I wish I didn’t exist

M1chaeL · Sep 9, 2020

I get so tired of everything at times I wish nothing existed. I wish all the pain and confusion would go away and nothing would exist. I know God loves me, but Christianity itself gets annoying at times. Conspiracy theories, false doctrines, knowing who to trust or not. If I said I didn’t want to exist I’d probably be yelled at for being selfish, but that’s why I didn’t want anything or anyone to exist to begin with, the imperfection and confusion with things like selfishness. Sometimes I worry I can’t love God and fear him at the same time and I get so afraid I want to run away. I was born wrong, and I’m always guilty, so I just wish I didn’t exist. To have the opportunity to even know God is a blessing but some people will inevitably not accept and I’m not better then any of them, I’m just a piece of garbage given an unfair advantage with the situations and circumstances which developed my character in a way where I got to know Him, but I did nothing. It all just feels like luck.
If I say “I feel conflicted” God would probably just throw me in Hell.
It feels like he hates me, I don’t want to exist, and for saying that on judgement he will throw me away.

If I’m so guilty why exist?
Why try to love when I’m imperfect and I’m conflicted getting mad at God and life.

Religious scholars would probably call me a piece of trash, I didn’t ask to exist but I’m still horrible and there is no escape. There is no escape with how horrible I am and I’m always hated, why even exist.

I feel forced to love because I have to exist and I don’t want to love God because it feels difficult and confusing at times.
I’m conflicted about things and it’s hard to want to love, so I want to distract myself for something neutral, something that doesn’t just want to throw me in hell because I’m horrible and hated and it leads nowhere so I feel forced to go to God for comfort.

I’ve always been hated and I can’t take away my existence so I just feel sad and broken

tourist · Sep 9, 2020

Job got tired of pain and suffering too and wished that he never existed. However, God had plans for him and he has plans for you too. God does not want to throw you in hell. Jesus saves. I go to God for comfort too but I don't feel forced to do so but rather I am drawn to God. I will say a prayer for God to address these thoughts that are going through your mind that don't belong there.

Magenta · Sep 9, 2020

M1chaeL said:

Have you ever involved yourself in ongoing endeavors that attempt to help those less fortunate than yourself?

SoulWeaver · Sep 10, 2020

tourist said:

You hit the nail on the head, tourist. When this type of thoughts find their place in the mind, they try to make themselves comfortable and learn to mimic our own voices, as if they are our own. But we are not ignorant of satan's devices and know whose voices they are. Living like parasites in our minds...

Dear @M1chaeL,
You need to learn to discern and start rejecting the thoughts that aren't from above... it's time to put the armor of God on and start filtrating what comes into your ears.

"Lift up your head, oh you gates. Even lift them up, you everlasting doors (of hell). For the king of glory shall come in. Who is this king of glory? The Lord strong and mighty, the Lord mighty in battle"
Can you believe this?
Only if you can believe this, it will all be good.
It's not all down to you or me or anyone, because if it was, all would be doomed to fail. We have someone VERY powerful fighting for us.

SoulWeaver · Sep 10, 2020

In Jesus' name, we rebuke the deceiver and liar, who wants Michael to believe that he's unwanted, hopeless, garbage and that it would be better if he didn't exist. The liar says that, even though he knows that the books of Michael's DNA would fill the entire Colorado valley to the brim, if they were printed on paper. That's how important Michael is, and how much work went into his creation, because God wonderfully made him in His own image, and spared no effort for His precious child.
Sure satan wants to take down every child of God he can, but his plans will be thwarted, starting NOW, in Jesus' name.
Amen and thank you Jesus

bojack · Sep 10, 2020

M1chaeL said:

