The Banned Game

Sir Peter Jackson was having a bad day on the set. Nothing was going right, the clone-o-matic had broken down again, Mr Hulks costume was starting to smell badly of urine, the caterers had discovered rats in the kitchen, the freezer had to be emptied of frozen pizzas, which nobody could stand, and his best wardrobe lady had to leave for Evereverland.

He was starting to think the production was cursed until unit 2 radioed a good report that Titanic 2 had been successfully detonated and the fireworks were especially good. Carnage everywhere! The props department wetas declared gleefully. It was better than Jaws 2!

Now that was a relief. Now things were rolling. Once he got over that hurdle of ridding Captain James Cameron of his potential profits, he just had to eliminate George Lucas and his endless backstory/black hole of Star Wars prequels.

That clone attack movie was so lame, but it spawned a thousand zombie plots after it, and Hollywood (and the known universe) never recovered. Im still trying to deal with the fallout from all those plot holes of his silly epic space opera. Where is script doctor Carrie Fisher when you need her?

Miss Goodbooks wondered why Sir Peter Jackson was confiding in her all of a sudden in the library. Um shes right here she said and handed Sir Peter his request.

A trilogy of Carrie Fisher memoirs landed with a thump on the library counter.
You've got a month to read 'em said Miss Goodbooks. Here, take a bookmark.

Miss Ruby was enjoying the company of her new friend Morty when they received an emergency phone call from Miss Jenny and Charles. Miss Jenny was too shaken to relay the information so Charles had to speak although Miss Jenny was nodding her head in agreement. It seems Charles had dug up more info concerning Tzipora. Not only was she a robot but she was AI created by a Mr Musk for the purposes of spying on other countries and relaying back the information to Mr Musk and his elitist cult.

Miss Ruby was horrified and felt a dizzy spell come on. Luckily Morty caught her. When she recovered she had the strange feeling they were being watched and wondered whether it was Tzipora or Mr Eyeball also known as the Chieftan. Of course in this instance it was the Chieftan who learnt of the friendship she had stricken with Morty the cousin he did not warm to.

Morty and Charles agreed that the Chieftan must be told before he proposed to Tzipora something he was planning to do in the next few days.

"Who is going to tell him" Charles asked.
Miss Ruby suggested it should be Miss Jenny as the Chieftan had a soft spot for her and respected her leadership.
The phone call was placed in a group type call. The Chieftan answered his phone.
"Afternoon Miss Jenny, this is a surprise" the Cheiftan said.
"Afternoon Chieftan. I have some news for you. Please make sure you are sitting down" Miss Jenny spoke.
"Go ahead" the Chieftan replied.
"Um, err, aghh........" Miss Jenny stammered.
"Are you alright Miss Jenny" the Chieftan said confused. "Are you drunk Miss Jenny"
Charles grabbed the phone and spoke. "Afternoon Chieftan" he said.
"Afternoon Siss, um Charles" the Chieftan replied. "Well, what is this important news"
"Um, err, aghhh........." Charles also stammered.
The Chieftan hung up angrily thinking the two had decided to prank call him whilst under the influence of some champagne.
Shaking his head he made his way back to Tzipora with a ring in hand ready to propose.

Keisha modelled her magical apparel for Mrs Hairy.

See, these are my ruby slippers - they fit!
And the crown jewels - also perfect fit!
Megs loaned me Diana Ross' gown - she only had to slightly alter it.
And here's the one ring to rule them all, look how precious it is.

Mrs Hairy enjoyed seeing Keisha in the Empresses new clothes. She was longing for a new wardrobe herself, having felt like Cinderella all her life. Even though she had met Miss Jenny and Miss Ruby briefly on the Tour of Beauty stopover, they were only stiff and polite and never really connected. Unfortunatley she had a sixth sense that they talked about her behind her back and mocked and disparaged her looks at every opportunity.

When it had been time for her leg wax, the two Empresses had totally ignored her, taken off with the men (or were they clones?) and forgotten that she even existed. Only Godmama Lanolin had taken her under her wing.

I only need one more thing to complete my new outfit, said Keisha.

Mrs Hairy held up Rachel Hunters handbag.

Oh no you keep a hold of that Mrs Hairy, laughed Keisha. Thats yours to look after.

Mrs Hairy then signed that she had something special for Keisha, and presented her with a shoebox. Happy birthday.

whats this Mrs Hairy? You shouldnt have. I already have the ruby slippers.

