Aweful night

Hi I just became a member last night. Honestly just wanted somewhere to share about how it bothers me that my wife sometimes just disappears with no contact. Sometimes turn up drunk other times just says she fell asleep. We have been married for 7 years. When we first got married it wasn't great but over the years things have gotten better with just short bad times. In the last 8 months things have gotten bad since she started attending college to become a cop.

Tonight was one of the worst nights in my life. I get a call around 2 am from her sister say that my wife had called and had a flat tire. I went to help only to find her drunk. So drunk that she wrecked the front of our suv and didn't even know it. Here is where I should have called the cops and let them handle it. But instead I leave the suv and try to take her home. She starts to become hard to handle, opening the truck door and saying she's jumping. Meanwhile with all this going on I notice that my truck is starting to shake. I stop take a look but don't see anything so I keep driving. Back tire falls right off the truck half way home. Never happened to me in my life. I call my twin brother, I find the tire, with his help we get it on. Drive home. Once we are home my wife is extremely mad that I called my brother and wants the car keys so she can leave. I say no, she starts slapping and punching me. Honestly I have taken it harder before and can handle it. But for some reason I was tired of taking it this time plus we have 3 kids and I hate them hearing it. I texted my brother to come back to pickup the kids. Big mistake again. She goes nuts won't let the kids leave. So my brother calls the cops. They come and question us both. I said nothing happened but I guess she told them she just pushed me. They arrested her for assault and she was given a no contact order. Crazy maybe but it's heart breaking, I'm afraid she will never come back.

Hey...

As bad as all of that is/sounds, it may actually be the start of something good.

It's often been said that we need to hit rock bottom before we can begin to look up, and perhaps that is what will happen with your wife.

I'd imagine that this won't bode well for your wife's desire to be a cop, but, based upon the little bit that you've shared here, she certainly doesn't seem fit for that type of pressure right now anyway.

I'll certainly pray that God turns that awful situation into something good for the sakes of everyone involved.

Thanks for sharing.

Hey Jonathon, welcome to CC!

Wow, what a rough night. Well brother, it's good that your wife was temporarily taken away because she needs help, and so do you. You might feel that covering for her is loving her, but in fact it is harming your family, your relationship, and is also harming her. It might be counter-intuitive, but overlooking and excusing her behavior is reinforcing and enabling the continuation of her downward cycle. There needs to be a change in how you're thinking about & dealing with this. It sounds like when these situations arise, the immediate fear of losing her (and maybe other feelings) are enough to make you look away from the bigger picture, and rush in to "make things better". You need to stop operating out of the immediacy of that fear, and learn to take a deep breath, step back, and assess what needs to happen for the good of the bigger picture. This is looking out for your wife's needs (not her sinful wants), and looking out for your kids' needs, instead of just looking out for your own immediate emotions- and that is what being a true husband and father is about. At this point she should not be excused or saved from her consequences (this is a negative way of showing your love), because excusing the behavior is you giving your green light for her to continue harming herself and your family. Meanwhile, well-matched consequences are healthy, and designed to be natural learning experiences. You must separate your expectations for her in these cases from the emotional desire to immediately rush in and make things better. It won't be fixed immediately- but she needs standards that are being clearly communicated, and consistently reinforced. It won't be a once and done deal.

On the flip side of the coin, like many things in life, making this work is a two way street. Even if you do everything right, her decisions are in her own hands. If she continues to choose this path, her current lifestyle & destructive behavior will continue in spite of the mounting harm she is causing to herself, the kids, and you- and you need to be strong enough from the beginning to accept that that may be her choice, even if it results in your separation. Come to terms with that now, so you can operate as a strong husband and father throughout this trial.

It might help her to actually see her own behavior being played out. When drunkenness is involved, it's easy for a person to excuse themself and minimize their actions, because they "can't remember". To them it's easy to think about it like it was someone else who did those things, and not feel much true responsibility for what happened, even if they give it lip service. But seeing the ugliness of their own behavior (ie on the kitchen security camera) helps open some people's eyes. They have to confront what they are really doing, and make a spiritual and emotional attachment to how THEY are hurting their own kids and family, and if that's the person they want to continue to be. You may not be the exact person to go through that with her (at least maybe not at first)- ie, it might be a counsellor, who is also getting to the bottom of why she is turning to alcohol in the first place.

