When do you cut off a friendship once becoming distant?

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Moses_Young

Moses_Young

Banned
#21
Sep 15, 2019
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#21
I still don't understand why you can't put it on hold. No cards or effort necessary. When the friend is ready to contact you, she will. Even if that's decades into the future. And then carry on as you left off. Why should it trouble or offend in the interim? We were designed to live forever - a few decades is nothing in the scheme of things.

The only awkward thing is if you've forgotten her name by the time she comes back, or mistake her for somebody else. Then you can blame the length of her absence.
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#22
Mar 13, 2014
42,655
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Tennessee
#22
Subhumanoidal said:
I'm not a fan of fussing around with dead friendships. I may make some checks to see if things are really done, and once confirmed I move on.
I may not delete their info right away, though. And if they come back around I'll be open. But if they come and go I'll cut it off.
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I move on from dead relationships too. Who needs all of that clutter.
 
MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#23
Mar 8, 2022
1,156
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#23
Moses_Young said:
I still don't understand why you can't put it on hold. No cards or effort necessary. When the friend is ready to contact you, she will. Even if that's decades into the future. And then carry on as you left off. Why should it trouble or offend in the interim? We were designed to live forever - a few decades is nothing in the scheme of things.

The only awkward thing is if you've forgotten her name by the time she comes back, or mistake her for somebody else. Then you can blame the length of her absence.
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Putting the relationship on hold or ending it is in the mind. The outward appearances are the same...no further contact. For me it is better to end it in my mind so I can move forward, so that I don't waste my time/energy. However there are a few exceptions so I dont have the same mindset with those friends. However, if any person from either group wants to contact me that's fine, it's just how I control my emotions and expectations on my end.
 
H

HopeinHim4ever

Guest
#24
#24
MsMediator said:
Putting the relationship on hold or ending it is in the mind. The outward appearances are the same...no further contact. For me it is better to end it in my mind so I can move forward, so that I don't waste my time/energy. However there are a few exceptions so I dont have the same mindset with those friends. However, if any person from either group wants to contact me that's fine, it's just how I control my emotions and expectations on my end.
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I understand but personally have a hard time letting go when I was really close with someone at one time. I can tell you really care about your friends and that's beautiful. Something you may want to check into are the different passages in the NT that instruct us what kind of people to avoid... I personally have a hard time accepting that sometimes, but it is for our own spiritual well-being.
2 Timothy 3:1-5
1 Corinthians 5:10-13
Romans 16:17,18
 
N

notonmywatch

Guest
#25
#25
MsMediator said:
In the past, I had a friend whom I considered to be close, but she did not invite me to her wedding. I saw her wedding pics on Facebook (when I had it) and she did invite some friends. Later on, she invited me to the baby shower which didn't make sense to me (my first thought was that she wanted a gift). Anyway, as she never considered me to be a close friend (by not inviting me to her wedding), I decided to end that friendship.
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It does sound like she only sought a gift.

Proverbs 19:6
Many will intreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.

It might be best to first determine what a friend actually is before seeking to determine how to deal with them. Here are some verses of scripture to ponder in that regard:

Exodus 33:11
And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend.

If someone has no desire to see and speak to you face to face, then I'd question whether or not they truly are your friend. I said "desire" because there might be legitimate reasons why someone cannot see you face to face, but if none exist and they remain distant, then that speaks volumes to me.

Deuteronomy 13:6
If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

If your "friend" isn't as your own soul or doesn't really have the same mindset that you have, then are they really your friend? That sounds more like an enemy or adversary to me. I still maintain a Facebook account, even though I rarely ever post on it anymore. I have several "friends" there, but, in reality, none of them can stand me or my sharing of the gospel message there. At best, they tolerate me. At worst, they loathe both me and the Lord whom I serve. Why haven't they "unfriended" me? Probably only to pad their friend count for egotistical reasons. The only reason that I don't "unfriend" them all, and I have "unfriended" many people over the years, is because I figure that at least they're being confronted with the gospel message from time to time. We're definitely not real friends though, even though I've been a true friend to them in that I genuinely care about their souls.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Do these "friends" of whom you speak love you at all times? If not, then they're really not your friends.

