Trying to save my marriage

Sorry to hear of your troubling situation. I've gone through a similar situation so I would like to offer you some hope and encouragement.
You seem to have a really good understanding of the situation. And you also seem to understand the way forward.
I like the verse you chose to share. It's one of my favorites. But you are way past walking and running and you need truly a supernatural touch from God for this. Not to worry...it's as easy for God to help you walk as it is for Him to help you fly. I only mention it because you are getting ready to meet God in new and incredible ways you have not heretofore known. Isaiah 26:3 will be a good verse to keep handy.

Having said that, you need to find a trustworthy woman who can help you go through this time. Someone you can meet with regularly and reach out to often. You also need to delve into scripture as God will be speaking to you through them. And you need to pray unabashedly, pouring your heart out to God. Whatever other reasons God may have for allowing this experience in your life, the primary one is that you will know Him more immediately and more intimately, and come to a fuller dependence upon Him.
The place in your heart that aches, only God can heal. And no matter how bad it may get, don't forget...God is always close to the brokenhearted. He has not left you and will never forsake you. He will bless you in the end...Job 42:5.

Thank you for sharing your story.

May I ask approximately how old is your husband? Do you think he is going through a mid-life crisis or maybe something else? Has he told you what he thinks is missing from his life?

I think the best thing you can do is be available but give his some space. He may come out of this state after a few months and be his "normal". At same time find a trusted female friend or a good therapist, and keep being hopeful and prayerful.

Twenty years and you don't know how to handle papa. Tomorrow's Friday. Make it an evening that he won't forget. Leave your complaints behind. Plan an evening of his dreams. Meet him at the door dressed to "kill". Take him by the arm, and make everything else about him. Get the picture.

I read one time a long time ago that a woman needs x amount of touches a day and needs a certain amount of affirming words a day. I decided to go up and above and beyond that and made it up in my mind that every time I walk past my wife I was going to touch her in some kind of way if it was to rub my hand on her back, give her a little touch on the hand, or any number of ways to affectionately give her a little touch, and I made up a ton of sweet nicknames like cutie, or pretty face, or lovey, and even baboo, and phrases like busy bee, that give her verbal affirmation so that if i look at her i say one of them. You know that stuff works.
Matbe figure out what he needs and do that. Like a clean house, dinner on the table, and initiate sexy time.

I’ve seen a lot of people come here with problems over the years and basically bash their spouse.

I always wonder what the other person would say.

But YOU have given an honest assessment with a sincere goal of saving your marriage.

I’m so terribly sorry you are going through this, but optimistic because of your love and desire to honor the Lord.

My gut tells me your husband dabbling with women online is a very bad sign. But that is NOT on you, or because of anything you did, or may not have done.

If your husband is a Christian he should speak to Christian men in the hopes they will be strong enough to show him the sin and error he is committing.

Praying for you, that the Lord gives you the peace and wisdom to navigate this difficult journey.
Be blessed.

Can you not talk to pastor's wife (or is this not what shes there for? I thought the stereotype of the pastors wife as the church gossip was so untrue) I am sorry to hear this it sounds awful to be betrayed like this though Jesus was no stranger to betrayal. He understands.

People say women can be fickle but men can be just as two-faced, unfortunately. I dont know if going all out assault on the Valentines Love Dare thing really works, but why not give it a go. If he doesnt respond, then you can shake the dust off your feet and move on, but I would think you give him all youve got before calling it quits.

as for the online thing. Everyone can see what you do online. Its all recorded on servers and cloud anyway so its not as if thats a private thing. Men seem to think cos its online that they can never be tracked or traced but of course thats a stupid and delusional thing to think.

Hi guys!
On Friday evening, I asked my husband what he was thinking about. I thought he would say something about his dad who is sitting in a bed in hospice care. Instead he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, and wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. I thought that between my sisters and I, I was the one who had a solid marriage. I guess not.

Have you ever known you hit rock bottom? KNow you need to talk to somebody, but at the same time try to respect your husband who said that therapists were a waste of money. I hit that place a while ago. Pretty sure I have been depressed for years, but never had an official diagnosis. Knew I wanted to talk to somebody, but do not feel like my thoughts would be listened to, or heard, or understood. I was afraid if I did talk to somebody, I would upset my husband because of what he said earlier. I didn't want to badmouth my husband to somebody I knew and put a bad taste in their mouths for him.