Mrs Hairy shook her head. Open it, she urged.

Keisha opened the box. She gasped. Inside was a sparkling new magic wand.

Gladys! I cant find my PPE! I need them for work!

What dear Fred? called Camilla.

My PPE - my crown, orb and scepter.

Oh said Camilla. Let me look.
She scoured the house, but since Highgrove estate was 3 storeys and over 20 rooms, it would take some time.

Where did you put them last? Oh this is hopeless. Perhaps we better hire another set.

From where? I need it for tomorrow.

Camilla thought of Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs. She shuddered. Would she be brave enough to darken her step daughter in laws doors? No, there must be something in the attic.

She found a santas hat, a crystal ball, and a boomerang. These will have to do, for now.

Ms Jenny could hardly believe what the propaganda media from Lanolinland was claiming. Clearly the president of Lanolinland had been overthrown by hostile opposition. She would never have said anything like that about her sister empresses. Or would she?

She felt like fainting, but truth be told, a leader could not, under any circumstances, keep on fainting like an actress in a romcom.

She picked up the phone and called Ms Ruby.

“You seen that badmouthing on LanoVision?” Ms Jenny didn’t stay as calm as she planned.

“Yeah, I saw it alright, must have been Ms Tizzy manipulating the broadcast!” Ms Ruby said.

“What if it ain’t? What if it’s dad gummit the real deal a what them folks over yonder in Lanolinland be thinking bout us apparently mean girls?” Ms Jenny was almost crying.

“She ain’t like that, is she?”

Rachel boarded the Calypso with a smile on her face looking like the cat who got the cream.What is so funny asked Lanolin.

Ms Tizzy, she said. I entered her into the MissBumBum awards as you know, and she was totally into it.

She said she hadnt had a night off since taking Bubba so Mr whats his face had to babysit while she puts her butt on TV. She had the wonder woman boots and the captain underpants and she was going to sing 'These boots were made for walkin' she was real keen to earn that prize money to gain her freedom.

Then they got into this rather nasty fight as Mr whats his face forbade her to go and they called each other names and it all ended in tears. Then Ms Tizzy took off with Bubba and now she is in an undisclosed location that I cant tell you.

?! Is Bubba ok?

Oh dont worry shes being looked after.

What about Mr whats his face?
He's getting a shark loan to pay bail for verbally assaulting ms Tizzy. And the cat cops laid a restraint order on him and another charge for kidnapping the Japovian when they first met. Apparently he had ordered her online on some dating website that he called CC.

Miss Ruby spoke with Eagle Three. It seems that he was residing in Lanolinland learning journalism with Miss Lanolin. He had been writing the latest stories which portrayed some false information making Miss Ruby and Miss Jenny appearing to be somewhat like they aren't. He apologised to both of the Empress's for hamming up the stories. Miss Ruby and Miss Jenny asked him not to do it again but he had their permission to not be so kind to Miss Tizzy. He agreed and told them to watch for the upcoming articles and breaking news.

Meanwhile Miss Jenny and Charles told Miss Ruby and Morty that they were not able to tell the Chieftan the news about Tzipora being a AI robot.

"It would explain why she never wears her hair up" Miss Jenny said. Miss Ruby nodded her head in agreement.
"Why" asked Morty confused.
"Because you would see the chip in the back of her neck with a serial number" Miss Jenny explained.

The Red Beanies on the Calypso crossed the Ruby Sea back to Auckland, Rachel and Keisha and Mrs Hairy disembarked as they were all going to be appearing on Shortland Street. Lanolin got off too as she was going to stay home for a couple of days and visit her parents before going back to the Beehive.

First she farewelled Rachel.

What happened to Mr Tommy Hulk Rachel? Werent you going to visit him?

Oh said Rachel airily, he's not my problem anymore. He signed up with the Kardashians remember? Once you become part of their media empire, there is no return.

Well, good luck with your book. I heard that its been nominated for the Lanolinland Picture Book Awards.

Oh really? But its not a childrens book. And it has pictures of me in it. Before I dyed my hair green

I think the judges liked it anyway.

Lanolin then said she had done a great job and really earned her icecream.

Then it was Keishas turn.
Good luck with your new job Keisha am sure you'll be a star ambulance driver. If I hear helicopters around my area I'll know its you.

Keisha laughed. I'll look out for you President Lanolin. I was so happy to be able to catch up with my whale whanau and to know they are now internationally protected. That means so much to me.

