stress, sold off even more anime I didn’t want on my shelf, and gave away manga I didn’t want on my shelf to the local library. Plus I’m trying to put a routine in my life to show myself that I do have a meaningful life.

Sure I still struggle, Christians that say: “Once you’re Christian you will have no more worries” are lying, it is through the rough times that our faith is tested and strengthened for God, and I feel like this stuff has improved my faith. I struggle with temptations of eating sweets/snacks, being lazy, judging people, not praying/forgetting to pray, I get worried and doubt really easily, and watching stuff with bad language, but I know I’m human and not perfect. That doesn’t mean I will sin all the time, because just cause Jesus died for our sins, doesn’t mean you should live “however you want to live it”, you want to live it FOR GOD, and God alone. The troubled thoughts I have, is not God and just Satan trying to drag me down, so that’s another struggle. Plus, trying to find “a potential boyfriend” on dating websites didn’t work (Too many rude men or men wanting to take things too fast, someone actually asked me if I was a virgin, do catholic people usually do that? Cause on his profile it said his religion was Catholic. But yeah it was a good experience and it did make me happy that men were interested in me, but it did make me sad to cancel out my accounts to websites I signed up for, but I don’t think I’m mentally ready yet for anything serious and I’m glad I realized that when doing dating websites), but I decided I want to try to enjoy and appreciate what I have now, cause I do forget sometimes how great my life is right now. I also believe that through God and being made into a new person, I can chose who I want to be in following God, I know he ultimately decides everything, but I know that God has plans for me, and he decides if I get a boyfriend or not, I will wait and be patient in the lord.

So that’s my story right now. If you actually read the whole thing, thanks.

I also want to leave links for the articles that helped me, just in case if it can help someone else like me:

Link 1: https://www.crossway.org/articles/w...-that-the-bible-condemns-homosexual-practice/

Link 2: https://www.crossway.org/articles/is-homosexual-orientation-sinful/

Link 3: https://www.crossway.org/articles/what-does-the-bible-say-about-being-born-gay/
 
Aug 19, 2020
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#3
Wow, it sounds like you haven't had it too easy (who has these days?) and even though you're still struggling with things, it's amazing and easy to see how God is working through your life and how his power has affected and changed you. But yeah, God never promised our lives would be easy if we follow him. Actually he said it'd be hard, but we have the hope of heaven because we know God is faithful and will never abandon us.

I do want to caution not to give too much personal info on this site because it is publicly visible and google searchable, and you never know what kind of weirdos are out there.
 

Mandy17

Junior Member
Oct 30, 2015
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Wow, first of all I just wanted to say that I am SO happy that you decided to turn to God despite all of the obstacles and challenges you've faced in your life. I don't know what it's like to live with aspergers, however I've suffered from social anxiety issues ever since I was very small, and it made life very difficult for me, I've always felt like an outsider that couldn't socialize with anyone. I dropped out of school in grade 9 because my life felt directionless and pointless. Since accepting God into my life it's gotten a lot better but I still face challenges on a daily basis.

I had 2 closer friends as a kid but they've dropped off because they don't agree with my beliefs. My ENTIRE family has rejected me for my beliefs, and my brother is an atheist now. So right now I don't really have any friends except for my husband. We met online and chatted for years so that made me feel a lot more comfortable moving forward in our relationship. I felt like that was God blessing me because he knew I had challenges with talking to people in person lol.

I think most of us have suffered from sexual temptations and perversions in our lives because it's always in our faces and it's what the world promotes. We're going to have struggles with it, but as long as we try our best to fight back against it with the help of our Heavenly Father, that's what matters. :)

God bless you sister!!!
 

tourist

Senior Member
Mar 13, 2014
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#5
I read most of it trying to hit the high points. I am sure that your testimony will help others in their own personal struggle. I appreciate your honesty and candor that you displayed.

Regarding dating sites, even though this site's primary purpose is to promote Christian fellowship a few serious relationships have developed leading to marriage. I met my wife on this site who is also a member shortly after I joined so anything is possible.

You are correct in saying that Christians are lying when they say once you become a Christian all your worries are over. Fortunately, we can give our cares, worries, and anxiety over to the Lord because it is a burden that is too heavy for us to carry. Living your life can indeed be a struggle but take comfort in knowing that God will neither leave us nor forsake us.