Saturday morning, after very little sleep, I did convince him to go eat breakfast with me. I think we had some good conversation, but still not heading in the direction I want. I have told him that I am not done with our marriage, and I still want to fight for it. He is not sure I can change.

Some complaints about me that I have heard in the past few days.

• I'm mad at everybody.
• I act like a child, throwing fits, or angry all the time.
• I just want to save my marriage because he has been mine for 20 years, and I don't want to give up a good thing.
• He is not my 5th child (we have 3 boys and a girl together), I am his 5th child.
• He is not stupid.
• He does not need a hearing aid.
• I hate his family.

I am sure there are others, but I cannot remember all of them right now. Honestly I am trying to keep a smile on my face because his dad is dying and our kids don't know. Our kids are asking questions about a vacation we have planned next month with his brother and wife. I have asked him if there is somebody else, and he says he is talking to friends online, but not in a physical relationship with anybody.

I brought up that when we first starting talking about getting engaged I told him at the beginning that divorce was not on the table. I went through that as a child and cannot do that to my kids. 21 years ago, he agreed with me. Friday night, he didn't think that was a worthy statement anymore.

When I mentioned at breakfast the other day that I felt I had needed mental help for a while and what he said about therapists and psychologists, he claimed he said he would talk to somebody about getting me help. I don't remember that. I do remember the comment about them being a waste of money. Told me he would check into somebody at work with his chaplain services.

I know he is struggling too. Not just with his dad, but with things I have said, that I never knew were hurtful to him. I cannot say that I ever considered my husband to be a 5th child. Cannot say that I ever really said it. But I did not defend him. I have mentioned a hearing aid before. Don't understand how he can hear a clock ticking in the next room, but cannot hear me when I am sitting next to him.

Have I had a lot of issues with being mad at people, at work, at church, and from time to time with my kids. Yes. I try to keep it in. I try to keep calm. There are days that I just cannot. I have read that sudden outbursts can be a symptom of depression. Some days I come home and have to beg my kids to give me some time alone so I can chill, and I know it takes me longer than it should sometimes.

I have never thought he is stupid. He is brilliant and can come up with comebacks and pull of some amazing things. He plays word games all the time and has an amazing vocabulary. I have struggled with somethings though. He can be forgetful, as can I. He wants to be reminded, but can get upset if I remind him because He knows.

I do not hate his family. I have been frustrated with them from time to time. I don't understand some of their ways, but I love his family. They have been more of a family to me that my own has been in some situations.

Honestly, I don't even know where I am going with this. I want to talk to somebody. He has not told me about any services that the chaplain services at his work can offer, (to be fair, with Memorial Day, he has only had a day and a half to check) and I can't afford a real therapist. I also don't want to upset him by paying for one. I have tried searching for free ones, but there never gets me anywhere.

I did pick up "The Love Dare" and start that since he told me this on Friday. Today is day 5. I am not expecting a miracle overnight. I know it will take some time. But I am struggling with sitting here in silence, and I am not a very good waiter.

I am praying for my husband, praying for my marriage, praying for his dad and his mom. I am holding on to a thought that my pastor's wife posted on social media the other day that said "ONE DAY YOU'LL TELL YOUR STORY OF HOW YOU'VE OVERCOME WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH OW, AND IT WILL BECOME PART OF SOMEONE ELSE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE". I know she didn't post it for me, because she is going through her own issues, but I feel God showed it to me because I needed to read it. I am also holding on to the lyrics of "While I'm Waiting" and my favorite Bible Verse which God brought to me when I miscarried a twin - Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

I think all I need right now is somebody to come along beside me. Somebody to let me cry on their shoulder and pray with me. I may need other things right now also, but I wouldn't know what they are.

What does the university have to offer that God does not? Are His scriptures insufficient? How sad that the Christian would seek counsel among the heathens and the atheists rather than from their pastor their man of God placed there by God for them.

The therapist is licensed and trained/has a relevant degree and is also a Christian. The pastor does have pastor mentors but it is uncomfortable to talk about certain issues because word will spread in the circle.

I want a therapist, a Christian Therapist, who will base their help, advice, or whatever else they do on the Bible.

I am not saying that I want to go to a heathen. I want a therapist, a Christian Therapist, who will base their help, advice, or whatever else they do on the Bible.

