Does Marriage Cure or Even Lessen a Pornography/Sex Addiction? (All Are Welcome to Answer.)

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Does Marriage Cure or Lessen a A Porn/Sex Addiction?

  • Yes, absolutely! Someone find me an altar right now!

    Votes: 2 10.5%

  • No -- it makes marriage worse.

    Votes: 11 57.9%

  • I'm not sure.

    Votes: 1 5.3%

  • I know of marriages in which someone WAS cured/lessened their porn/sex addiction.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • I know of marriages in which someone's porn/sex addiction was NOT cured or lessened.

    Votes: 4 21.1%

  • I know of marriages in which someone's porn/sex addiction GOT WORSE.

    Votes: 1 5.3%

  • I know of marriages that separated/ended because of porn/sex addiction.

    Votes: 4 21.1%

  • The church IS effective at helping marriages troubled by porn/sex addiction.

    Votes: 2 10.5%

  • The church is NOT effective at helping marriages troubled by porn/sex addiction.

    Votes: 6 31.6%

  • Singles should be encouraged to marry even if sex/porn addiction exists before marriage.

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Total voters
    19
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#21
May 23, 2009
16,424
5,371
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#21
MsMediator said:
These are issues married/partnered people generally don't disclose to friends or even relatives, until they are divorced/separated. It is like saying you have relationship issues without saying it. Children may aware of these issues if there is trouble/disharmony in the marriage.
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This is why I am also very troubled by people automatically judging why people are seeking or got a divorce.

I know this sound strange, but people have talked to me about their personal lives since I was a teen (my Mom always joked I must have a disclaimer on my forehead reading, "Tell Me About Your Most Personal Problems.")

I have talked to Christian women who are in tears because their husbands prefer anal sex to anything else within their marriage, and some force their spouses to oblige. The husbands feel they are doing no wrong because they're doing this to a woman and not a man.

I know people will fiercely debate over what to do in that situation, but if I had a husband who preferred and demanded sex in the same manner as one would have with a man, I would leave, and if need be, stay single forever, because I've learned how to be single.

And I would hate the feeling that I would somehow have to tell the whole world what was going on behind closed doors. No matter what you said or did, a good number of people would judge and condemn you anyway.

I do wish that people were allowed more privacy as to why they separate and/or divorce, because it's between them and God.

If the decision is against God's will, then He is the one to judge that, not the court of public opinion.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#22
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#22
yea not into that

I worked in public libraries, there was always a certain type of woman who read the erotic fiction. It started getting darker with the publication of 50 shades of grey, which I did not read, but that book was quite popular.

I think that kind of intimacy is not really discussed in married couples it more the thrill of something illicit or forbidden that is outside of marriage. Although within marriage much sexual abuse is kept secret.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#23
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#23
for a lot of divorcess its because the other person abused them or cheated on them. Obviously you do not want to really stay married to someone who abuses or cheats on you. I have sympathy for those who were in that situation, most go into marriage with hope and faith that will not happen. Unfortunately it does, even when couples make vows, one person can break them.
 
Susanna

Susanna

Well-known member
#24
Apr 14, 2023
1,597
519
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48
Galveston and Houston
#24
seoulsearch said:
Totally agree with you, @G00WZ.

I think one of the most dangerous things about porn is that it creates and anchors appetites in people's minds for things that they later cannot or should not fulfill. You can see why God told us that sex is for marriage -- it seems to bond you to whatever your desires learn to feed on, and He wanted those desires to be permanently connected to a spouse and the relationship they have together with God -- not images on a screen or descriptions in a book.

I don't have much experience with visual porn. Back when I was in my early 20's and at college, I went to a few people's houses for parties or get-togethers and sometimes people had a porn movie running in the background because they saw it as funny. I very quickly decided that was not for me and pretty much became a social hermit ever since! Because I find that for myself, my best defense is pretty much utter isolation -- which isn't healthy, but it's worked.

And I think you are 100% right. If people are watching/reading porn, just from that limited exposure, I grew quickly aware that people are not being exposed to what Christians might think of as "normal" sex.

