Courtship...Broken Courtship

At the suggestion of a couple members, I decided to share my experience in this area. It's no instruction manual because, (as you can see from the title) it didn't end in marriage, but in tears and heartbreak. I hope someone can learn from the mistakes I made and save themselves some pain! I'm gonna be pretty vulnerable here so bear with me. Also it will end up being two parts probably.

So I was 22 when I realized this young man was interested in me. I was good friends with his family and was staying a couple weeks with them at the time to visit and help on their farm. During that visit, I was more and more attracted to him and was hoping and praying that God would give him wisdom, and to let him ask to court me. I knew I had questions, and some things I didn't agree with his dad about, but I also knew he didn't agree with his dad about everything so I consoled myself that I really didn't know how he felt.

I left their place after a couple weeks and was staying with some other friends for a couple weeks. While I was there, my dad got a letter in the mail from this young man asking permission to court me. I pretty much knew it was coming, and needless to say I was excited. So he and my dad talked a little and daddy gave him permission to come see me at my friends house that wknd. This was all new to both of us, it being both of our first courtships, and we were nervous and excited.

I remember right before our first visit, my friend I was staying with asked me, "So you've prayed about this, right? You're not just doing it because he's the first one to ask?" (which wasn't technically the case, but it was the first official, realistic request) I answered that yes, I'd prayed, but her question plagued me a little cuz I knew I didn't really seek God enough. I consoled myself that this was only a courtship and it wasn't like I'm planning a wedding. This was a time to figure out those things, right?

The first couple months of our courtship went pretty smooth, but something was missing. It wasn't how I imagined it to be. I wanted to marry a strong spiritual leader who was passionate about God, and this young man was not what I'd envisioned. I also was finding myself NOT as attracted to him, and these were both stressful and painful realizations. Finally I took a little time to seek God in prayer and His word about it, and I thought He gave me enough peace to proceed. I soon ended up talking to him about some of my concerns, which was really difficult to do. He listened and things went smooth for awhile.

About 4 months into the courtship, I later found out that he had called my dad and asked if it was okay to move forward into marriage. I was away from home helping a friend that had a baby at the time, and strangely around the same time he called my dad, I had started feeling really uneasy about our relationship. My mom called and asked how I felt about it by now and I shared some of what I was thinking. I mentioned one certain doctrine that concerned me and she advised me to talk with him about it. He, my parents and I all ended up sitting down and talking about it, and that calmed some of my fears because he seemed open enough learn and I was too.

But soon after that began a very rocky period in our courtship. I look back now and realize that since he'd asked about marriage and my dad had said we need more time (unbeknownst to me), he was trying hard to work through all our problems so we could get married. So many little issues came up and when we'd try to work through them, it would drag out and turn into these tiring emotional talks. I was so discouraged and my family was concerned about me. But I held on cuz I was attached to him at this point and I knew it would be really painful to break up.

I mentioned above that I was finding myself less attracted to him. That was something that came and went throughout most of our 10-month courtship, except the last little while. And it did NOT mostly have to do with looks. It was annoying habits and personality traits that I just didn't know if I could live with cuz they bothered me so much.

The worst part lasted about 2 months. And it wasn't all bad at all. We had some very good and meaningful times too. We started thinking seriously about marriage. His dad felt we were getting too close physically and thought we should either slow down or plan to get married, and of course we wanted the latter. (mind you, by being "too close physically", I mean hugs and him putting his arm around me. We never kissed or anything more than that).

But I could not make feel at peace with marriage, much as I prayed and sought counsel from my parents and other Christians. So I had to tell him how I felt, and we ended up "slowing down". (Fewer visits and phone calls, plus being more hands off)

To be continued...

Part 2:

So things really improved as far as understanding each other and getting along better when we slowed down. Meanwhile I made plans to join my family who were preparing to move out of state. He made it clear to me that he wanted to get engaged soon, and I knew he was planning to propose when he came up to see me. I told him my mind was made up, and I tried to convince myself that I was ready to move forward. But the closer it got to his visit, the more I was uneasy. Finally, before he came, I called and once again I had to tell him I did not have peace. We were both very emotional about it and he tried to be understanding. I told him why I thought it was that I felt this way, which was because of that doctrine we had previously discussed. But looking back, I know there were quite a few more reasons that I couldn't/didn't want to see clearly at the time.

I was very hopeless at this point that our courtship would ever end in marriage. As much as I'd sought God and as many times as I'd had to back out already, I didn't see it happening, and that was very depressing to me and discouraging to him. He did end up coming to visit a couple weeks later but without plans to propose, and I felt a lot better. See the pattern? Anytime it was getting close to time to make a commitment, I'd get uncomfortable. It was so hard; I hated being that way.

In the summer of 2021, about 9 1/2 months into our courtship and maybe 3 weeks after his visit, I came down to the state where he lived to help another family that had a baby. I spent the first weekend with his family, and had a very nice time. My doubts and fears were in the background a lot more, and I thought maybe it was just me not trusting God the whole time. I spent the next weekend with them as well, and that's when he proposed. I pushed my doubts aside and said yes, for these reasons: First, I knew I loved him. I'd doubted it before but now I knew. Second, we'd worked through most of our issues and got along so much better now. And, if God had led us this far, couldn't He keep leading?

So we started planning the wedding, and I was very excited of course. But very soon the familiar doubts started plaguing my mind again. I told him how I felt and he was very kind and tried to help. Then one day I had the day to myself at the family's house where I was staying, and took that time to seek God. No matter how much I prayed and sought Him in His word, I could not feel His smile upon my decision. It was terribly difficult and I didn't know what to do. I think I knew deep down that there would be no "slowing down" this time; it was either all or nothing.

