The Banned Game

Ms Jenny had never been known for her knowledge of literature. Now the Lanoliners was dropping literature references all over the place. The only literature she was familiar with was what had originated from the southern part of the states. Compared to the celebrated European authors that didn’t count for much. She felt like an ignorant not knowing how to make her points using literary references.

Take Shakespeare, the only thing she knew about him was that something happened in fair Verona and that MacBeth somehow (or quite the contrary) meant bad luck. The Globe wouldn’t miss Ms Jenny.

She had never seen the Star Wars movies nor Star Trek.

On the other hand she was quite aware of the implications of the Song of Myself, which really described how to survive in the world.

Miss Zipmouth was determined to make good on her scholarship, now she was getting free childcare for Bubba at Madame Doubtfires' play school

Miss Zipmouth was learning the Alexander Technique, ventriloquism, and other tricks of the acting trade. DEAD was having a special workshop for the actors to mine their emotions so they could use them on stage. It was kind of like a group therapy session.

Dame Edna encouraged her to speak out all her problems and whatever was on her mind, to just say it, or yell or scream if necessary. Express yourself fully she urged. Once its all out then we can work on the best part- wardrobe.

Miss Zipmouth finally had a safe platform to say all the things she had been wanting to say about her former life living captive in a cult with Mr Whats his face, what it had REALLY been like. And it wasnt pretty.

Miss Zipmouth (aka miss Tzipora)'s soliloquy

I was born in Japovia, the daughter of a high ranking Japovian official and his wife (who I am named after). We had a comfortable life. I was heiress to the lipstick factory fortune through my uncle when he died. When the land of Japovia was devasted by the volcanic eruption, my family and I escaped to former Mosestaria however my dad never made it, he had turned back to fetch mums jewellery but got annialiated by the fire and brimstone and lava when he made that mistake.

In Mosestaria we had refugee status though the country was undergoing troubles of its own and we were never sure if we ought to be Rubyland citizens or Mosetarians. But Mum found a job as private secretary to the Chieftain who had started taking an interest in me. I think at first it was because I was heiress to the lipstick factory fortune and he was in a spitting contest with Miss Ruby. Once he found out that I had several stocks and bonds in lipsticks he started courting me online.

He wanted to make Miss Ruby jealous you see. Miss Ruby had Jennymaesian lipsticks and at the time they were far more popular than the Japovian kind. She was making a fortune and the Chieftain wasnt making anything. In fact I dont recall that he made anything of note, his hobby was just to buy up what other people made and pass them off as his own.

I was only 15 years old but that didnt stop the Chieftain making passes at me. He offered a place to me if I would be his mistress, and be the face of his new brand and mother agreed, although I didnt know what it meant at the time, I was just there to make him look good.

We moved to Antarctica (I still to this day have no idea why) but let me tell you that place was a hole. It was freezing! Every day the Chieftain would spend gazing at his 50 televison sets making insulting comments about the three Empresses he was in a cold war with and I had to agree with everything he said or mum would lose her job. I would fix him frozen pizzas (I was good at pressing buttons on the microwave) and fetch him his energy drinks, though to be honest he didnt have that much energy for anything other than writing insults and yelling at the tv. He especially hated anything President Lanolin screened, though I thought it was highly enertaining, he clearly secretly enjoyed it as he couldnt keep his eyes off the tv.

well all this time I found put to my dismay that I was pregnant, and it made me sick. Who was the father? well I think you can guess as my contract stipulated 'mistress' and you know what mistresses are made to do?

Anyway I had no choice but the Chieftain went ballistic when he heard the news. He shut me up quickly after that not to breathe a word to anybody. He was pretty good with the gag order. I was his ace up his sleeve...he would have an heir to his evil empire.
Bubba was born in secret but the Chieftain took one look at her, was horrifed that Bubba turned out to be a girl and not a boy as he had hoped, and ordered his eagles to dump her in the sea.

I was recovering from the birth knocked out on drugs (and gagged) and did not know any of this until weeks later. By that time it was too late Bubba was gone.

The worskhop was hushed as they listend to Miss Zipmouths soliloquy.