Hi Bro, you must be pretty important to Jesus to be under such spiritual attack .. Find some scriptures and speak them over your life and others every day until it becomes your life . We're talking about reality ..... Be patient, I heard a preacher say one time that when a farmer plants a seed , he doesn't go out there every day and dig it back up to see if it's working but has faith in due time it will produce .. Jesus said ''I AM'' and you are too if you are in Him .. Confess the scripture until it begins to fill you and becomes the ne you .. It could take a week or two to begin to see a difference .. There are people who have every thing money , looks, fame, friends, but still are miserable even commit suicide or depend on drugs/alcohol and twofaced .. So many Christians are sick and I've been there too .. I finally got where I was sensitive to others needs and to where I could listen to others and feel for them to take time to pray and love them for real .. I finally arose above the normal problems and learned how to live in the Spirit .. You can do it and it's expected that you grow in the Spirit .. God knows you and if you had all the things you think would make you happy or popular or whatever who knows that you would walk away from God thinking you don't need him anymore .. Be thankful for where you are and what you can learn from it .. Look at it as a blessing then overcome it with the Word and the Spirit .. Don't ever give up or even slow down .. Jesus and some one else needs your victory and testimony .. Go ahead and prepare , do it , learn spiritual warfare , some one is depending on you what ever you can offer and you have Life to live .. Get into psalms and proverbs then keep moving and praying and thanking Jesus now .. I'm already proud of you . God Bless from your older brother in Jesus .. You must train like a warrior .. The Lord is a man of war ..

SarahUmbreon · Sep 10, 2020

I want to say this, I have been through what you have been through. I have thought of killing myself twice, one time for my brother’s dog getting ran over, and yelling I needed a gun, that was back in High school before I knew God, thinking on it now, I had those words come to me as a way to escape the pain of losing of beloved pet and that my parent’s divorce was still pretty fresh, as in life was changing in a direction I didn’t want it to go. The other time I thought of killing myself, was when I was talking to my Dad about going to a anime convention and I was talking about how excited I was to go, but he said it wasn’t smart of me and said I needed to be saving money. The pain just felt so bad, thought of drinking some drain cleaner I had in my house, I had to throw it on the top shelf of my bathroom closet and cried in bed. Suffering is something that will happen, for the world we live in is broken. Also, apparently my mom had a “still-born” before she gave birth to me, sometimes I would think what if that baby got to live instead....darn it, typing that sentence up just started to make me cry a bit. But I read something probably last year I wanna say that has helped me to see sufferings and pain in a new light, it was on how God strengthens us and forms us through the good times and bad times, just like how a metal worker works on a piece of metal until it is just right. So everything that happens has a purpose, will be praying for you to keep strong in God, even through the tough times.

SoulWeaver · Sep 10, 2020

bojack said:

Exactly......... "When you do expend ammunition?"

@M1chaeL , Good morning dear soul. Been thinking about your post and stopped by to see how you're doing... have you ever been evaluated for depression, and if you were, what's the current therapy? How long have you felt this way? Did some things happen to you to cause you to feel this way about yourself and the world? The world we live in isn't in a good condition or conducive to happiness, I'll give you that. I've struggled with depression myself since I was a child, so I feel extra sensitive to others who feel the same. I'm not your happy go lucky person showering meaningless "just be positive" advice; I've been where you're at, and know how it goes. I've been suicidal. I thought also I was worthless junk. Taking charge over your mind and learning healthy ways and rejecting the unhealthy, is extremely important and should always be the first step, I used to hate and despise myself like you. I unlearned it through the Word of God and rejecting the dark thoughts that wanted to dominate my mind. The more you accept them the stronger they sound. It took time but it gradually went away. I still have dark days, but I'm not as subceptible as I once was. I did it without medication. But sometimes a prescription medicine is a good choice and will help you get going. It is not a sin or weakness to reach out and get medical help, and that might be something for you to consider.

Fundamental · Sep 11, 2020

Look the other way...
We often feed our thoughts by looking in the wrong direction. If we get all emotional about what the world throws at us it’s easy to get depressed.