E noho ra e hoa (goodbye my friend)

Finally it was Mrs Hairys turn. Mrs Hairy was of few words so Lanolin just gave her a hug and said her star would rise now she was an Oscar winner and her picture book would do very well, all the playcentres and kindergartens would be clamouring for copies and it was being translated into all languages. Your children will be so proud of you, wherever they are.

Mrs Hairy gave a thumbs up and a big smile, then waved goodbye as Lanolin departed for home.

Santa managed to clock the requisite hours of Vitamin D till his pale blue complexion was restored to a healthy rosy pink.

His wife, never one to sit still, was now on another project that was dear to her heart. She opened Evereverlands first ever drama school, called Dame Edna's Academy of Drama, or DEAD for short.

She enrolled her first scholarship student, a solo mother of one, who had aspirations and wanted to learn the craft of real acting, rather than relying solely on her looks. Dame Edna took her under her wing to learn not only beauty which she admittedly had in spades, but charm as well.

Mr Hulk was also a student, and several ex soap stars, particularly those who'd just finished the Young and the Restless.

DEAD also operated a playschool where a nanny by the name of Madame Doubtfire was in charge of the little ones. They were soon recruited into child parts that were always in demand.

There possums taught as well. All in all, if life wasnt going well, and one needed to run away to join the circus, one could not do worse than take a course at DEAD.

Their mission statement was ' try acting...we bring the DEAD to life '

"Why, good morning, O Great Chieftain," Tzipora smiled at the Great Chieftain as he exited his makeshift hut. The explorers had erected three huts on the shore of the Great Barry R's Island which had one way or another eventually become the Queen's Land - one hut for Tzipora and Bubba, as those two didn't seem to mind sharing with each other - one for the Great Chieftain, and the other for the good Mordecai. By the time the friends had erected three huts, they didn't have the strength to erect a fourth, so they told the bad Mordecai he would have to sleep under a bush or in a hole somewhere.

The good Mordecai - who apparently had been learning about the Great Barry R Island from one or more of the native Barries - had informed the bad Mordecai that there might be a bunyip who would be willing to share its billabong with him.

"It serves him right for being such a bad captain," the Great Chieftain had thought to himself.

However, thoughts of bad captain Mordecai were now far from his mind, and the Great Chieftain was staring at the beautiful Tzipora, who was somehow even more beautiful since adopting the poor, unloved, abandoned orphan Bubba. There was no one else present except Bubba, who was sleeping peacefully and contentedly on a crib placed at a safe distance from the breakfast fire, but Moses felt uncharacteristically awkward. "Had he been looking at Tzipora for too long already? Had he given her enough eye contact? Did she suspect anything? Would she know what he was thinking? Where were all these thoughts even coming from?"

"I said, good morning, O Great Chieftain," Tzipora repeated, admiringly. She guessed that the Great Chieftain must have a lot on his mind, what with the second sinking of the Titanic/Olympic, the culture-shock of having to deal with all these native Barry-Rs, and his ongoing struggle against his arch-nemesis the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland with her growing list of notable associates including the Empress of Jennymaesia - renowned for her magical hair and her charity to defective clones, the Empress of Lanolinland who some folks were now claiming was the long-missing Baba Yaga's cruel stepmother Prusilla, and probably most regretably of all, the Great Chieftain's own cousin on his mother's side - Morty.

"I errr... oh, hello Tzipora, good morning," answered the Great Chieftain, looking quickly into her eyes and then staring at the beach sand in case she was somehow able to read his thoughts.

"I made you some breakfast," Tzipora announced cheerfully. "Bacon and eggs and mushrooms..." Her beautiful dark hair reflected the morning Barry-R Island sun in the most aesthetically pleasing way.

"Thankyou," the Great Chieftain replied simply, as he twirled the ring in his pocket. He thought of his ancestor, Moses the Oldest, and how he would be turning in his grave to think that one of his descendants was too afr... actually, it was more concerned - too concerned to ask a friend - a female friend even - a particular question. The same feeling of sudden dread had come upon him the previous night, when he had more boldly approached his friend to ask the same question. Instead, he had quickly hidden the ring and thought of another question - "Did she enjoy the weather, and didn't all these Barries have a funny accent?"

"The only stupid question is the question not asked," the Great Chieftain had told himself. "Perhaps that's why I can't ask this question?" he had reasoned. "As it is a stupid question, it is one that I had best not ask. I wouldn't want to hurt such a good friend with such a stupid question," he had told himself graciously.