If she comes to the realization that this isn't the wife, mother (and officer?) she wants to be, and also recognizes the true reason why she is turning to alcohol (even if it's just a selfish or sinful reason- her accurate knowledge of it is key to her being able to change it, so those things should not be looked down on as she examines them in honesty), then she can begin working on positive replacement behaviors to turn to when that trigger for alcohol comes up. But only she can choose that that's what she wants. No amount of enthusiasm or effort by you will be enough to compensate for her own recognition and true desire to change- so don't try that. You do your part, and she must do her part.

You need to find a church, pastor, counsellor, and community to come around you and your wife to help resolve these things. There are people today who say that the worst trials of their marriage turned into the best thing that ever happened to them because of the way that God worked through it. That's what I hope for you and your wife.

I am sorry for what you went through, your wife had a serious alcohol problem and it MUST be treated by professionals for her sake and for your family's and your sanity. Get a lawyer and force her into rehab, there is no other way, do not let this go on. Her violent behavior will only get worse if left untreated and is dangerous for her and others. I feel really bad for your family's situation but it can change if her condition is treated.

Blessings

JF

Thanks everyone for the feedback it really helps. Was a bad night but Wasn't a great day either. My 12 year old daughter who I have raised since she was 4 is no longer with me. We cried together when she was taken I pray that she stays strong. Apparently I don't have legal right to keep her. I still have our 6 year old and 3 year old daughters.

Yikes! Sorry to hear this, sounds like a nightmare.

I would go in for some professional counseling, or maybe talk to your wife, when she is sober. It sounds like she isn't happy. It's very possible with 3 kids, going to college, chores, schooling, and marriage she has snapped. Is there any way you can both go see a psychologist and talk this out? I'm thinking there is way more to the story, than your telling, but that's just a guess.

Does she have a history of drinking? Does she have a history of mental disorders? This looks like a job for a professional.

Anyways, hang in there.

Hopefully, when she is sober, she will see what a mess she is making of her life and want to change. Only Jesus can change her. Even if she quits drinking, the underlying problem remains. Of course we will be praying for you both. If she is not willing to change and won't quit drinking, you are probably better off without her. That sounds harsh, but no spouse is supposed to be a punching bag for the other.

She has struggled off and on with drinking. Usually about every 6 months to a year. She would disappear get drunk. Come back very sorry saying it would never happen again. But in the last 6 months she seems to have decided that she can control it and will just have a couple of drinks. Whenever she wants. Problem is she doesn't always stop with a couple. I honestly do have a hard time understanding. I've never had a drink in my life so I don't know what it's like.

Personally, if it was me. I would let her do whatever she wants and never inquire about. Then, if the day comes when she does what God permits divorce for, divorce her. Trying to force someone to bend to a moral doesn't work. Just be positive like and don't let it bother you.

Love is always conditional, never let anyone tell you different. I know if hurts to let go, if this is your first time letting, (letting go becomes easy if you've done it before), but it is right in the long run. I think the serious pain people feel on letting a partner go isn't always love, but a biological attachment built into our DNA. Humans have loved and lived for so long that this thing called "love" makes the mistake of accepting all the ills and issues with someone, when, if you just apply reason and logic, you know you could easily find a new person who can be actually your ideal lover. Attachment that causes significant pain when removed needs to be endured. That's that.

Welcome Jonathon!! I don't have any advice, so I will just tell you I hope you find some comfort within this site.

That's good advice I wish I wouldn't have been so concerned about everything. Probably to late now.

I think that's very true. I wasn't really in any serious relationships before I married her. Someone broke up with me once but I wasn't that close and didn't really care. I honestly find this extremely hard. Sometimes when I'm alone it feels like it's hard to breathe.

Thanks

Hi Johnathen,
I’m here to let you know that I was your wife.
i was the drunken, out until 3 am, destroying everything in my path wife. My husband hated every second. Additionally, I did other things to destroy our marriage. Let’s just say he has more than biblical grounds for divorce. We are still working on our marriage, but I’m here to tell you people do change. No, JESUS changes people. I have been saved for three years and I am a new creation in Christ and strive to be the best wife I can be. We also have two little ones.
There is hope and restoration for your marriage. Don’t give up on her yet. When she does decide to get sober, there will be a lot of guilt and shame from her. Likely things may come out of the woodwork that are going to make you want to puke, but I assure you, if you stay in the marriage and show her the love of Christ, God WILL reward you. In this life or the next.
god bless you. God bless your children. I’ll be praying for you and your wife’s recovery