But we are not here to conform to this world, we are here to be renewed and to resist the evil forces to be shaped like diamonds.

justahumanbeing · Sep 30, 2020

M1chaeL said:

Brother, I feel you.

You should not be hard on yourself. Nowhere in the Bible does God call for His children to hate themselves. You have a lot of loathing for yourself from what you've shared here. Sure, others can freely hate you for whatever reasons. Haters are gonna hate. You can't stop that.

You are supposed to be your best friend and are supposed to accept yourself as you are. Because even as you are now and for as long as you're here, God loves you. We're not going to be here on earth forever. Nothing is forever. Everyone passes on when their time comes. So don't spend precious time hating yourself. It's not worth the effort.

Love yourself. Love those around you. If you cannot love yourself and accept yourself, you won't be able to accept others either. It all starts with you. Don't be afraid to seek help from wherever you can, from whatever you can.

Always love yourself. If you can hate yourself, you should find it in yourself to love yourself too. Be compassionate towards your person and have some self respect. Respect to self comes before showing respect to others. You deserve all good things in life. But make sure that you work towards setting things right. Change does not come in one day. It will take time. Keep chipping on that rock. It's bound to give in one day.

Call on Jesus. He's always available to hear you and help you. There is power in uttering His name. It is a powerful name. So call on "Jesus".

"What a man thinks is what he really is". Proverbs 23:7 Don't take your thoughts for granted. They have the power to change you and determine who you are and the kind of life you will live. Do not entertain negative emotions and thoughts in your mind. Be mindful of the media you consume on a daily basis. Learn meditation techniques. Work on yourself.

Gob bless you.

blueluna5 · Sep 30, 2020

M1chaeL said:

I've been in your shoes before. Even today it's a daily struggle to bring my thoughts to Jesus and his ways.

Some of the things you mention though I've grown passed it. Wishing I didn't exist. In my case there were 2 reasons for this. I met an angel in a dream (I was very sick at the time) and around the same time I had an out of body experience. I then taught myself to Astral project and create lucid dreams.

When you walk around in the spirit you feel like nothing and everything at the same time. I became grateful to just have a body. I began to really pay attention to my surroundings. Picking up an object and really observing it... the way a toddler does. Yet we lose this skill as an adult.

For lucid dreams, I could enjoy things that typically we can't like flying. I could analyze dreams better and remember them better. People think being lucid takes away the lesson God is trying to teach. Not so, I learn more or the same being lucid. He's aware of what I'm doing.

Being near to an angel really changed my views.... on so much with Christianity. While I did feel fear it was probably 10% fear and 90% love. A greater love than I've ever experienced. Earth is quite bland when comparing it with God's love. Yet, I stayed..obviously. Loving others and God is the reason for everything. Though... loving God is easy. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle eternity bc honestly it feels so good it almost hurts. If it were a pill, no person would go without it. I miss him literally every day and that was years ago. But I know God is always close as well.

There are things outside this world. You're already involved in it, but don't realize it. When you go to bed at night talk to God and he will give you the answers. He will give you the desires of your heart.

