Unequal house chores

I lived a similar situation when I was married, only it was two teenagers rather than a five-year old.

The core problem is not the amount of cleaning that is or isn't done; rather, it's the lack of agreement. You and your wife need to be in agreement about standards of cleanliness, who does what, and how often. Right now, you're just getting frustrated because you expect her to do "her share", but she has not agreed to that. You need to book some time with her, and prepare to discuss the matter. Tell her how her ignoring the chores makes you feel. Tell her clearly what you think is a reasonable division of labour, and invite her input.

If she is unwilling to discuss the matter, respond accordingly. Excuses and ranting should be met with clear boundaries; you don't need to tolerate five-year-old behaviour from an adult. I can understand someone being preoccupied with other concerns, but there really is no excuse for choosing to live in a pigsty. While it might seem like an extreme response to a simple domestic situation, I would encourage you to consider more serious consequences if she isn't willing to do her part. I wouldn't wish separation on anyone, but it is a reasonable response to an intransigent spouse.

Ok ladies, wives. I have a question. It’s going to be kind of an odd one coming from a man (I know) just hear me out. I have this weird situation happening in my home I’m trying to wrap my head around and I’m asking for wisdom on how I should approach this delicately as the husband so please be patient with me as I try to explain this situation cause I want to reasonably resolve this the best way possible . The backstory is This all started when my wife got into her later stages of pregnancy with our son 5 years ago. Prior to that I believe we had shared the house chores fairly evenly. As she got further along in her pregnancy I volunteered to take more of the burden of cleaning thinking things would at some point return to normal. 5 years later I’m still doing the majority of the house cleaning save for a load of laundry or two which I still have to normally finish for her or it just sits and mildew s in the washer or sits in the laundry basket. We both work full time but she has summers off and yet still nothing gets substantially done until I come home and just start cleaning. I’m not a clean freak to my knowledge. I like thing’s presentable and orderly but I’m not going to expect the faucets to be shined or anything like that. I have pictures I can share to those curious about what she obviously ignores and will walk by a dozen times without lifting a finger to clean it. Warning that they are gross and won’t share unless you absolutely want to see.

I was curious this time and left some things dirty just to see how long it would take. It’s been over a month of no cleaning except dishes etc and the house was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore when I got home and didn’t say a word and just started cleaning. I’m really concerned at what’s going on. It’s not like we have 3 other kiddos making mess at the same time faster than it can be cleaned. A 5 year old boy is all. She is working on an online master’s degree but is two weeks ahead in her classes yet will still rather sit in her office and continue the classwork rather than observing that maybe the trash is overflowing and falling out of the trash can kind of chores or light cleaning. My son didn’t even want to sit at the kitchen table cause of all the crunchy crumbs and mess left so it hit me a bit hard tonight as she is at Golf league. I once tried to bring this up to her about chores a year ago but It ended in disaster cause I evidently lack the proper way to approach and say things gently ,cause it just caused arguments, she gets defensive immediately and it ruined the entire week for everyone and nothing changed .the “How dare You even mention it I’m a mom and student” kinda stuff. But yet she also gets angry if I come home and start cleaning on my own. 🤷‍♂️I’m a father and a husband at his witts end with this. What am I to do? I have no issue coming home and picking up a broom or doing dishes after supper but when I’m doing 90% of the weekly cleaning and am the only one to lift a finger on the heavy cleaning and actually following through till the job is done kinda cleaning then there has to be a problem somewhere. Open to suggestions and any Christian wisdom. Thanks.

The fact that she got defensive so quickly kind of makes me wonder if there is something deeper going on. Are you sure there isn't something like depression going on as well? People who are depressed seldom care about things like the trash piling up. Is there something more going on? Just a thought.

Ok ladies, wives. I have a question. It’s going to be kind of an odd one coming from a man (I know) just hear me out. I have this weird situation happening in my home I’m trying to wrap my head around and I’m asking for wisdom on how I should approach this delicately as the husband so please be patient with me as I try to explain this situation cause I want to reasonably resolve this the best way possible . The backstory is This all started when my wife got into her later stages of pregnancy with our son 5 years ago. Prior to that I believe we had shared the house chores fairly evenly. As she got further along in her pregnancy I volunteered to take more of the burden of cleaning thinking things would at some point return to normal. 5 years later I’m still doing the majority of the house cleaning save for a load of laundry or two which I still have to normally finish for her or it just sits and mildew s in the washer or sits in the laundry basket. We both work full time but she has summers off and yet still nothing gets substantially done until I come home and just start cleaning. I’m not a clean freak to my knowledge. I like thing’s presentable and orderly but I’m not going to expect the faucets to be shined or anything like that. I have pictures I can share to those curious about what she obviously ignores and will walk by a dozen times without lifting a finger to clean it. Warning that they are gross and won’t share unless you absolutely want to see.

