You Reap What You Sow?

I'm not sure which category a topic like this would fit under, so I thought I'd try it here. ^^;

It's just... well, something has been on my mind for several weeks now. I suppose the end result of my contemplations has lead to me thinking of that verse, but... I think it's also lead to me thinking of a different way you can approach the philosophy presented in that verse.

I've still been... dealing with a lot of things in myself. Internal conflicts, feeling cheated somehow, feeling upset I never got exactly what I wanted in some ways (even while ignoring wonderful blessings I am given very readily) and....

Today, it's like a thought entered my mind, like....

Well, if you take a look at the words in that verse (and no, I don't remember where it is specifically in the Bible...) it is a basic analogy that I'm sure many kids, including me, were taught at a very young age in Sunday School and/or even at home. If you plant a corn crop, you're gonna get corn. You won't get raspberries unless you plant raspberries. And thus.... You only get out of things what you put into them.

It has simply been coming to my attention, especially as I've gotten somewhat older and I've made a lot of mistakes and had a lot of faulty expectations that.... well... I almost wonder if one kinda-natural human failing (which I myself have done...) is that... it's easy to sometimes fall into a trap where you plant something horrible, or sometimes plant nothing at all, but it's far easier to just sit on the ground and stare at the spot where you'd like something specific to grow, (maybe pour on a little bit of water once in a while or something....) and then... keep getting mad at God or grumpy with life when you're not getting anything.

What's worse is.... (still speaking metaphorically here,) maybe if you pray that God just give you SOMETHING because you're absolutely starving for that one thing and nothing else.... maybe God will be nice and encourage some wild onions to spring up... especially if some seeds just happened to spread there on their own or maybe the roots just happened to be there already..... but maybe you don't like onions, or maybe you're so fixated on how much you want strawberries that you'll reject what was given to you when God didn't even have to give you anything.

In correlation with this analogy... I have been giving a lot of thought to one of my aunts lately. A very greedy and selfish, manipulative woman who started her dark path of selfishness by moving to a different state where she probably never should have moved in the first place (she didn't even consult God on the matter...) just to pursue a guy she was interested in after he moved there.... a guy who wasn't interested in her. That fizzled apart quickly, but she ended up pursuing a different guy in that state (with the same first name, no-less) and he only married her because she got in-between him and a woman he was interested in, got pregnant, and pressured him into marrying her to "do the right thing".

They ended up divorced.... and the guy ended up getting together with the woman he was originally interested in, though that kinda ended up fizzling out too... and in the end, my aunt is still quite unhappy with life circumstances and God because things didn't work out the way she wanted. But she is quite happy and content in a way because, as she herself has said, at least she managed to keep her ex and the woman he liked apart and at least she got their house in the end.... as much as she likewise says how much she hates it, she is apparently quite content to hang onto it and stay there. (Seriously... my aunt prolly has a few screws loose, too.)

I guess maybe what I'm trying to get at all in this is....

Maybe.... especially if some people (like my aunt, and like me in a lot of areas, too...) grew up fairly spoiled and.... not exactly rich, but well-off enough to where you got.... a lot of what you wanted if not all of it.... and maybe you're also the type who grew up getting your own way a lot and even getting your way if you fought for it a bit or knew how to connive for it a bit--and got away with it--it makes me wonder....

To return to the seed/waiting for something to grow analogy for a moment....

Well, it also makes the phrase "if wishes were horses" come to mind.

It's so easy sometimes to just sit there on the ground and demand that the ground itself, even God, give you those sweet juicy strawberries.... perhaps even to the point of wasting a lot of time, ripping up other plants that you feel might be in the way, or scowling at those poor onions.

Likewise.... it's so easy to diss on people who could've been great friends because... maybe you got what you wanted out of them or you'd rather pursue bad company... it's also easy to show a lack of gratitude when someone gives you a gift because it's not what you wanted or you're too busy fixating on the one thing you would've wanted instead.

Seems to me that your aunt has serious issues, especially in regards to relationships. Personally, I have made my fair share of mistakes in my life too. What we want is not necessarily what we need. I am pondering what you have said about God may cause wild onions to spring up. I can relate to your third paragraph but at this point of my life I would have to say that things are peachy-keen. Sweet juicy strawberries.

What you said here actually makes me wonder something.... do you think it's possible that, in some cases, if a person never had a good grounding/good example or basis in relationships when they were growing up, this could not only effect how they relate to other human beings, but also what they want or expect from God?

Honestly... another thing that has been coming to my attention more and more is...