AllieOwls · Sep 30, 2020

Hi I’m new here and well hopefully this will give me the peace I need. I became saved at 16 but I wasn’t really living for GOD but now I am, at 28. I am so excited and want to tell everyone about GOD but it’s like I never seem to do it right. I don’t try to be pushy and I try to always come with love and humbleness. I’ve committed many sins and I want others to understand that I’m not judging them for theirs because I can see why they would commit that sin, and that I’ve came from those sins and saw that it only lead to heartbreak for me. So I recently ran into some who committed the sin of homosexuality. A fellow Christian told them it was not a sin, and I didn’t want them to be mislead so I spoke from the heart and said yes it was a sin, and that we all are sinners and that not sinning isn’t what gets us to heaven it’s Jesus Christ. believing that he died for our sins and that if we believe that and live our lives according to his word we will be saved. I also shared my various sins. Including my struggles with same sex attractiveness. I was told that I shouldn’t be speaking on homosexuality because I never committed that sin and same sex attractiveness is not the same. Which I understand what they are implying. I never acted on my sin. I was just trying to come with understanding. Anyway long story short. I want to minister to people about God,’but when I do it seems it’s never right. I pray seek Gods word talk to other Christians and when I feel like I have a the message from God I share. It’s so hard being a Christian because we are told to share Gods word but don’t come across pushy and that we need to share his exact word, some tell me just saying God Bless you and praying for someone is enough others say it’s not. I watch people twist his word and then I question if I am wrong. And I sound insane I know, but in my brain I am constantly worrying what if I’m wrong and not doing what God wants, what if the others are right. I still stuggle with my own sins daily. I really just want to die. I’m not going to kill myself. But I’m so worried that I’m not living God enough for God and I’m not sharing his word Good enough and I want to

Magenta · Sep 30, 2020

AllieOwls · Sep 30, 2020

AllieOwls said:

Hi I’m new here and well hopefully this will give me the peace I need. I became saved at 16 but I wasn’t really living for GOD but now I am, at 28. I am so excited and want to tell everyone about GOD but it’s like I never seem to do it right. I don’t try to be pushy and I try to always come with love and humbleness. I’ve committed many sins and I want others to understand that I’m not judging them for theirs because I can see why they would commit that sin, and that I’ve came from those sins and saw that it only lead to heartbreak for me. So I recently ran into some who committed the sin of homosexuality. A fellow Christian told them it was not a sin, and I didn’t want them to be mislead so I spoke from the heart and said yes it was a sin, and that we all are sinners and that not sinning isn’t what gets us to heaven it’s Jesus Christ. believing that he died for our sins and that if we believe that and live our lives according to his word we will be saved. I also shared my various sins. Including my struggles with same sex attractiveness. I was told that I shouldn’t be speaking on homosexuality because I never committed that sin and same sex attractiveness is not the same. Which I understand what they are implying. I never acted on my sin. I was just trying to come with understanding. Anyway long story short. I want to minister to people about God,’but when I do it seems it’s never right. I pray seek Gods word talk to other Christians and when I feel like I have a the message from God I share. It’s so hard being a Christian because we are told to share Gods word but don’t come across pushy and that we need to share his exact word, some tell me just saying God Bless you and praying for someone is enough others say it’s not. I watch people twist his word and then I question if I am wrong. And I sound insane I know, but in my brain I am constantly worrying what if I’m wrong and not doing what God wants, what if the others are right. I still stuggle with my own sins daily. I really just want to die. I’m not going to kill myself. But I’m so worried that I’m not living God enough for God and I’m not sharing his word Good enough and I want to

I guess my question is does anyone else go through this or am I just crazy. I feel like I’m constantly being attacked by fellow Christians for not sharing Gods word right and it’s so hard that I just want to shut down and not due it but then I feel convicted if I don’t. I littlerly feel convicted from all sides.

M1chaeL · Sep 30, 2020

Even if you’re imperfect God still loves you. We’re all imperfect on purpose, so we can rely on God and love Him. Because we’re relying on God and not yourself, focus on God’s ability and not your own. Maybe even forget about how strong you and dismiss it because, God is who you rely on, not yourself and by focusing on Him, you can understand how much He can help you.

At the end, the whole purpose isn’t about being perfect or good enough, it’s about a relationship with God. Cry out to Him. I have had trouble getting out of my comfort zone, I keep wanting to waste away, but if I just surrender and give myself to Him, I realize how very deeply I’m loved.
I’m so sorry you have wanted to die, you are so precious to God, He is your creator and he cares for you. He even knows the amount of hairs on your head.
You can only help so many people, what God wants us to do is just TRY. We won’t be perfect and help everyone in the best way possible. We’re not God, and we will just have to trust that God will take care of them. Maybe if God doesn’t help someone through you, it will be through some other way, but He still loves you and the people you want to help.