The ironic thing is that I've seen guys/straight Christians absolutely preach at others about gay and alternative lifestyles, but then they go home and watch threesomes on their computers. They justify and excuse it by saying at least it's with two or more women and not other men. But porn specializes in crossing lines, so I would bet they're being exposed to the very things they're preaching against -- and by their own free will. "It's ok if I watch; as long as I don't actually try it, I'm not sinning." But Jesus said that lust in the heart carries the same condemnation of sin as the action carried out.

To me, this is the most troubling thing of all about the porn epidemic -- Christians believing they are doing the will of God by "confronting sin" -- IN OTHER PEOPLE -- but NEVER in themselves.
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Better others than me is the best way to say it, even though that’s a sinful thing to say.

I totally agree with you. I’m probably one of the worst sinners here at CC, so I won’t condemn anyone. Sure I want to condemn anyone and his neighbor, but being stuck in sin myself makes that a hypocritical statement.

Apart from what I have stated above I still will come at everyone I disagree with lol.
 
Subhumanoidal

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
#25
Sep 17, 2018
4,049
3,152
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#25
Marriage won't change it anymore than it will change alcohol or drug addiction.
Brain scans show porn addiction most closely resembles heroin addiction, in the brain.

Many of the people into fetishes didn't start out that way, in porn. They went vanilla stuff first, but over time it wasn't as satisfying so they have to expand to make it exciting again, to get that endorphin rush. Similar to how smoking a joint one time may work well, but smoking one daily, it stops hitting as hard, so you need more. Or to promote to something stronger.

As far as women go, I'm always amazed that when it comes to Christians the first thought it those old 'romance' novels. Typically modern discussions of porn and women those aren't even mentioned.
Porn addiction among women is higher than most realize, and it's not books. It's the same stuff as men view.
And women have a higher propensity towards the stronger stuff than men.
So women are more likely to look up rape and bdsm, etc... than one may expect.
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#27
Aug 13, 2014
27,167
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#27
For real!
 
MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#28
Mar 8, 2022
1,076
714
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#28
I think visual porn is far far worse than reading porn (though both are bad), and this is one way visual porn is being normalized by saying everyone is somehow involved with porn. I would consider reading porn to be found in erotica novels, not the "romance" novels one finds at the checkout counter. With visual porn you are dealing with real people, and depending how often one watches porn, that's a lot of people. The more deviant acts are also more likely to be exhibited via visual porn. Personally, I also believe one could be creating "soul ties" with people in visual porn and there are dangers involved there. There is a seedy underworld with visual porn. With erotica novels, while it can be harmful to marriage, no one else is involved except imaginary characters. You are not looking at someone else's real genitals. There are women who watch visual porn, but men watch it at a higher percentage and greater frequency.
 
MsMediator

MsMediator

Well-known member
#29
Mar 8, 2022
1,076
714
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#29
seoulsearch said:
Hey Everyone,

This is a question we ask here every now and then as a reality check, and it certainly seemed fitting to do so again with round of "Is There Sex In Heaven (I Sure Hope So)" threads that have circulated in the past few months.

We all know the infamous passage, "For it is better to marry than to burn with passion," 1 Corinthians 7:9, and I'm sure that for many long-time singles, if we got a dollar (or whatever your home currency is) every time we were quoted this verse in response to our singleness, we would all be -- well, we would all have a WHOLE lot more money in our wallets than we do now.

Now I am NOT AT ALL trying to refute the wisdom of the Bible or Paul's writings. However, I think everything should be taken into consideration on an individual level, with much prayer, counsel, and wisdom from others who may be able to help. It seems many in the church have made marriage into an idolic panacea that will cure all, especially regarding sexual curiosities and desires.

I've been here asking this same question (whether marriage cures porn/sex addictions) for years, and I might have missed it, but I can't think of a single time when someone said, "Yes, yes, yes it does!!!" And many of the people answered were indeed married, as those were the target audience for this question. In all this time, I can't recall even one married person saying it cured an obsession with sex, whether their own or their spouse's, nor can I remember anyone saying they had witnessed marriage curing this problem for someone they knew, either.

But who knows, maybe the current audience is much different -- and today just might be the standout day.

I'm going to write a poll that is generic enough so that anyone answering can do so as if they are talking about someone else without incriminating themselves, as having all the answers be completely anonymous (no one will know you answered.)

