Anxiety, Fear, Depression, Trauma

It all started in January 2015 after coming from an abusive relationship in December 2014; I decided that I am quitting alcohol, after a month or so I started developing immense fear (started as a minor fear that the ex-girlfriend might want to force herself through into my house), then I started having dark intrusive thoughts ,I then kept on telling myself (without saying it) that “I am going to kill myself” and this was for increasing fear it was not with intent to do it, I then started imagining what if I do this and that and those things being very scary and then I will be very tense, I researched and found that there is what they call PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms) from alcohol and that it can be the reason, well I am not sure if it really was the reason or it was the devil seeing that I might be gone from him so he wanted me back, even though I wasn’t born again. I went back to alcohol after 8 months of attending Psychologists and nothing working.
I continued being a heavy alcohol drinker, and then I had a seizure in 2018, it was due to Hypoglycaemia, which is a severe drop in blood glucose, It is also called insulin shock or insulin reaction caused by heavy drinking and not eating, the seizure is called hypoglycaemic episode, I felt numb and my jaws clenched, I was driving and parked on the roadside but I saw someone I know there and called him and he rushed me to a hospital where I was put on a drip. This was in October, from there I stopped drinking for two months, Then I started again, and then on 31st December and 1st January I drank heavily again, on 2nd January 2020 again the seizure wanted to start and I went back home.

From there I decided to quit alcohol completely, I suffered a lot from there, I fell into trauma of those episodes, which triggered anxiety and panicking because I was thinking it will happen again when I am around people, and it caused me to want to be alone all the time, I couldn't eat. I thought I was running mad as I had intrusive evil, dark thoughts. I was so skinny. Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, Anxiety, Depression, Panicking all at once. I started going to church, once had a panic attack in church ,I gave my life to Christ but it continued and I was depressed, sometimes I felt I am only in Christ because I am trying to make myself forget the whole thing and trying to run away from it, because even if I don't have the anxiety and feel healed I kept on feeling the anxiety will come back ,and then yes it kept on coming back, I used to be on psychotherapy sessions, I was even on a psychiatric pill for over a year which we ended up stopping when time elapsed, but it had no effect at all. Sometimes when I hear that someone has killed myself, I am creeped by fear thinking what if I am going to do that because of this anxiety and when I see a mentally ill person, I have the fear of what if this anxiety drives me there.
I felt I am reading the bible and praying for the sole reason that I am only trying to avoid the anxiety from coming back, even now I sometimes feel like that which sometimes sort of makes me lose faith in God’s healing and intervention. Through the months anxiety keeps on shedding away slowly though, but occasionally It happens whereby, I just panic and become stiff when I am in the middle of people thinking it will come back, thinking I will run mad, or my jaws will clench. And when I have a trip to somewhere or something very good is coming my way like having to meet the right people, I will just have this anxiety prior or on the day, also sometimes I wonder if I will be able to be a married man or be on a higher professional position because what if I am in but still suffering inside and having a no way out, it’s just a whole lot. I can’t even travel anywhere that’s far. Sometimes I have doubts if the Lord will completely deliver me from the anxiety. I have been praying with my reverend, but this thing isn't going away completely, and I lose faith as I start questioning if I really believe. The months I won't be having it (anxiety) I will still be having it at the back of my mind that it's going to come back, also I won't be trying hard not to sin thinking it will come back because of sinning which bring me guilt, condemnation, and heaviness.
The anxiety will be being afraid of insanity, death, suicide etc, you know whereby it's fear of things you fear and imagining yourself doing them, I sometimes have images of me mad and shouting at the top of my voice. It’s not nice at all. Sometimes I ask myself if God isn't going to help me then who will and how is it going to end, that’s when I fear the worst, I fear being hopeless. I dread the embarrassment of me being mad and people talking about me, I don't want to also see myself living with this anxiety as "condition that I have". Or maybe I have tapped into the part of a mind where there is no way out?
Also, I am a child of rejection and abandonment. At 17 years old our mother threw us out (me and my siblings) after meeting our stepfather, so from there I grew up knowing I have no one I can run to should life be difficult, I worked very hard that now I am an MBA graduate, a team leader, and a businessman and partly I have this thing also of being afraid to lose evrything. It’s only last year after 23 years that I/we decided to forgive her, and we went to her to try to build a road to reconciliation, unity, and forgiveness. Before going to her we called her first on the phone, after that I cried for 45 minutes straight. So even after we tried to do the right thing, from there she tried to divide us, of which she partly succeeded so we’re not close as siblings now as I speak, she is unrepentant about everything and wouldn’t want to do the right thing. I decided to just block her on my phone as I wouldn’t take her divisive tactics anymore. So, I realize that anger towards her is coming back, and I also feel guilty and blame myself.
As I speak, the fear of insanity, death, suicide etc and imagining myself going through them and being more fearful is what I am going through. I pray and pray to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ and deep deep down something tells me I am going to come out of this. It’s been 8 years.