I was curious this time and left some things dirty just to see how long it would take. It’s been over a month of no cleaning except dishes etc and the house was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore when I got home and didn’t say a word and just started cleaning. I’m really concerned at what’s going on. It’s not like we have 3 other kiddos making mess at the same time faster than it can be cleaned. A 5 year old boy is all. She is working on an online master’s degree but is two weeks ahead in her classes yet will still rather sit in her office and continue the classwork rather than observing that maybe the trash is overflowing and falling out of the trash can kind of chores or light cleaning. My son didn’t even want to sit at the kitchen table cause of all the crunchy crumbs and mess left so it hit me a bit hard tonight as she is at Golf league. I once tried to bring this up to her about chores a year ago but It ended in disaster cause I evidently lack the proper way to approach and say things gently ,cause it just caused arguments, she gets defensive immediately and it ruined the entire week for everyone and nothing changed .the “How dare You even mention it I’m a mom and student” kinda stuff. But yet she also gets angry if I come home and start cleaning on my own. 🤷‍♂️I’m a father and a husband at his witts end with this. What am I to do? I have no issue coming home and picking up a broom or doing dishes after supper but when I’m doing 90% of the weekly cleaning and am the only one to lift a finger on the heavy cleaning and actually following through till the job is done kinda cleaning then there has to be a problem somewhere. Open to suggestions and any Christian wisdom. Thanks.

um...maybe clean TOGETHER and make it a fun thing, put some music on?
my mum is like that she complains always about mopping and sweeping and thinks by complaining someone else will do it.
tHats not the way to get anyone to do anything.
Yet dad always does the mowing and NEVER complains about it, and I have never seen mum once ever touch the lawn mower.

That’s what we used to do we used to have an ok time with it. I didn’t marry a messy wife but something changed in the marriage after the birth of our son it never went back to a true shared responsibility and instead she picked up a hobbys and doing outside yards work. I never once complained about yard mowing.. but it’s only the yard work she feels like doing then the rest is up to me again. She cannot finish a task before she starts a new one and then forgets to finish the first one. I’m picking up the slack, not complaining but I’m getting wore out picking up after what seems like an adult 5 year old year after year. We will try it again. Thankyou for the advice.

Just thinking, maybe float the idea of hiring someone to help a couple times a week and see what she says. Might be a round about to start the convo that you're needing help. If she's not willing to do her share, then you need some help. It's still odd though. Something has changed. It seems like a form of depression to me. Post partum? I'd gently try to see it there is something to that. People don't just change without reason.

Mama and I had an agreement before we were married. I don't do dishes or laundry, and she don't mow grass or tend the garden. We share other responsibilities. It's been a wonderful 60 years, and we are looking forward to many more.

Things have changed over the past few years. I pay my grandson to mow my grass, and we eat out, or eat prepackaged meals more often. We also use the cleaners more often.

My advice. Discuss what you expect of each other, before you get married. If you can't agree then, you're looking at the wrong mate. Don't get married.

well pregnancy and giving birth does take a lot out of you.
Did she feed your son and change the nappies and vomit and poo and stuff or leave that to you.
Does she wash and bathe your son, clip his hair and toenails? Does she scrape his earwax and make him blow into a tissue? Does she load the laundry -do you have your own washing machine or need to go to laundromat? and hang it out?

Some babies CAN be like a living slime fest of mucus you know. So after baby/children are taken care of, theres not much time left to straighten your surroundings.

hmm ok
well. Just wondering if she grew up on a farm too or was it the city.

when you depressed and dont have the energy cleaning is the last thing you want to do. Not making excuses but that is the reality.

Sounds like the teamwork you used to have has been slipping. I dont understand just leaving washing in machine though. Its possible shes too consumed with her studies. I know studies can sometimes be all consuming (student flats can be notoriously grimy pits) but thats just the thing.

if she runs out of clothes to wear, then that might motivate her lol. No you cant buy any more clothes, you got to wear the ones youve got!

you could just blame the studies and not allow her to learn whatever shes learning, but that would take you back to the dark ages where women were not allowed an education because of pressing household duties.

Ironing shirts well, what woman irons her hsubands shirts these days. I think you might need to get used to ironing your own or wearing wrinkled ones, or just not wearing the kind of shirts that need ironing.

when your washing machine packs up from overloading then it might be time to do an intervention. You know what they say. Have to hit rockbottom before anyone realises they have a problem.