However they knew bubba was now at Madame Doubtfires creche as she had survived Antarctica as she was standing right in front of them so how did she escape?

Miss Zipmouth continued her story.

My mother was religious, actually part Jewish but when she met the Chieftain she became another kind of crazy and converted to his cult. Of which he was leader of, and we were his subjects and supposed to worship him. He called himself Moses and fancied himself a prophet of some sort and everything he said was to be absolute truth. Of course I just pretended to go along with it even though much of it was nonsensical to me.

Mother became involved in a cloning operation whereby the Chieftain had himself cloned so that he could steal the Empresses Queendoms and convert them to his Kingdoms. Anything they had he thought he had a right to, whether it was lipsticks, old tyres, or guinea pigs. I could never follow what the latest power grab was going to be. He asked if I could be cloned as well but I refused. Is not one of me enough? It was bad enough I had the same name as mother, people were alway confusing me with her.

The chieftain cloned himself into three eagles and mother promptly dropped them on their heads for 'their own good' according to some twisted scripture in one of his five books. I later looked it up she was supposed to circumcise them but she didnt have a knife.

When I found out Bubba was taken I was so furious but there was nothing I could do, or say, so isolated was I in the frozen wastes of the Antarctic. He tried to convince me she had died and I was to 'get over it' and that I could always just have another one.

I was in a desperate state and did not know what to do or how to escape. I could not appeal to the Empresses for help they all hated me, and Miss Ruby especially made fun of me sending me dubious samples mascara that glued my eyelashes together but I suppose that was to get me back for the guinea pigs eating her edible lip glues. I still dont know why the guinea pigs had to be involved as the Chieftain hated animals and never responded to my plea that I would at least like a pet to look after in the frozen hell hole that was Antarctica.

Then one day the Red Beanies came to visit.

Miss Zipmouth continued

The chieftain was beating Miss Ruby at her lipstick empire thanks to my Japovian lipstick stocks and MLM marketing plan. But when she diversified into mascara, there was a gap in the market and we didnt have any other product to flog. However the uptake of lipstick production had environmental effects that the Chieftain was too busy counting his profits to see.

The Red Beanies did an audit of our company and found that we needed to up our game in the sustainable cosmetics department, but all I could think of was my baby. I didnt care about who was winning the cold war.

The Chieftain allowed the Red Beanies to film our 'secret bunker' as he always liked to call it for the MTV lifestyle show Cribs. He was hoping for extra cash to tide him over for his next move.

I was to play his 'perfect' mistress.

we we warned we had to be out of Antarctica before the spring melt and that was when I heard mother had found Bubba - the Lanolinlanders had rescued her and taken her in all this time, and in my heart I knew God was looking out for her. They were going to adopt her but mother snatched her away before they could go through with it, just turned up and bought her back to me. But I was in no state to be a mother and the dad really didnt want to be a dad. We didnt even have a home.

He refused to even pay childcare costs and said that Bubba was my problem and not his at all.

Miss Ruby felt herself become faint after what Eagle One had said.
Luckily Morty was there to catch her. She fell into his strong arms thinking she could get used to this.
The Mozzy's (offspring of Moses and Tizzy) would not be a good thing for the world. Imagine if they grew and later married Rubylander's. It would be fatal, she could not let this happen.
She had to think deeply as to what she should do. Have her enemies further away in Antartica, married and having Mozzy's or having them so close but no Mozzy's in sight. It was a difficult decision to make and one she would not take likely.
She decided she would ask all her confidant's their opinions and so typed an email she sent to each of them plus a check box question asking them the following:

Should I promote the nuptial of the wicked Chieftan Moses the Young and witch Tzipora which would result in 1) many Mozzy's (offspring of Moses and Tzipora) so that they move back to Antarctica far from Rubyland and Eden Island or 2) should I allow them to live nearby unwed with no Mozzy's? Please think this through carefully before replying and tick the appropriate box.

The email was sent to the two Empress's, three clones and Grandma Rubina. Miss Ruby eagerly waited for the results.