I don't know if this is a true thing for a LOT of people out there, or just some people, but.... I have noticed that, in my family (on both sides....) there have been a few individuals who've been... very daydreamy, that's the only way I can put it. And I've always been like that, too. And I would say that some of us.... including my parents, definitely have mental issues that have never been formally diagnosed and prolly never will be.

It's just like.... the only way I can explain it is... we've always been the types who love to fantasize, and perhaps LOVE to escape from reality in different ways due to depression, some past traumas, and an inability to face or change some things..... buuut the only problem is that this has sometimes lead to each and every one of us going into something where.... we expect external reality to conform to an internal, fantasy narrative.

Annnd sometimes.... there have been cases where I have been so caught up in my own internal bubble and waiting and believing in something specific to happen that.... it has caused crippling meltdowns in me that have sometimes taken weeks or months to recover from, if reality finally shows me that whatever I've dreamed up/have been waiting for is never gonna happen.

Sometimes.... especially in areas where the aunt I mentioned is concerned... it has even lead to vengeful behavior where that person has to spread lies about you, and pull every trick possible to try and not only get back at you for not doing things her way, but get you back into her clutches.

What concerns and even frightens me sometimes is.... I have known myself to have... similar tendencies at times, even if I have never done anything as extreme or drastic as she did... even if I have been guilty of conniving and even using someone once or twice. I am at least aware of my actions, willing to admit it, and... I'm trying to understand the behaviors of others so that maybe.... I can just understand it and stop doing it myself.

Buuut.... it's also like.... I seem to have a mental issue or... something, where it's like... sometimes I have had the tendency to soak up something like a sponge, an expectation or a presented narrative about how "This is how God operates, this is what He's gonna do for you when you get older..." And it has sometimes felt like the end of the world when I internally "prophecy" what is gonna happen to someone based on what someone else said, or what God is supposedly gonna do to someone who has a different belief structure... just to have it not happen. Or to have to sit there and witness something completely different happen instead.

Maybe sometimes.... it also kills me to feel like... Christians are supposed to get specific privilege's for believing, and because God is supposed to be good to them, but sometimes... in some areas... it seems like it's all of the other people out there who are getting it instead.

Buuut.... it could also be.... well, I have plenty to be grateful for, and half the time I don't even care about what I already have because I'm too focused on how the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe it's just....

I don't know. There just seems to be some areas in my life, deeply rooted into my subconscious even, where.... due to how bullying some of my older relatives were in some cases, it almost seems like... if someone refuses to conform a certain way or do what you want or GIVE you what you want... somehow.... it almost feels.... like it's okay to step on that person. Maybe even take their stuff in some cases.

Sometimes.... I also wonder if it'll ever be possible for me to change completely. I am used to being somewhat toxic around other people and being around certain kinds of toxic people. And.... there are just some things that are so deeply rooted into me that... I can't help but wonder if I'll go to my grave feeling entitlement issues that are actually... immoral for me to feel or think.

Absolutely, but God takes one's environment growing up and current one into consideration. Jesus has stated that He only does what was shown to Him by the Father. If a person only has poor examples for role models than that person's moral compass would tend to be adversely effected. I believe that is why we are told to pray for those that curse us and hurt us.

Sometimes....possibly....perhaps.

One of the biggest things that irritates me in some ways is when some people seem to take great pride in doing things better and living by a better example than those who came before them.... yet they still seem to retain deep-rooted traces of the same behaviors themselves, and looking down their noses at those who were once similar to them.

But again.... as you pointed out, the best thing is probably to continuously pray for them and not look down my nose at them myself.

Honestly.... if I could please ask for some prayers myself here, about some things I am genuinely struggling with....

I genuinely struggle, daily, with what I have lost... and I have lost a lot over the last couple of decades in some ways, including material possessions I can never replace (due to sentimental reasons and other things...) but also people. Former friends who used to be close enough to be considered family.

The thing is.... I have definitely been guilty of toxic behaviors, I have been told this by people before and I know it's true, I can't deny it. Buuut....

I don't know anymore, it just seems like... I have a problem with feelings of genuine possessiveness. I still feel that MAYBE part of this is just that.... due to how I grew up in some ways, (and a considerable lack of understanding of whatever mental disorder I may have... it is suspected to be OCD and Aspergers, possibly ADD), and having a brother with worse mental issues than I have... nothing was ever shared because the only way we could function as a household was to establish very clear lines like, "This belongs specifically to this person, this belongs specifically to that person..." and sometimes having to fight about it a bit if the line became unclear in some way or someone had successfully crossed it/taken something that wasn't there.... and there was also kind of a double-standard thing going on sometimes where, depending on whether or not you were the current favorite or someone else was currently being allowed to get away with selfish behavior, sometimes..... special privilege's were a thing, too.