That evening (almost a week after he proposed) he and his sister came to pick me up for the weekend, and he could tell something was wrong right away. We stayed up late that night hashing it out and trying to make sense of it all. He believed I wasn't trusting God, and I was ruling out that idea. I knew I had a propensity to overthink things. But I also felt like with how much I'd sought God, He would have given me peace if it was His will.

The next day was extremely emotional for us both. We cried and prayed together, and talked to both sets of parents (mine we had to call because they lived long-distance). My parents did not think we should go ahead when I felt this way. His dad was more of the belief that I wasn't trusting God, but they also knew I couldn't continue planning the wedding if I had these doubts, and of course we agreed.

That was on a Sat. On Mon, when I was back at my employer's house, I was seeking God that morning in His word and prayer and felt quite clearly He was leading me to surrender. It was a very heartbreakingly difficult decision. We talked on the phone that night for the last time for nearly 3 hours, not wanting to say goodbye.

I can hardly describe the bitter, dark days that ensued. It felt like I was in a deep, dark hole with no light and no chance of light ever penetrating the darkness. The very worst part lasted a week, but for a couple months not many days went by I didn't cry, and my joy wasn't truly restored till about a year and a half later.

I talked to SO MANY different people about my story, trying to make sense of it. Most people said, "You did the right thing. Don't ever get married unless you know for sure." But then there were people who thought I was making a bad decision. I was pretty confused and disillusioned. Finally I went back home after a few months, and that's where I really began to heal, though it was still a long process. I praise the Lord He's given me joy again, and I'm thankful He's helped me see things more clearly in hindsight.

I mentioned above there were other things I didn't want to admit that were problems... what were they? Well, for one, and I have friends and relative that would resoundingly testify to this, he was not ready to get married. I may not have been either, but he was a little younger than me and was raised very sheltered so his maturity and life experience weren't as developed as they could have been. Also, there were character flaws that people mentioned, that I defended at the time but now I admit would have been a lot to work through in a marriage. And also as I mentioned, even though he is a Christian and well-versed in the Bible, he wasn't the spiritual leader that I knew I wanted/needed in a husband.

MUCH has happened after the initial breakup, that would take quite a bit more space to tell, and it's probably not so necessary. Suffice it to say, for awhile after the breakup, he was quite confident God would restore our relationship. He even felt like God gave him a sign this would happen. And he promised to stay single for me as long as it took. And a couple times we began texting again, hopeful God would restore our relationship. But the last time his mom got involved and it didn't end well. I found out over a year ago he told my brother that now that he looks back he sees the breakup was for the best. That truly broke my heart, probably worse than the breakup, because he was so hopeful and having him hopeful made me hope.

It's been a slow process of truly letting go. There was a time I questioned God, "Why do I have to go through all this? Do you even care at all?" But He brought me through and I praise Him. I know I can't blame Him, either, because I think He tried to show me the red flags before I'd gotten so attached, if I'd only heeded. Anyway, if anyone actually read to the end, I hope you gleaned something.

It’s so refreshing to read your story in that the people involved are so committed to pleasing God.

Thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable.

There are so many valuable lessons in what you wrote.

One of the first things that impressed me was writing letters.

I think that’s such a great way to communicate, especially concerning a matter so important as marriage.

Will you address how letter writing influenced/affected the process?

How old were you and he

This sounds normal...most young people go through breakups simply cos they just not ready. Its very unlikely you marry the first one who asks. Couples who do that are rare and many young couples that are pushed into marriage by their parents come a cropper later.

what I reckon ought to happen is everyone wait till they are in their 70s to get married and adopt children of couples that no longer want them as theyve had enough of being parents.

Marriage used to be a way of getting rid of your daughters...marry them off. But you were supposed to keep at least one behind to look after you in your old age, and the house.

The other thing to think about...sorry, I did read your OPs and thanks for sharing that. It sounds painful but not unfamiliar with what everyone goes through in life...

You wrote you wanted this guy to be a spiritual leader yet he was younger than you and had many character flaws. Are you placing your hope in mere man. Dont do that...no man even an older guy would measure up to that expectation. I thought Jesus was your spiritual leader.

So initially he wrote the letter to ask my dad's permission to start courting.

We did write some letters to each other during our courtship, but not exclusively. He gave me my first cell phone so we texted and called a lot.

I turned 23 and he turned 22 during our courtship.

I know that in modern cultures many don't date with the intent of marriage and they may have many boyfriends/girlfriends before they meet the one they marry. But in the circles I was used to hanging around there weren't as many breakups, and I kinda always figured I'd marry the first guy I was in a courtship with.

Great points!

Imagine how much emotional damage could be avoided if people heeded 1 Timothy 5:1-2.

“Do not address an older man harshly but appeal to him as a father. Speak to younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters—with complete purity.”

1 Timothy 5:1-2
Thank you for the inspiration .

Thanks for sharing your story. May I ask, what denomination you belong to? I think the part where you travel to different families and help them for an extended period is very interesting. This type of help is not too common.

One reason for this is that public schools (middle and high school) have dances...one or two per year. Kids start thinking about "love" very early and start dating because they like someone and are too young/immature to think about marriage. So, casual dating continues into adulthood for many.

Wow.

That's beautiful!

I'm glad you were inspired by that passage.

We actually neither one were part of a denomination, but his family left the Amish years ago and still hold to much of the lifestyle. The other friends I mentioned had similar backgrounds too.

i call it serial monogamy.

old married lady butting out of singles... with apologies.

What I heard was:

"Marry, divorce, marry, divorce, marry, divorce - polygamy on the installment plan.

i was talking about the young people dating, breaking up, dating, breaking up.... ad infinitum, ad nauseam.
it's almost like the forerunner of what you describe?

"Hey babe, I like you and you like me. What say we get married and see how long we can stand each other?"