Back in Jennymaesia, Eagle Two was disappointed that his Empress had seemed to suddenly overcome her Snow White syndrome. He really felt like reviving her, but alas, she didn't seem to need reviving just yet. "Perhaps she needed a little more champagne to bring it back?" he wondered. He made up his mind to speak to her about the sickness. As debilitating as it probably was, he rather liked when she had it.

Morty was gleefully recounting to Miss Ruby of a time long ago when he had thrown sand into the Great Chieftain's eyes (who was not, at that time, the Great Chieftain), and then, when the Great Chieftain had approached Morty to give him a proper drubbing, the Great Chieftain's father - Moses the Young - had appeared and given the Great Chieftain a big spanking with the largest stick in the yard and told him not to be a bully. The Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland told Morty about the time she had invaded Mosestaria with support from the Jennymaesian military, and forced the Great Chieftain to live in a cave in Antarctica for a year, and then frozen him and put his icecube in a park in Rubyland for all the Rubylanders to come and laugh at his oddly shaped frozen nose/head/moustache.

In Lanolinland, the Empress/President of Lanolinland was putting the theory of evolution to the test. In a more ignorant time, it was believed that “1,000 monkeys in a room with 1,000 typewriters given 1,000 years would reproduce the works of Shakespeare." Well, Empress Lanolin didn't have 1,000 years to wait, but neither did she need something as quality as the entire works of Shakespeare - pretty much any old rubbish would do. Purchasing 1000 monkeys and 1000 computers, and putting them all in a room with her editor - a Mosestarian, coincidentally - she started propagandising like the world had never seen. Admittedly, it was almost 99.999% rubbish, but when people get so used to believing that everything they read is rubbish, they forget that 0.001% is actually the truth. Empress Lanolin smiled to herself, as she polished her name-badge "Prusilla" with her longest, painted talon - those monkeys and Windows computers were reaping her a rich harvest of international ignorance.

Eagle One was currently travelling the world and made a stop over at Eden Island. Eagle Two (Charles) was happily engaged to Miss Jenny and Eagle Three was learning the journalism ropes in Lanolinland. Eagle One was undecided about what he was going to do so he took time off to travel. He caught up with Miss Ruby and his cousin Morty. Miss Ruby gave them space to talk and made her way to her pond, the one with the waterfall.

Aghhhh why does my two enemies, Moses and Tzipora have to be right next door on the next island she thought. She tried to devise a plan to get them to travel back to Antartica which was about 3000km away. Perhaps Morty could help her think of something. Then she thought of a brilliant plan. Why doesn't she extend an olive branch to her enemy. Perhaps she and the two Empress's, clones and Morty could offer to hold a wedding for them. It could be on Eden Island, the perfect place to marry. Miss Jenny and Charles could be in charge of the clothing and makeup, Miss Lanolin and Eagle Three could take photos and write the article of the wedding and Miss Ruby could organise their honeymoon, straight back to Antarctica. She would even bake their wedding cake.

"Brilliant!!!!" Miss Ruby thought, running out of the water and very eager to tell the others her brilliant plan.

Talking with Morty, Eagle One could understand the story his clone-dad had told him, about throwing sand in cousin Morty's eyes, and getting cousin Morty spanked when they were much younger. He shook his head - he couldn't understand what the Empress E-Ruby could see in this... bogan!

He was relieved to see Miss Ruby finally come running back from the waterfall. However, he was less relieved to hear Miss E-Ruby's brilliant scheme.

"And so," Miss Ruby exclaimed excitedly at the end of her plan, "Then they'll go on a honeymoon back to Antarctica, and we need never see them ever again!"

Morty was smiling encouragingly and nodding excitedly as Miss Ruby recounted her cunning plan.

Eagle One just frowned. "What's the issue with leaving them on the Great Barry R Island?" he asked. "Unmarried."

E-Ruby shrugged. "Like, 2,950km worth of issues if they don't move, you mean?" she asked, frowning a little herself at the ingratitude displayed toward her genius strategy.

"Oh, I don't care about them going to Antarctica," Eagle One responded. "But you don't want *those* two to marry. They'd be deadly."

"They nearly removed my organs!" Miss Ruby reminded the clearly-forgetful Eagle One.

"No, what I mean..." explained Eagle One. "They both clearly have their problems, right? Mental problems?"

Miss Ruby nodded. At last, Eagle One was making a little sense.

"But the Chieftain has always dreamed of creating his own army..." Eagle One continued.