Why do I think that a therapist is better than my pastor? In this case, my pastor has a lot on his plate with foster kids acting out, and a son getting married this weekend. My pastor also has admitted that one of his worst attributes is empathy. I love my pastor, and I know his heart is in the right place, but I don't think he could help here.

I also attend a small church, and I don't want what my pastor hears to come out. Not that I think he will share, but the way one looks at another when they know something changes.

Hi guys!
On Friday evening, I asked my husband what he was thinking about. I thought he would say something about his dad who is sitting in a bed in hospice care. Instead he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, and wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. I thought that between my sisters and I, I was the one who had a solid marriage. I guess not.

Have you ever known you hit rock bottom? KNow you need to talk to somebody, but at the same time try to respect your husband who said that therapists were a waste of money. I hit that place a while ago. Pretty sure I have been depressed for years, but never had an official diagnosis. Knew I wanted to talk to somebody, but do not feel like my thoughts would be listened to, or heard, or understood. I was afraid if I did talk to somebody, I would upset my husband because of what he said earlier. I didn't want to badmouth my husband to somebody I knew and put a bad taste in their mouths for him.

Saturday morning, after very little sleep, I did convince him to go eat breakfast with me. I think we had some good conversation, but still not heading in the direction I want. I have told him that I am not done with our marriage, and I still want to fight for it. He is not sure I can change.

Some complaints about me that I have heard in the past few days.

• I'm mad at everybody.
• I act like a child, throwing fits, or angry all the time.
• I just want to save my marriage because he has been mine for 20 years, and I don't want to give up a good thing.
• He is not my 5th child (we have 3 boys and a girl together), I am his 5th child.
• He is not stupid.
• He does not need a hearing aid.
• I hate his family.

I am sure there are others, but I cannot remember all of them right now. Honestly I am trying to keep a smile on my face because his dad is dying and our kids don't know. Our kids are asking questions about a vacation we have planned next month with his brother and wife. I have asked him if there is somebody else, and he says he is talking to friends online, but not in a physical relationship with anybody.

I brought up that when we first starting talking about getting engaged I told him at the beginning that divorce was not on the table. I went through that as a child and cannot do that to my kids. 21 years ago, he agreed with me. Friday night, he didn't think that was a worthy statement anymore.

When I mentioned at breakfast the other day that I felt I had needed mental help for a while and what he said about therapists and psychologists, he claimed he said he would talk to somebody about getting me help. I don't remember that. I do remember the comment about them being a waste of money. Told me he would check into somebody at work with his chaplain services.

I know he is struggling too. Not just with his dad, but with things I have said, that I never knew were hurtful to him. I cannot say that I ever considered my husband to be a 5th child. Cannot say that I ever really said it. But I did not defend him. I have mentioned a hearing aid before. Don't understand how he can hear a clock ticking in the next room, but cannot hear me when I am sitting next to him.

Have I had a lot of issues with being mad at people, at work, at church, and from time to time with my kids. Yes. I try to keep it in. I try to keep calm. There are days that I just cannot. I have read that sudden outbursts can be a symptom of depression. Some days I come home and have to beg my kids to give me some time alone so I can chill, and I know it takes me longer than it should sometimes.

I have never thought he is stupid. He is brilliant and can come up with comebacks and pull of some amazing things. He plays word games all the time and has an amazing vocabulary. I have struggled with somethings though. He can be forgetful, as can I. He wants to be reminded, but can get upset if I remind him because He knows.

I do not hate his family. I have been frustrated with them from time to time. I don't understand some of their ways, but I love his family. They have been more of a family to me that my own has been in some situations.

Honestly, I don't even know where I am going with this. I want to talk to somebody. He has not told me about any services that the chaplain services at his work can offer, (to be fair, with Memorial Day, he has only had a day and a half to check) and I can't afford a real therapist. I also don't want to upset him by paying for one. I have tried searching for free ones, but there never gets me anywhere.

I did pick up "The Love Dare" and start that since he told me this on Friday. Today is day 5. I am not expecting a miracle overnight. I know it will take some time. But I am struggling with sitting here in silence, and I am not a very good waiter.

I am praying for my husband, praying for my marriage, praying for his dad and his mom. I am holding on to a thought that my pastor's wife posted on social media the other day that said "ONE DAY YOU'LL TELL YOUR STORY OF HOW YOU'VE OVERCOME WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH OW, AND IT WILL BECOME PART OF SOMEONE ELSE'S SURVIVAL GUIDE". I know she didn't post it for me, because she is going through her own issues, but I feel God showed it to me because I needed to read it. I am also holding on to the lyrics of "While I'm Waiting" and my favorite Bible Verse which God brought to me when I miscarried a twin - Isaiah 40:31 - "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."