How can I have this problem ultimately gone? is it spiritual or medical? be also in prayer with me..

The Bible says perfect love kicks fear out.

I have discovered within myself that there is much of fear in lack of perspective. The more I learn, the better my perspective is and the less I fear.

Hence the more I learn about God, the less I fear anything else.

I don't know why but I saw myself in what you wrote even though the instances are different but the feelings seem to be similar. I have an addiction too. Not of alcohol. Something I resorted to when I was under stress. This was since my 2nd year in MBBS. From then I found it hard to get rid of that addiction. I kept doing it even after telling myself I won't and praying and repenting many times. I felt God would be angry with me. Many a times I thought of quitting my habit , but some stress in life ultimately caused me to resort to it. The anxiety or uneasiness grows when I try to resist the temptation , and so many a times I have given in. I have chronic depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with it in 2019. I was put on antidepressants after that. I can tell you that the anxiety was relieved so well after taking it and I feel that the anxiety part will be taken care of with antidepressants. Despite having the symptoms even before 2019 ,I refused to take anti depressants for about a year after start of my symptoms because I felt like there is a stigma attached that I am taking mental medicines and also because I am a Christian and so I thought am doing something wrong by seeking a medicine for my anxiety and depression. I was persuaded by my dad before I started taking antidepressant. I have a family history of insanity. Both my elder brother and sister are schizophrenic and my mom has delusional disorder. So I get very anxious , that the anxiety and thoughts would drive me insane. Only some 3 days ago , when I restarted my antidepressant, ,there was control over those thoughts. Mental health is equally important as physical health. You need to take care of it. I am a doctor , and I also get this fear of losing everything because of all of these problems. Usually it is said that the antidepressants take 3-4 weeks to act. In my opinion, it is probably the depression part that takes 3-4 weeks , anxiety in my case seemed to have gone after a short time.
There could be side effects like decreased libido (low sexual desire) and such , for which you can specifically ask the doctor for a drug that doesn't have any sexual related side effects. I was having a hard time and wept at Church while singing the worship song because I felt unworthy of God due to my addiction. I had a suicidal thought the previous night. That same day a woman came forward and said that she felt that someone was very depressed in the Church and she felt a suicidal spirit. I felt that God saw my depression and my heavy soul. God sees your suffering too. In a couple of days after that, after restarting one of my antidepressants , I felt much better.
Today I still struggle with my addiction. So , I can just say to you , that am with you , more importantly God is with you. Take courage, have faith despite the internal struggle, that you are loved and you will be helped. It is a difficult battle I know. You can ask God for guidance before your first appointment if you decide to take help, and you can ask Him that His will be done. Before starting my antidepressants, I wanted to make sure I am in God's will. And a day came where I felt pushed to take it.
May God help you In Jesus name , Amen.