Normally I ask people to please participate in both the poll AND the thread, but I realize many might not want to answer with a post. Feel free to look over the poll and see what answers you have observed in your own life or of those you know, and add any further thoughts in a post if you feel comfortable.

Please also note that the poll system only allows a certain number of options so I am doing the best I can within the parameters of the system. After every poll I write, someone will say, "You should have included..." But I either ran out of choices that the system would allow or else I missed an answer you feel is crucial.

If that's the case, please add any additional answers in your post. For example, "I'd like to add (insert thoughts here) as another answer to the poll.)

This poll/thread is for everyone, both single and married. Even if someone is single and has never been married and is a virgin, they might know someone who has or is dealing with this.

And I'd like to leave you with these questions:

* If marriage doesn't stop or cure a porn/sex addiction, what does?

* Does a person need to wait until they have their porn/sex addiction under control before they marry?

* Can two people who are addicted to porn/sex marry? Is this double trouble that will lead to collapse, or will they be able to help each other through?

* Is it fair for someone without these addictions to marry someone who does? Or does it not matter, because of the grace of God?


I know there are no one-size-fits-all answers for these questions. Every situation is different, and the only guidance that fits all of them is seeking Godly counsel and a lot of prayer.

These questions are here to get people thinking -- and I'm looking forward to hearing your answers.
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This is a great topic, and a lot to unpack. Based on the stories I know, marriage itself does not cure porn addiction. A person can be a porn addict for decades (from teenager to elderly) despite marriage. As already noted in the other posts above, a porn addict has higher and different expectations on sex, and a spouse may not be able to keep up with this. Or, a spouse may not care if the other person is a porn addict or may have given up. A woman may rather live with a porn addict than struggle on her own. A person is not going to quit porn unless they have the fear of God. There are lot of associations between porn addiction and other factors such as bad marriage to mental illness (depression, stress, etc.). Ultimately, though, I find porn addiction to be an act of rebellion more so than a symptom of weakness. Studies show porn addicts tend to be narcissists.

I think a lot of people, especially younger people, enter marriage without thinking too much about the impact of porn addiction on marriage. I know if a guy told me he looks at porn when I was 22 or so, I may not have thought too much about it. However, now I recognize it as a major red flag. I actually think a lot of people enter marriage not caring too much about this issue, or assuming their Christian spouse doesn't have this addiction. If I find out a person has porn addiction (which I hope to find early in the relationship), I would discontinue the relationship immediately. If I am married to a porn addict, I would take some measures such as removing technology, advising him to seek treatment or support group, etc. If this does not work, the situation could be escalated to separation, etc.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#30
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
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#30
its idolatry

also its a whole industry that preys on women that needs to be stopped, yet because men support it, and it makes a tonne of money for them they will turn a blind eye.

Its like alcohol industry, some can drink responsibly but most people cannot, however prohibition only works up to a point. It makes too much money for breweries.

In the book of revelation it does specifically say 'whoremongers' will not be in Gods Kingdom.

What are whoremongers? Those who participate in the porn industry. The pimps and the prostitutes.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#31
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
7,188
113
#31
The only way a porn addiction would be cured by marriage is for the pimp to marry one of his prostitutes and then totally give up his business. But that aint gonna happen right.
 
Lanolin

Lanolin

Well-known member
#32
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#32
Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, go and sin no more, I note he didnt say to her, go, and marry the guy you sinned with.
 
Moses_Young

Moses_Young

Well-known member
#33
Sep 15, 2019
9,940
5,505
113
#33
seoulsearch said:
The ironic thing is that I've seen guys/straight Christians absolutely preach at others about gay and alternative lifestyles, but then they go home and watch threesomes on their computers. They justify and excuse it by saying at least it's with two or more women and not other men. But porn specializes in crossing lines, so I would bet they're being exposed to the very things they're preaching against -- and by their own free will. "It's ok if I watch; as long as I don't actually try it, I'm not sinning." But Jesus said that lust in the heart carries the same condemnation of sin as the action carried out.

To me, this is the most troubling thing of all about the porn epidemic -- Christians believing they are doing the will of God by "confronting sin" -- IN OTHER PEOPLE -- but NEVER in themselves.
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I agree with this, to the point that I believe pornography is a type of homosexual behaviour.