Proverbs 18:24
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Do your "friends" show themselves to be friendly? If they don't, then they're simply not your friends in reality.

Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Will your "friends" faithfully wound you if need be, or are they just what we might rightly call "kiss ups"? If they're "kiss ups", then they're your deceitful enemies, and not your true friends.

Proverbs 27:9
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel.

Do your "friends" ever offer you hearty counsel, or are they open to receiving the same themselves? If not, then they're really not your friends. I've had so many "friends" over the years who never wanted to even talk to me unless they needed something from me. I don't consider any of them to be my friends.

Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

Do your "friends" sharpen your countenance as iron sharpens iron? If not, then are they really your friends?

There are many people who claim to be our "friends", but their actions clearly tell us otherwise. Of course, all of these same principles apply to us as well. In other words, we need to be examining ourselves to see if we're really a true friend to others.

If I use the Bible as my guide or dictionary by which I define words or terms, then I really only have a few friends on the face of the earth. Even so, I always seek, with God's help, to be a true friend to others.
 
H

HopeinHim4ever

Guest
#26
#26
notonmywatch said:
It does sound like she only sought a gift.

Proverbs 19:6
Many will intreat the favour of the prince: and every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts.

It might be best to first determine what a friend actually is before seeking to determine how to deal with them. Here are some verses of scripture to ponder in that regard:

Exodus 33:11
And the LORD spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend.

If someone has no desire to see and speak to you face to face, then I'd question whether or not they truly are your friend. I said "desire" because there might be legitimate reasons why someone cannot see you face to face, but if none exist and they remain distant, then that speaks volumes to me.

Deuteronomy 13:6
If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;

If your "friend" isn't as your own soul or doesn't really have the same mindset that you have, then are they really your friend? That sounds more like an enemy or adversary to me. I still maintain a Facebook account, even though I rarely ever post on it anymore. I have several "friends" there, but, in reality, none of them can stand me or my sharing of the gospel message there. At best, they tolerate me. At worst, they loathe both me and the Lord whom I serve. Why haven't they "unfriended" me? Probably only to pad their friend count for egotistical reasons. The only reason that I don't "unfriend" them all, and I have "unfriended" many people over the years, is because I figure that at least they're being confronted with the gospel message from time to time. We're definitely not real friends though, even though I've been a true friend to them in that I genuinely care about their souls.

Proverbs 17:17
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Do these "friends" of whom you speak love you at all times? If not, then they're really not your friends.

Proverbs 18:24
A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.

Do your "friends" show themselves to be friendly? If they don't, then they're simply not your friends in reality.

Proverbs 27:6
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

Will your "friends" faithfully wound you if need be, or are they just what we might rightly call "kiss ups"? If they're "kiss ups", then they're your deceitful enemies, and not your true friends.

Proverbs 27:9
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel.

Do your "friends" ever offer you hearty counsel, or are they open to receiving the same themselves? If not, then they're really not your friends. I've had so many "friends" over the years who never wanted to even talk to me unless they needed something from me. I don't consider any of them to be my friends.

Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

Do your "friends" sharpen your countenance as iron sharpens iron? If not, then are they really your friends?

There are many people who claim to be our "friends", but their actions clearly tell us otherwise. Of course, all of these same principles apply to us as well. In other words, we need to be examining ourselves to see if we're really a true friend to others.

If I use the Bible as my guide or dictionary by which I define words or terms, then I really only have a few friends on the face of the earth. Even so, I always seek, with God's help, to be a true friend to others.
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Good points.
 