Again, Miss Ruby nodded. Morty just listened.

"And Tzipora, well, she has always dreamed of... well... let's just say, she wouldn't have any problem giving birth to an army of children - anything really - for her Great Chieftain," explained Eagle One, and emphasising the last four words quite sarcastically.

"Ah," answered Miss Ruby, beginning to understand Eagle One's concern.

"Oh." answered Morty.

"Their unmarried status is preventing such a cataclysm being unleashed on the world. I beg you, Miss Ruby - please do not destroy our fragile peace, by creating such a dangerous monster," the clone implored the Empress.

Miss Ruby knew she had a decision to make - satisfaction... or sacrifice? Would she be able to bear her two greatest nemeses - living so close to her piece of paradise - purely to save the world from the catastrophes that might otherwise be unleashed?

What a brilliant idea! Matchmaking! Ms Jenny plundered through her purse to get her phone but it was nowhere to find and she had to turn it upside down so that everything fell out and down on the table. There, between a variety of lipsticks and blush the phone was finally discovered. So silly of me, she thought, I could have just called it from the landline. Before she could decide on what to do a new memo came in. Now matchmaking wasn’t longer a brilliant idea. An army of Ms Tizzies and Chieftains? Not.a.good.idea! She clearly had to think this over before doing something.

Miss Greenlips Hine fielded another prank call from Miss Ruby.
This time Miss Ruby said President Lanolin had to come to a wedding that she was throwing for Miss Tizzy and Mr Whats his name.

She's drunken more blue milk, thought Miss Greenlips Hine. AGAIN! Since when had President Lanolin ever been friends with Mr Whats his name and his 'fiancee?' After all the horrible things he had said about her? That he never took back? Was Miss Ruby out of her mind?!

Miss Ruby - they have broken up. Mr Whats His Name is in remand and been arrested for verbal assault. abduction and numerous other charges and awaiting trial. Hes also got a restraining order and told not to be within 100 metres of her. Miss Tizzy is lying low in a womens refuge. She has unpaid debts. I dont think they'll be marrying anytime soon.

Miss Greenlips Hine txted Miss Ruby.
I know, how about YOU marry the Chieftain, since he's clearly single and available right now.
Clone yourself in the clone-o-matic, propose marriage, then insist on a romantic honeymoon in Antarctica, and then get your clone to self-destruct, leaving Mr what's his name a cold and lonely widow.

Miss Greenlips Hine hoped that would put a stop to the crazy coming from Miss Ruby.
Aue! Those Rubylanders.

DEAD was doing their first play, a Shakespeare.

Dame Edna wanted to put on a Midsummer Nights Dream, as the costumes would be spectacular, but her star player was angling to to play Lady Macbeth.

Edna tried to convince her that she would make the perfect Bottom, but Miss Zipmouth as she became affectionately known as (since she couldnt stop talking) thought she was better as a tragic figure. Also as Halloween was coming up she wanted to try out the spooky witch costumes.

MissZipmouth said she had just come out of a cult in which her leader chose all her clothes for her. And tried to think for her. All she ever got to do was look pretty, nod and smile and agree with everything he said. UGH.

President Lanolin got home and found another TikTok fwd to her of The Clones.

This time it was of them singing I'm dreaming of a White Christmas. They all looked like they were bobsledding in Antarctica.

Miss Greenlips Hine! Stop it, You know I hate Christmas songs out of season.
soz, said Miss Hine

I will block your Tik Tok if this happens again!

Sir Peter Jackson was busy studying Carrie Fisher's trilogy and had written several notes which he showed to his wife

Princess Leia was the product of misogynist George Lucas infertile imagination! He. also thought there were no bras in space!
Carrie took drugs on the set! No wonder she played Princess Leia all spaced out - Luke Skywalker was also high on marijuana!
Miss Fisher was so traumatised by her father and her experience on the set of Star Wars that she had to have electroshock therapy to erase her memory!
And get this, her mother, Debbie Reynolds was americas sweetheart until she wàs dumped by her husband who ran off with the widowed Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh thats nice dear. But what has this go to do with It Came from Mosestaria?

Well, I cant get Carrie Fisher anymore. But I do need another female protagonist, otherwise its just blokes running around in hairy costumes. And Keisha and Mrs Hairy are unavailable.

How about you try DEAD? Im sure there might be some potential actresses coming out of that new drama school.

hmm could do.
well you did have Rachel Hunter before but you let her slip through your fingers.