AllieOwls said:

M1chaeL · Sep 30, 2020

I feel kinda the same way at times too. False doctrines, confusion over things in the Bible, difficult doctrines to accept, it gets difficult at times.
The main purpose however is loving God, don’t worry so much about perfection and get into legalism.

Being Christian doesn’t mean we won’t have struggles, but God is still there for us to rely on.

God wants us to try our best for the most part, keep asking Him for guidance, don’t worry so much about being perfect, that was Jesus’ job for us. Because of Jesus’ sacrifice for our sins, you don’t have to worry so much about perfection.

Have you been on any Christian discord servers? That has helped me with Christian issues I have had. I’m in multiple Christian servers, but Grace Fellowship seems to be the best one so far.

AllieOwls said:

Johari · Oct 2, 2020

M1chaeL said:

Make those haters your motivators! Everyone isn't going to hate you nor love you and that's okay. You can try to please them and some still won't like you! Don't take it personal though. I used to but then I realized there's always going to be people who hate or love me no matter what. I was watching an episode of Joel Osteen once and he said the same thing I thought years ago. He also said that some people will be indifferent or lukewarm which I never thought of but it's true.

The point is you don't need everyone to love you. GOD and JESUS loves you in addition to some family members and friends.

pottersclay · Oct 2, 2020

AllieOwls said:

God's word is shared with these 3 things.....love.... kindness....concern. Guess what if you share God's word you have all 3.
Share what you know to be true.... Share your testamony. Don't get caught up in debated and doctrine issues that's not the gospel.
Our commission is the good news...Christ crucified.

SoulWeaver · Oct 2, 2020

AllieOwls said:

You will know when the Holy Spirit wants you to speak to someone, God will put it on your heart. It's already put on your heart that it's the right thing to do - you're just confused as to when and how to speak but God will help you with that... Sometimes it will be to speak, sometimes it will be to help someone in God's name... but you will know what's right to do every time. God will guide you. Still your heart, and don't allow fear to confuse you. We do not share Jesus because we are scared.

Edgar82 · Oct 3, 2020

bojack said:

Hi Bro, you must be pretty important to Jesus to be under such spiritual attack .. Find some scriptures and speak them over your life and others every day until it becomes your life . We're talking about reality ..... Be patient, I heard a preacher say one time that when a farmer plants a seed , he doesn't go out there every day and dig it back up to see if it's working but has faith in due time it will produce .. Jesus said ''I AM'' and you are too if you are in Him .. Confess the scripture until it begins to fill you and becomes the ne you .. It could take a week or two to begin to see a difference .. There are people who have every thing money , looks, fame, friends, but still are miserable even commit suicide or depend on drugs/alcohol and twofaced .. So many Christians are sick and I've been there too .. I finally got where I was sensitive to others needs and to where I could listen to others and feel for them to take time to pray and love them for real .. I finally arose above the normal problems and learned how to live in the Spirit .. You can do it and it's expected that you grow in the Spirit .. God knows you and if you had all the things you think would make you happy or popular or whatever who knows that you would walk away from God thinking you don't need him anymore .. Be thankful for where you are and what you can learn from it .. Look at it as a blessing then overcome it with the Word and the Spirit .. Don't ever give up or even slow down .. Jesus and some one else needs your victory and testimony .. Go ahead and prepare , do it , learn spiritual warfare , some one is depending on you what ever you can offer and you have Life to live .. Get into psalms and proverbs then keep moving and praying and thanking Jesus now .. I'm already proud of you . God Bless from your older brother in Jesus .. You must train like a warrior .. The Lord is a man of war ..

He really is important to Jesus. In the NBA you always see other teams double or even triple teaming Lebron because he’s important. The enemy goes after Gods children, Gods warriors but we have to be vigilant thru his Word and prayer. Have Faith brother our Lord will not allow anything you can’t bare.

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