It all started in January 2015 after coming from an abusive relationship in December 2014; I decided that I am quitting alcohol, after a month or so I started developing immense fear (started as a minor fear that the ex-girlfriend might want to force herself through into my house), then I started having dark intrusive thoughts ,I then kept on telling myself (without saying it) that “I am going to kill myself” and this was for increasing fear it was not with intent to do it, I then started imagining what if I do this and that and those things being very scary and then I will be very tense, I researched and found that there is what they call PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms) from alcohol and that it can be the reason, well I am not sure if it really was the reason or it was the devil seeing that I might be gone from him so he wanted me back, even though I wasn’t born again. I went back to alcohol after 8 months of attending Psychologists and nothing working.
I continued being a heavy alcohol drinker, and then I had a seizure in 2018, it was due to Hypoglycaemia, which is a severe drop in blood glucose, It is also called insulin shock or insulin reaction caused by heavy drinking and not eating, the seizure is called hypoglycaemic episode, I felt numb and my jaws clenched, I was driving and parked on the roadside but I saw someone I know there and called him and he rushed me to a hospital where I was put on a drip. This was in October, from there I stopped drinking for two months, Then I started again, and then on 31st December and 1st January I drank heavily again, on 2nd January 2020 again the seizure wanted to start and I went back home.

From there I decided to quit alcohol completely, I suffered a lot from there, I fell into trauma of those episodes, which triggered anxiety and panicking because I was thinking it will happen again when I am around people, and it caused me to want to be alone all the time, I couldn't eat. I thought I was running mad as I had intrusive evil, dark thoughts. I was so skinny. Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, Anxiety, Depression, Panicking all at once. I started going to church, once had a panic attack in church ,I gave my life to Christ but it continued and I was depressed, sometimes I felt I am only in Christ because I am trying to make myself forget the whole thing and trying to run away from it, because even if I don't have the anxiety and feel healed I kept on feeling the anxiety will come back ,and then yes it kept on coming back, I used to be on psychotherapy sessions, I was even on a psychiatric pill for over a year which we ended up stopping when time elapsed, but it had no effect at all. Sometimes when I hear that someone has killed myself, I am creeped by fear thinking what if I am going to do that because of this anxiety and when I see a mentally ill person, I have the fear of what if this anxiety drives me there.
I felt I am reading the bible and praying for the sole reason that I am only trying to avoid the anxiety from coming back, even now I sometimes feel like that which sometimes sort of makes me lose faith in God’s healing and intervention. Through the months anxiety keeps on shedding away slowly though, but occasionally It happens whereby, I just panic and become stiff when I am in the middle of people thinking it will come back, thinking I will run mad, or my jaws will clench. And when I have a trip to somewhere or something very good is coming my way like having to meet the right people, I will just have this anxiety prior or on the day, also sometimes I wonder if I will be able to be a married man or be on a higher professional position because what if I am in but still suffering inside and having a no way out, it’s just a whole lot. I can’t even travel anywhere that’s far. Sometimes I have doubts if the Lord will completely deliver me from the anxiety. I have been praying with my reverend, but this thing isn't going away completely, and I lose faith as I start questioning if I really believe. The months I won't be having it (anxiety) I will still be having it at the back of my mind that it's going to come back, also I won't be trying hard not to sin thinking it will come back because of sinning which bring me guilt, condemnation, and heaviness.
The anxiety will be being afraid of insanity, death, suicide etc, you know whereby it's fear of things you fear and imagining yourself doing them, I sometimes have images of me mad and shouting at the top of my voice. It’s not nice at all. Sometimes I ask myself if God isn't going to help me then who will and how is it going to end, that’s when I fear the worst, I fear being hopeless. I dread the embarrassment of me being mad and people talking about me, I don't want to also see myself living with this anxiety as "condition that I have". Or maybe I have tapped into the part of a mind where there is no way out?
Also, I am a child of rejection and abandonment. At 17 years old our mother threw us out (me and my siblings) after meeting our stepfather, so from there I grew up knowing I have no one I can run to should life be difficult, I worked very hard that now I am an MBA graduate, a team leader, and a businessman and partly I have this thing also of being afraid to lose evrything. It’s only last year after 23 years that I/we decided to forgive her, and we went to her to try to build a road to reconciliation, unity, and forgiveness. Before going to her we called her first on the phone, after that I cried for 45 minutes straight. So even after we tried to do the right thing, from there she tried to divide us, of which she partly succeeded so we’re not close as siblings now as I speak, she is unrepentant about everything and wouldn’t want to do the right thing. I decided to just block her on my phone as I wouldn’t take her divisive tactics anymore. So, I realize that anger towards her is coming back, and I also feel guilty and blame myself.
As I speak, the fear of insanity, death, suicide etc and imagining myself going through them and being more fearful is what I am going through. I pray and pray to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ and deep deep down something tells me I am going to come out of this. It’s been 8 years.