Miss Zipmouth continued, having a captive audience. Even Dame Edna did not interrupt.

The Chieftain did not care about Bubba, I was on my own. I also decided I must pay the Lanolinlanders back for their kindness taking in Bubba, who thy fed and clothed. I did not have a thing, my milk had dried up, my breasts were sore, there was not even a cot nor baby clothes...there were no shops in Antarctica where you could buy any supplies, it was not as if there was a baby factory nearby and I couldnt feed her frozen pizzas.

Mother orchestrated the move back to Rubyland even though it was incredibly risky and we had to avoid risking the ire of Miss Ruby who hated the Chieftains guts..but...she hated me even more. We stowed away on the Titanic 2 icebreaker that was dropping off supplies, they had come to film there - they were welcome to I was sick of it. I hoped that we could find safe haven in Lanolinland but mother was against this as she thought the Lanolinlanders were ignorant heathens and the Chieftain had poisoned her mind against them.

He was still intent on getting back at Miss Ruby. Every so often he would make headway but she always outwitted him, though we scored a few victories when she kept getting amnesia thanks to drinking our blue milk.

The voyage back was not smooth. I kept getting sea sick but the crew on board the Titanic 2 took pity on me and Bubba, they at least provided us with food and clothes. They had a complete wardrobe on board, though the Chieftain informed me that he was going to destroy the ship and we had to evacuate in the lifeboat and make our way to Great Barry Island. The Chietain relished destroying things after he was through with them so nobody else could have them and at that point I knew I was expendable and he was going to destroy me too.

One thing the Chieftain did to keep me captive was always complimenting my body, probably as he had nothing else to look at in Antarctica. Now my body is just a normal female body, nothing special or so I thought but then he liked to look at it unclothed. It was just a thing mistresses did.

I knew I had to do these things for him otherwise he would throw me out on my rear end. If he couldnt have me he would rather have Miss Ruby but would often tell me my body was better than hers, while comparing us on his spy vision. But when Miss Ruby had no clothes and was stuck on Eden Island, he kept ogling her.

When we got to Great Barry Island it was a relief to be back to 'civilisation' again, even though we were surrounded by bogans. That was when I saw the ad for Miss Bum Bum and I was informed that I had been nominated to appear on it. This was my chance to make good. The prize money was more than enough to pay for Bubbas needs. The Kardashians had hooked me up with them after my 'perfect' Crib appearance, and I knew I had to win. I was already plotting my escape from the Chieftain, saying that it would be good for our brand and since he was always complimenting me on my butt, why not show it to the world?

Where are you going? asked the Chieftain
I was wearing my wonder woman boots and my capain Underpants outfit.
Out I said. I have business to take care of. You'll need to look after Bubba.

Oh no you're not, You're a stay at home mother now, he snarled.

And you are her dad, I said. You can look after her just this once.

I glared at him. What home, we didnt even have a home, we were staying in a back packers hostel. It was full of bogans having a good time.

I said I was going to put food on the table for Bubba, since HE wasnt going to do it. And if HE wasnt going to look after her, I would find another man who would.

That did it. He blew up (the famous Chieftain temper) and blocked my path. He said was cursing and swearing that if I left I would regret it.
Is that a threat? I said.
He reached out his hands toward my neck and said listen Missus you're MY Japovian. I'm not letting you go anywhere. I have you on a short leash. Then he laughed his wicked laugh.

Thankfully I had a back up plan with one of my new allies I'd met at the hostel. She was in the next room and called for the police to come arrest the Chieftain for assaulting me.

I was never more thankful for law and order as I was right then. The cops came within. five minutes as they were just around the corner. They charged him for assault and handcuffed him and placed him in remand.

I took Bubba, and left in another car with my ally to the womens refuge. She told me about the DEAD and said I had talent and courage and would I like to enrol as I had much more going for me than just my looks. And they would help me look after Bubba.

And so here we are today.

To the simple minded Ms Jenny the conclusion of this question was, to put it in a context of which she could somehow comprehend, simple. Let them slide into wedlock and ship them off to the Antarctic ice covered wasteland. Mozzy’s or Tizzy’s, they could do no harm from Antarctica. She didn’t take into consideration the fact that traveling from down yonder wasn’t too difficult for a band of crooks.

