Help with daughter

I agree with you totally.
The way we operated in our house was to address things far before they got out of hand. When I saw a problem I sat them down at the table and had a discussion. I never allowed mine to brood in their emotions, and I never sent a child to their room to think about it. It's absurd to send a youngster to as we say, "stew in their own juices" . Clearly they are having emotional problems and thus not thinking right. It's best to put it right out on the table. So things never got like that at my house. My daughter tried that stuff when she got in her teen years, and it resulted in many tough conversations at the table. She moved out as soon as she became an adult. Now as an adult with a family of her own, she loves daddy a lot. She went from Daddy's Little girl, to daddy must be Satan, to Daddy's big Girl.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that you grab her by the arms and legs and toss her out the nearest window.
It starts with a sit down talk where mom and dad speak as an authority. If you are to remain here, these things must change. (One of those things is finding a way to addressed feelings in a healthy respectful manner) If you can't find it in your ability to do these things, then it's time to find your own place.

Is the problem just between you and her? I think two adult women in the same household is generally a recipe for conflict.

Talking is the best thing to do to resolve whatever issue. If she doesn't want to talk, leave her alone. You can tell her to her room/go outside if she wants to be alone; dining/living areas are communal spaces. As she is an adult woman, I don't think it is wise to project too much authority over her and treat her like a child. If you tell her "obey me or leave," there might be some lifelong consequences. If I were the mother, I would ignore the daughter for a while and give her space. It could just be a space issue.

If the adult child is rude in an extreme way (name-calling (usage of bad words), bad/violent temper, smokes in the house, etc.) best thing to do is to kick him/her out. However, if rude in a minor way, I would continue to enforce house rules but just ignore the child. With the adult child, unless the child is harming herself in some way, better approach to take is the "Do whatever you want. You're an adult." attitude. Meaning, if she wants to sleep during Christmas, her choice.

i have so many questions lol

1) grown daughter - are we talking about 20 years old or like... 35?
2) has she been living with you this entire time or did she move out then move back in?
3) if the latter, why did she move back in? loss of a job? divorce?
4) does she have a job now? help out in the home with chores?
5) other siblings living at home?

there are so many scenarios, and we on the other side can only assume things. if this is something that is recently going on with her, i'm going to assume she is going through a tough situation, and she may not know how to handle it and communicate about it. now, if this is something she's been doing all her life... ?

i remember coming back home after graduating college. it was a tough transition for me because i went from not having to let my parents know if i was going out or staying in, to always communicating with them what i was doing out of respect. i moved out when i got married, which was later in life than most people. but during all that time, i had a job, paid for my own things, and was home at a respectable hour.

We just took in two teenagers and the oldest one has a disrespectful and rude attitude too often. I'm not really offering advice due to the fact I am going through it as well. Granted he isn't an adult yet so we constantly correct his use of words and explain why it sounds rude.

Adult kids I would have to give them the option to correct their attitude or get out.

That would be the case, asking her if everything is okay, in a typical family situation.
BUT, the Op stated that she is seeking advice because her grown daughter is VERY disrespectful of her, meaning this is more likely not an isolated incident but an on-going situation. Asking if everything is okay isn't gonna do anything but rather reinforce the daughter's disrespectful behavior. In short, there is no excuse for disrespectful behavior.

Many times, the child themselves cannot help for the way they react. It is not just a behaviour issue. It goes deeper, it is a heart issue. It will not help to get the child to change his or her behavior and not address the heart of the child. We just want child to behave properly then we are happy. But what if the child is not misbehaving. Does it mean the child is okay. It is better that the child show the problem outwardly of an inner problem. What see things wrong, we suppose to help the child to see the problem is in their heart and the heart needs to be changed. And sit every evening with child and evaluate their day and ask today have you lived for yourself? What went through your mind? This will help the child see their error.

We do this but there are days when it strictly boils down to selfishness. A lack of empathy for others. So we make them see this by showing the hypocrisy as they want to be treated fairly. But even then some days that lack of empathy gets into the I do not care mode. Especially when I'm not around as sometimes like when I'm at work, I think they feel they can push my wife around. She calls crying telling me he will not listen. Then I have to figure out the heart problem. So often it is nothing more than just the lack of empathy towards others or lack of respect for authority. Which his old environment had poor authority so he rebelled quite often. He understands we love him and explain why we tell him to do certain things. But he is learning how to deal with anger constructively. To think through it, then just reacting in rebellion. Things get more emotional especially for my wife as everything can be stressful while my 3 biological kids have to adapt to a different family structure.

It certainly is not easy responsibility and it very rewarding at the end of the day. I feel for your wife. God will give special rewards to moms because they do a very sacred job. And I would like to share and introduce you to helpful resource to assist in the education of your children. And thank you for taking up the responsibility of adopting two teenagers. God bless you for what you are doing.

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLf5G48RKqUydw-n9xfEIWPsuJyXbH7Z--

Stay strong and in the faith. It is quite lenghty but you will the beauty in God's teaching. You fall in love with God all over.

Thanks for your questions. I appreciate all the kind responses. My daughter (47) moved to where we are from another state after we retired from being overseas. She never got her own place. She is single, never married. She has a job and does not help much but sometimes she will. No other siblings. She doesn't seem to be depressed and Covid 19 has not made a difference in her actions. Her job continues as normal. It seems she doesn't have a filter. If she wants to be alone there are places in the house to do so. I recently had shoulder surgery and now have wrist injuries so can't do much and my husband is partially disabled. I just thought I'd join a forum rather than bother my confidant (sister) who also has a lot on her plate.

Have you talked to your daughter about her actions and comments and how they are hurtful?

Please excuse my nosiness. If she has regular income and is very well of age, why isn’t she living in her own place?

Children will rebel at some part of their lives and parents will be bewildered on where they went wrong in bringing them up or what really happened. You asked for advice so I'm going to give you some. You could try to silence yourself and avoid talking with her for awhile and wait for her to talk to you in a friendly way. Children will have a lot of wounds and may not often open up about it to you. Sometimes, they won't ever tell you.

I can only tell you this. I don't know how you will implement what I say. Never argue with her over anything. Always be firm in what you want at your house. Like for instance, where you want to be. If you want to stay at the kitchen, you've every right to be there. It's your home first and then your child's. You don't have to say that or explain that to her. If you decide to stay at a place in your home, stay. If she speaks troubled words to you, stay calm. You need not hear all of it. Ignore her words. Don't react. If the place you and your daughter should share becomes too boisterous, just avoid her and leave that place. If you choose to stay there, you need not hear her words or talk to her. That's hard to do but not impossible. Just shut down hearing her words just where you are. That's when people will provoke you even more and lose it. You have to shut down at that time. You can confront them when they have calmed down and give a piece of your mind in a firm and stern way in just a few condensed sentences.

If it is possible and if you're going to have a serious conversation, don't hesitate to let her know your expectations. It's your home. Your rules. She wants to be boss, let her find a new home on her own. But it all depends on the situation. Avoid antagonising her but don't ever let her or anyone push you around. Don't love your children to the extent that they can actually tell you what to do or push you around. May God be with you and show you what is right. We can only guess at what to tell you or how to handle the situation. Keep it in prayer and find trustworthy people to confide in. If confiding in someone does not help the situation, stop confiding in them and read a self help book or find a counselor or get away to a group of friends. If one source is not helping keep trying different sources. Be strong. You'll be all right. God bless you