Moses_Young

Moses_Young

Banned
#27
Sep 15, 2019
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#27
MsMediator said:
Putting the relationship on hold or ending it is in the mind. The outward appearances are the same...no further contact. For me it is better to end it in my mind so I can move forward, so that I don't waste my time/energy. However there are a few exceptions so I dont have the same mindset with those friends. However, if any person from either group wants to contact me that's fine, it's just how I control my emotions and expectations on my end.
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I agree that the outward appearances are the same. But I hold that the difference between putting the relationship on hold or ending it is in the heart. An ended relationship has to be started again (if at all). A relationship on hold simply waits, willing to continue.

Does God end His relationship with us when we stray too long? Did the father end his relationship with the prodigal son? I'm not saying you are God, or your friend is your prodigal son. But God is our role model, and we should aspire to be more like Him, and less like the world.
 
J

justahumanbeing

Well-known member
#28
Mar 25, 2020
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#28
Hi MsMediator.

Hope you are well.

I've had a similar experience like yours.

When we're young, we're innocent. Full of love and laughter. No political or religious agendas. Friendship goes beyond all those boundaries. It knows no race, colour, caste, creed, religion, gender, etc etc.

Friends are the only people who will accept you just the way you are.

I've had so many friends who just drifted away from me for something I didn't intentionally do. Or maybe I was too complacent and too nice to my friends. Going out of my way for them. And when that changed, things changed.

I got a lot of being taken for granted by them. I was not treated right and with the dignity that I hoped for.

But that does not make them enemies now. I loved them before. I still do. But, I have my self respect. Will not go calling on them if they don't reply or if they don't want to talk or maintain the friendship.

There have been friends who broke my trust. Those I won't contact ever.

There are friends who have been as close as family who drifted away. Those I just say hi, wish them on feast days,etc.

You don't have to have the same political views to love a friend. No. They're still people. Still the same person you knew. And you would not ask this unless you felt for them as a friend.

I don't delete the numbers of people I know. Best to always keep them. But I will never talk with people who think they're better than me or that I don't deserve to be close to them.

Because I know that I never abused a friend. If they're cutting my calls, not answering or avoiding, that's on them. I have my self respect. I won't keep calling them.

We keep growing. Sometimes we just have to keep moving forward.

The memories are worth keeping. If there are good memories, do treasure them. Forgive. If it is bitter, forget. And keep an open heart if someone approaches us. Because our God says forgive.

But don't give them a second chance to fool you. If they already broke your trust, they can break it again.

Just some of my thoughts on the matter which I thought you might find useful.

I never think of my friends or anyone when I'm not with them. Keeping the mind as a clean slate when you're not with people is very healthy for you. Don't have to think of them at all.

You feel someone is not good for your life, cut them from your life. I mean, cut their friendship. If they're toxic, don't let them in your life.

But if you are a strong person, help such people too. We carry God's love and light and it is to be shared with all. Even enemies. So, friends do deserve our love. Even if they don't deserve, we can Still show them to be better people by example.

I hope you feel at peace with your friends. Give the wounds time. They'll heal.
 
B

blueluna5

Well-known member
#29
Jul 30, 2018
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#29
MsMediator said:
If you and a friend became distant over time, at what point (at least mentally) do you cut off the friendship? By cutting off, I mean you ended communications, stopped initiating conversations, deleted their phone number, etc. For this particular thread, I am focusing on friendships that have become distant over time, not friendships you have cut off because your friend betrayed you, stole your boyfriend, etc.

If I have not communicated with someone over a few years, I tend to delete their number from my phone (not sure if this is the right way to handle this, but I prefer not seeing their name in my phone if there is no communication). I am now dealing wit a situation where a close friend and I have become distant since 2016 due to politics, and by extension religion. She definitely had more of an issue with how I voted, versus the other way around. Just recently I was shocked she didn't update me that she moved apartments and got a promotion. Our relationship has basically evolved into wishing each other formalities like happy birthday, Merry Christmas, etc., so about every 6 months. Since we were very close at one point, I am fine with just continuing this formality into the future. In the past, I did ask how she was doing, but she did not want to go back and forth conversing so I stopped asking her.
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I usually focus on events verses time. So if they stop inviting you to different things you use to share, don't ask how you're doing when pregnant and have asked them, things like that. I find they usually have another close friend at that point and they're not interested anymore. I also pay attention to how they behave when we're together. If it feels awkward, like we can't have a conversation or if they are deliberately disagreeing on points they've agreed with before. Sometimes it seems like the world is against the friendship. That might be extreme but seriously it will be horrible weather or circumstances when together. Idk but there's an energy you feel when it's faded and they just don't seem to be into the friendship anymore. It sucks, I'm very sensitive when I get close to people and they ditch me. My last best friend breakup felt as bad as an actual breakup to me. I'm ready to move on now and hopefully find some other friends. I think I'll be waiting until I'm hopefully healthier and the kids are a bit older for that though.
 