The world was getting too complicated for a hillbilly girl who had unknowingly been elected Empress of a sovereign country. Too be honest, it was all because her magic hair had put a spell on the electorate. She was just a clerk in a beauty salon whenever she was suddenly and unwillingly elected. The power trip had made her insane. Over the last decade she had started three wars and she realized that she was thriving on wars. That was as long as she needn’t see no battlefields herself.

She didn’t know how respond to Ms Ruby . The only thing she could think of was extraditing Ms Tizzy to Russia or something. Maybe she could hook up with the baby oil soaked leader of that country?

Corruption ran deep in her country. She was the most corrupted person herself. All of her businesses were dependent on her role as the dictator. Just like any dictator.

She had to go back to her home on wheels in a trailer park in the Deep South and then announce that she was no longer the Empress of Jennymaesia. Hopefully Betty-Rose hadn’t popped the wheels off when she was away.

Miss Greenlips Hine had blocked Miss Rubys email as she kept getting spam and Lanolin had blocked Miss Greenlips Tik Tok.

It was a shame as Lanolin never got to see Miss Tizzy singing 'I will survive' though the DEAD had an appreciative audience in Evereverland.

The Lanolinland Propaganda machine was in overdrive. After a delicious breakfast, the (Great) Chieftain paced worriedly up and down the beach. The dreaded Prusilla - a.k.a. the long-missing but cruel stepmother of Baba Yaga a.k.a. the Empress Lanolin of Lanolinland - was churning out fake news as if all the damning details of Captain Biden's child trafficking network, the true motive behind World War III and Hillary Clinton's unredacted emails had been announced as major news stories on CNN and Fox on the same day.

The Great Chieftain had just finished deducing that Prusilla must be receiving outside help to produce all this rot - when Tzipora called him back to the breakfast fire, laughing. With a scowl at being interrupted from his important thoughts, the Great Chieftain returned to the breakfast fire, around which were now eating the two Mordecais and several early-rising Barries who were appreciative of Tzipora's delicious beachside cooking.

In one arm, Tzipora was nursing the now very-much awake and hungry Bubba, and in the other, holding out her "smart" phone. Tzipora held up her phone to show the Chieftain the source of her mirth, and his scowl turned into a look of horror as he realised she had been reading the somewhat-infamous-but-nonetheless-greatly-defamatory LanolinlandLowdown.co.nz.

"Look here," she laughed excitedly. "It says here I'm your mistress."

The Great Chieftain gulped. "Nonsense!" he exclaimed defensively. "Pretty much everything you read on the LanolinlandLowdown - the truth is the opposite!"

"I know!" Tzipora affirmed. "If I were your mistress, why, I'm sure I would have borne you 10 sons by now!" Tzipora's eyes sparkled with delight at the thought, and loyalty for her Great Chieftain.

The Great Chieftain did the math. "Is that even possible?", he asked the beautiful warrioress, forgetting for the moment the awkwardness of the propaganda claim, and being more interested in the logistics.

"Oh yes," explained Tzipora. "Assuming that we give birth every year, and that half of the children I bear you are sons - and obviously, that all are twins", she continued, "It runs in my family," she added, seeing the uncertainty on the Chieftain's face. "I think 10 sons would be a walk in the park!"

"Metaphorically," she assured him.

The Great Chieftain again felt the ring in his pocket, and the same feeling of dread that had filled before filled him once again as he thought about the Unasked Question. "Now would not be appropriate," he told himself. "She would think I am asking her simply because of her genetic disposition for twins."

Back in Lanolinland, Eagle Three, who'd mistakenly taken up a journalism apprenticeship because he thought it would be honest work, was wishing he hadn't on his infrequent breaks from supervising the small army of monkeys who were composing the articles. The Publisher, a hideous-looking woman who appeared to have preceded some of the mummies exhumed from the pyramids last century, seemed to have some sort of vendetta against Mosestaria, and in particular, its Great Leader and his beautiful but loyal warrioress, who also happened to be the female parent who had raised Eagle Three and his brother clones. Whilst the Publisher was not fussy about most stories produced provided they were appropriately disparaging of Mosestaria's favourite couple, some stories were deemed simply too outlandish for even the Lanolinland Lowdown.