I think all I need right now is somebody to come along beside me. Somebody to let me cry on their shoulder and pray with me. I may need other things right now also, but I wouldn't know what they are.

The OP opened with

"On Friday evening, I asked my husband what he was thinking about. I thought he would say something about his dad who is sitting in a bed in hospice care. Instead he told me that he wasn't sure he loved me anymore, and wasn't sure he wanted to stay married. I thought that between my sisters and I, I was the one who had a solid marriage. I guess not."

This tells me that she has a husband who is in dire need of a lot of TLC from his spouse. Think about it.

Why would a Christian ever go for secular advice?

With some mental health problems, you need a mental health "DR", just like you would ask your pastor to pray for your back if you broke it, but most of us admit readily that we would still go to a dr - even a secular one - and get the specialist help needed to fix it.
We can't assume that every problem is a spiritual one, the op has said there may be longstanding depression and and if there is a long standing depressive illness behind her behaviour, there are specialists trained to help a person deal with that.

Depression doesn't excuse sinful reactions, but it certainly puts us in a much weaker position to resist.
Just as bad company cannot be blamed for making a person sin, though they corrupt good character, we are answerable for not having removed ourselves from that bad company to start with if it is at all possible. So too with any illness or character weakness, if we can get help with it, it can in turn help us avoid the sin that often results from that area of weakness.

No point praying God will keep us from evil if we aren't helping ourselves where we can.

There are professionally trained christian therapists. What is wrong with that? I think it is wonderful that people have had such a desiRe to help others they will spend that much time learning about the mind and how to help people become mentally well, or to better cope with a mental health issue and often to become stronger, more able and self controlled people as a result. Isn't that part of learning to renew the mind? And a Christian Therapist or Counsellor can also help the person to look to God more etc and apply scripture to the renewing process.

A pastor isn't the be all and end all of all the gifts to the church, yes they are meant to watch over the flock but that doesn't mean they are trained to understand how to handle or advise on every situation. A church should certainly be overseen by (preferably lots of) elders, but the rest of the congregation, the other members of the body of Christ, have many wonderful gifts to help one another.

Of course a pastor or elder should be someone you can trust and speak to for guidance, but let us not assume the pastor has all the answers. That is the beginnings of how cults spring up, and pastors end up having mental breakdowns, trying to do the work an entire church should be doing to support one another. The problem is that many people who do not understand mental health issues, often offer well meaning, but really bad and counter productive advice. If there is a specialist who knows better, we really should make use of them.

To the OP - it is really good that you want to deal with your failings, and that you haven't simply thrown back like for like accusations etc. Being humble is a wonderful place to start, and I hope and pray that you get the help you need to be able to cope with daily life and walk in the spirit rather than in the flesh amidst all the daily trials and pressures of life. We all need that and we all fall short.

Just remember that you and your husband committed to a life long agreement before God when you got married.
You don't really have any say in it from that point on, GOD has joined you together and made you one. It isn't a process you can undo even if you walk away from each other. He is answerable to God for that, just as you are. You are not responsible for his failure to keep that commitment. Just look to God and do your best to sort out what you can, and love as much as you can, and let God deal with your husband.

Praying for you

I don't know how it is with Christian counselors but I do have lots of experience secular counselors, therapist and Psychiatrist and 99% are just pill pushers and those that give any advice it's usually garbage.

The only professional I dealt with that was worth anything was a Psychiatrist that ran a large mental health facility and what set him apart was that he's a no nonsense kind of guy and made it very clear to me there was no magic pill and that I was my best bet for getting well. He recommended several group type meetings where various things were taught and the best one for me was cognitive behavior therapy.

I realize the CBT is a secular thing but mainly what it consist of is training the brain to ignore negative thoughts and feelings by using methods of distraction when those thoughts & feeling crop up. Scriptures, Christian music, Sermons and many other things can be used.

One of the things that happens in the brain is the establishment of engrams. You can think of of an engram as a habit and the more we repeat that habit the stronger the engram becomes. So good or bad thoughts and feelings can also become a strong habit. So by utilizing methods of distraction you end up establishing new positive habits (engrams) to replace the old negative ones thereby improving a persons overall life.