I believe it's a natural/normal characteristic of men to be interested in women and the female form, which should lead to pursuit with self control, romance, relationship and ultimately marriage (usually/naturally/ideally resulting in children to be brought up in Godliness). But pornography is a toxic counterfeit rather than a lesser substitute for marriage, and takes the focus away from the purposes of marriage (e.g. a better understanding of God, a holy union between man and wife, and potentially children), instead bringing focus to selfish and unwholesome pursuits (abominations and perversions, a fleeting slating of the lusts of the eyes, and a reinforcement in the man of acceptance of weakness, powerlessness and laziness).

(As others have noted, I don't think pornography is such an issue with women. Sure - more women may like the exquisitely detailed novels, which may be another type of problem, but these usually aren't about real people and don't have real photographs).

I remember being shown a pornographic magazine by classmates many years ago, and despite my natural desire to better understand the female form, the thought of the woman lowering herself to share with men across the world something that should be reserved for marriage so shocked and grieved me that I had to look away. I'm only putting it in words now, but I think I realised subconsciously then (or was shown) that pornography is in competition with the institution of marriage - not a temporary substitute to be leaned on while one awaits the better.

For this reason, I don't believe marriage (by itself) will ever cure a porn addiction - instead, the spirit behind the addiction will act to usurp, besmirch and befoul the marriage.
 
G

Grizz44

Member
#34
Jun 2, 2023
51
21
8
#34
Luckily for women,they have little sex drive and are not interested in looking at porn at all. Did I just open a can of worms? Lol
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#35
Aug 13, 2014
27,167
9,251
113
#35
Grizz44 said:
Luckily for women,they have little sex drive and are not interested in looking at porn at all. Did I just open a can of worms? Lol
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Nope. That can was opened long ago. It may have been opened in another thread... I can't remember which one... But we've seen that can repeatedly over the years.

Welcome to the forum, by the way. My goodness, you sure have started out with a bang on this forum. It's taking me a good half hour of the morning to catch up with all the threads with new comments.
 
Handyman62

Handyman62

Well-known member
#36
Jan 10, 2021
599
266
63
Rural South Carolina
#36
I don't believe viewing porn in any amount is an actual addiction. An obsession or a bad habit would be more accurate. Either way they can be beaten and marriage can be a help but that's up to the individuals involved.
I didn't become obsessed with porn until after I was married and found out my wife wasn't very interested in sex.
My marriage lasted 28 years and if I hadn't used porn I would have cheated on her with someone in person. I realize that scripturally I still cheated in my heart but I don't see it that way. I loved her dearly and never wanted to divorce but in the end it was her choice to do so. Although her reasons for it are unclear it didn't appear to be porn related.
 
A

arthurfleminger

Well-known member
#37
Aug 18, 2021
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#37
In today's world, people like to rationalize sins like pornography as addictions. But they aren't addictions. They are clear choices which the individual chooses and continues to choose them because they find they are pleasurable. In essence, they choose the sin over God as sin is a rejection of God.

But don't try and rationalize it as an addiction, it's a choice.
 
G

Grizz44

Member
#38
Jun 2, 2023
51
21
8
#38
Lynx said:
Nope. That can was opened long ago. It may have been opened in another thread... I can't remember which one... But we've seen that can repeatedly over the years.

Welcome to the forum, by the way. My goodness, you sure have started out with a bang on this forum. It's taking me a good half hour of the morning to catch up with all the threads with new comments.
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thank you,but,sorry to say, I will probably be bailing out of here
 
A

arthurfleminger

Well-known member
#40
Aug 18, 2021
1,405
778
113
#40
Moses_Young said:
All addictions are choices. But when addicted, the easiest choice is feeding the addiction.
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Moses_Young, I agree with you that addictions are choices. My objection to using the term 'addiction' is that it indicates that an individual has no choice, when they do have a choice.

It's like classifying alcholism and gambling as sicknesses and addictions. When you do that it tends to take away any personal responsibility and infers that they have no choice. Not so!!!!!!!!!!!

We all have many choices, but accept responsibility for them. When we are faced with such choices, keep a clear mind and reach out for what you choose. For what you choose is what you'll receive.
 
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