Only 3 hours ago, Eagle Three had been forced to report Chimp #358 for his third breach - a science fiction article about a villain named Darth Moses and his children, Princess Tzipora-Leia and her brother Mordecai Skywalker, who were secretly twins yet working together to convert their mean father into a kind one via the sinking of his Barry R Death Island by the discovery and subsequent removal of its plug.

The Publisher had pointed one of her painted talons at poor Chimp #358. "This article is too generous to Princess Tzipora-Leia. It makes out she is too beautiful, and that she is a good and kind lady! Tzipora is a wicked woman! And because this is your third breach..."

Poor Eagle Three was not ready for what happened next. The Lanolinland Lowdown was located at the top of one of the towers in earthquake-prone Lanolinland, because the real estate up high was cheap given the potential consequences in the event of a quake. The Publisher grasped the unfortunate chimp by the scruff of its neck, and cast it from the building.

Shaking, Eagle Three returned to the newsroom to supervise the remaining 999 chimps and serve them Red Bull drinks, to ensure the chimps would keep the articles coming at top speed. "Perhaps I should not report the next breach?" he wondered to himself, in-between thoughts of wishing he would be rescued by his elder, smarter clone-brother, Eagle One.

At that moment, a message came through to his phone, apparently from a chimp named Ruby. "Should I promote the nuptial of the wicked Chieftain Moses the Young and witch Tzipora which would result in 1) many Mozzy's (offspring of Moses and Tzipora) so that they move back to Antarctica far from Rubyland and Eden Island or 2) should I allow them to live nearby unwed with no Mozzy's? Please think this through carefully before replying and tick the appropriate box."

"Ah, this is original," he thought. "A poll for our Lanolinland Lowdown subscribers."

The stress of the job and the wickedness of his employer had taken their toll on his mental faculties, and Eagle Three proceeded to publish the poll to all of the 500 million Lanolinland Lowdown subscribers scattered around the world.

Miss Ruby decided she was not going to deal with the strangeness that was going on world wide.
She with the help of Morty went back to Rubyland, captured Mr Tommy Hulk and fed him to the alligators. All that remained of him was one shoe. She called in a team of cleaners and redecorators and had her mansion cleaned, painted and redecorated. The engineers were currently building a golden bridge that span from Rubyland to Eden Island. She was back in her rightful place reigning over both Rubyland and Eden Island. It was time to get back to work and look after both places.

Miss Ruby thanked Morty her new friend and he was free to go back to where he came from. She made him a wonderful feast of pizza and they enjoyed their last meal together. They made a final toast of champagne when Morty announced that he wanted to stay. Miss Ruby was shocked. How could she trust a Mosestarian considering the two families long standing feud. She suddenly felt very ill.

Seeing the concern in eyes of his newfound friend and dare he say it - Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland - Morty explained to Miss Ruby that he was actually only a cousin to the Great Chieftain on the mother's side, not the father's side. And as she probably already knew, all the bad things usually come from the father's side, so she didn't have as much to worry about where he was concerned.

Also, Morty explained, himself and his family always had believed the great, great, great, great Grandma Rubina's side of the story when it came to the cause of the two families' long standing feud, and that Moses the Oldest had actually tried to poison her with salmonella, with the poor butcher just a scapegoat that Moses the Oldest had blamed when the fiery old lady had accused him of the plot. Ruby's great, great, great, great Grandma Rubina had at the time, rightly accused the Mosestarians of being glorified philistines, and Morty informed Ruby that he agreed with her punishment of smiting Moses the Oldest with a stone from her slingshot, and shaving the beard from the old rogue while he was unconscious as a symbol of her victory, and the truthfulness of her cause.