But anyway what I'm trying to get at is (and what I'd REALLY like everyone who reads this to pray for me about) is.... I feel like... especially since I never had much social interaction growing up, some of this may have permanently/subconsciously spilled over into other areas of what my expectations of life are.

Like.... even when it comes to former friends.... well, some of it was basically just a natural "evolution" of sorts.... people grow and change, and sometimes people realize they never had as much in common as they thought. But I am left with genuine feelings of, "This person was MY friend first and they were just fine the way they originally were.... before they got married, before they got married, and/or before they got that job..."

I know it's horrendously selfish and possibly borderline narcissistic to have this entitlement attitude, so... I don't need anyone to point that out to me. I already tell myself that, often. Especially since I am more aware of it now than I was years ago. But.... again, perhaps due in part to how I grew up.... it is still a very genuine feeling in me.

Maybe I do feel like a person was stolen away from me when they got married and got more interested in doing other things and their time became more occupied. (Also.... to some extent, maybe they WERE technically "stolen away", depending on how you want to look at it... it is just up to the individual to decide whether that is a good or bad thing.) Plus... as one of my friends told me, people go through different phases of life, and.... one natural thing that happens is.... people get replaced.

Plus... I think in some ways, for whatever reason, I have always had a way of thinking of things in an almost... business-like sense. In some cases, depending on the dynamic I have with the person... if they give me something, I want to give them something back of equal value. In other areas, again depending on the dynamic... there have also been times where.... I've felt entitled to whatever is given and/or expected something of better quality, because I feel that person owes me something... especially if they mistreated me somehow or they legitimately didn't pay me everything they originally promised I would get for doing something. In other areas.... especially in cases where I've idolized someone or accepted someone as being better than someone who hurt or disappointed me... I expect that person to be a god, and therefore give me things like a genie.

Like.... I have been told that in many cases, a gift is a gift and you shouldn't really have to worry about anything... and God also gave the gift of His son freely, buuut....

To an extent.... isn't everything still at least sorta like a business?

The wages of sin is death. There's that line from the Bible.

Plus also... technically, God DOES expect at least something in return for the sacrifice of His son.... our hearts and commitment. And He wants us to follow the Golden Rule.

Though.... I think.... I have found that, in some cases at least... it seems to me like, sometimes anyway, if someone gives us something and/or if someone helps us out of a really crappy situation... there are cases where maybe we aren't supposed to give everything and more back to those specific individuals, but to be ready to give to someone else who could really use help or gifts in another time, place and setting. And sometimes... maybe God can give us a bit extra so we can give it.

I have.... simply known some cases (including the aunt I mentioned....) who............ treat things like business, even more excessively than I do. Like....

There are times where, if you're in trouble, she will help you, even at great inconvenience and expense to herself, but then.... she'll whine about what a horrid inconvenience it was, she will remember how much money she spent on you and what she bought for you in groceries and otherwise, and present you with a bill... with interest. When she already has enough to keep herself afloat and more, and she would probably be better off financially if she didn't keep being frivolous with her money or getting into major credit card debts.

I will say a prayer for God's will and desire to be accomplished in your life.

People around you will reap what you sow too. Nobody operates in a vacuum.

Most of the things the Bible tells us to do and avoid are for the benefit of the environment around us, not just for us alone.

The question becomes, do I care enough about the people around me to not sow bad seeds for my own gratification?

am sorry Lenora you lost me at the wild onions.....

I think if you have wild onions thats great you are always going to have delicious omlettes.

You can also have wild strawberries but you have to know where to look. Otherwise, strawberries are what we call gross feeders that thrive in raised beds, or in warmer areas. They arent going to grow when its cold and damp, and you are not going to have them year round.

and if life gives you lemons, you make lemonade of course.
I have already lost a few lemon trees, but the one I have now is in a big pot, so hopefully I dont lose this one in my clay soil.

I concur regarding the omelettes. The wild strawberries too. And the lemons.

The way I heard it was, if life gives you lemons you make whiskey sours.

Obligatory song reference for this thread:

Lenora are you or your ancestors...Dutch
Just reminded me of a common Dutch trait to treat everything and everyone as possesively and frugally as possible.

eg, The Dutch kinda screwed over many countries trading spices in the Dutch East India company. There was also that Tulip mania thing that happened centuries ago.

Or maybe your ancestors are canny Scots. Scots have a reputation for building up fortunes and being misers. Scrooge McDuck anyone? McDonalds?

I mean dont mean to blame your heritage but if you come from a family that has never done anything else, that would be all you know how to live.