How can I have this problem ultimately gone? is it spiritual or medical? be also in prayer with me..

It all started in January 2015 after coming from an abusive relationship in December 2014; I decided that I am quitting alcohol, after a month or so I started developing immense fear (started as a minor fear that the ex-girlfriend might want to force herself through into my house), then I started having dark intrusive thoughts ,I then kept on telling myself (without saying it) that “I am going to kill myself” and this was for increasing fear it was not with intent to do it, I then started imagining what if I do this and that and those things being very scary and then I will be very tense, I researched and found that there is what they call PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms) from alcohol and that it can be the reason, well I am not sure if it really was the reason or it was the devil seeing that I might be gone from him so he wanted me back, even though I wasn’t born again. I went back to alcohol after 8 months of attending Psychologists and nothing working.
I continued being a heavy alcohol drinker, and then I had a seizure in 2018, it was due to Hypoglycaemia, which is a severe drop in blood glucose, It is also called insulin shock or insulin reaction caused by heavy drinking and not eating, the seizure is called hypoglycaemic episode, I felt numb and my jaws clenched, I was driving and parked on the roadside but I saw someone I know there and called him and he rushed me to a hospital where I was put on a drip. This was in October, from there I stopped drinking for two months, Then I started again, and then on 31st December and 1st January I drank heavily again, on 2nd January 2020 again the seizure wanted to start and I went back home.

From there I decided to quit alcohol completely, I suffered a lot from there, I fell into trauma of those episodes, which triggered anxiety and panicking because I was thinking it will happen again when I am around people, and it caused me to want to be alone all the time, I couldn't eat. I thought I was running mad as I had intrusive evil, dark thoughts. I was so skinny. Post-Acute Withdrawal Symptoms, Anxiety, Depression, Panicking all at once. I started going to church, once had a panic attack in church ,I gave my life to Christ but it continued and I was depressed, sometimes I felt I am only in Christ because I am trying to make myself forget the whole thing and trying to run away from it, because even if I don't have the anxiety and feel healed I kept on feeling the anxiety will come back ,and then yes it kept on coming back, I used to be on psychotherapy sessions, I was even on a psychiatric pill for over a year which we ended up stopping when time elapsed, but it had no effect at all. Sometimes when I hear that someone has killed myself, I am creeped by fear thinking what if I am going to do that because of this anxiety and when I see a mentally ill person, I have the fear of what if this anxiety drives me there.
I felt I am reading the bible and praying for the sole reason that I am only trying to avoid the anxiety from coming back, even now I sometimes feel like that which sometimes sort of makes me lose faith in God’s healing and intervention. Through the months anxiety keeps on shedding away slowly though, but occasionally It happens whereby, I just panic and become stiff when I am in the middle of people thinking it will come back, thinking I will run mad, or my jaws will clench. And when I have a trip to somewhere or something very good is coming my way like having to meet the right people, I will just have this anxiety prior or on the day, also sometimes I wonder if I will be able to be a married man or be on a higher professional position because what if I am in but still suffering inside and having a no way out, it’s just a whole lot. I can’t even travel anywhere that’s far. Sometimes I have doubts if the Lord will completely deliver me from the anxiety. I have been praying with my reverend, but this thing isn't going away completely, and I lose faith as I start questioning if I really believe. The months I won't be having it (anxiety) I will still be having it at the back of my mind that it's going to come back, also I won't be trying hard not to sin thinking it will come back because of sinning which bring me guilt, condemnation, and heaviness.
The anxiety will be being afraid of insanity, death, suicide etc, you know whereby it's fear of things you fear and imagining yourself doing them, I sometimes have images of me mad and shouting at the top of my voice. It’s not nice at all. Sometimes I ask myself if God isn't going to help me then who will and how is it going to end, that’s when I fear the worst, I fear being hopeless. I dread the embarrassment of me being mad and people talking about me, I don't want to also see myself living with this anxiety as "condition that I have". Or maybe I have tapped into the part of a mind where there is no way out?
Also, I am a child of rejection and abandonment. At 17 years old our mother threw us out (me and my siblings) after meeting our stepfather, so from there I grew up knowing I have no one I can run to should life be difficult, I worked very hard that now I am an MBA graduate, a team leader, and a businessman and partly I have this thing also of being afraid to lose evrything. It’s only last year after 23 years that I/we decided to forgive her, and we went to her to try to build a road to reconciliation, unity, and forgiveness. Before going to her we called her first on the phone, after that I cried for 45 minutes straight. So even after we tried to do the right thing, from there she tried to divide us, of which she partly succeeded so we’re not close as siblings now as I speak, she is unrepentant about everything and wouldn’t want to do the right thing. I decided to just block her on my phone as I wouldn’t take her divisive tactics anymore. So, I realize that anger towards her is coming back, and I also feel guilty and blame myself.
As I speak, the fear of insanity, death, suicide etc and imagining myself going through them and being more fearful is what I am going through. I pray and pray to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ and deep deep down something tells me I am going to come out of this. It’s been 8 years.