Miss Ruby was still somewhat unsure of what to make of all of this, so Morty continued to explain that his father was actually a Rubylander seduced by the beauty of his Mosestarian mother, and that he hoped Miss Ruby could understand, because wasn't even the great Samson tricked by the wiles of a woman?

All this talk of philistines and feuds and rogues had continued to make poor Miss Ruby feel very ill, although she wasn't entirely sure the pizza and champagne hadn't contributed to the incident. However, she was grateful when Morty had escorted her back to her quarters and provided her with some marvellous Mosestarian medicine which was reputed to cure all ills, excepting infuriating-in-laws and warts or skin-tags greater than one square centimeter in area, before departing for the time being to his rented apartment in Rubyland.

Miss Ruby heard the explanations Morty gave. Although quite convincing she still had doubt. After her dreadful mistake with Tommy Hulk she was not quick to trust.
She was surprised that Morty was half Rubylander. She did not know the two countries had inter mingled. She wondered whether she should feed him also to the crocodiles. Fortunately for him the crocs had been fed so he escaped being a meal for the night.
She decided to sleep on it and see in the weeks to come whether this Mr Morty was indeed trustworthy.

However, Miss Ruby needn't have bothered postponing the inevitable, as after trying to digest the incredible Tommy Hulk, one of the alligators was feeling quite poorly.

As Miss Ruby knew - or ought to have known - Mr Tommy Hulk really was the obnoxious Marxist McGown in disguise. Whilst the disgusting parasite was being digested in the poor alligator's stomach, its disguise came off and the alligator came face-to-face - or at least, appendage-to-stomach - with the obnoxious and bowel-churning Marxist. Feeling very ill indeed, the poor alligator tried to exercise its sickness off, by swimming all the way to the Western Coast of the Great Barry R's Island. Unfortunately, even after such exercise, the reptile was still feeling unhealthy, its sickness only finally cured when it vomited its indigestible meal on the western shores of Great Barry R's Island.

After a significant swim back to Rubyland, it was feeling quite hungry again, but unfortunately, Miss Ruby had decided to wait a few more weeks to determine whether Mr Morty was indeed trustworthy - which Miss Ruby's Great Arch-Nemesis strongly advised he was not!

Sir Peters lead player was killed off in a crocodile hunting expedition in the wilds of Rubyland.
But he found another female protagonist who had beauty and talent AND had inside experience with the Mosetarians.

Miss Zipmouth agreed to take the role, but only if they filmed in Evereverland. Keep your underpants on, said Sir Peter, Its not that kind of film.

Miss Zipmouth said the Chieftain would get whats coming to him after all the lies he told everyone (the truth was, nobody bothered to listen to him anyway except Rubylanders) and deserved no better fate than what happened to all the frozen pizzas.

You're a cold hearted bee Miss Zipmouth.

I know, she said. Im doing this for Bubba she deserves to know the truth. If the Chieftain thinks he can wreck vengeance by continuing to propogate his evil cult, and I die, then I would not have died in vain. Promise me you'll look after her should anything happen.

Sir Peter was quizzical, would he really kill you for speaking out?

He's tried to gag me before remember? He and Miss Ruby are in it together. She drank the blue milk.

Sir Peter was troubled, His directorial powers only went so far. It was only meant to be a silly horror film, a hobby really, to show up George Lucas and James Cameron.

We'll disguise your identity with Dame Ednas wardrobe. Nobody will know its you.

Put me in the ugliest, hairiest costume you can find.

When Lanolin got back home she found several books waiting for her to pick up at the library.
Oh good she said, I was tired of e-books on overdrive.

Miss Greenlips Hine apologised for the sending her the Tik Toks and had deleted the downloads of The Clones.

They arent as good as the Chipmunks after all, said Miss Greenlips Hine.
Well their novelty value wears off after a week. Said Lanolin. But be careful about importing any more North American chipmunks, Lord knows we have enough problems with possums from Rubyland.

I will only allow Alvin, Simon and Theodore visas for the Farmers Santa Parade. said Miss Greenlips Hine.
The Chippettes are doing a separate tour of Evereverland.

Good well Im glad that is sorted.
When I get back to the Beehive there will be a cabinet reshuffle, and we are all going to have new ministry portfolios.