JesusLives

JesusLives

Senior Member
#30
Oct 11, 2013
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#30
I get what the OP is talking about. I will add that it has also happened in my family...even beyond the friend thing...

I had a best friend in high school that we were so close and did so much together and then she got married and I got married she started her family first and that was a problem for me as my husband didn't want kids at all and we ended up divorcing. I moved to another state and my girlfriend and I just got busy with life and lost contact and I did see her once when I went back to see my family.

She had gotten married to another guy and was busy having a family with him I visited her ex-husband on that same trip as I was still friends with him too. Then fast forward many more years I had lost contact with her but I tried to reach out on Face Book and it seems she had just quit when I had just signed up. I found her sister on FB years after that and asked if she would contact her for me and ask her if I could have her information again.

Then my friend came back on Face Book and we connected again and picked up just about like nothing ever happened to the friendship so I think sometimes when you are good friends that even when life and time goes on connected or not when you do get back in touch it is as if it doesn't matter at least with this friend of mine. We still live in different states although two years ago I moved two states closer to her and hope to go see her soon face to face.

Family though even though there are problems and you try and fix them sometimes you still have to let go and I just did that with a cousin. I hurt her feelings and she got mad at me and even though I have apologized several times and asked for forgiveness she just doesn't seem to want to let it go. So I give up I can't fix it even though I have tried and my heart, door and I'd say phone too if I had one but I don't, but I do have Face Book and so does she and everything is open to her and I have tried contacting and talking to her but she doesn't want to really talk to me. It's the distant thing like you treat someone in a polite way but not really want to have anything to do with them. I think it hurts more when it's family.
 
MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#31
Mar 8, 2022
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#31
blueluna5 said:
I usually focus on events verses time. So if they stop inviting you to different things you use to share, don't ask how you're doing when pregnant and have asked them, things like that. I find they usually have another close friend at that point and they're not interested anymore. I also pay attention to how they behave when we're together. If it feels awkward, like we can't have a conversation or if they are deliberately disagreeing on points they've agreed with before. Sometimes it seems like the world is against the friendship. That might be extreme but seriously it will be horrible weather or circumstances when together. Idk but there's an energy you feel when it's faded and they just don't seem to be into the friendship anymore. It sucks, I'm very sensitive when I get close to people and they ditch me. My last best friend breakup felt as bad as an actual breakup to me. I'm ready to move on now and hopefully find some other friends. I think I'll be waiting until I'm hopefully healthier and the kids are a bit older for that though.
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Yes, friend breakups can be very bad. I have had a couple of those and it can be hard to understand how people can be close but then become distant. I think getting new friends definitely helps the healing process. In my case, I was driven to go to church when I was going through a friend breakup, and I found new friends from church. I have also now accepted that some friends only last for a season.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#32
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#32
i dont know I think it just keeps the numbers I call the most. I tried deleting some but they just come back up again even though havent rung them in years. I dont understand 'smart phones'. Mine also keeps givng me 'memories' as if I cant use my own brain. Weird.
MsMediator said:
How do you hide your contacts?
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GardenofWeeden

GardenofWeeden

Well-known member
#33
Jul 27, 2018
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The Garden of Weeden
#33
Never. Friends don't need to be in constant contact to know the other cares. I might delete a phone number if it becomes obsolete, but I never cut off the friend.
 
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