How can I have this problem ultimately gone? is it spiritual or medical? be also in prayer with me..

Great step was quitting the alcohol completely. I grew up being taken to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings by someone close to me in my family. It kind of came like my daycare when I was a child. In a sense I was raised by people with severe substance abuse, mental health, and emotional health problems. I've seen or heard of almost everything from that crowd, but none of them really wanted to be in their situation anymore.

A thing I know is that fear, anxiety, depression, trauma, intrusive thoughts, and many more other things come because they reinforce themselves. Your memories of these feelings and the things you've gone through build themselves like a snowball rolling downhill. They self-reinforce themselves because they require themselves to exist. Fear creates more fear, depression creates more depression, anxiety creates more anxiety, etc.

You can come to a place where you aren't really concerned about those things.

The Bible says to think of what is pure and lovely for the very same reasons I mentioned above. Pure thoughts make more pure thoughts, lovely thoughts make more lovely thoughts, etc.

This won't happen overnight, but today if you will make a list of all of the true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things in your life and read it every day then I think it will help you mental/emotional health a lot.

And of course, I'm praying for you. God bless.

Philippians 4:8,9
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think on these things.
9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Memorandum from God (<= link )

Thank You , I have saved the web page, I will read it

Welcome to CC, Fred...
I will be straightforward with you: it sounds to me that the problems you face are both relational and spiritual. If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your saviour, do so. Nothing else I can offer will help you until this foundation is established.

It appears that you have some open doors for dark spirits to oppress you. Through prayer, those doors may be shut and the entities that do have access can be permanently evicted. You can get help with this, though it is best done in-person with a Christian leader experienced in such things; you may need to make cautious inquiries through your local church to find such person(s).

You will also need to deal with the relational issues. This can happen through forgiveness and in some cases, reconciliation. The healing doesn't depend on anyone else, but the reconciliation does. Focus on the healing first.

May the Lord lead you to wholeness, health and peace in Christ.

Thanks, I am on that path of learning more about God

Please give me an example of things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent

The Bible says perfect love kicks fear out.

I have discovered within myself that there is much of fear in lack of perspective. The more I learn, the better my perspective is and the less I fear.

Hence the more I learn about God, the less I fear anything else.

I will do my best to just look at my life and give some examples. I'm sure many more things can be added to this list and for most of this there is not a right or wrong answer, except for the one about the gospel The rest is whatever you think/feel.

true: the gospel
honorable: standing up for those who are weaker, helping others become better
right: helping the sick, feeding hungry people, doing charitable things in general, giving people grace and mercy
pure: happiness, friendship, trust, smiling
lovely: nature, the sky, the clouds, flowers, people
admirable: helping people, always doing the right things, praying, working hard, having fun
excellent: learning, good food, sleeping is like vacation

Philippians 4:9
9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.