Miss Greenlips Hine was pleased and hoped she would be in charge of Fisheries and Agriculture, since she loved her kai moana.

we'll see. Now I must get back to the library, dont let any volcanos erupt while Im gone.

Miss Greenlips Hine promised she'd keep everyone safe.

"I have an idea," Charles lied. He wasn't really in the habit of lying - that was more Eagle Three's forte - hence Eagle Three's Pinocchio Syndrome, and the beauty rhinoplasty Eagle Three just had to have that one episode. "Although," he wondered to himself, "I would like to know more about Snow White syndrome, and how to bring that back in a simple-and-easily-angered-but-nonetheless-still-very-much-likeable hillybilly girl."

The Empress of Jennymaesia raised her eyebrows questioningly. She hadn't seemed to be herself lately. Charles had noticed that she had become somewhat self-depracating of late - mentioning in her thoughts that she "had never been known for her knowledge of literature", and that "the president of Lanolinland had read more books than Miss Jenny had milked cows", and that the literature from "the southern part of the states was somehow inferior to the pompous, overglorified authors of Europe." Charles was becoming a little angry at just the thought of all these insults against the smartest dictator he knew. Certainly more clever than that serial-defamer-cum-publisher from Lanolinland, the one rumour has it is old enough to have been on the ark with Noah. And if Miss Jenny was comparing herself to the Great Chieftain - well, anyone could figure out that he had rarely ever read the books that he quoted from. The only reason he knew the plotlines was that he read the plot summaries on Google. As for Shakespeare... Charles shook his head. He'd have to look up who fair Verona was, but as for MacBeth representing bad luck, he could see that Miss Jenny had taken all that any sensible empress would from the archaic and mostly-obsolete-these-days author.

"What is your idea?" Miss Jenny asked, a little disinterestedly. Charles usually could read her thoughts, so it was odd that she had to ask him a question verbally this time.

"Well, it isn't really my idea," Charles admitted, deciding that he'd better be honest with his empress. "But I was thinking we could go on an extended trip to the Deep South, back to your home on wheels in a trailer park!"

The Empress of Jennymaesia stifled a half-hearted smile. "Are you saying you wouldn't mind living in a trailer, and having Betty-Rose pop off your wheels at night as a practical joke?"

"I'm even prepared to swim in the bayous with the alligators, and wrangle bulls at the rodeo, and do whatever else it is that Deep Southerners do," explained Charles enthusiastically. "Don't worry, I know that some bulls have sharp antlers," he added, in case Miss Jenny would think him totally ignorant of the fauna of the south. "I will wear some protective jeans," he promised, slapping his posterior. "But I will need to take your advice on protective gear for alligator's teeth. Alligators bite, don't they?"

"And who will we leave in charge of Jennymaesia?" asked Miss Jenny, not keen to dampen Charles' enthusiasm just yet with inconvenient truths.

"Well," wondered Charles aloud, a little hesitantly. "I actually wondered about Mrs Tizzy. I know, I know, she is certifiably insane, and she did raise that woman - Miss Tzipora - with questionable clone-motherly practices. But she's an honest lady - she has worked the last month or so to pay back Empress Lanolin for 1500 hours of full-time baby care for Tzipora's adopted son Bubba, that Mrs Tizzy had absolutely nothing to do with. And she is 95... It's not as if she'll be looking to oust you while you're away, in order to steal your job for herself..."

Miss Jenny nodded. Whether or not she agreed with Charles' plan for taking care of the Empire, this was a detail that could be determined another day. But she did like the idea of going home, and maybe paying back Betty-Rose for one or two of her past offenses.

Dame Edna was sorry to lose one of her most promising thespians to movie stardom
Shakespeare is a lost art these days, she lamented. But it couldnt be helped, she must do what she can to support her players ambitions. Besides, Miss Zipmouth had promised Bubba would be the star of the Nativity play.

Are these costumes hairy enough for you?

Miss Zipmouth considered. hmm, when I told sir Peter I wanted ugly, its not exactly what I had in mind.