The struggle is real but so is God. I pray that He blesses you as you continue the adventure of life. I would have to say also that you are on the right spiritual track. It may seem like a lonely place at times but God understands about loneliness too. He wants us to have life and to have it more abundantly. I will pray this for you.

God Bless You.
 
Aug 16, 2020
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#6
Wow, it sounds like you haven't had it too easy (who has these days?) and even though you're still struggling with things, it's amazing and easy to see how God is working through your life and how his power has affected and changed you. But yeah, God never promised our lives would be easy if we follow him. Actually he said it'd be hard, but we have the hope of heaven because we know God is faithful and will never abandon us.

I do want to caution not to give too much personal info on this site because it is publicly visible and google searchable, and you never know what kind of weirdos are out there.
Thanks, I have it to where only members can view my profile, that doesn’t stop someone from making a profile to contact me, but if I remember they have a block feature on this website. I’m really glad I decided to join CC, I feel like everyone I’ve talked to so far understands and accepts me, it means so much to me ^_^
 
Aug 19, 2020
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The profiles have privacy protection options, but forum posts are still public so things like locations and names are still a potential risk to reveal.
 
Aug 16, 2020
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#8
The profiles have privacy protection options, but forum posts are still public so things like locations and names are still a potential risk to reveal.
That is true...hmm, maybe I need to edit? Lol 😅

Edit: I just looked, it looks like editing can be done, but not if the post is too old, whoops >~<
 
Aug 19, 2020
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#9
I was looking for the edit feature the other day. Not sure if they have one! lol I read elsewhere that the edit button is only available after the first five minutes a post is made. I'm sure you could also contact an admin to make any changes though.
 
Aug 16, 2020
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#10
I was looking for the edit feature the other day. Not sure if they have one! lol I read elsewhere that the edit button is only available after the first five minutes a post is made. I'm sure you could also contact an admin to make any changes though.
Okay, I looked and the only real thing I said was a town name. The edit feature from what I’ve seen is, look for the “tiny three dots” at the bottom area of your post, click that to edit.

Edit: It’s near the “Report” at the bottom of a post
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#11
thanks for sharing Sarah, just to encourage you, this is a journey and walking with Christ is day by day so just keep putting one foot in front of the other a step at a time and before you know it the little changes He makes in you are transforming you from the inside out.
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
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#12
Wow, first of all I just wanted to say that I am SO happy that you decided to turn to God despite all of the obstacles and challenges you've faced in your life. I don't know what it's like to live with aspergers, however I've suffered from social anxiety issues ever since I was very small, and it made life very difficult for me, I've always felt like an outsider that couldn't socialize with anyone. I dropped out of school in grade 9 because my life felt directionless and pointless. Since accepting God into my life it's gotten a lot better but I still face challenges on a daily basis.

I had 2 closer friends as a kid but they've dropped off because they don't agree with my beliefs. My ENTIRE family has rejected me for my beliefs, and my brother is an atheist now. So right now I don't really have any friends except for my husband. We met online and chatted for years so that made me feel a lot more comfortable moving forward in our relationship. I felt like that was God blessing me because he knew I had challenges with talking to people in person lol.

I think most of us have suffered from sexual temptations and perversions in our lives because it's always in our faces and it's what the world promotes. We're going to have struggles with it, but as long as we try our best to fight back against it with the help of our Heavenly Father, that's what matters. :)

God bless you sister!!!
Hi such a joy to read your comments..👍👍
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
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#13
Wow..well done for making such an amazing effort to type out your testimony.Great to read it through and i am sure many here can most definatley relate to different elements of your story.You have gone through a lot over the years and life as a Christian is always a bit like a battle field at times and God is right there in the midst of our struggles with temptations,people,memories letdowns,stresses ect...we are NEVER alone.God is still developing you and i pray that in Jesus name you experience more and more of his leading in your life.You are a blessing on here and i know you shared some very personal things in your testimony...I appreciate you and may all the responses you receive here make you feel warmth and appreciation.🤗🤗🤗🙏👍
 

Encouragement

Well-known member
Aug 25, 2020
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#14
Hi Sarah I just felt to send you this..I use to be here in C.C under the name of Stewart(my middle name)and I left here around 2017.The chats I did back then may be still there but the poems I wrote still ate from 2017.I did a poem called "God knows your pain"..just can just do a search for it..and may the word of that poem really speak direct into your heart.

God bless.😊😊